Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

04 May, 2022

When the anger and frustration hit

What do you do? Life goes on.  We're learning to live, learning to make a life for ourselves.  We have come a long way.  We work much better together as a group. We feel there's a better balance in our life.  We are grateful for what we have achieved together over the years.   But still something isn't right.  Because we are many,  life is far more complicated than it is for others. Our health is suffering. Our body is becoming more and more disabled. Yes we have a wheelchair now,  dont need it all the time,  but we still need it. Regular drs appointments,  specialists, hospital visits,  pain management clinics,  tests, and medications.   Our body and mind went through so much back then, that they are now struggling with the after affects of all that.  It's hard living with this legacy.  What's harder is knowing that the people who made us broken in the first place have no remorse,  no acknowledgement of any wrong doing.  They even blame us for how we have made their life harder. There comes a time when that becomes too much. The anger builds and we want to see some justice,  some repentance, some vengeance even.  Yet we seem to have no outlet, no way to show how we feel,  no way to show them what they have done and continue to do with their actions.  Thoughts have entered our minds of action we could take,  but they seem to dangerous and not without serious repercussions for us. 
What do we do. How do we get to a place where we feel we have been acknowledged.  Karma seems to take too long,  if it happens at all.  Revenge seems hard to safely do and quantify. How do we find our sense of peace for this.  No action only makes us feel powerless! 

03 November, 2021

What am I fighting for now?

I know a lot of time has past since our last post,  we just haven't felt like sharing.  We have felt very betrayed and vulnerable, for various reasons,  so we have not wanted to be open with people.  
The body is 53 now,  our son is 28 and our other son is now our amazing daughter and she is 23. Both very strong amazing people we are so proud of.  They are achieving so much.  Having a multiple as a parent is not easy but they are amazing. We cannot praise their strength enough. They are our heroes. 
But we are struggling.  After a few good years of learning to find some freedom, and enjoying that freedom,  things are changing. 
As more of us spend more time forward and we switch more,  our ability to concentrate decreases.  We can't drive anymore..
Our poor body,  that went through so much so young, is starting to break down.  Our physical health is becoming debilitating.  We have a walking stick,  a walker and a wheelchair, all to help us get around when our body just can't.  We still spend many days in bed because getting up is impossible. We have chronic pain and fatigue.  Each day is a challenge to see what we can get done. 
In the depth of our heart we wonder what we are fighting for.  DID is an incredible coping mechanism, and it made us able to live through literally unspeakable things.  But now we live in a different world, where learning about love and trust is our challenge.  This life now is so hard.  We have the tools to survive incredible trauma but not to get through today.  It's so hard,  for many inside it is to hard and they don't want to come forward to face the life we live now. It's not something we ever thought we would see.  Many people have told us that,  most who have been through what we have, have never made it this far.  They have died way before their 50s. 
We know we are strong.  We know that we can totally fall apart one day,  then get up and start again tomorrow. 
But what are we doing it for.  We haven't enough time left in this life to even get a quarter of they way through healing.  Therapy just isn't getting there.  Every day we spend dealing with some past trauma,  takes more days away from us trying to live a new life.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that,  DID saved our life back then,  but it doesn't help much with now. 
What do we want to do with our life now?  
We want to find our son.  We want time to get to know him and give him all the love we haven't been able to give him.  I guess that's really deep down what we're staying alive for. Please please may we find him before this body gives out. 

12 August, 2021

An alien in this world..

I don't know how to cope.  I've had a day that everyone would say has been a good day with good news.  But for us it's a million new triggers and fears. Fears that date back to the beginning of our life. We don't understand how to live in this new world.  As we age it seems to be getting harder.  We can't explain it to anyone, because how do you explain the life we lived to anyone who can't even imagine it. I know we were made for a different world, one we would never go back to, but where is the manual on this world.