The last 2 weeks have been very hard. I have had a lot of voices in my head and anxiety. I have also dealt with quite a bit of depression. Most days I have had to force myself to get up and moving. I have really felt low and hopeless. My internal system was not happy and I couldn't work out why.
On Wednesday I saw my Therapist and thankfully we found some answers. Apparently, just because I feel OK with working on reconciling with someone, doesn't mean everyone inside is OK with it too. Everything is so much more complicated than expected. Now of course my therapist would say it is some part of me that is not ready and that makes sense, but I felt like I was doing the right thing. Hopefully I will be better able to deal with future eppisodes now that I have a heads up on how much we (alters) must truely work together.
Some days it all just seems too hard to go on. I hate that my life is like this, I hate that I cant live like everyone else. I hate that someone had to power to make my life this way. I hate that so much of my time is spent fighting just to survive. And then I have days like the last 2 days and I can feel the sunshine and laugh with my friends. It all doesn't seem so bad.
When I was 8years old I had had enough of this life and wanted it to end. I went into our cubby house and tried to think about how I could deal with it all. After a long time I came to the conclusion that everyone had to have a good time on their life otherwise what was the point to it all. I decided that I was going to hang on to see my good life. I didn't want to miss out on it. As I got older and life didn't necessarily get better I held on to the that thought. Even now I hang on to the hope that it will all get better and life will be fun. Don't get me wrong I do have a great life now, great husband, great kids, nice house, and great friends, but now I am also dealing with the aftermath of what happened all those years ago.
HOPE, what we need to keep going..