Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

10 August, 2013

*****HIghly Tirggering******* Blood stained tears.

Please do not read this if you are triggered by blood or abuse. We do not usually put this sort if thing on this blog but we feel it needs to come out, and this is one of the few voices we have. We do not intend to harm anyone, so please read on with extreme caution.



Is there any hope for us, do we live in a world too broken to be mended. So much has been taken. We have been stripped of who we were. Our lives have been made many. We have been beaten, raped, abused and tortured. We have seen death of a friend right before our eyes. We have fought to get away from the encroaching blood. We have wished we were dead yet fought with all we have to stay alive. We have learnt their ways and even adopted their beliefs, so that we may live to see another day. They have tried to mask our screams so that others will not hear. They have threatened us with death more times than not, just to keep us silent. They have taken from us our youth, and even now our life. We are what they made us, broken, lost and fragile people. They have stripped us of our hope, our courage and our dignity. We are not people; we do not live like people do. We hide from shadows; we scream in pain, we live the nightmare even when we are wide awake. Relief is only temporary. A smile, a ‘good’ day, a sense of hope, these things are all to be cherished. They can be so few and gone so quickly. Underneath there are tears. Blood stained tears. And the pain, always the pain. It never ends.  There is never rest from its constant presence. Those that let us down, where were they when we needed them. Didn’t they hear, didn’t they see what was happening. And now they offer their help…”what can I do” they say.” Just let me know how I can help”. Take me back to then, and make it stop. See MY world, not yours. Look beyond what you want to know. See the pain and torment in my eyes. We were dying then. They were killing us and you didn’t even know. NO one was with us as much as you and yet you couldn’t see…or was it wouldn’t see? Take us back, to when it all began. Stand up for us and who we were. You know if you had helped us back then….we may not have been many, indeed we may have only ever been one. But you didn’t. You didn’t see us or want to know who we were. We can’t face you now. You seem so empty, your promises so fake. What do you know of love and hope and healing? Do you see our eyes now, do you see our pain? I don’t think so; I don’t think you have time. We needed you and you let us down, we need you now and you still cannot hear us. There is no hope here. We still only have each other to lean on. We can only depend on those inside us, the ones made from all the abuse. The ones that broke off, to take the truth when you wouldn’t see it. Were we ever important to you? Did you ever REALLY want us, or were we just some passing toy. A trophy to show your greatness amongst your followers. Look how we shine polished to the max. They think you are marvellous, you can do so much. But underneath the shine, underneath the gloss and sparkle, is the tarnish and blood of our tears. To this day you just won’t help us. You just can’t let it go. You must uphold your image. We know where we stand, we know we will never be what you want us to be, and you can never accept us any other way. But you need to know that even you are at fault. Do not play the martyr. Do not try to take the blame. There is more on your shoulders than you realise, your hands are drenched in blood. It will never come off. It can’t.
We stand alone, the only ones we can trust. You made us this way. I hope you are proud. We are what you made us. A beautiful, strong, independent, broken mess.
And to the others in this drama, your roles go far beyond all that. We will never be able to show you what you have done. We will never get through to you the damage you have caused. But we know, and others will too. We will tell, and we will keep telling until the day we die. You will not get away with this. This is our life, you tried so very hard to take it, but in the end we proved too strong. We are broken and we are many, but together WE WILL WIN!

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