I find myself in a strange place tonight. I have not long got home from my eldest son's year 12 photography exhibition. It was a great chance to see his work and the other year 12 students. My ex husband and his wife were there too. His wife is the woman he left me for about 15years ago. She has a bitter dislike for me and shows it whenever we are in the same place at the same time.
I feel no emotional connection to my ex husband and there is no way in hell I would ever get back with him, but I find my head in a strange place at the moment. When I got home I actually felt sick, like I wanted to throw up. It still seems to hurt so much, but I don't know why. We are years past it all and I have totally moved on.
The only thing I can think of is that some of us inside are stuck back there attached to him. When I look at my new husband tonight all I can see is my ex. My brain is having trouble adjusting to the truth of my new relationship. Maybe for some of us we are still with my ex and still feeling the pain of the separation and divorce.
I know we are very frustrated that his wife acts so vindictive in public and wont even be nice on the surface for the sake of my kids. It frustrates me that all she can do is judge me, and that she doesn't like me. Why doesn't she like me? It is like a hurt little child wanting to be liked. But still we are stuck with our mind on our ex. Again I feel like this is haunting me and I cant just get over it and let it go. It just doesn't seem fair. When they are not around I do not give them a second thought, but if I see them, I will be in pain and confusion for ages. I hate being like this. I wish we really didn't care, but for some reason we do. I hate it. I want so much to be free from the past.