Sleep and Hide.

So tired today of loving this life. So tired of waking up every day to face the life we live. Tired of being broken and hurt and living in flashbacks. But never enough in flashbacks to really know all the answers just enough to get one more piece of the puzzle and to see one more piece of how fu*ked up we really are. It just seems to gets harder and harder. So many opinions inside, so many people wanting to be heard. How do we get 200 people to work together like a family, when there is no way in hell that could happen on the outside world with well adjusted untraumatised people. I close my eyes and I see abuse. I see scenes where it happened. Its everywhere. I just feel so vulnerable. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is all going to be OK. For one brief moment, we don't have to be strong and hold it all together. We can fall onto some ones arms and let them be strong for us. Just for a little while, just so we have time to breathe. For our whole lives we have never had anyone we have felt we can lean on. It has ALWAYS just been us we can depend on. We have Diamonds at the moment and she rocks and is beyond amazingly helpful, but there are just times when we want to curl up into a little ball in some ones arms and for them to take it all and for us to be free. Maybe it can't happen, but just for once it would be nice. To not have to be strong.  To not have to be the one in control. To not have to stifle a cry or a scream. To just let all the hurt and hate and frustration out. I know we are strong and survivors, we have made it this far we have to be, but do we have to be. Can't we just be weak and fall apart for a little while. Just let the world keep turning while we sleep and hide it wont miss us.