I am many

We wrote this  in January 2011 just before we started seeing our first Psychologist and before we were diagnosed with DID. We have posted it on here before but here it is again.

I am many.

By Lonnie.

As I stand before you, you see a 42 year old woman, mother of 2, stepmother to 3, and wife. But what you can’t see is who I really am.

You see only the outside, the front we put on for you, the way we survive. The way we function. You see us as one functioning human being, we know us as many.

 Many, trying to coexist in a body and mind that fights to leave us behind. We speak trying to be heard but you cannot hear us. 

Our life is not full, we live in part, and some do not live at all. We are shadows that persist even in the dark. She fights to make us silent but we cannot let her go, she is us and we are her.

We are many but you see only a few. Only those who can come forward and be present will show you their thoughts, but some are never known and only mumble quietly in the dark. They are not welcome to come forward, maybe they cannot be controlled. Maybe they are too scared. We cannot say.  

We hold many secrets, too many to tell. Our life is often broken, and we never feel safe, even with those who love us. Life is hard, sometimes too hard for us, so we hide.

We want to be heard but no one can hear us. We want to be seen, but we have only one face.

 How will you know it is me, if I don’t appear? How can we trust you? How will we know when we are safe? Will the hurting stop and the pain subside?

I am troubled.  When will I be free?

I am many.

  January 2011