What am I fighting for now?

I know a lot of time has past since our last post,  we just haven't felt like sharing.  We have felt very betrayed and vulnerable, for various reasons,  so we have not wanted to be open with people.  

The body is 53 now,  our son is 28 and our other son is now our amazing daughter and she is 23. Both very strong amazing people we are so proud of.  They are achieving so much.  Having a multiple as a parent is not easy but they are amazing. We cannot praise their strength enough. They are our heroes. 

But we are struggling.  After a few good years of learning to find some freedom, and enjoying that freedom,  things are changing. 

As more of us spend more time forward and we switch more,  our ability to concentrate decreases.  We can't drive anymore..

Our poor body,  that went through so much so young, is starting to break down.  Our physical health is becoming debilitating.  We have a walking stick,  a walker and a wheelchair, all to help us get around when our body just can't.  We still spend many days in bed because getting up is impossible. We have chronic pain and fatigue.  Each day is a challenge to see what we can get done. 

In the depth of our heart we wonder what we are fighting for.  DID is an incredible coping mechanism, and it made us able to live through literally unspeakable things.  But now we live in a different world, where learning about love and trust is our challenge.  This life now is so hard.  We have the tools to survive incredible trauma but not to get through today.  It's so hard,  for many inside it is to hard and they don't want to come forward to face the life we live now. It's not something we ever thought we would see.  Many people have told us that,  most who have been through what we have, have never made it this far.  They have died way before their 50s. 

We know we are strong.  We know that we can totally fall apart one day,  then get up and start again tomorrow. 

But what are we doing it for.  We haven't enough time left in this life to even get a quarter of they way through healing.  Therapy just isn't getting there.  Every day we spend dealing with some past trauma,  takes more days away from us trying to live a new life.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that,  DID saved our life back then,  but it doesn't help much with now. 

What do we want to do with our life now?  

We want to find our son.  We want time to get to know him and give him all the love we haven't been able to give him.  I guess that's really deep down what we're staying alive for. Please please may we find him before this body gives out. 

An alien in this world..

I don't know how to cope.  I've had a day that everyone would say has been a good day with good news.  But for us it's a million new triggers and fears. Fears that date back to the beginning of our life. We don't understand how to live in this new world.  As we age it seems to be getting harder.  We can't explain it to anyone, because how do you explain the life we lived to anyone who can't even imagine it. I know we were made for a different world, one we would never go back to, but where is the manual on this world.

Survive

When you are born into, and grow up in a life of total abuse, you are not like other people.  Your brain is wired differently to others.  How you see and understand reality is completely different to those around you. Your normal is totally foreign to anyone else. And their world is totally foreign to you.  It is chaotic, confusing,  overwhelming and incomprehensible. 

This doesn't stop when the abuse stops.  Your brain still works that way. In time it can be rewired, but that is a very long process, with many years of misunderstanding and pain. These survivors of abuse don't mean to be weird or rude.  Sometimes they have honestly never been taught any other way to survive. Survive,  not live, survive.  Some from birth, must fight every day to survive.  These aren't adults with street smarts, or Bear Grills, with years of expert training. These are babies,  toddlers,  barely able to talk or walk and all they have ever known is abuse and how to survive. 

It stays with you for your lifetime.  You learn to only trust yourself. You are constantly vigilant. You learn the world is a hard and dangerous place.  And you learn that even the nicest people can turn on you in an instant.

 And when these times come,  you can't go into your mind to find a safe place to hide,  because in there is every person who abused you,  every memory of the abuse, sitting, waiting, for you to see them again. There is no safe place in a mind built this way. Only the constant reminder that you have to fight to survive.  Every day.  And if you don't have the strength to fight today....... maybe you don't survive.