Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

26 March, 2019

Children of a lesser God

All knowing,  all powerful, everywhere.  All loving.

But for the children of darkness,  their God has no power to stave off the darkness of mankind.  A lesser God,  a god of no strength, no power, no will.
And what of love?
The children left behind. Never to walk this earth in light. Never to feel the son's love on their face. Left behind in darkness. 

07 February, 2019

Survivor not freak

After watching a woman with a disability, talking about the need for awareness and acceptance of people's different lives and abilities, we have thought about us and our situation. Technically our condition is considered a mental illness.  DSM 5. I guess they have to give it a category.  DID can be very disabling,  more for some than others.  We have spent days in bed unable to function when alters are dealing with their trauma. Then there are the accompanying conditions that are often in co-existence with DID, such as,  Complex PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. Plus illnesses like fibromyalgia,  IBS, and other digestive disorders.  These carry their own debilitating affects.
It is a complex web of conditions that can leave you overwhelmed just to think about them.
The woman on tv was born with her condition and although there is no cure, she has found a way to manage her symptoms and live a life she is happy with.  To the point where she doesn't wish her disability was gone. (Accept for her constant pain).
I guess the key difference here is that DID is caused by trauma.  For us,  physical, emotional, sexual abuse and torture that went on for most of our life, especially under the age of 20 years old. This trauma has changed the way our brain functions.  Because of it, we actually process information differently to others without the trauma. It's very easy to get weighed down with it all and get lost in a sea of flashbacks,  body pain,  Anxiety, depression and just pure terrifying fear.  But there is one key to remember.  DID is NOT technically an illness.  It is a very sophisticated survival mechanism that ment we were able to survive horrific abuse and not die. We know many who never made it through. 
We are survivors of absolute horrors.  I don't know how we did it but we did. 
We are now safe,  but still fighting to survive.  Fighting to learn how to live in this new way of life.  Fighting to understand how to NOT live in constant fear.  Trying to understand that there are people out there who will not hurt us. We are like a child learning for the first time how to walk. 
Love is one of the most confusing things to us.  Not sure we will truly ever understand it completely.
In all of this we are considered by the public to be freaks and creatures of horror movies. And to those who should understand the most,  the medical/phychiatric professions,  we are considered by most to be liars, frauds, and if they believe,  just to bloody hard to treat.
We feel disabled,  we feel broken and unwelcome. We feel unwanted by society.  If only they could see the horror of what we survived and understand this was our only way to survive.  We are survivors of torture. If only we could be seen through the eyes of empathy and compassion,  instead of distrust and fear, there is a chance we could finally begin to heal.

Upon reflection,..... it's a horrible life that not many of us really even want to remember.  For society to acknowledge such truths about itself is not easy. But we need to.  The people who abused us are still alive, and there are many more generations,  even our current  generation of babies and children, who are living through what we did plus more.  It's time to face the horrific truth.
These people are amount us.

07 January, 2019

We are spent!

We started with a new psychologist about a year ago. She had been recommended to me after a lot of searching and asking around. We were unsure about seeing a Psychologist, as we knew we would only get 10 government paid visits a year, and we need so much more than that. But we needed to see someone and she was the only choice we had. The first visit went well, she was confident she had the training to handle our needs, and was even trained by an association we greatly respected.We were of course concerned about the ongoing cost and limited visits. She reassured us that it wouldn't be a problem. Her normal gap she would cut for us dramatically so we could afford to see her and she reassured that when the 10 visits ran out she would still see us at that price. She explained she didn't want to retire and this was her way of giving back to the community, pro Bono, work as it were. She also layed out her basic treatment plan. For the first time, we felt hope. Someone who was willing to help us, and knew about what they were doing. There was a plan, a path through this hell we had been walking through. For the first time we truly felt like there was hope.
As time went on, she went on to encourage us that she would be there for us. How she would go with us to the hospital if we her needed to. She kept telling us we  were not alone now, we didn't have to live a life alone and with out support any more. We found it hard to trust all this, but it is to be expected given who we are and what we have been through.
As time and visits went on, we learned many things to help us cope with flashbacks and our horrible anxiety. Slowly it seemed we were following an agenda she had planned. OK , not the end, but manageable, we know how to get around that.
Then we started to get behind on payments , not too bad but behind. We asked if we could stretch out our visits to every 3 or 4 weeks because the finances were getting a bit tight. She reassured us it was fine and not to worry about it, to pay as we could. She booked us in for another visit for 2 weeks
When that visit came, she made a comment that while we were getting skylight to help us with our NDIS application, that maybe we could see if they had a councilor or therapist we could see as well. Because the cost was getting a bit much for her. She said.." The money situation was not a problem for me to worry about but for them to worry about."( I have no idea how that even works as I am the one paying the bills and basically the one who has to pass on the message that my Psychologist wont see me anymore because I cost too much.How do I not worry about that!!!) Then to knock the final nail into the coffin, she says that we wont book any more appointments at the moment, and leaves it at that.
We are not good at handling things at the time, we were shocked but didn't really realize what she was seeming to do until we got home and had a chance to think about what had been said. We were shocked......"I think we have just been dumped.........again!"
We decided to give her a small benefit of the doubt. We slowly made our way through paying back the bill. We had hoped that maybe she would send a Christmas message to her clients wishing them the best for the season and New Year, looking forward to seeing you again in 2019, type of thing. But no!
We have had no contact form her in months. What do we do now? Do we AGAIN start the long, complicated and arduous journey of finding a new therapist, who would not only treat us but also know how to treat us? We were exhausted just thinking about it. It was hard enough to find her in the first place. We were back to hopeless. How do we survive this shit existence with no professional help. We are on the extreme of mental disorders, even for DID. If this were cancer or diabetes, Drs would be climbing over themselves to help us, to find research that could help us. But no. because our parents beat, raped and tortured us into a broken mess, through absolutely no fault of our own, we must continue a life of suffering alone. No one will stand with us and support us, help us, show us that good people really are out there.
We see so many TV shows about people who rescue abused and neglected animals and want to finally show them love. They want to teach these poor animals that there really are good people out there. Its great. But what happens to the beaten and abused humans. There is no one to help them, to show them love and to stand by them as they learn that not all humans are bad.
I am spent.