We are in Queensland for a business conference. I spent yesterday afternoon at one of the meetings to sit in on some of the information. There were so many people there and the seating was so close together. Fortunately I was sitting between two people I knew which made it a bit better, but after and hour and a half of the meeting I had had enough of all the people around me and headed outside for the foyer to get some space. We then had a cramped taxi ride back to the hotel. By that stage I had had enough of other people. Hubby and I decided to have a quiet dinner and then stroll around some beach front markets not far from here. It was a nice night, but I felt quite over loaded and am enjoying a day to my self at the hotel, away from others, just vegging.
At home I never really think too much about how others live their lives except for perhaps close friends or family. But here I see so many other people into so much stuff and the constant crowds and I realize how uncomfortable I am with it all. I need my time away from it all, alone with my alters, where I have time to think, talk to them and where no on is touching me. Physical touch is a difficult thing, it is not something I am often comfortable with, even from people I know. After spending time with all those people talking and being close to me, I feel very overloaded, and oversensitive to all that is around me. I need time alone in a quiet space to get away from it all.
As I sit on the balcony of the hotel and watch the people below and see what they are doing and think of the others in the meeting, I realize how I am quite different to others. At home I am so busy with the running of the house and getting my work done, that I don't really think that much about it. My world at home involves interacting regularly with others like me. To me, having DID is normal, and I feel, well not comfortable with it, but not uncomfortable. I fit in there.
Here, I don't have work to do, yet it is still so easy to feel over loaded. I guess I feel more fragile, more broken here, not like everyone else. I see what my mind can't cope with. I watch all the others at the meeting and what they are achieving and I want to be there myself. I want to be able to run a business, and achieve and do all the things even my husband is doing, but my mind just wont let me. We just don't yet work together well enough to be able to handle the different situations and stresses needed to achieve what I want. It is frustrating and I find myself again getting angry at those who caused the trauma in my life.