Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

14 June, 2012


Hi Everyone, once again I haven't posted on here in a while. I think it is the wrong alters forward to do the writing. No one seems to want to share to much on here at the moment. 
I have had an interesting week. I saw a Psychiatrist for the first time this week. I have never seen one before so it was quite nerve racking. He didn't waste any time asking some of the deeper questions. I left his office feeling quite positive about the experience but feeling very exposed and raw. I will be back to see him again next week.
 He has dealt with many multiples before so I am hoping he will have a bit of insight into my disorder. My psychologist is sort of learning with me as I am the first multiple she has ever treated. When it comes to educating our medical professionals, very little time is spent on DID or even dissociation for that matter, so practitioners tend to learn most of what they need to know, on the job or through attending conferences on the subject. If a therapist never encounters a multiple in their practice, they may never grasp even the fundamentals of the Disorder. Fortunately there is increasing understanding of the need for such training and slowly, very slowly things are changing. But as Multiples we still live in the realm of the twilight zone, we exist but not really.
The other day, my wonderful friend Sarah, who I often mention here, came out on her blog as a multiple. It is a very interesting post which I will not even begin to try to summarize here. I highly recommend checking out if you are interested in Sarah's thoughts on the subject and how Multiples can be seen. Sarah's blog

I have also added a Poem today written by Sarah a few years ago. It captures so many of the tormented feelings I hold too. The sense of helplessness and darkness, and at the end the small comfort the outside world can give.
Posted: 05 Jun 2012 06:00 PM PDT
From March 2009 Journal
Such sweetness and
a delicate dream of safety.

f**k safety.
I'm a freak
does my nakedness
not terrify you?
don't tell me
how sacred this is
It can never be free
of darkness
for such as I.

I want to taste your sweat
hold me and
hear my soul screaming
don't turn away
face it
face the darkness and 
the horror of it
the blood and
the shadows under the bed
the memories that
never quite fade
the nightmares like
gin traps waiting each night
stalking and hunting my soul.

Howl with me
paint blood on your face
my demented soldier
come join my war
just don't try to tell me
it's all okay
it's all okay now
it's all in the past
don't tell me
you don't
see it too.

Don't tell me its pretty
let me see the fire in your eyes
taste the acid of my rage
do I scare you?
do I disgust you?
I will take you down
where the shadows are
where the nightmares sleep
where the broken things
lie in pain.

You cannot make this better.

But you can hold me.
But you can
let me scream.

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