Too Broken!!

I am a survivor of Child sexual abuse, mind control and programming. So far we count over 200 members inside us and the numbers grow. We have been programmed to do many things that make us sick to the stomach think about. Our own abilities and past scare us. As I sit here today I really have no idea who we are. I know the image we have portrayed over all these years, but I also know it has nothing to do with who we really are. We were made to be this way so we wouldn't cause trouble. We are a product of the programming. Programs that even now get enacted as we encounter different things in our life. We are little more than who they made us. We are merely robots to achieve what they want and need. We are not individuals.
I really wonder if there is a way out of this. If we will ever really know freedom. Life just feels so hard, and like we will never get out of this. So many people in our head that we have to take into account. So many voices that want to be heard. So many lives they want to live. They want their voices to be heard, but I am so tired of this fight. So tired of being broken. Of not being able to handle relationships with people, of having so few people we can trust and talk to. I've had enough of it all. The fight just seems too much day in day out. I feel like every day we are just faking it to get through until the real life happens, the only thing is we have been doing this for so long we are beginning to wonder if there will ever be the real life.
If this IS the real life.....we are f*#ked.

Merry Christmas

It's that time of year again. Christmas. The time of year when families get together and eat and laugh and enjoy each others company. Well, in a Disney movie maybe, but not if you come from an abusive family environment. We are not that keen on Christmas especially now our boys are older. Our only other family is our mother, and while our relationship with her is improving, it still has a long way to go. Christmas was always a stressful time. Trying to make sure everything was perfect. Around Christmas child abuse usually increases, as men feel unsettled with their lives, they go to find comfort with a child. This makes Christmas a highly triggering time for most survivors. We suffer terribly with loneliness at this time. The feeling that everyone else has family but we don't and once again we face life with only ourselves to depend on. The boys are of to spend time with their father for 5 days on Christmas day. Diamonds is away for 4 days and gets back Christmas eve. She will be spending Christmas day with her family so we won't get to see her on the day. We are trying to do our best to keep busy and hope the loneliness doesn't hit too hard, but at the end of the day when all us said and done, we return to one true fact. We have only us to truly depend on, we are our family.

Royal Commission

In Australia, our government is looking into Child sexual abuse in institutions. They are calling it a Royal Commission. They are asking for any one who went through child sexual abuse in an institution such as a school, sporting group, church etc to contact them and share their story. It is an attempt to affect a change in regards to child abuse in this country, and hopefully get some form of justice for the victims.
We have known about it for some time now and have already made one attempt to contact them. But we switched and got on with life. Two days ago we rang them and left our details, and some basic information about what happened, with them. They will apparently get back to us in a couple of months to hear our full story.
We have many people who abused us. Most of whom will never come to justice. But there are a few who we knew more closely and even some who we knew through organisations like school. We cannot get everyone to pay for their crime but we can get as many as possible.
The Principle of your primary school is one of those men. We know he is still alive and it is not right that he gets to walk free for what he has done.
The act of ringing the commission has left us with many mixed feelings.
Disappointed, and disheartened. There are so many who hurt us and this is only ONE of our stories, and this will rise to the surface. What he did was wrong, but compared to so much else that has happened, it is relatively minor.
Shame, anger, and helplessness. When faced with someone to tell these truths to, it is amazingly hard to get it out. We cry (something we try not to do), we don't know how much they can tolerate and really want to know. And with every word we step deeper into the pain and reality of it. It hurts so much  just to remember. How could someone do this to me, how could they violate a child to the point of breaking their soul. There are no words only streams and streams of tears and a pain inside that we just don't know how to heal.
Will we be believed, are memories are only small and we are not sure they will seem that much. What if they think we are lying, how will we deal with that. It is a long road to walk and it feels like once again we walk it alone.
Injustice. What if through all we go through, nothing is done or achieved. Will we ever get justice? Is there truly anyone who can help us, or are we truly on our own once more.
Safety, will we be safe sharing this information, They say they have protocols in place to protect us, but do we trust them.
And lastly, and the reason we are even doing this in the first place:
The is a hope that maybe, just maybe he will be brought to justice. Especially if others who he hurt will come forward.  And maybe somehow we can help to prevent this from happening to others in the future.

Weak and hopeless

I hate myself for being who I am. For not being capable. For not being better. For not being thinner. I hate it. So many things I could have done with my life both good and bad..So many experiences we could have had, but we have lived in fear. I hate that life has turned out this way and I am who I am. I want to hurt myself for being weak and vulnerable. For not being able to stand up for myself and be stronger. We feel so weak and a failure. Hate, hate who we are, weak and helpless.

In the eyes of evil.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of the devil. Some days I feel I have.
Looking into the eyes of a man who knows he has been pure evil and yet is totally unable to acknowledge it. I have seen many people who are that way. Mothers, brothers, fathers, who have done unspeakable things to their children/siblings, yet refuse to acknowledge their actions.
They know they are guilty of doing all the things that society despises. They have beaten, raped, abused and murdered. They know they have hurt someone beyond repair.
If they were ever caught, they face a life in prison.
But every day they get on with the life they live, a life of presumed innocence.
A life where no one would even suspect them of the evil they have committed. They are seen as a loving, generous, thoughtful, friend. No one can see the secrets they hold so very deep inside their soul. But we know.
We know the darkness inside them, and there is nothing they can do tho hide it from us. It is as plain as day on their faces.
A great personality cant hide who they are, it seeps out through the cracks.
They are living a lie hoping no one ever finds out.
But what they don't realise is that many already know, and their secret is a secret no more.
You look into their eyes, even for only a while and there is a hint, a dark shadow that lingers.
You need to look carefully for they are masters of covering it up, but it is there.
It is behind the friendly smile they give you, the reassuring handshake, the warm friendly hug. They know how to hide it, but if you look very very carefully you can see it. Ask a child they can see it too.

Littles fun

Last night we got together with some friends who are also multiple. Its always fun as you never know who is going to be out. We do our best to make time for our Littles to play together a much as possible. Unfortunately it us not as often as they would like. In a world of singletons, it is hard for young children stuck in adult bodies to have friends to play with. When we have play time with other multiples we get the chance to take our toys and share with our friends. It is very freeing for the Littles to be able to be themselves with others who share their life challenges. Being stuck in a body that doesn't fit onto most playgrounds. Often the body is much older and can't move or sit the way a child wants to move. These children have seen so much pain and hurt, it is great to give them time to be free to be children again.

Sleep and Hide.

So tired today of loving this life. So tired of waking up every day to face the life we live. Tired of being broken and hurt and living in flashbacks. But never enough in flashbacks to really know all the answers just enough to get one more piece of the puzzle and to see one more piece of how fu*ked up we really are. It just seems to gets harder and harder. So many opinions inside, so many people wanting to be heard. How do we get 200 people to work together like a family, when there is no way in hell that could happen on the outside world with well adjusted untraumatised people. I close my eyes and I see abuse. I see scenes where it happened. Its everywhere. I just feel so vulnerable. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is all going to be OK. For one brief moment, we don't have to be strong and hold it all together. We can fall onto some ones arms and let them be strong for us. Just for a little while, just so we have time to breathe. For our whole lives we have never had anyone we have felt we can lean on. It has ALWAYS just been us we can depend on. We have Diamonds at the moment and she rocks and is beyond amazingly helpful, but there are just times when we want to curl up into a little ball in some ones arms and for them to take it all and for us to be free. Maybe it can't happen, but just for once it would be nice. To not have to be strong.  To not have to be the one in control. To not have to stifle a cry or a scream. To just let all the hurt and hate and frustration out. I know we are strong and survivors, we have made it this far we have to be, but do we have to be. Can't we just be weak and fall apart for a little while. Just let the world keep turning while we sleep and hide it wont miss us.

The Truth

Part of me died yesterday, and another part of me was brought back to life.
Sometimes finding out the truth is more than you know how to live with.

How can this life be real if it doesnt hurt?

Its all we know. We have no memory of anyone ever showing us kindness. A hug, a cuddle, a warm embrace where we felt safe. Nothing never. There was no safe place to hide, every where we went there was hostility and pain. This is the life we know. We know the pain, the shame. When there is no safe place to turn, you can find your home amongst the pain. It becomes the right way to be. It becomes life. It becomes home. Without it things just don't seem right, we feel uncomfortable, like we are wearing the wrong clothes. Constantly fidgeting and feeling unsettled. Until it returns and with its sting, peace. A calmness with its bite. We know it is not good, we know it is not how we should live, but it is all we know. It is not home unless it hurts. Pain is what has damaged us so badly but is also now our friend. To be humiliated, abused, brings us back to what we know how to handle. We know where to go with this, we have the skills and the knowledge to get through it this way. But without the pain we feel empty, alone. We feel numb, like nothing is real. We feel homesick, we long for how we "know" it should be. How we need it to be. They have trained us this way.

Finally its starting to make sense.

Finally things start to make sense. We have been sharing our experiences of trauma with my our mother over the last few months. Hearing about it has triggered a few things in her memory. This morning we managed to put a few pieces together. My father's erratic behaviour now makes perfect sense. Even things that seemed odd to my mother years ago when they happened, now make perfect sense in the light of the information we have given her. We all thought he was just crazy, now we know he is a very intelligent calculating man. But we are putting the pieces together now. Finally it is starting to make sense.

Tired

So tired of being multiple, just so tired as a whole really. It takes so much energy to keep going. Trying to deal with everyone in my head as well as the people I see in the outside world. We went into a second hand shop today and one of our little girls saw a doll she wanted. It looked a bit old and festy and I didn't want to get it. Besides all that, it was way to big for us to discreetly hide in our room. When I said no she got very upset. Dealing with children on the inside and the outside gets a bit much. Some days I wish we could just be one!

Massage

The last few days have been relatively easy in Multiple life. We have been very busy with the outside world. We have been helping a friend set up her Beauty Salon. There has been heaps of painting and cleaning to do and at the end of most days we are exhausted. Today was her grand opening and it was all worthwhile. In all of this, we have not had the desire or the time to focus much on inside. There has been a piece in it, an ease. We have almost felt 'normal'. We have felt like we have hope and that there is a future for us too. We have felt capable and needed. It has been a great feeling. Our friend has set aside a space for us to do massages if we decide to get qualified. It has felt great knowing we could do this and we could be part of society again. But then we wonder, what if like every other course we have done, we cant finish. We start so many and we switch part way through and can't finish. It would be great to have the skills in something even if we cant work at it all the time. Some way to earn money even if it is only part time. We are in the process of gathering information about the course now and then we will just have to see how we go.

Weird Day

Weird day today, Woke up to insiders wanting to make their names known. Found out about 10 new insiders names this morning, and for some of them some information. Cant seem to shake the feeling that life is just not abusive enough at the moment. We are currently living in a very safe environment and we do not often feel afraid or threatened. We do not have sex if we don't want to, and if we do, we don't often feel shamed, dirty and cheap, like we used to. I think that is the problem. We are not in abusive relationship at the moment and we feel like we have some power and control. We really don't know how to handle that. It has left us feeling unsettled. We need bad things to be happening, this is the world we know. We don't really know what to do when we feel safe. We haven't mastered happy. Although there are insiders who can feel happy, most of us don't really know how that feels. We just fake it. It all feels overwhelming.
We have also been dealing with feelings that we can do nothing right. Everything we try to do is wrong and we just might as well just give up on life.
Although on an opposing note, this morning whilst chatting to the new insiders, we had a bit of a revelation. When meeting new insiders there are always a lot of questions. Someone inside pointed out that if we don't live long enough, we will never know the answers to all the questions we have about our system. We need to live to find the answers and to tell the truth about our life. It gave us purpose when we are floundering in knowing why we are even here. We need to get the truth out there. We need people to know.

Understanding Our System

Life has been very stressful for all of us lately, in so many different ways. Just realising we are now 200 and not the 30-40 we thought, has changed so much for us. We now look at ourselves so differently, we have to. We realise we have a near endless supply of resources inside us and if we need someone to be able to perform a task,  we now ask inside to see if we have that person hidden in there somewhere. They are usually there. We are starting to see ourselves as more of a family.
 It is immeasurably hard and confusing. There are so many of them that want to be heard. Some days it is overwhelming and I must ask for only a few to talk at a time as I just cant cope with so many of them at once.
A few weeks ago I heard one of us saying she had had enough and didn't want to be an alter any more. I really didn't know what she meant by that at first. How does she stop being what she really is? After a talk with Diamonds we realised what the problem is.
You see the term 'Alter" is a term created by the medical profession to be able to communicate effectively about DID. It is the shortened version of Alternate Personality. All very well and good from a medical or Psychological perspective. But when you are one of these 'Alters', it infers you are just a part of a person. A piece broken from the 'main or core' personality. This may indeed be true for many people with DID. I know of many that have this Main or core personality, but it is not true for us. We do not work like this, we don't have a core person, nor a main person. Quite simply WE ARE MANY.
When you look at our body you do not see one body one person. Instead you see one body many people. We grow up in a singleton world where the standard issue is one body one person. We are not one of these people, we are many living in this one body, which at times can seem a little over packed. Its about changing how you see things. Instead of Alters we needed to find a word that expressed who we are. Many people in one body, not alternate personalities. Instead of Alter we now refer ourselves as 'Insiders', and those not in our body as 'Outsiders'. It fits well and we seem comfortable with the change.
I hope that this helps people to come to terms with the idea, that we are not merely one person who has these pesky alters, but many people living in one body. We are all equal and we work together as best we can to make it work. We come as a group.

Do We Deserve This?

One of the hardest things to deal with is the feelings that we deserve what happened to us. Even now as an adult do we deserve the things that happen to us now. When good is happening, we struggle to know how to cope, we feel uncomfortable, unsettled. When things turn bad, there is a comfort there. The same goes for things like self harm. Not just cutting, but also putting ourselves in a situation that we know is going to be harmful so it will hurt. Wanting someone to physically hurt us so we will feel like we deserve to feel. Wanting to smash our arm against a wall to break it so we can feel the pain. Some how we need it to hurt because we believe we deserve it to hurt. This is our life, if it doesn't hurt then it isn't right. It is the only world we know. There has to be pain. It is the only way things feel right in the world.

Welcome to My life!!

Broken, Abused, Hurting Souls (Trigger warning: Child abuse)

Today like many days before, we have become overwhelmed by life as a multiple. Trying to get 200 insiders ( now what we are calling Alters) to work together and build a life in a world made for singletons seems impossible. Relationships seem impossible. How do people understand us? How do we understand ourselves? How do we ever get through life when all we see is trauma and abuse every where we turn.
As we were driving along in the car, we ran through in our head, what has happened to us step by step something changes. Actually we yelled it out.
" Don't judge me, if you too had been repeatedly sexually assaulted from before the age of 3 years old, hypnotised into compliance, so that many men can have their way with you. Shared through a paedophile ring, prostituted out. Locked in a cage, with your dying friend as her blood runs across the floor towards you. Beaten, raped, tied to a bed during sex. Choked, drowned, just to mention a few things, then you too would be a little stressed about life."
Strangely after saying that in the car and even after repeating it now as I type, a sense of calm comes over us. Some of the stress is released. There is a reason life is so hard to navigate. There is a reason we struggle so much with love and relationships. We learnt about the very worst of mankind, we learnt abuse, rape, death and hatred before we were old enough to even understand love. It makes sense but does it mean we will ever really be able to make a life for ourselves that is safe, and good and fun. Will our past haunt us forever. Is it possible to ever let it go when you live as many broken abused hurting souls?

Are we just too Broken

I wonder some days if the world of a multiple is just too hard to work with. Yes we have amazing coping skills and once we get to know our system things can be much easier. But how do we get relationships to work when relating to others is the main area of our pain. How do he hold down a long term relationship with so many people inside. Is it even possible, and if not why do we miss out again. Its a mine field. Part of our pain is that we don't want to be alone and forgotten. It makes us feel invisible again and like we have no value. Yet we honestly wonder if we can find a way to be ourselves with someone and keep them as friends. I just don't know. Some days it feels like we are just to broken.

The Whole Truth

As you may all have guessed we are struggling with justice for the survivor. There seems to be so little and that leaves us feeling so helpless. While every day for us is a struggle to survive, our perpetrators live free and happy in a world free from our struggles. We need to have a voice. The thought of not being able to tell leaves us all very depressed and seriously contemplating self harm. This is not the life we want for us. We need freedom and from the beginning of this walk we have always found that letting the truth out has been healing and freeing.
We have researched several ways to tell. Some we will keep under raps for now, but one stands out for us. To Blog. To share our truth in the same way we do now. We know that many of you may not be in a place to hear the graphic details of our abuse, and we understand that. For this reason we will not be sharing them on here. We have started a new blog, where we will name names and tell it like it is. Please feel free to join us on the new site as well or stay here if you are not ready to go that far. We want you to take care of yourself first and foremost. We will still be regularly posting on this blog as our journey of discovery and understanding continue. We will share on the new blog even if no one is reading.
Thank you for all your support so far and we are thinking of you too in your journey.

New blog site, We Are Many
http://scarletchildren.blogspot.com.au/

Justice for survivors

Really struggling at the moment. Feeling like there really is not justice for survivors. If we don't have enough evidence we cant take our abusers to court. If we cant remember enough there is no point. I am this way for a reason but as I cant prove it nothing can be done. Even if I could prove it, too many police files go missing when it comes to child abuse cases. Really tired of sitting on this information while the guilty around me live free. Need justice.

Back and safe

Back from holidays. It was a good trip, lots and lots of walking and not much sleep. It was an interesting opportunity to work through some of the issues some of our alters have. One in particular is our fear of new places and people. Early on in the trip an alter was very fearful of it not being safe and that we would see the people who hurt us. We asked if anything bad had ever happened to us in this city (as we had not recollection of ever being there we thought we were pretty safe) and we decided that we would consider this more of an adventure than something to be afraid of. Now we are bigger we can defend ourselves much better than we did as a child and we are not going to this place with dangerous people.This eased her fears immensely and we found it much much easier to enjoy the trip, and being surrounded with crowds of strangers all the time.
We had to share a small hotel room with Diamonds, something we were a little nervous about. In the end it all worked out well. We made sure we asked permission, or went into the bathroom, before getting changed. Although we have seen each other naked, it is not acceptable to go barging in on each other without notice, in case a little was out or they just needed a private moment. We had discussed in quite a bit of detail, before we left, things that might trigger us and ways we may need alone time in a shared room. There was a lot of switching in both our systems so it made for a very interesting time and kept us on our toes making sure we were talking to the right person at the right time.
It was not without its trauma. As the plane was landing in the new city, someone inside brought up some flashbacks from trauma we didn't know had happened. It wasn't really the most convenient time and we did our best to deal with it as we could. Unfortunately we we landing in a new city and trying to navigate the airport. In the end we had to say we would get back to it soon so that we could focus on the outside world. This is always a tricky thing to do as this alter feels safe bringing up their memory now, and I don't like to put them off till later, but we felt there was not many options at this time. We still haven't managed to sort it out but hopefully we will get to it soon.
Now we are home and back into routine life goes on. We are hoping to spend more time walking to places now that we used to. We really enjoyed all the walking. We also enjoyed not having the same thing for breakfast every day. So we are hoping we can keep that up for a while too. See how we go.

Update

Things have settled down a little in our system over the last few days which is a nice change. We are still getting flashbacks but not as many. We are slowly coming to terms with the fact that there are a lot more of us in here than first thought, which is somewhat daunting.
This week we are heading off interstate for a short holiday with Diamonds. Overall it is very exciting, but different alters of course have different feelings about the trip. We have one who is very scared of flying and has already hit the panic button. (we are going to take a mild natural sedative to help her get through the flight) Most of us don't cope very well with such a big change and can feel unsettled for days. Especially as we have never been to this place before so have no idea what to expect or any memories to work with. Diamonds is well travelled and used to live there, so we are going to stick very close to her.
When we are in a crowd setting, we find we need to see the faces of everyone around us. I think this is to see if we know them and if they are safe. This can also be very exhausting to be on such high alert all the time. We have had to prepare Diamonds that we may need time alone, (even if it is in a public toilet cubicle), for 10 or so minutes, so that we can calm and recenter our selves if it all becomes too overwhelming.
This will be our first time away with Diamonds, and the longest non stop we have spent in each others presence. This too may prove to be a challenge. Lots of communication will be needed to get through it without us falling apart. Diamonds and us are used to the need to communicate well as the success of our relationship depends on constant checking in with each other. It is hard work but worth it and we are pretty much used to it now. Im off to get some work done, will hopefully have some pictures to share from the trip when we get back.

Stop child abuse.

People are fascinated with DID. It amazes many people to see the ability of the mind to separate into so many pieces. What most people forget is that it is cased by some thing. We use the word trauma and abuse. Not all DID is caused by abuse, some is caused by trauma. Most of what I have seen is by abuse though.
I just want to ask at this time that when you think of some one with DID and find yourself fascinated by their disorder, that you take a minute to consider what got them there. All those things you do not want to think or speak of to others. All those horrors of mankind. Please take time to acknowledge that they are real and that this person has seen many of them. Please take a minute to think of all the things we don't want to know about DID. Maybe with time if we can face the truth about the causes of DID we will be able to prevent it from being any child's reality. Stop Child abuse. A child's life is precious and you are killing them. We can all make a difference.

Sleeping troubles already.

We were told a few days ago that our father would be in our city for a business conference in 3 Weeks. The sleeping problems have already started. We have had trouble sleeping every night since we found out. Last night the dreams started. We dreamt we were trying to turn him in to the police, but they sent 2 female cops over, and all that happened was he kept smooth talking them and getting them to like him. They wouldn't believe us. If anything they were going to arrest us for being a nusence. He smooth talked his way out of everything and in the meantime kept on touching me to keep taunting me and proving he was better than me, and he would never get caught. I felt so angry and powerless.

Frustrated

So frustrated, so little research has been done in the area of DID that it is near impossible to get answers for the questions we have. Shrinks know next to nothing and the only way to know anything is to talk to other multiples. That's all very well and good until what you need to talk about is far beyond what they have experienced and is immensely triggering and traumatising for them. Tired of having to keep my mouth shut, but who the hell do we talk too?

Inner Pain

So much going on inside at the moment. Externally we carry a smiling face and happy continence, but inside, so much pain screaming to be heard. Our ability to cover and get through has been so strong for so long that even we believe it. More and more we feel the internal restlessness and anguish as parts of us try to be heard. Flashbacks, images fly threw our head, messages from those inside, trying to show the truth. Trying to put the images together is like trying to do a jigsaw puzzle without all the pieces and without a clue how the final thing should look.
There is an element of excitement that at least we are finally getting to the reasons, the truth, but we feel lost, not knowing what to do with it. Can we find justice? Can the guilty be charged or are we too far gone for that. We have heard that Multiples are not good witnesses in court, because of their dissorder. How than can they ever be brought to justice if our word can not be trusted. There is  a sence of hopelessness but then again hope, maybe in the future we will find a way to make them face what they have done.

*****HIghly Tirggering******* Blood stained tears.

Please do not read this if you are triggered by blood or abuse. We do not usually put this sort if thing on this blog but we feel it needs to come out, and this is one of the few voices we have. We do not intend to harm anyone, so please read on with extreme caution.

Is there any hope for us, do we live in a world too broken to be mended. So much has been taken. We have been stripped of who we were. Our lives have been made many. We have been beaten, raped, abused and tortured. We have seen death of a friend right before our eyes. We have fought to get away from the encroaching blood. We have wished we were dead yet fought with all we have to stay alive. We have learnt their ways and even adopted their beliefs, so that we may live to see another day. They have tried to mask our screams so that others will not hear. They have threatened us with death more times than not, just to keep us silent. They have taken from us our youth, and even now our life. We are what they made us, broken, lost and fragile people. They have stripped us of our hope, our courage and our dignity. We are not people; we do not live like people do. We hide from shadows; we scream in pain, we live the nightmare even when we are wide awake. Relief is only temporary. A smile, a ‘good’ day, a sense of hope, these things are all to be cherished. They can be so few and gone so quickly. Underneath there are tears. Blood stained tears. And the pain, always the pain. It never ends.  There is never rest from its constant presence. Those that let us down, where were they when we needed them. Didn’t they hear, didn’t they see what was happening. And now they offer their help…”what can I do” they say.” Just let me know how I can help”. Take me back to then, and make it stop. See MY world, not yours. Look beyond what you want to know. See the pain and torment in my eyes. We were dying then. They were killing us and you didn’t even know. NO one was with us as much as you and yet you couldn’t see…or was it wouldn’t see? Take us back, to when it all began. Stand up for us and who we were. You know if you had helped us back then….we may not have been many, indeed we may have only ever been one. But you didn’t. You didn’t see us or want to know who we were. We can’t face you now. You seem so empty, your promises so fake. What do you know of love and hope and healing? Do you see our eyes now, do you see our pain? I don’t think so; I don’t think you have time. We needed you and you let us down, we need you now and you still cannot hear us. There is no hope here. We still only have each other to lean on. We can only depend on those inside us, the ones made from all the abuse. The ones that broke off, to take the truth when you wouldn’t see it. Were we ever important to you? Did you ever REALLY want us, or were we just some passing toy. A trophy to show your greatness amongst your followers. Look how we shine polished to the max. They think you are marvellous, you can do so much. But underneath the shine, underneath the gloss and sparkle, is the tarnish and blood of our tears. To this day you just won’t help us. You just can’t let it go. You must uphold your image. We know where we stand, we know we will never be what you want us to be, and you can never accept us any other way. But you need to know that even you are at fault. Do not play the martyr. Do not try to take the blame. There is more on your shoulders than you realise, your hands are drenched in blood. It will never come off. It can’t.

We stand alone, the only ones we can trust. You made us this way. I hope you are proud. We are what you made us. A beautiful, strong, independent, broken mess.

And to the others in this drama, your roles go far beyond all that. We will never be able to show you what you have done. We will never get through to you the damage you have caused. But we know, and others will too. We will tell, and we will keep telling until the day we die. You will not get away with this. This is our life, you tried so very hard to take it, but in the end we proved too strong. We are broken and we are many, but together WE WILL WIN!

They should've behaved better!

I saw this the other day on Facebook and it has really stuck with me. Especially at the moment when we are reliving so much trauma. So often we worry about telling our story and how it will affect those who were part of it. The truth of the matter is, it is still our story, and sometimes it needs to be told for us to heal. If they don't like it they should have behaved better.

Melanie's Story (trigger Warning)

Melanie is one of our Alters. She is 9 years old. She has recently come forward to share her story with us as a group. It has been very hard to hear and quite honestly not something we really want to repeat on here. Ultimately what she went through is one of the reasons we are DID. Melanie is determined not to hold the secret any more so we have done our best, with the help of Diamonds, to put together her story in video form. It doesn't say a lot of what happened, as that is too much to share, but it expresses what she feels needs to be said.
This video is dedicated to Michelle, (a friend of Melanie's) she was 12 years old when she died because of abuse.

About Multiplicity

My dear friend writes the Blog, Holding my Childhood to Ransom, and has a great knowledge of Multiplicity. She has posted on this topic before, and I think I have even linked to it before, but it is due for a review again so here it is.
http://sarahkreece.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/about-multiplicity.html

Enjoy

Russia

I have been keeping an eye on where everyone in the world is reading my blog from. One thing that amazes me is that one if the countries with the highest views on my Blog is Russia. To all my Russian followers and readers, I just want to say a special HI and thanks. It makes me happy to see people so far away care what I have to say. Thanks again.

Healing?

What a week, sometimes I wonder how we get through just remembering what we lived through. It has been a really tough one. There are so many things that seem impossible to imagine ever happening, but they do. I look at the memories my alters are carrying and honestly wonder how they do it. No adult should have to even think about it let alone live it. Definitely not a child. I find myself questioning so many things in my life, even my religion. I wonder if we were ever safe. I hear about what others have been though too. Some of it is horrific too, some are still in such close contact with the ones who caused all this. I have never been so angry. Who are these people, how do they do this. I am tired of trauma, I am tired of every day involving trauma. Please tell me it will stop, it has to right?

If her tears were stars

Came across this today from a facebook site I am on. Really like it. It says so much we can't verbalize.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HojUPCqH0cQ&feature=youtu.be
I cant get it to show on here but please check out the link and see it.
This is the facebook page if you are thinking of having a look, I hope it helps you too.

Child Sexual Abuse Survivors Network (A Safe Place To Tell)

I am many

We wrote this  in January 2011 just before we started seeing our first Psychologist and before we were diagnosed with DID. We have posted it on here before but here it is again.

I am many.

By Lonnie.

As I stand before you, you see a 42 year old woman, mother of 2, stepmother to 3, and wife. But what you can’t see is who I really am.

You see only the outside, the front we put on for you, the way we survive. The way we function. You see us as one functioning human being, we know us as many.

 Many, trying to coexist in a body and mind that fights to leave us behind. We speak trying to be heard but you cannot hear us. 

Our life is not full, we live in part, and some do not live at all. We are shadows that persist even in the dark. She fights to make us silent but we cannot let her go, she is us and we are her.

We are many but you see only a few. Only those who can come forward and be present will show you their thoughts, but some are never known and only mumble quietly in the dark. They are not welcome to come forward, maybe they cannot be controlled. Maybe they are too scared. We cannot say.  

We hold many secrets, too many to tell. Our life is often broken, and we never feel safe, even with those who love us. Life is hard, sometimes too hard for us, so we hide.

We want to be heard but no one can hear us. We want to be seen, but we have only one face.

 How will you know it is me, if I don’t appear? How can we trust you? How will we know when we are safe? Will the hurting stop and the pain subside?

I am troubled.  When will I be free?

I am many.

  January 2011

Nightmare research

We don't experience many nightmares with our DID but I know that many do. I found this interesting and thought it may be helpful to some.

CPAP therapy reduces nightmares in veterans with PTSD and sleep apnea

• Mental health and Psychiatry news • Jul 08, 2013

Read more: CPAP therapy reduces nightmares in veterans with PTSD and sleep apnea -Mental health and Psychiatry news- http://www.health.am/psy/more/cpap-therapy-reduces-nightmares-in-veterans/#ixzz2ZANwBiX7

PTSD

Here is some more research that I thought was interesting:

 Abused Children May Get Unique Form of PTSD

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2013/04/30/abused-children-may-get-different-form-of-ptsd/#ixzz2ZAMSAD8E

Truth

One of the hardest things we go though is to see some one we care about in pain. It is hard to hear them cry and know there is little you can do than offer a shoulder for their tears. Being multiple doesn't change that. We are involved, every day, with those who have seen the worst of people in this world. To presume it is over and in their past is naive. This pain and trauma is with them every day they draw breathe. They are, brave, strong and resilient, and will hide their tears behind the most genuine of smiles. When you see them smile and get on with their day, do not presume all is well. Do not presume they are over the pain. They mask it well, their survival has depended on it. But be warned, be sure you are ready for the answer before you ask for the truth. The truth is not painted in pretty colours, there are no rainbows or unicorns. The truth is the ugliness we all try to hide. It is that which we don't want to even think about. It is the skeletons in our closets we want no one to see. It is the darkest thoughts in the middle of the night that we hope God cant even hear. It is all of that and more. Before you open the cupboard be sure you really want to see its contents. It may be harder than you think to take and once you have seen it, you will never be the same.
The truth is our enemy, it holds us hostage for years against our will. "Never tell, we must never tell."
"No one will believe you if you told anyway." " Very bad things happen to those who tell, and you don't want that do you?"
The truth is also our greatest ally. Once it is out and we have the weight lifted from our shoulders, we can learn to breathe again.
With truth can come fear, guilt, humility and freedom. Once you have accepted it, you can never go back.

News

New Reaserch on Dissociative disorders:

What if you had a condition no one could name? You try all kinds of medications and treatments, but none of them work. You’re in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms after suicide attempts. Some doctors think you’re a fraud. In a years-long struggle to stay hopeful, you’re lucky if you can stay alive.

That is what it’s like for people with dissociative disorders.

 http://tunews.towson.edu/2013/06/11/professor-leads-groundbreaking-search-for-answers-in-mental-health/

I'm Sorry

I am sorry that all this happened to you.
I am sorry that it hurts so much.
I am sorry, that there seems no way to make it better.
I am sorry that this world continues the attack day after day.
I am sorry that no one seems to hear your scream.
I am sorry that no one seems to care.
I am sorry that there is so much pain so deep.
I am sorry that a laugh and a smile bring only temporary relief.
I am sorry that you have known so much of life's worst in your years.
I am sorry that I cannot promise a brighter future.
I am sorry I am not enough to make it better,
And, I am sorry that some days I make it worse.

This Changes Everything, Lol

This morning we had another appointment with our psychiatrist. It was a good appointment and we discussed quite a bit about our system and its workings. we still have alters who are not happy with living the gay lifestyle and want the heterosexual lifestyle back. We are having to work out a compromise so that as many alters can be happy as possible and no one feels they are not important. All this really deepened our understanding of being multiple. On the drive home someone inside said.."wow, so we are multiple, that changes everything!" With a slight chuckle I replied "we have been multiple for years you have only just found out about it." It really does take time for it to filters down to everyone in the system.

Our World

We forget sometimes about the outside world. Our closest friends are multiple, our girlfriend is multiple, we seem to live in a multiple world. We face Trauma and abuse every day. Everyday we help each other thru, we help those who just can't seem to make it through another day. We rejoice with those who have had a good and happy day. We readily adjust our lives and activities to accommodate the needs of traumatised people. Everyday we are multiple and everyday we are surrounded by multiples. It is easy to forget that most of the population of this city, or any city, doesn't live like we do. There are people out there who go about their lives with no idea of what DID is let alone how to live it. We forget that most of these people haven't had severe trauma to make them DID, and we are but a few who have found each other for support.there is a whole world of people out there who live healthy happy lives. We walk past then every day and we never even notice.

System box

Some one in our system came up with what I think is a pretty awesome idea to keep track of who is in our system. We have done system maps before on a large piece of paper, but they always become messy and confusing. There really isn't much room to write about each individual alter and what they like. Some one in the system suggested using index or note cards for each alter and keeping them in a box for easy reference.

We went to the cheap store and bought a small cardboard box and some stickers. Our littles picked them out and helped put them on the box. From the newsagent we bought the packet of what are officially called 'system cards' (thought that was kind of funny). The cards are lined and have enough room on them to write personal information about each alter. If one of us needs more than one card we can just staple them together. 
Today we went through our journal to find the names of all the alters we have written in there. Some of them we had totally forgotten about. We wrote about what they like or don't like, who they are friends with, there role if they have one. We also included anything we have heard them saying about what they have been through. By the time we were finished today we had counted over 30 alters, (some with no more information than a name). It all seems a lot clearer now and a lot less confusing. I know there are some we haven't written about yet but at least now we have an easy and clear system for us all. We store the cards in the box in alphabetical name order to make it easier to find them later if we need to add information. 

A Step On The Road To Healing

Everyone wants to be heard, and the same applies to alters. For years they have carried the secrets of what was done to them. They were not permitted to tell because it was not safe. As we move away from the abuse, and to a place where we feel safer, the alters feel safer too. They begin to want to tell their side of the story. We have been having flashbacks about the same situation for a few weeks now. Last night we had it again while Diamonds was with us. With her support and understanding we were able to talk it through. Once Diamonds had heard what this distressed little alter wanted to say, the flashback stopped and we felt calm and peaceful again. Telling all of us on the inside isn't enough, she needed the secret to come out so she didn't have to carry it any more. As hard as it was to go through, in the end we felt a closer connection to this little alter who had taken this abuse and trauma when we couldn't, and we thanked her for what she has done. This is definitely a step on the road to healing.

Distressed Alters.

Sorry we haven't been on for a while, especially after the last few posts. We had a friend ring us after he saw them, to see if we were ok. It was very sweet. What we didn't get to tell him, was that in the years that he has known us, we have felt this way thousands of times. He has just never realised before. Distress like that comes from an alter or two who feel very upset. Generally though, the next day we have switched to someone who does not feel that level of distress, and all seems ok again and life goes on. It is a cycle we have been doing as far back as we can remember. Yes the distress is real, and the pain is very real, but it generally only lasts for a time, and then less distressed alters take over.

Screaming (triggering)

Are we to damaged to live this life, too broken to be healed. Will we see beyond this future. Is there truly hope of a new day or is it merely today disguised as a new beginning. We are screaming inside but can anyone hear us. They only see our smile and believe it is the truth. We are dying, can we be saved? Is it worth the effort or do we just give up now. Screaming hear me, save me, want me, LOVE ME! Are we worthy of love, truly worthy? What have we done that life deals us this hand. Who did we curse? I wish our eyes would close and we wouldn't have to face the world again. Screaming so loud. When does it pass?

Wild Horses.

I've been feeling this a lot the last 2 days. The need to be free of my DID, of the confusion and complications its brings. To run/live with out a care of the horrors of this life. Its hard and I get tired of the fight. Some days we just have to wonder if it is worth it all, I know that if it wasn't for my kids it would be a decision I could and would consider more closely. I cant leave then with the legacy of a suicidal parent. I don't want to do any more damage than I already have. For them alone we will keep going but some days it just seems so hard to live, and fight and be. To not be broken and hurt.

In or out

How do you choose? The people in the world around you, or the ones who are have always been with you and kept you alive through unimaginable horror. We all get so connected to people in our lives, we fall in love, we share our lives and we decide who we want to share those lives with. But what happens when we are multiple and those on the inside do not get along with those on the outside. How do you choose? It may seen easy, just don't have them out when the person is there, but DID is never that easy. Decisions like this are going on every day...they are just hard.

Leaving it all behind?

One of the things I find hardest about having DID and a trauma history, is that people forget that we cant leave it behind. There are so many ways for  people to say leave the past in the past. And I agree that has merit. There are times when things should be left in the past, issues do not have to be carried on for years But I feel that unfortunately having DID and the trauma that caused it cannot always be left in the past. I will not get up tomorrow morning and get on with my day and forget the trauma. Every time there is a voice in my head, a switch, and argument over what to wear or eat, a head ache from too much switching, any of the thousands of little signs of DID, I am reminded why I am this way and that everyday if a fight to survive. It is not easy and I find it so exhausting. The constant energy it takes to sort out what is going on in my head and deal with the emotions that flow at will, the flashbacks that take a fun situation into trauma again. The head aches, the alters who just want to bitch all day about what a terrible job I am doing. Having to climb over that just to get out of bed in the morning and then keep on top of it throughout the day and go on as if I am a normal person living in a world I created. My trauma is with me EVERY day. There are just some parts I CANNOT leave behind and I don't know i ever will. Who I am has been transformed by what happened to me. I will never be the same and every day is a fight to survive. But yes we keep going, because that is what we know.

ill

Iknow I havbent been post ing much lately, I have been quite ill. I have had a nasty dose of tincillitis and then just as I recovered from that my son caught a virus which he proceeded to share with me. It has been just over 2 weeks of not being at my normal selves. I thought I would post today a video my girlfriend made for me. Hope you like it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0w-BOsij5G4

Knowing rest (may be triggering)

Somedays, even with all the good things that are happening in our life, there is a shroud of pain and hurt that hangs over us. The desire for death to take the pain away. The need for every day not to be a fight anymore. For the peacefulness of the eternal slumber to encase us. Strangely I do not feel depressed or even sad today, it has been a very good day. But the battle is long, and fatigue is ever present. I want to live for my children, for the future I look forward to living. Deep down inside, we are tired, and sleep, rest are so hard to find. I do not wish for the eternal rest now, but when it comes, I may very well great it with open arms. The time when all the fighting will end, and we will know rest. Peace.

Diamonds

Its been a while since I have posted and there is so much I want to say. So much has been happening. Where to begin. I have a girlfriend, we will call her Diamonds. We have been seeing each other for just over a month. As I had suspected in my previous posts, dating a woman is sooo very different to dating a man. It is a very different realm. Most of our usual triggers are just not there, I have noticed that many of the alters that were needed near the front, have gone to the back now as we don't need them in this relationship. It is just not full of fear and worry like a heterosexual relationship is. I don't

go on a date with Diamonds wondering if she is going to try something and then how are we going to cope or respond. The whole dynamic of intimacy and sex is totally different too. I cant imagine going back to men now. It seems a world away. I know that we chose this lifestyle because of all the abuse we have been through, but at the same time it seems so natural and loving. Maybe I could have been born gay and just never had the chance to find out. Who knows but for now I am very happy living the life of a gay woman.
There is one small hitch, or should I say advantage, I am not sure. Diamonds is also a multiple. Yes we have two multiples in a gay relationship. Not the first relationship this way, and definitely wont be the last I am sure, but it does have its challenges. We understand each other better because we are both multiple, and we have helped each other through flash backs and triggers. We have separate relationships developing between different alters in our systems. It can get a bit confusing, and we have had quite a few challenging times when we have wondered if this really going to work. But in the end, there is no one who understands us like she does, and no one who cares like she does. We have gained so much from being together that we cant imagine being apart. I am amazed at how life can take turns you would never have guessed in a thousand years. Will keep you posted. xxx