Trying not to Love you.

I recently saw the tittle of a Nickleback album, and it hit me like a cold slap across the face. 'Trying not to love you'
I realised that I was doing exactly that. Trying NOT to love so many people in my life. Trying not to get to close. Because it will hurt.
Love is one of life's essential components - air, water, food and love. The necessities of life. With out them humans either do not survive. I have seemingly done well with the air, water and food parts of my life. ( although I still fight constantly with the food hate love relationship) But Love...that's a big one. My concept of love I think is not too bad. I know what it looks like when I see it, and I can pick where I don't have it ( generally). I give it liberally to my children, and hope like hell I will receive it from others. It is the one area of my life I feel I have missed out.
As a teen I got involved in the Christian church. Many teens search for meaning and understanding at this age, its nothing new. But I was searching for LOVE. I just needed to know a place where it existed, and in the place that I was in at the time I felt the christian god could give me that. My life has indeed been the search for love. Real, true and unconditional love. It has been quite a journey.
In my late 30's I married a man who for the very first time in my life showed me unconditional love. The first person who I felt accepted me just as I am. People say pets, such as dogs, can also give you unconditional love....but I remain a bit cynical about how truly altruistic that all is.
I feel that generally I am a pretty caring and loving person. Many say I have a mothers heart and naturally take people under my wing and care for them. I know that it is something I find natural to do.
But truly loving some one....letting them inside my darkened walls. Hmmm, now that is a different thing. I have always vowed to let love be my guide and to use it to make my decisions. Truly loving someone means letting them have a piece of you. A piece of the most precious part of you, your heart. If I give you that, you can of course take it and destroy it, or worse still you can take it, love it, I give you more and then you destroy it.
I admit I probably sound a bit jaded by life. Yes I have been through one marriage that ended due to my husband having an affair.
But with all the rest that life has handed out to me as well, I reserve the right to be jaded. Those that should of loved me from the beginning, either didn't or couldn't, and those that did show me love, did it for their own evil means. It is a very hard thing to learn to love and give and share. But most of all to Trust.