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These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

12 April, 2013

nature vs nurture (may be triggering)

I have also been considering nature vs nurture. Specifically in relation to my trauma. My sexual abuse began about when I was 4 years old,  at the hands of several men. I can not say I had any safe male role models. From such an early age, I learnt very well how to satisfy and please a man. Many of that stuff still comes naturally now. It really isn't rocket science anyway but when you have spent your whole life learning it doesn't take long to get the hang of it.
Because that is all I have known I have always considered myself to be heterosexual. I find men attractive as that is the only experience I know. The question is....would I still be heterosexual if I had not been taught that way of life as a child. I want to take some time to step back from what I Have always done and known, and look at things from a new perspective. I have known for some time that we have a lesbian alter, and so have been referring to the body as Bi sexual for a while. I wonder if there isn't more to it than that. My/our time with men has not been very successful and I have to say I do not know too many I can really trust.
As we let our lesbian alter "H" more time out and more freedom, I am seeing that she has much to teach me/us. I can not recall if H has had any real life experience with a woman, I don't think so. One thing she has shown us is that we equate men and sex with anger and that it affects our experience of sex. Maybe I was born a lesbian, maybe life has brought me to this path, and maybe this is just a time of searching and trying. Who knows, but this is one of the many adventures we are opening ourselves up to. We want to make a life that is ours. We are not like others, we do not function like others, so why should we constantly adjust who we are for them. This is our life and we are going to make it our own.

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