Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you are having a good day with those you love.
After the last two weeks of high anxiety levels and not really wanting to have Christmas, I am actually enjoying today so far.
I have had breakfast with my boys and now we are waiting for some of my friends from Bridges to come around this after noon. If you cant have an awesome family get together then why not awesome friends. My mum even rang me from the ship she is on in Antarctica. Not bad hey!
Well please take care and have a good day doing things you enjoy.

Coping but not! ( triggering)

We are many, we do not live as one, we function  for your benefit because you cant understand our world. You are not like us and you struggle to see our pain. There are times when I despise you, with your innocence and freedom. Your laughter and your sunshine. My hatred runs deep, not just for you and your life of innocence and joy, but for those who came before you. I wish you were not here and I could be alone. Alone to suffer in my silence. Without you in my space demanding protocols and action I do not have the time for. My world is so different to yours. My pain runs too deep. I wish that you could see it, but you wouldn't last, you wouldn't cope. You would fade and hide. There are no tears where I am, only pain, anger and hatred. We have taken too much. It is time that it is over. I want it over, when will this all end.

Triggering (self harm)

What I want IS important. It DOES matter. I DO count for something. I AM important.

Can you see me? Can you hear? I'm hurting in here. I'm dying and you wont even listen to what I have to say. You need to see me. You need to know I am here.
I do not exist merely for your benefit. I have meaning and purpose all my own.
Don't you want me? Cant you see me? Every day you neglect me, the darkness wins. I lose the will to keep fighting. Hopelessness invades my soul. You are just like the others.
I am too difficult.
It is not as easy as you would like.
I challenge your insecurities.
See me please, hear my cry. I am crying for you to love me, but my heart is starting to die. I want to kill the darkness. I want to fight to live, but you just take what you need, and leave me alone with my thoughts.
I want to cut the pain away. I want the world to see how much it hurts. I want you to know how much you hurt me.
I want to scream until my throat grows numb.
I want to cut until my flesh flows scarlet slowly taking with it my life.
I want to scream until you will listen.
I want to hope that you can hear.
Why don't you listen to me. Why cant you hear my voice.
I am dying , cant you see my pain, just a little, just one voice? Help me!

My Studio

I live in a house with my hubby and our sons, We have 5 altogether, all teenagers, but only 2 are living with us now. I find that at times it can all get too much and I need a place to escape to. I usually hide in the bedroom I share with my hubby. This has worked reasonably well except that is is decorated in a very neutral way. As I have a large collection of girls inside me, I have been getting very frustrated with how the room is not girly enough. I have also found that I need more space that is only mine. Room for pink and purple to reign, where flowers and candles and toys can live freely.
 With the help of a few friends, we enclosed half of our carport to give me a studio and escape room. It is finally finished. I have a TV, radio, bed to crash on, and all my sewing and art supplies in there. It has been quite an adventure getting it done, especially as hubby has been dealing with very painful Gout during its construction. I Thought you might like to see some pics.

Ready to be painted

The finished room

My crash zone

My art and sewing tables.

Feeling exposed

The last week has been a bit of a hard one. I spent several days last week in bed, not anything to do with a physical illness. Just Alters trying to communicate how they were feeling. And it wasnt good. I had severe nausia, I was lightheaded, and often my head would spin. How do I know it was Alter related and not physical? Because as it started to wain I could hear certain alters talking and when they spoke the symptoms would come rushing back. Nausia is a common one for me, I think it is because of what we had to do duing the abuse. It was not a nice feeling and it always takes a while to try and figure out if these feelings are an illness or alter related.
We have been working very hard with our shrink and he is getting very close to us. We have NEVER had anyone know so much about us and how we work. That, and an incident that felt very threatening on Friday, left us feeling exposed and vulnerable. It has taken a lot of 'work' to get us back to a place where we can feel safe again.
My shrink has been very understanding, and has made it very clear that if he is scaring my Alters, he will back off until they feel safe. He doesnt want to cause any added trauma. So far I am very impressed with his approach. He is used to dealing with multiples and this seems to make a lot of difference. He seems to know when to back off. He also has real life reference points to work from.
As usual life as a multiple is never easy, but it is never boring either. Maybe I could use some boring!!

Elliot

This is Elliot, isn't he gorgeous. Elliot sits 70cm high and is 50cm wide from ear tip to ear tip. I found him as a second hand shop. I don't usually buy second hand soft toys, but he still had his store tags on so I thought he was a pretty safe bet. Elliot has been a god send, more than a few times he has soothed my littles, including last night. Being multiple there are of course littles (child/infant alters) inside, and like most small children they love soft toys. We particularly like ones that have a specific extra soft feel. Unlike other small children, my littles are stuck in an extra large size body. For them, what would normally be a big teddy, ends up feeling very small. That's where Elliot comes in. Because of his size, he is in better proportion to the body's size. This is very comforting to those little ones inside. He is also great to snuggle into or sleep on. I really feels like he is giving me a hug. Because he is so big, he can be hard to find a place to keep him. He has spent the last few months sitting on the couch in the family room. My sons often snuggle up against him as they sit and watch TV.

Will she know how much I love her.

Preparing for the Merry season

Well it is not long now until Christmas, and while this time can be a really happy time it can also be very depressing for many people. For those of us with a family trauma history, Christmas can become a nightmare. It can be hard enough facing family you don't spend much time with throughout the year, but to add all the expectations of everyone getting on for a happy Christmas, and it can be a recipe for disaster. On the other hand perhaps you avoid family during this time. Sometimes that is wise, but it can leave us feeling even more alone and unloved.

Knowing all this, I think it is a good idea to prepare for the Christmas season before you get there.
 If you are choosing to spend time with the dreaded family, than maybe think about limiting the time there. Think of other places or things you need to do, especially if you have to make a quick escape. Have a code word or sign to signal to your partner that this is all getting too much and it is time for us to leave. Organise to only go when the people who trigger you the most wont be there. These are all strategies I have employed in the past, and have worked to one degree or another.
I have also invited a friend or two to spend Christmas with my family so there is someone safe with me to support me when I didn't have a partner. Just some one else to deflect conversations, or keep everyone on their best behaviour, can make a great difference to how you can handle the day.
If all of this is too hard, them maybe not spending time with the family is a better idea. You may find you enjoy the time alone, but for most of us, it can serve as a reminder of how stuffed our life really is. Spending Christmas depressed and miserable is not a good idea either. Perhaps it is an option to invite over friends who are also estranged from their families. Surround your self with fun and laughter and it will be much easier to deal with the lack of family. There is also the option of a street party if you have that kind of neighbourhood and others are around. If some one invites you to their Christmas lunch, take them up on the offer and spend some time with people who care about you.
Christmas can be a very hard time for many of us and self care is a high priority. Keeping up old favourites like journaling or blogging can also help. Skype or ring those you miss at this time, sometimes just hearing their voice can make all the difference. If you must spend this time alone, then plan fun activities to do during your day. Things you really enjoy, and treat yourself to something yummy for the day. But most of all please Remember that you are important, and you are worth taking care of. Just because you cant connect with those you love during this time, doesn't mean you are forgotten. I personally really appreciate EVERYONE who comes to read my blog, and I will be checking to see who has dropped in during Christmas. I hope things go well for you all and that we can all make this an enjoyable time.

Split personality

P!nk's Split personality is the closest song I have found that seems to relate to being Multiple. Thought I would share it.

We must be one.

As I delve deeper and deeper into the depths of my mind with my shrink, I realise how important it has been to survive . I have been seeing him for many weeks and I feel quite comfortable around him. We joke and have quite a good rapore. He sits in a chair that is a good safe distance away from me, and he NEVER makes any attempt to touch me in any way. These are all very good things. Slowly we are releasing more and more information about ourselves and the workings going one inside. But we now come to a hitch. 
For our entire lives we have had to work so hard to appear as one united person functioning seamlessly. We do not advertise our differences nor do we point out the changes we go through. It is of course survival, to act as one so that no one can ever know we are different. 

This however can be a problem when it comes to working on healing. We had an alter come out the other day who comes from very deep down in our system. We were in with our shrink. He kept asking questions of this Alter that they had no idea of how to answer because it was not their area. Now you may think that the easy explaination is the tell him that we are not who he thinks we are, and in theory it may be. But that would mean exposing our multiplicity. Dont get me wrong, this shrink knows we are many, but we have not really come out in such a forward way before. Although this alter was out, we still didnt want to let him know that he was talking to someone else. 
I realised that day that we dont, as a rule, let too many of our alters out too often. Even with my multiple friends, we let a few out for a short time, but we are still very protective of keeping up appearances that we are one.  
The need to be seen as one is so very very strong, even infront of a person who has experience and knowledge in dealing with people who are multiples. We have shut up shop a bit today and I feel like we are going into a semi hiding place for a while, to help us not to feel too exposed. I expect for the next few days we will be functioning very much as one person just to bring us back into a sense of security. It may take a while for us to feel safe enough to open up to him and let him see who we really are. It is a very big step. No one gets in here. That how we are safe. This is our world and only we can enter. The trust levels must be very high to let some one in, and I am not sure I have ever trusted anyone that much before. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have someone who knows what it is like inside me. 

Alone

I was just reading a post from a friends blog that she wrote several years ago. Although it was written some time ago, I believe it is still very relevant and real for today, in both her life and my own. Butterfly says "

Ive been really sick for the better part of a week now...

And not just sick, but scary sick... I haven't been able to breathe properly for most of the time Ive been sick and that has really brought home to me, the fact that I am here alone most of the time and no-one would know if I died... Well, not until it was time for my girls to be dropped off for the weekend again, or until the stench of my rotting corpse hit the street... Its left me feeling very lonely at times and craving the intimacy of real human touch;

This really caught my attention. I am wondering if it is linked back to the trauma again and the feeling that we are forgotten and that no one really would know or care if we died.
 I know that before I got remarried I had a terrible time with being home alone. When that boys were at their fathers I would often have a week to myself. Even times when I had the boys with me, I felt like no one seemed to know or care that I existed. Sure the boys were there but I was their carer not them caring for me. As I had not long come out of a divorce, my friends were few and far between. I spent many a night just wishing some one, anyone, would be there for me. I felt as if I didn't matter, as if no one really cared for me unless it suited them. I too felt like no one would know if I died  until the boys came home or the smell got too bad. I remember wanting to go and stand on a table in the middle of McDonalds and yell at the top of my lungs: "SOMEONE NOTICE ME!" I guess I felt inconsequential and unimportant in peoples lives.
It seems to me to be a very similar feeling to the lost and lonely child who is dealing with abuse that no one can know about, and no one can save her from. Deep down I had the hope and deperate desire for someone, anyone, to notice what was happening to me and save me. To the best of my knowledge, no one ever did. 
That sense of desertion from the human race can take a long time to leave.
Times when I feel alone, I am left wondering again, if anyone would every miss me. Do people REALLY see me or am I just someone in the back ground who can come and go without anyone noticing. Am I merely a bigger version of that lost forgotten little girl, screeming for someone to notice her, while everyone else is in their own world, busy getting on with the task at hand.

In reply to the conversation we had the other day "C", Maybe that is why being home alone for long periods does our heads in. The panic and fear is still there and we feel truly deserted by the human race. Forgotten and unneeded. Only there for those who want to take advantage.  Better to grab what we can, imperfect as it is, than to have nothing at all and be ALONE! 
By the way "C".....I would miss you!
 

Why does it still hurt so much?

I find myself in a strange place tonight. I have not long got home from my eldest son's year 12 photography exhibition. It was a great chance to see his work and the other year 12 students. My ex husband and his wife were there too. His wife is the woman he left me for about 15years ago. She has a bitter dislike for me and shows it whenever we are in the same place at the same time.
I feel no emotional connection to my ex husband and there is no way in hell I would ever get back with him, but I find my head in a strange place at the moment. When I got home I actually felt sick, like I wanted to throw up. It still seems to hurt so much, but I don't know why. We are years past it all and I have totally moved on.
The only thing I can think of is that some of us inside are stuck back there attached to him. When I look at my new husband tonight all I can see is my ex. My brain is having trouble adjusting to the truth of my new relationship. Maybe for some of us we are still with my ex and still feeling the pain of the separation and divorce.
I know we are very frustrated that his wife acts so vindictive in public and wont even be nice on the surface for the sake of my kids. It frustrates me that all she can do is judge me, and that she doesn't like me. Why doesn't she like me? It is like a hurt little child wanting to be liked. But still we are stuck with our mind on our ex. Again I feel like this is haunting me and I cant just get over it and let it go. It just doesn't seem fair. When they are not around I do not give them a second thought, but if I see them, I will be in pain and confusion for ages. I hate being like this. I wish we really didn't care, but for some reason we do. I hate it. I want so much to be free from the past.

Death of Innocence

One of the big things that has been bugging me lately is the power that a paedophile has over a child. My first preditor was very good at grooming. He knew what he was doing and won me over very well. For most of my life I have felt closer to him than my own parents. This angers me. To this day my connection to him is very strong and I will have a dream with him or one of his family members at least once a week. He is never too far from my mind.
I have also been working with my psychiatrist about my dislike of being touched, especially if that person is being nice to me at the same time. It can send me into a fit of tears, and has as far back as I can remember. My psych says it could be because when I was young and being groomed, my abuser "John" would have said nice things to me, and then abuse me. The connection between it all is deeply ingrained in me. (he started abusing me when I was 4 years old) He knew that I needed to be made to feel special and he made the most of a vulnerable child. 40 years on and I am still unable to accept kind and loving touch without fearing what is coming next.
My friends have learnt to give me a hug and then pull away before they say anything nice,  or as a friend did yesterday, she started to call me silly insults and names as she went in for a hug. I had to laugh it was so sweet. But deep down it is sad that I have so much trouble accepting love.
When I got my wrist tattoo the other day I also got a very small white tear tattooed just below my right eye. I wanted a very small reminder of the Death of innocence.

Tattoo

 This is one of my new Tattoos. On my Right wrist I have the word hope written with a ribbon going down to my thumb with a key on it.
I recently saw something online about hope being the key to getting through things and I loved it. It really spoke to me. After considering several options of how to remind myself, I decided on the tattoo. Without hope we give up, we lose sight of the way out and we can lose ourselves in hopelessness and depression. I remember reading somewhere once about how the Jews who survived in concentration camps were the ones that never gave up hope. It can get us through so much. Sometimes we do lose hope but that is the time when we must ask for hope from others. This is from a book a friend told me about and I find it really speaks to me.


Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,
Pain and confusion are my companions.

I know not where to turn;
looking ahead to future times does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see troubled times,
painful days and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand by me,
offer me your presence, your heart and your love.

Acknowledge my pain,
it is so real and ever present
I am overwhelmed
with sad and conflicting thoughts.

 Lend me your hope for a while,
A time will come when I will heal,
and I will share my renewal,
hope and love with others.
                    
               by Author unknown

From the Book- Victory over the darkness by Neil T Anderson.

As trauma survivors it is very easy to get lost in the hopelessness of the pain and endless reminders of the past, but hopefully we will always have someone who will be there to help us get through.

Numb!

Socialising with Multiples

The opportunity to spend time with others like me has changed my life immeasurably. I must admit I spend most of my free time with other multiples. There is an ease associating with others who understand how your brain works. We have our in jokes and sometimes our very dark humour. We have our days when we are working together to get us through some of our toughest issues, and then there are those times when we can barely breath for the laughing. We know how important it is to use effective communication, like writing things down, and we have a knowing patience for things being forgotten. We understand that while we are laughing some days, it is often hiding a pain so deep we can't bare to speak of it. We can talk openly about our struggles with self harm and hatred. We regularly encourage each other to slow down and practise self care. To me, these people are my family. They know me, they understand me, and when I need them, to the best of their ability, they are there. Life is easier because of them. Having a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on, is one of the greatest gifts of life.

More than Bridges

Things are gong really well for me at the moment. Bridges is going along nicely and I have made some great friendships. As we get to know each other better we brave stretching our relationships to new levels. Socialising outside the Friday meeting is now becoming not only the norm, but also essential to getting through my week. It can seem to take forever to get though one week so we can see each other again.
This of course has not been without its challenges, we do have DID after all. While I have been thoroughly enjoying spending time with my friends from Bridges, I  have felt a distance or a wall between us. Totally on my side and by my doing, but nun the less still there. It has taken some time for me to realise it is even there. A couple of weeks ago I realised what it was and why it was there. I haven't had close female friends for years, not really close ones. I have been shutting myself off from it all so I didn't get hurt again. It takes a lot to trust someone and to let them in, and the resulting rejection if things fall apart, can be devastating. It has been so long on my own that I had forgotten how it feels to let someone in. (except my husband)

Once we realised what was happening and the wall came down, I was literally able to see the world in a different way. It was like I had been looking at things through a dirty window on a dark day. Suddenly the view is clear and the sky are blue. I feel like it is a new part of my life. I cannot say I am not anxious about letting people back in. It is always fraught with danger and possible pain, but for now I am enjoying being able to hug my friends again. Not being afraid of every thing I say and do. ( just parts of it) I feel I am able to let these people really get to know me. One way or another. I am pleased to have achieved it and that I am one more step along the road to healing.

Unconditional Love

What is it?
Unconditional Love: affection with no limits or conditions; complete love (online dictionary)

From Wikipedia:
Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism, complete love, or "mother's love." Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. An example of this is a parent's love for their child; no matter a test score, a life changing decision, an argument, or a strong belief, the amount of love that remains between this bond is seen as unchanging and unconditional.

True love, love without conditions. What are the conditions that can so often get in the way?
You are not good enough, you are not what I thought you would be. You are not making me proud by doing what I want. You are embarrassing me in front of my friends. I want you to be different from who you are. You are not tall enough, fast enough, skinny enough. I never really wanted you, you are in my way. You are not perfect. You do not work hard enough. There are thousands of them of course, and we can all name a few.
We all know many people who we would never expect to give us unconditional love. But there are a select few from whom we hope or even expect it from. Family is often one of them. We hope/expect that these people will love and accept us no matter what we do. No matter how hard we push.
What happens when these people do not give us unconditional love. What happens when maybe they are unable or unwilling to give it. It is possible that you learn that your worth becomes entirely based on what you do. You, on your own, have not value. Who you are as a person is not important. What is more important is what you can achieve, who you can impress. If you are not achieving then you have no value. I'll say it again....you have no value!
It is a horrible thing to say to someone. But would we ever say it to someone.  Most of us never would, not directly anyway. But are we saying it indirectly?  Where are are priorities? We often hear someone say they would die for that person. This is rarely tested as there are not many opportunities where are lives are on the line. But a better point is, do you die for them daily? Are they important enough to you to give them time today. Are the other things in your life more important than them. Of course not you say..nothing is more important than a person! But I just can't be there for them today, or this week really...I am just to busy. I will be there for them next week or maybe the week after. They will understand, they know that I love them.
The question is, Do they? Do they really know that you love them, or do they know that actions speak louder than words? Would you die for them daily? Would you give up the life you have made, for them? If the answer is yes, they mean the world to you, then you had better hope that they know it too and that it is seem in your actions. Words are cheap, but actions show dedication and time. Things that are so precious to us now. Can we give of these for the ones we are supposed to unconditional love? Can we stop running in our busy modern lives to enjoy the presence of those around us?
 

OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder)

My husband and I have several cockatiels. It is breading season and we often have to hand raise one or two. This time I am hand raising one. She is becoming very cute and sweet but it has not been without its challenges. Most multiples that I know have at least one Alter that is at least a bit germ obsessed. I too have an alter who is very conscious of germs and mess. With the baby bird inside the house and having to clean up after her, it has been quite a challenge. The desire to clean every thing several times, wash my hands and change my clothes if the bird touched them, can be very overwhelming. It has caused me quite a bit of stress. It has also taken me a bit by surprise. I didn't realise how strong it was.
As time goes on, and as I am better able to hear my Alters, I am learning what they are saying and what is bothering them. I am also able to carry out there wishes more effectively.
When an alter has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) they need to be clean and germ free. They need order. I know many people with DID who carry sanitiser with them constantly. I like to always have clean hands and need to wash them frequently. As yet I have not quite got to the sanitiser stage, but at times I get close. ( I am on medication to help decrease the intensity of the compulsion). I also have an obsession for having clean teeth. I carry a tooth brush with me in my handbag and if I am caught without it I can feel quite distressed. I have even left friend's houses early because I couldn't stand not being able to clean my teeth.
As the baby bird grows and gets less messy, I am finding it a bit easier to cope. She may be the last we hand raise for a while, as it is stressing me out too much. I do enjoy it but the worry about all the germs is doing my head in.

Safe in Nature

 This piece is from Carly, one of our Alters. With Lonnie's help, we were able to bring it into existance.

Graduation

Last night we celebrated my eldest sons graduation from high school. It is such a proud moment, made even more special by the determination and hard work that was needed to get him through school in the first place. He was diagnosed at 7 years old with ADD (no hyperactivity), developmental delay, low muscle tone and compulsive toe walking. The next few years were just plain hard work. We regularly visited psychologists, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, doctors and hospital. Twice he had plaster casts put on both legs at the same time, to help with the toe walking. He required extra help at school, and I had to spent as much time as I could in school to help, as at times he was very hard to control. It took 3 three schools until we could find the one that could give him the help he needed. He had to repeat a year of school because of his developmental delay.
During this time I wondered if he would ever finish high school. It all seemed just too hard and beyond our reach. He had trouble writing as his muscle tone problems meant he didn't have the control of his upper body that he needed. I can not count the hours we spent practising. All this time I was a single mother(with DID) also raising a toddler.  I really don't know how I made it. At the time I remember thinking I wouldn't, and wondering if it was worth all the hard work and exhaustion. At times I felt like I couldn't go on.
To see him standing on the stage last night graduating, and knowing he is heading on to University next year to study Biomedical Science, is beyond my wildest dreams. He has achieved so much and come so far.  Yes I have more grey hairs because of it. Yes the bags and wrinkles are more pronounced, but it is all worth it to see him on the path he loves and a life he enjoys. He is one of my greatest blessings, and while parenting can be the hardest thing you will ever do, the rewards are beyond anything you can imagine.   Days like today I remember: it is all worth the fight!

A weighty issue!

Such a big topic.(no pun intended) Most countries like America and Australia are fighting an ever increasing epidemic of obesity. I am not going to parrot off statistics about how many of us are over weight, or how serious this is for our health. I am sure that most of us have well and truly heard to warnings. I am going to share my very personal and private struggle with the one constant in my life. Trying to lose weight!
 I was born at 6lbs 8oz and was from what I can tell a normal weight and size until the age of 4. From then on my battle began. I have been overweight since then. My well meaning parents, were of course, doing their best to try to help me with this 'problem'. By the age of 12 I had been on many diets, including attending weight watchers.
With the growth spurt that usually occurs in the early to mid teens, I slimmed down to just a little over average weight. ( a size to day I would be elated to achieve). Then on to adulthood and many years of yo-yo dieting. If I had saved to money I spent on all those diets and slimming programs I would now be able to retire. I am now in my mid 40's and as we all know, my metabolism is starting to slow with age and the deck is stacked against me even more. I am now classified (and have been for some time) as morbidly obese. Over the years I have found many programs that have helped me to lose weight, including a stint with anorexia. Nothing however has worked long term. Now I know why.
At the age of 4 years old when my weight just 'suddenly' started to rise, my sexual abuse had started. In the mind of a very scared little girl it is very common to feel that some how by being bigger I would be safe and 'he' wouldn't be able to get to me.
 As time went on the reasons for eating increased. As my parents obsessed about my size they turned their focus onto doing what ever then could to stop me eating. My mother, who had always had a good figure, started to go on diets 'with me' so that I would lose the weight. My eating was watched and regimented and I was often restricted from eating. I began to feel as if that was all they could focus on and that the one thing that was most important was that I lose the weight. Keep in mind during all this time I am still being sexually assaulted and fighting desperately to find some way to feel safe. Food now became my rebellion. I would sneak food. Eat it when they weren't looking. This if course gave me a great sense of power to get away with this, but it also brought with it shame and guilt. ( I remember when I finally had my own car and money, that I drove to the local supermarket and bought a packet of Tim Tam Chocolate biscuits. I sat in my car and ate the whole packet. I felt totally sick, but it was the fact that I could do it and that I was in control of what I ate.)
Food by its very nature is comforting to us. An empty stomach is uncomfortable and hunger pains hurt. As I was growing up, I felt alone and unsupported in the abuse I was going through. My father often away with business and my mother busy with other things to do. I remember hurting myself outside as a child and coming inside to tell mum and get comforted. Mum was busy in the kitchen. she sat me down in the dinning room and handed me a packet of Maltesers (chocolates) and said "here eat these, they will make you feel better." Along comes food for comfort, particularly chocolate. (my drug of choice). Eating would ease the pain and fill the hole inside, even if the hole was in need of something else.
As I grew up through my teen years, I began the battle between wanting attention from boys but at the same time not wanting what that could mean, SEX! I was not a promiscuous teen, as a matter of fact I did my best to steer clear of sex if at all possible. One of the easiest ways to do this was to be overweight. Most boys don't like 'fat girls'. Once again it was keeping me safe. I knew the real me was deep down inside this large 'fat suit' I was wearing and no one could really touch me, not the real me anyway. It was a bit of a hit and miss solution as it stopped me from having the affection I craved and wasn't really the solution for stopping sex anyway.
 As like everyone else with a weight issue, I was often teased and hassled by others, and not always children either. Adults can be very cruel too.
 In my mid twenties I was wanting to start having a family. I had troubling conceiving. After a few tests it was discovered I have Poly cystic Ovary syndrome. This can affect a woman's chance to conceive and, as well as other things, here ability to lose weight. I felt overwhelmed by that fact that the one enemy I had been fighting all my life was winning. "If I could just lose weight I could do anything!" My entire self worth was determined by my weight, and as I was over weight, I was a failure and not worth the effort. It was deeply pervasive sense of despair.
I needed and wanted help, but no one could or would really help a fat person. They just tell you to have more will power and shove you on another diet. I knew that people with anorexia get help, I knew that people felt sorry for them. With a little help from a magazine article about an actor with anorexia, I took the plunge, and followed what was said in the article. I abscessed about it, read it several times a day and followed it religiously. It worked, I was losing weight at a fast rate. I weighed myself several times a day, drank heaps of water and hardly ever ate. The magazine even told of the techniques that this actor used to avoid eating. It all worked. My weight was starting to move, and before too long I could feel my mind change the way it saw food. Hunger and an empty stomach became a good thing, a comforting thing, and a full stomach was painful. Hunger pains meant I was losing weight so they were good. Before too long I didn't want to eat, I was turned off by the very thought of food. It was a very dangerous place to be. But, I had lost enough weight to get pregnant and with the pregnancy I dropped my starvation practices and went back to eating how I had wanted..for the baby of course. During my time of self enforced starvation I felt a strength and power I had not known before. I could finally control the one thing that had controlled me all my life. I had another small brush with not eating after the birth of my second son but fortunately at that time I was too stressed to be able to maintain it for too long. As time has gone one, my weight has increased, occasionally I lose a bit here or there, but never too much and never for too long.
 After my divorce I realised I was still craving intimacy, but being too busy raising two boys on my own I substituted food for sex. When I am stressed I eat and most often something like chocolate
As my life went on, I realised that guilt was also such a big part of my eating. If I ate the 'wrong thing' I felt guilty for days. I once ate a salad for lunch but because it had an onion in it that tasted like the ones in fast food burgers, I had days of guilt over it. That was when I realized I needed to overhaul the way I looked at food.
 Have you ever been on a diet and been told you cant eat certain foods? What is the one thing you now want to eat, even if you weren't that keen on it before? The restricted food! I decided to now eat what I wanted when I wanted and start to enjoy it and not feel guilty. Yes, at first I ate cake and chocolate and biscuits and all the 'bad' stuff I had felt guilty about before. Buy over time my tastes changed and I actually wanted to eat the salads and veggies. My body had had enough of the junk. I ate healthy because I wanted to NOT because I had too. It was a wonderful feeling, and so liberating. This is a practise I follow today, I love a good salad, eat the occasional biscuit and still enjoy chocolate as my comfort food. Yes I am still over weight, but at least now I am not fighting my self and berating myself every time I put something in my mouth.
You may now be wondering how this relates to DID. Good question! My eating is deeply ingrained into who I am. I have child alters who still to this day believe that if we are not big we are not safe. I can spend 10mins contemplating a diet or eating plan and then the next 2 weeks binge eating because those thoughts made them feel unsafe. I have an alter who hates to exercise. Many of us love it and will often start exercise programs with great enthusiasm and determination. Only to 'come back' a month or two later and realise the body has been taken over by the one who hates exercise, and we have done nothing at all. As there are many frightened Children in here and as we ALL take turns in running the body, it is very hard to consistently direct the body in a particular way. Needless to say it is not an easy race to run.
I have concluded, with the help of my Psychologist, that until we as a system feel safe, being thinner will only ever be a temporary thing. We must work on the true problem (trauma and abuse) and not the symptom (weight). We do not feel safe in this world and while our size gets us abuse and prejudice it also keeps us safe. Somewhere deep inside this body is a very scared little girl. You can't get to her because she is hiding and safe. Can you accept and love me at this size. I hope for your sake you can. It would be foolish for you to miss out just because of your prejudice. 

Be back soon

Hi Everyone,
I know it has been ages since my last post. I would like to say I have a great excuse but I really don't. I just really haven't felt like sharing. I am not, by nature, a big one to share what is going on in my head. Even amongst other multiples it will take me a while to start to share what is happening for me. I am however a very good listener. This habit of listening has been very helpful for me over the years. It has served me well, and still does, but is not very helpful for blogging. By the very nature of DID we are mainly designed to keep what is happening inside. To hide what we are going through. There are days it is a great struggle to even tell my husband how I am going. I am really not that sure people want to know or I can handle them being inside my very private life/mind. Blogging has been very good for me and I have managed to share a lot of what has been happening for me and it has helped many. Please be patient with me, I will be back soon.

Trauma Informed Care

What is Trauma informed care? This is something I hear quite a bit about, but until recently really didn't have a handle on what it is. Trauma informed care is about having an understanding of how trauma impacts the life of an individual who is seeking services whether they be in the mental health sector or not. Traditional approaches for delivering services may actually exasperate survivors vulnerabilities and or triggers, effectively retraumatising the survivor.

From the ASCA website:

At the core of this agenda is the need for awareness and responsiveness to trauma across service systems. Adult survivors of child abuse carry a number of diagnoses and present to an array of services. Yet their trauma is often not asked about, identified or addressed. Adult survivors often experience complex trauma - trauma which is interpersonal, often extreme and repeated, and perpetrated during a child's developmental years. Complex trauma needs to be differentiated from single incident trauma or a one-off event. It is crucial for all service systems and practitioners to be educated around trauma in general and complex trauma in particular and for systems to be alert to the sensitivities, vulnerabilities and coping strategies survivors carry.

Also in line with this is the understanding that many trauma survivors, are not ill. We do not have a sickness, we are merely displaying the affects of trauma. We don't necessarily need a pill to treat us, but we do need understanding and education.
As you have heard me say previously, DID is not an illness. It is not like Schizophrenia, or bipolar, it is not a medical condition where part of the body is not working correctly. DID is the normal response, in a normal person, to very abnormal situation (trauma). In fact if we were not normal we would not have developed DID to cope with what we were going through.
There are of course secondary conditions that often accompany DID. The most common is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (PTSD) Approximately 80% of survivors with DID also have PTSD. Again this is a stress and trauma condition and not an illness. Depression and Anxiety are also very common amongst trauma survivors. These conditions can at times require medication to assist the survivor in day to day living, but good therapy and education on copping techniques can make a dramatic difference.
 Then there are many physical conditions that can develop due to the extra stresses on the body, i.e. high blood pressure, fibromyalga, chronic fatigue, diabetes etc. When the human body lives in a constant state of allertness or being 'on edge', it releases our fight or flight chemicals by the brain. These are great for short bursts, but the body is not designed to have them there all the time. This puts the body through immense stress and over time it takes its toll.  Many survivors use drugs or alcohol to numb this feeling, but that too is only stressing an already overworked nervous system.
In dealing with all these things it is vital that the survivors needs, as a whole, be taken into account. Denying the trauma in treatment of any of these conditions can be very dangerous, and retraumatising. We as survivors need to do our best to communicate our needs and concerns to all of our health care professionals, and in return their knowledge and understanding should be there to support and help us.
First do no harm.

ASCA Workshop

Yesterday I went to a workshop run by ASCA (Adults Surviving Child Abuse) on "Creating new Possibilities." It went for 3 hours and was near the city. I was of course very nervous, as I didn't know anyone else there, but it all payed off in the end. (for more information about ASCA please go to my PAGES section to the right and click on their name and it will take you to their very helpful website.)
The workshop yesterday had 2 facilitators and a guest speaker from Sydney, Zan, who is a Psychoanalyst. Zan was very informed and had done these for quite a while.
She covered -
Coping techniques, and if they are still working for you.
Childhood responses to threat
Dissociation
Splitting
Denial
Please or Appease
impacts of abuse
Reducing the intensity of troubling emotions
Dividing overwhelming feelings into manageable parts
Self Harm
Rejecting power, intimacy and trust
Self care
Abuse and the nervous system
Calming techniques
Getting support.
just to name a few....
The workshop was open to anyone who had experienced any type of abuse or witnessed domestic abuse. We had 6/7 participants there.

One of the things that fascinated me the most was to explanation of how the brain functions during abuse and how it affects its ability to deal with situations in the future. We can of course change the brain as we get older but it does take effort. Zan described it as a well worn path through an area of grass. We know exactly where we need to go and it is easy to follow. When we start to use other coping techniques for dealing with our trauma, we are basically trying to make a new path through the grass. If we don't use it often the path is harder to see where it was, and the brain, which naturally like patterns and 'habits', will head back to the old ways. It does take time but with persistence we can get there.

Another thing that stood out was the 'Healing needs to happen between people'. Zan says that our trauma was caused by people, so we need to heal with people. Learning to trust, maybe only one person, we start to heal.

Self Care- We didn't get the nurturing we needed as a child, and we may not be able to get all we need now from others in our life, so self care is giving ourselves the nurturing we need. We cannot always depend on others to be there for us so we must nurture and love ourselves.It is not being selfish, it is merely giving ourselves that which everyone else got but we missed out on. Self soothing is also part of that, and we may have missed this as a child. When we hold a baby in our arms and rub their back, we are releasing Oxytocin ( a hormone released in the brain that makes you feel good) in the baby and also in ourselves. For this reason stroking ourselves is a great way of self care as we are releasing the hormones we need to feel better. We of course went onto different ways to self care like exercise, listening to music,  a warm bath.

What stood out to me the most and what was hardest to accept, was the word DESERVE. We didn't ask for these things to happen to us, yet strangely we take the blame and think we must be bad and not deserving of anything good. The truth of the matter is We deserve to heal. We deserve the support that we need to heal. This is always a hard one for me. Having spent so much time in religion I have taken to the extreme that we don't deserve anything....anything we get is a gift and we are to be extremely grateful to have it. I am never good enough to deserve anything except the bad things that happen in life. To be able to deserve healing is a strange concept. To say I deserve to live a life healed like those not traumatised is so foreign to me.
For me the key word from the workshop is deserve. I deserve to heal, and that self care is merely giving myself that which I didn't get as a child.
I highly recommend attending one of the ASCA workshops if you can. It is hard to do new things but often the blessing far outweighs to difficulty in getting there.

I AM NORMAL!

 PODS ( Positive outcomes for Dissociative Survivors) is a UK organisation run by Carolyn and Rob Spring. Carolyn has DID. They provide wonderful services for people with dissociation and their families and friends.To go to their website, just click on the link here - PODS
Pods publishes a magazine ( not shinny and glossy like you would find in the newsagent) every3 or 4 months on life with DID. Rob usually writes an article about being a support person for some one with DID. It is very informative and well worth a read. You can access back copies for free, which is what I usually do.
I was reading the May 2012 issue last night,  'Parts are only part of the problem' by Carolyn, when a piece caught my eye. I will quote it for you here.

"DID is not rare; it is not unique; it is not special. It is just a logical set of symptoms to some  terrible trauma. It is a normal way to react to very abnormal childhood treatment. In fact, I only have DID because I am normal. If I had not reacted normally to chronic trauma and disrupted attachment I would not have developed DID."

As a Multiple we can feel so broken, fractured, abnormal. We feel that we are some how not the same as everyone else. Perhaps we were born with a mutant gene that makes us react to trauma this way. There are thousands of ideas that cross my mind as to why we have DID. Most of them not positive or helpful. I know I generally spend most of my life feeling broken and useless. This small paragraph really helped me to change the way I see myself. I AM NORMAL, I am just like everyone else except for one detail, I survived that which most people don't even want to talk about let alone live through. It puts the 'blame' back where it belongs...it is caused by the trauma, it is not my fault. I am not broken, I have merely had to survive in an extremely efficient way. 

Self blame is an easy road to take when you have been abused as a child. Children often take the blame for so many things that happen in the adult world. How much more so for the abuse they were forced to endure. I know we struggle with these thoughts regularly. But I am in no way to blame for this. I was a very normal little girl trying the best way I knew to get through a very abnormal situation. I find myself feeling compassion for myself and my levels of self hatred decrease. I see a small small girl with brown curly hair and a tear running down her cheek, just wanting to feel loved and safe. A normal little girl just like any other but with a determination to survive that made DID the only mechanism to make it. She is a very brave little girl and one day I hope to be proud of the strength she has.

Supportive friend

I have had an interesting day today. An old friend who had visited a week or so ago, came back for another visit. The first visit was very stressful and left us shaken for a couple of days. This old friend, lets call him 'R' has known me for nearly 10years, but I have not seen him for at least 4years. He is a very lovely and caring man with a great heart. When he came around a week or so ago it became evident that it was not me he was used to hanging out with. He had obviously spent most of his time hanging out with another one of us from inside. I personally have very few memories of our times together, yet he regaled me with several occasions when we were together and or on the phone together. None of these were familiar and the behaviour he said I exhibited was very much not mine, and definitely belonged to some one else in our system. Needless to say I found his first visit in such a long time to be quite traumatic. He is very tall and a big man, when he enters a room you know it. His size alone can be intimidating. He is a gentle giant and loves to give hugs. I am of course not the one who likes all that hugging and found it to be way too much. It left us all shaken for days. He had said he would pop around another day and I was not looking forward to it.
When he called today to pop in I knew what I was going to do. I welcomed him in, (no hug) made him a coffee and we sat in the lounge. I started to talk to him about my Disorder. I explained that the person he had been friends with most of the time was not me and that it was a totally different part of me. I, personally, am not that keen on all the hugging, touching and conversation matter he had discussed recently. Fortunately R has worked as a carer for people with Disabilities and for some one with DID. He also knew some other people before that with DID so he is quite up to date on the disorder. I was so pleased. Not only did he understand my disorder but he also went on to tell me that he had suspected it for several years now. He remembers how different I was all those years ago and how one day I could be totally different from another.One day I might be more prudish and then the next totally the opposite. How I would forget things we had done or said,  only 3 days previously. It had sparked his curiosity. He is very supportive and I appreciate having someone who not only gets it, but can also remember me in the past. ( I cant! lol)
It is always a struggle to find people who understand this disorder, and who dont expect us to be an axe yeilding murderer. It is always a blessing to get understanding from someone, who can accept all your changes and memory issues. 

my whinge!

'Things have been getting better with my immediate family lately. Things were starting to settle down. I was beginning to feel relaxed, I was even starting to get my sense of smell back. ( My sense of smell is the first thing to go when I am stressed and or dissociated).
Then today hit. Like a tone of bricks. My son 'J' had been home sick for a few days. I didn't think much of it and only took him to the doctors today to just make sure it wasn't anything major. After leaving the doctors surgery I got a phone call from my ex husband, J's dad.  J was in trouble again. It has not been an easy few years with him. He had lulled me into a false sense of calm and trust. I was just beginning to trust him again after the last incident which had involved the police.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....quite honestly, how much stronger can I get. I sat with my Psychologist the other day we listed of the things I have been facing over the last few years. She said she often sees patients with one or even two of these things to deal with, but never this many. I am not sure if I should be pleased or cry. Her is a short list of some of them.
Me
Dissociative Identity disorder
Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic stress disorder
Arthritis
High blood pressure (not really surprising given the list)
( and few relatively minor physical health issues)
 Hubby - degenerative kidney disease
Boys
 ADD
Developmental delay
Low muscle tone
ADHD
gifted child
Gay child
Child in trouble with police
Children skipping school
Step family ( that one is just a tricky little bundle)
This is not including, my own divorce, my parents divorce, my father disappearing during my teens, and of course the abuse I endured as a child.
There are probably a few other incidentals I have forgotten for now, but I am sure we can now safely say.... it is time for a break. A full year without any thing nasty would be nice. I have learnt not to hold my breathe waiting for that. I am sure there are others out there who have suffered far worse than me... but this is my little whinge! Done!

P.S. J turns 14 tomorrow. Happy birthday my son!

Languages of Love

Is it love that I seek, or attention, is it unconditional acceptance. As a child, getting some ones attention makes us feel loved. As adults this can be true too. But not all attention is equal. My abusers gave me attention, and in some cases lots of it. So much so that I attached to one of them far more strongly than my own parents. But this was not love. True love would not take a child and put your needs ahead or a child's safety and sanity. That was merely grooming me, connecting with me and getting me to trust him, so that he had control and power. That was abuse of my innocence, but to this day I still yearn for that 'love'.

There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. In it Gary says that we feel and express love through one of the five languages of love. Some people feel loved through physical contact, like hugs. Enough hugs and cuddles, and these people will know you love them. For others it is buying of gifts, or quality time, word of affirmation, or acts of service. If we can know which language the important people in our lives feel love with , we can make sure they get what they need. We also can learn our own language and what makes us feel loved. Although we generally have a more dominant method of feeling loved, we can feel it through several forms. If I have a partner who needs quality time to feel loved and I am constantly showering them with gifts, because that is how I feel loved. Chances are they will not be feeling the fullness of the love I have to share with them. When I sit down quietly and make time with them to listen to what they have to say, or even do a fun activity they enjoy, they can see how important they are to me.
How many times have fathers gone out day after day working to earn money for their families, when all the family really wanted was time. It is an interesting thought. How we perceive love and its expression may not be that same as how others perceive it.
What I was taught was love, may not really be it. Sex is not love. It can be, but it often is not. The same with touching and holding. Telling me how pretty I am may not be love either. All the languages above can be used and as tool to gain influence over someone. They can feel like love, but it is only manipulation. On the other hand, there are those who love someone immensely and don't have the ability to effectively show it. Love can be a very illusive thing.
It is one of the essentials of life. We are responsible for showing someone love and not manipulation. It is one of life's hardest things bit one of its most needed.

Trying not to Love you.

I recently saw the tittle of a Nickleback album, and it hit me like a cold slap across the face. 'Trying not to love you'
I realised that I was doing exactly that. Trying NOT to love so many people in my life. Trying not to get to close. Because it will hurt.
Love is one of life's essential components - air, water, food and love. The necessities of life. With out them humans either do not survive. I have seemingly done well with the air, water and food parts of my life. ( although I still fight constantly with the food hate love relationship) But Love...that's a big one. My concept of love I think is not too bad. I know what it looks like when I see it, and I can pick where I don't have it ( generally). I give it liberally to my children, and hope like hell I will receive it from others. It is the one area of my life I feel I have missed out.
As a teen I got involved in the Christian church. Many teens search for meaning and understanding at this age, its nothing new. But I was searching for LOVE. I just needed to know a place where it existed, and in the place that I was in at the time I felt the christian god could give me that. My life has indeed been the search for love. Real, true and unconditional love. It has been quite a journey.
In my late 30's I married a man who for the very first time in my life showed me unconditional love. The first person who I felt accepted me just as I am. People say pets, such as dogs, can also give you unconditional love....but I remain a bit cynical about how truly altruistic that all is.
I feel that generally I am a pretty caring and loving person. Many say I have a mothers heart and naturally take people under my wing and care for them. I know that it is something I find natural to do.
But truly loving some one....letting them inside my darkened walls. Hmmm, now that is a different thing. I have always vowed to let love be my guide and to use it to make my decisions. Truly loving someone means letting them have a piece of you. A piece of the most precious part of you, your heart. If I give you that, you can of course take it and destroy it, or worse still you can take it, love it, I give you more and then you destroy it.
I admit I probably sound a bit jaded by life. Yes I have been through one marriage that ended due to my husband having an affair.
But with all the rest that life has handed out to me as well, I reserve the right to be jaded. Those that should of loved me from the beginning, either didn't or couldn't, and those that did show me love, did it for their own evil means. It is a very hard thing to learn to love and give and share. But most of all to Trust.

System Safety

System safety is paramount. A system is the name we often use to refer to all the Alters together. The protection of the internal functioning and all the alters is the most important thing. To many Multiples, the need and desire to maintian a functioning as a cohesive whole image is one of the highest priorities. We MUST  look normal. For us we try to look as age appropriate as possible, within some boundaries. We do not like our little ones out in public. We try our best to make every situation as normal as possible, and we watch people constantly to see how they behave in situations, so we have a clue as to how we should be behaving at that time.
 We had a very hard day a few days ago and stress levels were very high. As the internal distress increased to almost the point of panic, one of us stepped in to calm us all down. It was very affective and certainly made getting through the day a lot easier. In order to do this the pain, emotion and even some of the memory about the incident must be taken deep inside and hidden from view. It works for what it is intended, as it does calm us down, but the emotions and memories are not gone, just buried. It means I /we can function better and that we often don't remember all the abuse and trauma, but it  isn't healed either.
The next day we were exhausted, totally worn out. We had to spend the day relaxing and not doing much to get some energy back. We are not back to full strength today either. It has taken me a while to connect these together. When we are going through a very stressful time it drains us of so much, that it can take a couple of days to recover. The stress experienced in the body must be immense. I would hate to see my blood pressure during those times.

The voices within.

This is the full movie called 'The voices within-The lives of Truddi Chase'. I have just finished watching it. Truddi Chase is the one who's life is told in the book, 'When Rabbit howls'. It is a very hard book to read and there is quite a lot of mention of the trauma she went through. I have tried to read it but can never get though it.
When I found this on YouTube I thought I would give it a go. There were a few scenes which were a bit triggering but generally it was handled well. If you have a couple of hours up your sleeve and are interested, I recommend giving it a watch.
I found they dealt with the whole topic very well....although there is one mention of her being 'Dissassociative' instead of dissociative, which I always find frustrating.
Truddi refers to all her alters as the Troops. and gives a few brief explanations of their functions. I am glad as I was after a rough rundown of how here system worked. A friend had mentioned the other day that it seemed my system had a thing in common with Truddi's, so of course I wanted to check it out. There was no way I was going to the book to do that. But it has helped. I may disclose more later.

I am tired of feeling so numb. (possible trigger)

Some days it just hurts....and it doesn't seem to stop.
Some days I just wish someone would just leave their world for once, and come into mine and see how much I struggle to stay alive.

Your empty words don't heal me,
your cold arms don't give me relief .
I stand alone wondering my worth,
and you just walk on by.
You feed the doubt and hatred,
you tell me I am nothing.
You seem so proud of what you are doing,
of how you appease your guilt.
But deep inside you make no dent on my pain,
you only feed the doubt and hatred.

My insides feel like they are sliced to pieces,
so tender with pain.
It hurts to breathe,
it hurts to feel.
I do my best to make you happy,
but I am dying inside.
Can you see me,
do you care?
Will you enter my world,
.........for me!
Am I worth your time,
am I worth your love?
Am I worth the air I breathe,
or merely an inconvenience in your day.

No Safe place to hide.

The last post was a bit of a mess for which I apologise. I have been without a computer for a few days and have been trying to post on my tablet, with only partial success. But the computer is back to operation mode now, so off we go.
 It has been a rough couple of weeks from a Multiple perspective. Home and family are running pretty well, with no major complaints, but that doesn't mean inside is functioning well. We have had nearly 2 weeks of almost constant arguing and complaining coming from inside. Everything I do, say and wear is wrong. If something goes wrong on the outside then it is always our fault and the nagging voices begin in earnest. It is impossible to have my own thoughts and feelings without them being hijacked by someone else in my brain. There is no peace.
Advice from a friend to tell them to stop, both in calm and angered tones seems to have done nothing but get them more riled up. By lunch time yesterday I was openly yelling at them (in my car) that I had had enough and I don't want to be a multiple any more. I have had enough of the arguing and fighting and everything being my fault. I want to get out of here, I want time alone from everyone inside of here. I want to just spend a day without everyone around me.
 But of course that is not possible. We can not get out of the confines of the brain. We are always together, and we share so many of our thoughts and actions. It is something that gets so annoying. No private thoughts, not private moments when you can just think something through without someone commenting. Not having consistency in the day of who is going to be out, who will be next and will we remember the stuff we need to remember or will I be back out in two or three weeks and no one has done any of the things that needed to be done. It seems so futile to even wish for all these things, and I get so angry. But there is no where to run. No where to get away from everyone inside my head. No safe place to hide.