Do We Deserve This?

One of the hardest things to deal with is the feelings that we deserve what happened to us. Even now as an adult do we deserve the things that happen to us now. When good is happening, we struggle to know how to cope, we feel uncomfortable, unsettled. When things turn bad, there is a comfort there. The same goes for things like self harm. Not just cutting, but also putting ourselves in a situation that we know is going to be harmful so it will hurt. Wanting someone to physically hurt us so we will feel like we deserve to feel. Wanting to smash our arm against a wall to break it so we can feel the pain. Some how we need it to hurt because we believe we deserve it to hurt. This is our life, if it doesn't hurt then it isn't right. It is the only world we know. There has to be pain. It is the only way things feel right in the world.