I have been struggling the last week or so with stomach ache. Every day it is there and it gets worse whether I eat or don't eat. Even drinking water hurts. I found that by yesterday afternoon I was not even standing up straight as it was too painful. I have been trying to think about what I have been eating lately, we have had Christmas so maybe I have been eating too much junk food. Maybe I am ill and should see the Doctor? Amongst this I had about 24 hours of dizzy spells. They were strange ones though, they only occurred when I was not concentrating on something or if I was lying down with my eyes closed. Once I clued into what was happening it didn't take long for me to figure it out. The dizzy spells are caused by an alter who is trying to communicate something to me. I took some time to myself and started writing in my journal. After half an hour of non stop writing about nothing much in particular and a small nap, the dizzy spells have gone.
The stomach ache is much harder. It is caused by stress. Now given it is holidays and I am really not doing that much each day I am inclined to wonder what is causing me stress. Apparently it doesn't always take much. With the boys home from school and hubby home from work, I am not getting my usual time alone.
We also have two baby cockateels that we are hand feeding, as they keep jumping out of the nest box and mum wont feed them. There is an amazing amount of apricots coming off our tree and that has kept me busy with making jam (my first time) and drying. I have been in far more stress than this in my life, but it seems to be taking hold at the moment. It could be one alter who suffers with it more than others. I am not quite sure.
A friend told me of a great product for helping to make me feel less agitated., It doesn't smell the best but it will decrease the pain to a bearable level. Its called 'Melissa Oil" and you can get it from HERE. It is also good for helping me sleep and for decreasing an anxiety attack when it starts. I recommend it.
For today I am trying not to worry about anything...(not that easy) and to do some fun things I enjoy so as to be a bit more stress free.
31 December, 2011
26 December, 2011
Losing Time
Losing time is when we dissociate to the point where we switch so a different alter is in control and we are not aware or conscious of what is going on while they are in control. After sometime we can switch back. These times can go on for years or moments or anything in between. I have heard stories of multiples who come back from lost time years later to find their life is totally different, as the alter who was in charge all those years changed their life completely. Imagine sitting on the couch watching TV and then seeming to 'come too' in a shopping center and its a week later. You have no idea how you got there or what you have been doing, and the last time you were conscious you were home watching TV. Did you go to work, who has been looking after the kids etc. It is very scary and probably one of the worst part of having DID. But again it is a survival technique for DID.
Earlier on in my Blog I mentioned that I don't lose time, I was wrong. I don't lose a lot of time but I do lose it. I have lost it driving my car. For me it is like suddenly coming out of blackness to reality. It is very scary, but when it happened in my car, I was still driving fine and heading down the road as if nothing had happened. It was not, however, that same piece of road I had been on minutes ago.
It is not uncommon to have someone in a system who will watch what is going on with the body and will help ease the fear and panic after a time loss by showing or telling what has just happened. Therefore making it seem as if time was not really lost at all. Stress can increase times of time loss, triggers are also causes. For some it is very frequent, for others, not so much, but either way it is part of the DID experience.
Earlier on in my Blog I mentioned that I don't lose time, I was wrong. I don't lose a lot of time but I do lose it. I have lost it driving my car. For me it is like suddenly coming out of blackness to reality. It is very scary, but when it happened in my car, I was still driving fine and heading down the road as if nothing had happened. It was not, however, that same piece of road I had been on minutes ago.
It is not uncommon to have someone in a system who will watch what is going on with the body and will help ease the fear and panic after a time loss by showing or telling what has just happened. Therefore making it seem as if time was not really lost at all. Stress can increase times of time loss, triggers are also causes. For some it is very frequent, for others, not so much, but either way it is part of the DID experience.
24 December, 2011
Do we have to remember?
Yesterday we had our Christmas break up for Bridges. It was a casual time with yummy food, to chat and discuss whatever came up. We had much discussion on many topics but one that did come up was the subject of remembering trauma. Is is essential for treatment? This can be especially interesting question for a multiple who does not remember much of the trauma. I have only a very few memories of the trauma, most of the memories are well hidden by my alters.
Question being, do I need to dredge up the memories of the past to heal? Does every alter need to reveal the secrets they hold, in order for me to move on.
There are many trains of thought on this as you can probably imagine. Those that believe that the past is better off left where it is.
Memories are interesting things, and the mind has an amazing ability and desire to protect us. Memories are rarely stored in complete form. By this I mean that a memory may be nothing more than a feeling, or part of an activity. People often don't have faces, or even different faces from what they should. A memory of a traumatic event may be stored with none of the emotion attached with it, so that you can see it but not have any recall of the feelings felt at the time. Memories can often be stored out of sequence. With all of this confusion why even bother with remembering what has happened. Can it be trusted?
Others who of course think that in order to heal we must know what is hidden in the past.
The past certainly affects the future, and seems in a sense logical to know what has happened and to allow the body to heal of the trauma. Trauma can have a very dramatic affect on the body. The body remembers things done to it where there are often not words to express it. A flinch away from a certain touch, a dislike of a type of food. We may not know why we are reacting this way, but the body does and this can last for years. Especially if the trauma is experienced in childhood and no treatment is received. It can become in ground into our behaviour, with no logical reasoning behind it. I have never like people putting their hand on the back of my neck. It creeps me out and I have to get it off immediately. I never really knew why. (I do now!)
Whichever opinion you may have, one thing is thing is seems to be true. When the time is right, and/or the need is there, the memories will resurface. It can be dangerous to force people to remember traumatic events before they are ready. It can traumatize them further, and cause even more problems. It is not uncommon for many child abuse survivors to not remember their abuse at all until their late 30's or 40's. This of course causes a problem if you want to prosecute the abuser, but it is a protection mechanism for the survivor. By this time in life they are often feeling safer and stronger than before, and emotionally better able to deal with what has happened.
In my own case, I knew for years that something had happened to me but I could never remember what. I often searched to internet for ways to open up my memory, I even saw a councilor or two to see if they could help me figure out what had happened to me. Repeatedly the same message came through,"when you are ready you will remember." It was very frustrating, but it is true.
When I hit my 40's, I was in a stable and loving marriage, in a nice home, my children were getting older, and the truth started to reveal itself. Although I wanted to know earlier, I really wasn't ready. I didn't have the support systems I was going to need and I was not emotionally able to deal with the truth.
Remember one thing above all else, human beings are designed to survive and they will do almost anything to make that happen, both physically and mentally. Protecting you is what it is all about. When you are safe, it can relax and let things go, until then, it must protect you from what ever it feels is here to hurt you. As frustrating as it is, be patient, chances are, you are moving at the right pace for you. In time, what needs to be reveled will.
Question being, do I need to dredge up the memories of the past to heal? Does every alter need to reveal the secrets they hold, in order for me to move on.
There are many trains of thought on this as you can probably imagine. Those that believe that the past is better off left where it is.
Memories are interesting things, and the mind has an amazing ability and desire to protect us. Memories are rarely stored in complete form. By this I mean that a memory may be nothing more than a feeling, or part of an activity. People often don't have faces, or even different faces from what they should. A memory of a traumatic event may be stored with none of the emotion attached with it, so that you can see it but not have any recall of the feelings felt at the time. Memories can often be stored out of sequence. With all of this confusion why even bother with remembering what has happened. Can it be trusted?
Others who of course think that in order to heal we must know what is hidden in the past.
The past certainly affects the future, and seems in a sense logical to know what has happened and to allow the body to heal of the trauma. Trauma can have a very dramatic affect on the body. The body remembers things done to it where there are often not words to express it. A flinch away from a certain touch, a dislike of a type of food. We may not know why we are reacting this way, but the body does and this can last for years. Especially if the trauma is experienced in childhood and no treatment is received. It can become in ground into our behaviour, with no logical reasoning behind it. I have never like people putting their hand on the back of my neck. It creeps me out and I have to get it off immediately. I never really knew why. (I do now!)
Whichever opinion you may have, one thing is thing is seems to be true. When the time is right, and/or the need is there, the memories will resurface. It can be dangerous to force people to remember traumatic events before they are ready. It can traumatize them further, and cause even more problems. It is not uncommon for many child abuse survivors to not remember their abuse at all until their late 30's or 40's. This of course causes a problem if you want to prosecute the abuser, but it is a protection mechanism for the survivor. By this time in life they are often feeling safer and stronger than before, and emotionally better able to deal with what has happened.
In my own case, I knew for years that something had happened to me but I could never remember what. I often searched to internet for ways to open up my memory, I even saw a councilor or two to see if they could help me figure out what had happened to me. Repeatedly the same message came through,"when you are ready you will remember." It was very frustrating, but it is true.
When I hit my 40's, I was in a stable and loving marriage, in a nice home, my children were getting older, and the truth started to reveal itself. Although I wanted to know earlier, I really wasn't ready. I didn't have the support systems I was going to need and I was not emotionally able to deal with the truth.
Remember one thing above all else, human beings are designed to survive and they will do almost anything to make that happen, both physically and mentally. Protecting you is what it is all about. When you are safe, it can relax and let things go, until then, it must protect you from what ever it feels is here to hurt you. As frustrating as it is, be patient, chances are, you are moving at the right pace for you. In time, what needs to be reveled will.
22 December, 2011
Flashbacks and Christmas.
Life has held a few challenges for me lately. One of the hardest being flashbacks. You never know when they will occur and how disturbing they will be. There are times when I just want to spend the rest of the day crying in bed.
After some rather upsetting flashbacks the other day, all I could keep saying to my Therapist is "how does someone live through this." How does a child keep going after these things happen to them? I was heart broken, it all seemed too much to bare. Too much for a person, let alone a child to experience.
My therapist told me how I survived, what got me through and to this day I am still not sure it has really clicked together in my head. I survived by dissociating and splitting. Letting other 'people' take the abuse and memories while I got on with life. I guess it sounds so simple and obvious to everyone but strangely not too me. You see, I forget everyone isn't like me. I forget that everyone's brain doesn't work like mine. To me I am normal, this is how all people function. So when I see the trauma, it is amazing that you can live with that and move on.
I may not be making much sense at this time, and I am not sure how to explain it. I guess I was lucky to dissociate and split, it kept me alive and living. Sometimes reality is really hard to comes to terms with.
Its only a few days to Christmas now, and everyone is getting busy. I know that for many people Christmas is a very hard time. While people are getting together with family members, many of us are alone. Many more are spending time with people that they don't feel connected to, or that may even be their abusers. Please, please take care this year. Be kind to your self and do something for yourself. Something you enjoy. Make it a safe Christmas and special in your own way. I will be thinking of you. If you get particularly lonely please send me an email, I would love to hear from you.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and that 2012 is a year of healing and hope for us all.
After some rather upsetting flashbacks the other day, all I could keep saying to my Therapist is "how does someone live through this." How does a child keep going after these things happen to them? I was heart broken, it all seemed too much to bare. Too much for a person, let alone a child to experience.
My therapist told me how I survived, what got me through and to this day I am still not sure it has really clicked together in my head. I survived by dissociating and splitting. Letting other 'people' take the abuse and memories while I got on with life. I guess it sounds so simple and obvious to everyone but strangely not too me. You see, I forget everyone isn't like me. I forget that everyone's brain doesn't work like mine. To me I am normal, this is how all people function. So when I see the trauma, it is amazing that you can live with that and move on.
I may not be making much sense at this time, and I am not sure how to explain it. I guess I was lucky to dissociate and split, it kept me alive and living. Sometimes reality is really hard to comes to terms with.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and that 2012 is a year of healing and hope for us all.
13 December, 2011
What a day!
Throughout my day yesterday it was in my mind and I spent most of the day feeling close to tears. It had answered some questions for me but also created some more. There will be plenty to talk about when I see my Therapist tomorrow.
On top of that, I had troubles with one of my sons who is not making the wisest choices at the moment. I had a very very long week previous to this, trying to get advice on how to deal with his situation. It is one of those nasty ones where he is pretty much grounded from everything until further notice, and he, of course, hates me.
It can take a lot to be stable enough to deal with all this at times. While all my Alters love and accept my boys, not all of them know how to handle a situation that may arise. If things get too heavy and I am having trouble coping, I can (not by choice) switch to Denial who makes the world seem all Roses and Rainbows and truly makes me believe all is fine. Sounds like a nice place to be, and at times it is, but it is not an affective method of parenting. Also not helpful when you have calls to make and people to see. Suddenly all is well and the problem doesn't exist any more. Denial has helped me many times before in just getting through life. When the truth of the abuse comes too close to the surface, she takes over and it becomes merely some strange dream or story I made up, and very quickly and easily forgotten. In reality I should be very grateful for her help. Without her I would never have made it this far. She has made life enjoyable, bearable, manageable. I can believe it is all a bad dream and life really is good and I am truly happy.
To top off my day yesterday, my dog decided to raid the rubbish bin and eat about 6 moldy sandwiches that had been in my sons school bag for at least 3 months. Not a wise move, but then again, when are dogs wise, well mine isn't anyway. Within a few hours she was vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. We drove her down to the nearest emergency pet hospital, where they said she needed to be on a drip over night to help wash the toxins out of her system. They also gave her muscle relaxants to stop the shaking and help her sleep. I picked her up today, paying $850.00 and brought her home. She is totally back to normal and following our chooks around eating their poo. Very gross dog!!
08 December, 2011
Multiples
To those of you who are not multiples, the DID world must seem rather confusing. ( it is confusing for us too) Well her comes some more to confuse you. It is not uncommon for there to be sub groups within a system.
As you know we generally call our group of alters a system or family. I use system. This system can have sub groups which are separated for various reasons and in various ways. If the child suffered trauma over time from different groups of people or in different ways, it is possible for the child to develop different groups of alters to deal with the different dangers they face.
These groups may not be aware of the other groups and there is often no communication between the groups. A multiple can function for years with just one alter being forward, so it is also possible to function for long periods of time with only alter from one group being forward.
That could mean that if you have a DID friend or family member, and you are getting to know some of their alters, that one day the whole group could switch and you are starting again with another lot. The other alters haven't disappeared, they have just gone away for now and another group of alters are dealing with things for now. Yes it is confusing, and yes it is a lot of work to live with and figure out, but once you get a handle on it, it makes so much more sense. Remember, the idea behind DID is to protect the child/person and keep them functioning as well as possible, and not to be detected. Flexibility is the key.
It is common for multiples to be a bit like chameleons, in that we can often change to suite the environment we are in. I have often arrived at an event and stood there totally lost because I don't know who to be. For non multiples you would probably say "just be your self" but for multiples there are many 'selves' we can be and it is not always easy to find the right one to be out at the right time.
As you know we generally call our group of alters a system or family. I use system. This system can have sub groups which are separated for various reasons and in various ways. If the child suffered trauma over time from different groups of people or in different ways, it is possible for the child to develop different groups of alters to deal with the different dangers they face.
These groups may not be aware of the other groups and there is often no communication between the groups. A multiple can function for years with just one alter being forward, so it is also possible to function for long periods of time with only alter from one group being forward.
That could mean that if you have a DID friend or family member, and you are getting to know some of their alters, that one day the whole group could switch and you are starting again with another lot. The other alters haven't disappeared, they have just gone away for now and another group of alters are dealing with things for now. Yes it is confusing, and yes it is a lot of work to live with and figure out, but once you get a handle on it, it makes so much more sense. Remember, the idea behind DID is to protect the child/person and keep them functioning as well as possible, and not to be detected. Flexibility is the key.
It is common for multiples to be a bit like chameleons, in that we can often change to suite the environment we are in. I have often arrived at an event and stood there totally lost because I don't know who to be. For non multiples you would probably say "just be your self" but for multiples there are many 'selves' we can be and it is not always easy to find the right one to be out at the right time.
02 December, 2011
Jaycee Dugard
Just wanted to let everyone know I am feeling much better now. It has taken a bit of work and with a few tears but we are getting there. As is the way with parenting, the job is never over and you spend the rest of their lives worrying about them. At least for now the crisis period is passing and I can breath again. Yay!
I found a book the other day that I have been wanting to read for a while. It is called "A Stolen life" by Jaycee Dugard.
Jaycee is the woman who at 11years old was abducted and held captive for nearly 20years. She has had 2 children to her abuser Phillip Garrido. He is now in prison. Her story is an honest and open depiction of what she suffered at the hands of a very sick individual, yet it is so hopeful and inspiring. Something that really touched me in her book is a bit about hate.
"In my heart I do not hate Phillip. I don't believe in hate. To me it wastes too much time. People who hate waste so much of their life hating that they miss out on all the other stuff out there. I do not choose to live my life that way. What is done is done. I am looking to the future. For the first time in a long time I get to look to the future instead of the present. I have lived one day to next never daring to look ahead. I never knew what was going to happen. If all of my heart was filled up with hate and regrets and what ifs, then what else would it have room for? I wont say every day has been glorious and wonderful, but even on the bad fays I can still say one thing -I am free...free to be the person I want to be...free to say I have my family and now new friends...I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......"
As a survivor of abuse it is so easy to hate those who hurt me. I can not say that I am as well healed as Jaycee is yet, but she truly inspires me to try. My favourite part is where she says .."I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......" I hold on to these words, they give me strength.
Thanks you Jaycee for writing your story, is inspiring.
I highly recommend reading it if you can. There is mention of some of what she went through and I know that can be triggering for some. Please feel free to contact me if you want any further details.
On the road to healing!
I found a book the other day that I have been wanting to read for a while. It is called "A Stolen life" by Jaycee Dugard.
Jaycee is the woman who at 11years old was abducted and held captive for nearly 20years. She has had 2 children to her abuser Phillip Garrido. He is now in prison. Her story is an honest and open depiction of what she suffered at the hands of a very sick individual, yet it is so hopeful and inspiring. Something that really touched me in her book is a bit about hate.
"In my heart I do not hate Phillip. I don't believe in hate. To me it wastes too much time. People who hate waste so much of their life hating that they miss out on all the other stuff out there. I do not choose to live my life that way. What is done is done. I am looking to the future. For the first time in a long time I get to look to the future instead of the present. I have lived one day to next never daring to look ahead. I never knew what was going to happen. If all of my heart was filled up with hate and regrets and what ifs, then what else would it have room for? I wont say every day has been glorious and wonderful, but even on the bad fays I can still say one thing -I am free...free to be the person I want to be...free to say I have my family and now new friends...I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......"
As a survivor of abuse it is so easy to hate those who hurt me. I can not say that I am as well healed as Jaycee is yet, but she truly inspires me to try. My favourite part is where she says .."I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......" I hold on to these words, they give me strength.
Thanks you Jaycee for writing your story, is inspiring.
I highly recommend reading it if you can. There is mention of some of what she went through and I know that can be triggering for some. Please feel free to contact me if you want any further details.
On the road to healing!
29 November, 2011
Stronger
Its funny you know, I had naively thought that as I take the time off work this year to help me process what has and is happening to me, and that I would be able to really dedicate time to me. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot more time for me and my self care. But life doesn't stop for you to get better. We have 5 boys, only 3 of them live with us. They are teenagers, and as you may be aware it is not an easy time, for them or us. We have had a hard year with one of the boys in particular and I was just starting to feel like the trouble had passed and we were on our way....silly me. I will not go into details but it seems I must put my work on the back burner.
I guess this is the ultimate advantage to DID is that by the very nature of the disorder we are strong and able to cope with a lot. But I am also tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of dealing with the nasty side of life. Tired of fighting every day. Its not easy living with DID. One wrong move and I can end up in an anxiety attack and voices in my head telling me how useless I am. Sleep is a constant struggle to get, and I feel like I am a drain on my family and friends.
I know I will get through this, and I will fight to the death for my son.
But I just wish I didn't have to. I just wish that for the smallest while it would be easy. Just for now.
I guess this is the ultimate advantage to DID is that by the very nature of the disorder we are strong and able to cope with a lot. But I am also tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of dealing with the nasty side of life. Tired of fighting every day. Its not easy living with DID. One wrong move and I can end up in an anxiety attack and voices in my head telling me how useless I am. Sleep is a constant struggle to get, and I feel like I am a drain on my family and friends.
I know I will get through this, and I will fight to the death for my son.
But I just wish I didn't have to. I just wish that for the smallest while it would be easy. Just for now.
27 November, 2011
DID isn't all bad!
I found this on the internet at this site:
http://shadowlight8.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/
I thought it is good for a laugh.
Also a joke from the same site:
http://shadowlight8.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/
I thought it is good for a laugh.
Also a joke from the same site:
How many alters does it take to change a light bulb?
January 20, 2010 — shadowlight and co As many as will: one to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the light bulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, four to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stockings, licorice, Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one who insists it “IS” the light bulb and doesn’t understand why everyone always wants it to change and can’t it just be itself????26 November, 2011
Chickens
The chickens were named by 2 of our sons. This one is called Dahvie, after one of the members from the group Blood on the Dance floor.
This Chicken is called Wolfy, after, well, a wolf! Troy is obsessed with wolves at the moment, so now we have a wolf chicken.
Maybe not!!
This is my Dog "Babe". she is not the smartest dog in the park but she is very very loving. At the moment she is obsessed with the chickens and cant wait to see what they are doing in the morning. The other morning she woke me up, scratching at my bedroom door. I thought she wanted to go out to the toilet (yes she is spoiled enough to sleep inside the house) so I let her out. It turns out she just wanted to see what to chickens were doing....as you can imagine I was so very excited to get woken up to watch the chickens!!
All in all it is fun and I am glad we have them now. Cluck Cluck!
25 November, 2011
Hope
The last 2 weeks have been very hard. I have had a lot of voices in my head and anxiety. I have also dealt with quite a bit of depression. Most days I have had to force myself to get up and moving. I have really felt low and hopeless. My internal system was not happy and I couldn't work out why.
One of the biggest problems I face is lack of sleep. Getting to sleep is always the hard part. Being awake at 2 or 3 in the morning is not uncommon and having to be up at 7am to get the kids off to school makes it all the more difficult to function. I am trying my hardest to not give into the pull to become nocturnal, it doesn't work well with the family and it is not good for long term health. I don't like using medication to help with such things. They have a bad reputation for nasty side affects including drowsiness the next day. I have found a natural alternative though, and it seems to be working a treat. The one I use is apparently only supposed to be available from a health care professional. I got it from my local health food store. There are quite a few out there so I highly recommend heading to the local health store to see what you can find if you suffer with insomnia too.
On Wednesday I saw my Therapist and thankfully we found some answers. Apparently, just because I feel OK with working on reconciling with someone, doesn't mean everyone inside is OK with it too. Everything is so much more complicated than expected. Now of course my therapist would say it is some part of me that is not ready and that makes sense, but I felt like I was doing the right thing. Hopefully I will be better able to deal with future eppisodes now that I have a heads up on how much we (alters) must truely work together.
We also did something interesting on Wednesday on my session, system mapping. Basically it is writing down who and what we know bout my system (alters) and how they function. Who knows how, who likes who, and what functions they have in the group. It is something I had been working on by myself in the previous week so it was great timing. It was also very interesting. Elaine (my Therapist) had of course been taking notes of who she had met and what I have been telling her over the year. Elaine had quite a comprehensive list. I added to that with other info I had gained and then we put it all up on the white board. Each alter was represented by a circle and where we put them on the board depended on if they knew other alters or were friends with them. I learned a lot about how my system works. By the end I was feeling much better and far more relaxed.
Some days it all just seems too hard to go on. I hate that my life is like this, I hate that I cant live like everyone else. I hate that someone had to power to make my life this way. I hate that so much of my time is spent fighting just to survive. And then I have days like the last 2 days and I can feel the sunshine and laugh with my friends. It all doesn't seem so bad.
When I was 8years old I had had enough of this life and wanted it to end. I went into our cubby house and tried to think about how I could deal with it all. After a long time I came to the conclusion that everyone had to have a good time on their life otherwise what was the point to it all. I decided that I was going to hang on to see my good life. I didn't want to miss out on it. As I got older and life didn't necessarily get better I held on to the that thought. Even now I hang on to the hope that it will all get better and life will be fun. Don't get me wrong I do have a great life now, great husband, great kids, nice house, and great friends, but now I am also dealing with the aftermath of what happened all those years ago.
HOPE, what we need to keep going..
On Wednesday I saw my Therapist and thankfully we found some answers. Apparently, just because I feel OK with working on reconciling with someone, doesn't mean everyone inside is OK with it too. Everything is so much more complicated than expected. Now of course my therapist would say it is some part of me that is not ready and that makes sense, but I felt like I was doing the right thing. Hopefully I will be better able to deal with future eppisodes now that I have a heads up on how much we (alters) must truely work together.
Some days it all just seems too hard to go on. I hate that my life is like this, I hate that I cant live like everyone else. I hate that someone had to power to make my life this way. I hate that so much of my time is spent fighting just to survive. And then I have days like the last 2 days and I can feel the sunshine and laugh with my friends. It all doesn't seem so bad.
When I was 8years old I had had enough of this life and wanted it to end. I went into our cubby house and tried to think about how I could deal with it all. After a long time I came to the conclusion that everyone had to have a good time on their life otherwise what was the point to it all. I decided that I was going to hang on to see my good life. I didn't want to miss out on it. As I got older and life didn't necessarily get better I held on to the that thought. Even now I hang on to the hope that it will all get better and life will be fun. Don't get me wrong I do have a great life now, great husband, great kids, nice house, and great friends, but now I am also dealing with the aftermath of what happened all those years ago.
HOPE, what we need to keep going..
19 November, 2011
Twilight
18 November, 2011
Broken
I can't say today has been much better than yesterday really. Maybe not as much dissociation as I was experiencing yesterday. I have been grumpy and not a joy to be with. There has been a lot of anger and emotions inside. I have dealt with most of it by writing, mostly just words that came into my mind. Here are a few.
Broken,
I want to be
Together,
Not broken,
Not separate,
Not alone,
Not hurt,
Not me,
Not broken.
I am looking forward to tomorrow though. I am taking my son to see the new Twilight movie 'Breaking Dawn'.
Yes I know many will think I am mad, but I really do love them. Maybe it is the younger alters in me, maybe it is the romantic, I don't know. I do know that for those few hours I can escape into a world where DID doesn't exist and I can pretend to be lost in a world of romance and fantasy. For those of you who like Twilight too, I am definitely "team Jacob"!! OMG!!
Broken,
I want to be
Together,
Not broken,
Not separate,
Not alone,
Not hurt,
Not me,
Not broken.
I am looking forward to tomorrow though. I am taking my son to see the new Twilight movie 'Breaking Dawn'.
17 November, 2011
a day with DID
I've been having a few rough days lately. Lack of sleep is not helping. I am getting woken up about 2 seconds after I fall asleep by alter/s who want to stay up and watch TV. I am that tired that I will fall straight back to sleep only to be woken up straight away. I have found it really hard to take. The night before last I didn't get to sleep until about 5am. I need my beauty sleep, and lack of sleep only makes dealing with the alters that much harder. I slept well last night, but didn't have a great day today. I have had lots of switching today and dissociation. I have had trouble staying in the here and now. I am still not sure what is causing it, I have however found one thing that just about every time helps to make it better. My son Joe. As soon as he got into the car today after school, I heard the alters say "we need to get it together for him" and since then I have been much better. Time and again spending time with Joe will make me feel better. I must admit he is an awesome young man (not that I am biased of course. lol) and everyone in my system likes him. They will opening say how much they love him. Obviously there is an understanding within my system that we have to function well for Joe. I am glad to have this but the weeks that Joe is not here I am a bit stuck.
I am a bit tired of this journey and frustrated by the lack of development we are having. I want to be further along, it seems to take so long to achieve the smallest things. I want to gain an understanding of who is there and what they do. Some form of effective communication would also help. feeling a bit down really. Not a good day with DID.
I am a bit tired of this journey and frustrated by the lack of development we are having. I want to be further along, it seems to take so long to achieve the smallest things. I want to gain an understanding of who is there and what they do. Some form of effective communication would also help. feeling a bit down really. Not a good day with DID.
13 November, 2011
Vegan Festival
Today I decided to do something a little different. I have a friend who is a Vegan and there was a festival today in Adelaide for vegans. My knowledge and interest in the vegan lifestyle has increase through knowing him. Rather than spend another sunday at home doing jobs, I met some friends at the festival. It was a great day. The sun was shining, there was good food and great bands. We Looked around at all the stalls and I learned quite a bit about Vegan food, lifestyle and animal rights. We then spent a few hours sitting under a tree listening to some great bands. It was a great day and not something I often do. It was a chance to sit and relax just for the pure entertainment of it. I am glad I made the time to go.
Driving into the city was not so easy though. It was made very clear to me that not all my alters were keen on the idea of going to a place where there would be lots of people. It is not something I usually do. I am not one for crowds and try to avoid them as much as possible, but I felt fairly sure there wouldn't be that many people there and we could cope. As it turned out I was right and it was a nice size group of people, and lots of open space if we needed it, but it took me most of the drive in there to comfort and convince one or more of my little alters that it would all be OK. The joys of being a multiple.
Driving into the city was not so easy though. It was made very clear to me that not all my alters were keen on the idea of going to a place where there would be lots of people. It is not something I usually do. I am not one for crowds and try to avoid them as much as possible, but I felt fairly sure there wouldn't be that many people there and we could cope. As it turned out I was right and it was a nice size group of people, and lots of open space if we needed it, but it took me most of the drive in there to comfort and convince one or more of my little alters that it would all be OK. The joys of being a multiple.
10 November, 2011
DID Source Book.
I have been a bit quiet the last few days and really haven't felt like I have had much to post. I got up this morning and started some reading and now feel quite inspired. More about that later.
Yesterday was my session with my Therapist. It was our first 2hour session and it went really well. I was glad for the extra time as we covered much more content and managed to get right into a topic. By the time I left her office I felt like we had really go to the core on a couple of issues. Always a nice feeling.
I have found in the past that if I leave her office and head home I don't get a chance to really digest and process what we talked about. As soon as I walk in the front door at home my brain switches into mum mode and I start to think about what has to be done around the house. A friend suggested a walk on the beach after a session to have time to process. So yesterday I headed to the beach. It is only about 1mins drive from her office so it is very convenient.
Once I started walking and thinking and talking to myself and alters, I realized how relaxing and helpful it is. It was such a beautiful day, 26C, clear blue sky, and a light southern breeze. Heaven! I was kicking my self a bit. I love the beach but never make time to go there. I made up for it a bit yesterday. I spent about 2 hours wandering around, having a wonderful time. Of course not being prepared, I didn't put on sun block, so I now have a very nasty sun burn. Lesson learned, next time keep hat and sun block in the car. I highly recommend taking time out of your schedule after therapy sessions for you to process the work you have just done. By the time I got home yesterday afternoon, I felt happy and relaxed. A big improvement on previous therapy days. We are worth the effort and that house work or jobs can wait another hour or two.
Now for my reading.....I have started reading The Dissociative Identity Disorder Source book By Deborah Bray Haddock. I am only up to page 13, but I am amazed how good it is. The book was recommended to me by a couple of people so I borrowed it from my survivors group library. This book is too awesome to borrow, I am going to have to buy one so that I can underline all the great stuff in it. If you have just been diagnosed or are just wanting to get some great information on DID, it is a must have.
I will quote the first passage that got my attention this morning:
"Most of the characteristics associated with DID can be hidden from others fairly successfully. Granted a DID friend or client might appear to be depressed , but how many other people have we all encountered who are depressed? Typically, someone with DID presents as moody or even a bit eccentric, but rarely grossly abnormal."
Rarely grossly abnormal....I love that part. I am looking forward to reading more of this book. I expect there will be much more up here on it over the coming weeks.
Yesterday was my session with my Therapist. It was our first 2hour session and it went really well. I was glad for the extra time as we covered much more content and managed to get right into a topic. By the time I left her office I felt like we had really go to the core on a couple of issues. Always a nice feeling.
I have found in the past that if I leave her office and head home I don't get a chance to really digest and process what we talked about. As soon as I walk in the front door at home my brain switches into mum mode and I start to think about what has to be done around the house. A friend suggested a walk on the beach after a session to have time to process. So yesterday I headed to the beach. It is only about 1mins drive from her office so it is very convenient.
Now for my reading.....I have started reading The Dissociative Identity Disorder Source book By Deborah Bray Haddock. I am only up to page 13, but I am amazed how good it is. The book was recommended to me by a couple of people so I borrowed it from my survivors group library. This book is too awesome to borrow, I am going to have to buy one so that I can underline all the great stuff in it. If you have just been diagnosed or are just wanting to get some great information on DID, it is a must have.
I will quote the first passage that got my attention this morning:
"Most of the characteristics associated with DID can be hidden from others fairly successfully. Granted a DID friend or client might appear to be depressed , but how many other people have we all encountered who are depressed? Typically, someone with DID presents as moody or even a bit eccentric, but rarely grossly abnormal."
Rarely grossly abnormal....I love that part. I am looking forward to reading more of this book. I expect there will be much more up here on it over the coming weeks.
06 November, 2011
Movie Reviews
This is not what I thought I would be putting on this site, but I thought I would give a brief review of what I thought of the movies I mentioned in my last post. I will do my best not to spoil the ending in anyway. I think that we could argue forever the factual content of the movies, and whether they help or damage the public's view of DID. Definitely some are better than others.
Me, Myself and Irene: As I said before I am not a Jim Carrey fan. The movie is obviously a comedy and not intended to be in any way factual. They referred to him as having schizophrenia, although of course, he did not.
If you like his films you will probably love it but from a DID point of view, I wouldn't waste my time.
Colour of Night: Staring Bruce Willis. (Rated R, Erotic) Improving on the content but I still really wasn't terribly impressed. Again, ok to watch, and does keep you thinking for a bit, but nothing too in depth in regards to DID.
Primal Fear: Staring Richard Gere as a top notch defense attorney. I enjoyed this one more and it had more content. Classified as a Thriller and I like it. Enough DID content to make it interesting.
Never Talk to Strangers: a Psychological Thriller (my favourite movies) and this one definitely lives up to my expectations. Good concept and keeps you guessing for most of the movie. Much more informative and has some good information.
Quote from the movie: "Multiple Personality Disorder cannot easily be faked. The creation of the multiple personalities can always be traced back to childhood trauma often involving violent sexual abuse. Sub consciously the child creates other personalities that share the burden, the literally unbearable burden of shame, the repressed memory of the childhood events. These personalities often turn against the creator sometimes inflicting actual bodily harm"
Identity: (Thriller) My favouite of the 5 I hired. Someone has put a lot of thought into the concept and how it works out. I remember watching it once before a few years ago, well before my diagnosis, and not being able to get my head around it and thinking it all a bit strange. Now of course I understand. Well worth a watch, I am watching it for the 3rd time. Keeps your mind involved trying to figure it all out. My favourite quote from the movie:
"When I was going up the stairs, I met a man who wasn't there, he wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away"
There are a few instances in the movies where they say 'Dis-association" instead if Dissociation, and Multiple Personality Syndrome, so a little frustrating they couldn't get that right.
All in all I enjoyed the 'research'.
There is one obvious theme through the movies. Can a person with DID be held accountable for the actions of an alter. I am not really surprised that this is what people are curious about, after all, it sounds the perfect way to commit a crime and get away with it. Those of us with DID know that there is so much more to who we are, and most of us are not violent to others. Yes, self harm is often a problem with multiples and it can take years and years of hard work to beat.
Ultimately I think there is no wonder people don't really know how to take us, if this is what they see and know about DID. People with DID are seen as crazy, often violent and dangerous. There is a lot of information we need to share to educate the public.
Me, Myself and Irene: As I said before I am not a Jim Carrey fan. The movie is obviously a comedy and not intended to be in any way factual. They referred to him as having schizophrenia, although of course, he did not.
If you like his films you will probably love it but from a DID point of view, I wouldn't waste my time.
Colour of Night: Staring Bruce Willis. (Rated R, Erotic) Improving on the content but I still really wasn't terribly impressed. Again, ok to watch, and does keep you thinking for a bit, but nothing too in depth in regards to DID.
Primal Fear: Staring Richard Gere as a top notch defense attorney. I enjoyed this one more and it had more content. Classified as a Thriller and I like it. Enough DID content to make it interesting.
Never Talk to Strangers: a Psychological Thriller (my favourite movies) and this one definitely lives up to my expectations. Good concept and keeps you guessing for most of the movie. Much more informative and has some good information.
Quote from the movie: "Multiple Personality Disorder cannot easily be faked. The creation of the multiple personalities can always be traced back to childhood trauma often involving violent sexual abuse. Sub consciously the child creates other personalities that share the burden, the literally unbearable burden of shame, the repressed memory of the childhood events. These personalities often turn against the creator sometimes inflicting actual bodily harm"
Identity: (Thriller) My favouite of the 5 I hired. Someone has put a lot of thought into the concept and how it works out. I remember watching it once before a few years ago, well before my diagnosis, and not being able to get my head around it and thinking it all a bit strange. Now of course I understand. Well worth a watch, I am watching it for the 3rd time. Keeps your mind involved trying to figure it all out. My favourite quote from the movie:
"When I was going up the stairs, I met a man who wasn't there, he wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away"
There are a few instances in the movies where they say 'Dis-association" instead if Dissociation, and Multiple Personality Syndrome, so a little frustrating they couldn't get that right.
All in all I enjoyed the 'research'.
There is one obvious theme through the movies. Can a person with DID be held accountable for the actions of an alter. I am not really surprised that this is what people are curious about, after all, it sounds the perfect way to commit a crime and get away with it. Those of us with DID know that there is so much more to who we are, and most of us are not violent to others. Yes, self harm is often a problem with multiples and it can take years and years of hard work to beat.
Ultimately I think there is no wonder people don't really know how to take us, if this is what they see and know about DID. People with DID are seen as crazy, often violent and dangerous. There is a lot of information we need to share to educate the public.
03 November, 2011
Resources
I know that resources for those of us with DID are scarce so I thought I would share what I have found so far.
One of the first sites I found is Fort Refuge. It is a Community for survivors of abuse, not just Child abuse but all forms. They have forums where you can post comments or ideas, chat rooms, and further resource information. There are many sections for different Survivors including DID. I highly recommend heading in for a look. It can be a great online community.
Another site I have found but not spent too much time in is T.A.S.D.D. This stands for Therapeutic Alliance for the Recovery from Dissociative Disorders. There motto is "Breaking down the isolation and silence".
Ivory Garden DID support Group
Leah Peterson: Flawed but Authentic
Some blogs of interest are:
Seeing Through Multiple Eyes
Dissociative Living
Integration from the Sidran Institute
Blooming Lotus
and my favourite, Holding my childhood to ransom
I hope some of these sites are helpful for you. I have not spend much time on some of them so cannot guarantee how accurate they are, but they may be worth a look.
I recently also found a list of movies supposedly about people with DID. Now keep in mind they are what Hollywood considers entertaining, not necessarily factual. But it may be fun to have a watch of some of them and get an idea of how we are portrayed in the media. I managed to hire 5 of them on DVD. It was interesting to talk to the Sales person at the DVD store when I said the 5 movies I had chosen all had a theme. He couldn't pick it, and when I told him he said something about them all being Sckitzo!! Hmm not really helpful but I guess I got a picture of how ill informed most people are.
Any way here they are:
Trilogy of Fear: Millicent and Therese ( found it on Youtube)
Secret Window, 2004
Colour of Night, staring Bruce Willis, 1994 (R)
Primal Fear, 1996
Shattered Mind, 1996
Never Talk to Strangers, 1995
Identity, 2003
Me, Myself and Irene, Starring Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger
The Ward, 2010
So far I have watched Trilogy of fear and Me, myself and Irene. My husband watched Me, myself and Irene with me and interestingly said if he hadn't known before he watched it he would never have picked DID. It was not my favourite movie, but I am not really a big Jim Carrey fan.
Well I hope you find some of this information interesting and or helpful. Have some fun and enjoy today. It is gong to be a beautiful sunny day here in South Australia so I intend to make the most of it.
Please keep me informed on what you watched and like and what sites you found helpful. If you know of any other great resources please let me know so we can share them with others out there.
I nearly forgot the best resource I have found ever!!!!! If you are blessed to live in Adelaide, South Australia, of even anywhere in Australia and traveling to Adelaide at some time, please check out our amazing BRIDGES group.
This is a group for people with Dissociative Disorders. We meet every Friday at 1.30pm to 3pm at MIFSA (the Mental Illness Fellowship of South Australia) 5 Cooke Tce, Wayville, SA.
Because of the disorders the group deals with it is NOT open for onlookers. If your have a dissociative disorder of any kind you are most welcome to come.
Well that's enough rambling from me now, have a great day and keep in touch.
One of the first sites I found is Fort Refuge. It is a Community for survivors of abuse, not just Child abuse but all forms. They have forums where you can post comments or ideas, chat rooms, and further resource information. There are many sections for different Survivors including DID. I highly recommend heading in for a look. It can be a great online community.
Another site I have found but not spent too much time in is T.A.S.D.D. This stands for Therapeutic Alliance for the Recovery from Dissociative Disorders. There motto is "Breaking down the isolation and silence".
Ivory Garden DID support Group
Leah Peterson: Flawed but Authentic
Some blogs of interest are:
Seeing Through Multiple Eyes
Dissociative Living
Integration from the Sidran Institute
Blooming Lotus
and my favourite, Holding my childhood to ransom
I hope some of these sites are helpful for you. I have not spend much time on some of them so cannot guarantee how accurate they are, but they may be worth a look.
I recently also found a list of movies supposedly about people with DID. Now keep in mind they are what Hollywood considers entertaining, not necessarily factual. But it may be fun to have a watch of some of them and get an idea of how we are portrayed in the media. I managed to hire 5 of them on DVD. It was interesting to talk to the Sales person at the DVD store when I said the 5 movies I had chosen all had a theme. He couldn't pick it, and when I told him he said something about them all being Sckitzo!! Hmm not really helpful but I guess I got a picture of how ill informed most people are.
Any way here they are:
Trilogy of Fear: Millicent and Therese ( found it on Youtube)
Secret Window, 2004
Colour of Night, staring Bruce Willis, 1994 (R)
Primal Fear, 1996
Shattered Mind, 1996
Never Talk to Strangers, 1995
Identity, 2003
Me, Myself and Irene, Starring Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger
The Ward, 2010
So far I have watched Trilogy of fear and Me, myself and Irene. My husband watched Me, myself and Irene with me and interestingly said if he hadn't known before he watched it he would never have picked DID. It was not my favourite movie, but I am not really a big Jim Carrey fan.
Well I hope you find some of this information interesting and or helpful. Have some fun and enjoy today. It is gong to be a beautiful sunny day here in South Australia so I intend to make the most of it.
Please keep me informed on what you watched and like and what sites you found helpful. If you know of any other great resources please let me know so we can share them with others out there.
I nearly forgot the best resource I have found ever!!!!! If you are blessed to live in Adelaide, South Australia, of even anywhere in Australia and traveling to Adelaide at some time, please check out our amazing BRIDGES group.
This is a group for people with Dissociative Disorders. We meet every Friday at 1.30pm to 3pm at MIFSA (the Mental Illness Fellowship of South Australia) 5 Cooke Tce, Wayville, SA.
Because of the disorders the group deals with it is NOT open for onlookers. If your have a dissociative disorder of any kind you are most welcome to come.
Well that's enough rambling from me now, have a great day and keep in touch.
02 November, 2011
Dreams
Dreams as defined by Wikipedia are:
successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.[1] The content and purpose of dreams are not definitively understood, though they have been a topic of scientific speculation, philosophical intrigue and religious interest throughout recorded history.
Research shows that we all dream during sleep, but of course not all of us remember them in the morning. Dreams are often considered a way for the subconscious part of the brain to process the days events.
I imagine that none of this information is new to you, me either, until Friday at Bridges (DID support group).
I have wondered and felt for a while that maybe it is Alters, in the case of Multiples, who often communicate to me during dreams. In the morning I almost always remember my dreams and I find that if a dream has a particular strength to it I will not be allowed to forget it. My alters will keep reminding me of it and replaying pieces of it throughout my day until I get the message.
This topic was brought up in Bridges, and we were all very surprised to see that it is common to all of the Multiples there. We all spoke of similar experiences and were all sure that our alters talk to us through our dreams. What amazed us is that we had never really considered it before.
Since this revelation I have taken the time in the morning when I wake up from a dream, to lay there and try to
summarize the dream, and understand the main points. When I get it right I am able to 'hear' what my alters are trying to say and take action if needed. Sometimes just listening is all they need me to do. Through this I have found a wonderful door has opened up to communication.
Many of us experience reoccurring dreams, or dreams with a reoccurring theme. This has often left me confused as to what is meant by it. For me a common dream is the ocean crossing over a road or path I am trying to take. The ocean may have sharks or even whales in it, but it is always blocking my path.
About the time I started Therapy I had several dreams about the end of the world. They were very frightening and left me shaken when I woke up. I guess in a sense it was the end of a world. Not sure I really understood it then but it makes more sense now.
Although I have not managed to really understand some of these dreams, have been told by a friend that if I paint or draw a picture of what is happening in the dreams it may stop them reoccurring. I haven't as yet done it but I intend to soon.
None of us at Bridges, nor my Therapist could remember any research done on DID and dreams. It is an amazing topic.
I would love to hear from you if you have DID and have experienced anything like this. Or if you know of any other topics we can share.
successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.[1] The content and purpose of dreams are not definitively understood, though they have been a topic of scientific speculation, philosophical intrigue and religious interest throughout recorded history.
Research shows that we all dream during sleep, but of course not all of us remember them in the morning. Dreams are often considered a way for the subconscious part of the brain to process the days events.
I imagine that none of this information is new to you, me either, until Friday at Bridges (DID support group).
I have wondered and felt for a while that maybe it is Alters, in the case of Multiples, who often communicate to me during dreams. In the morning I almost always remember my dreams and I find that if a dream has a particular strength to it I will not be allowed to forget it. My alters will keep reminding me of it and replaying pieces of it throughout my day until I get the message.
This topic was brought up in Bridges, and we were all very surprised to see that it is common to all of the Multiples there. We all spoke of similar experiences and were all sure that our alters talk to us through our dreams. What amazed us is that we had never really considered it before.
Since this revelation I have taken the time in the morning when I wake up from a dream, to lay there and try to
summarize the dream, and understand the main points. When I get it right I am able to 'hear' what my alters are trying to say and take action if needed. Sometimes just listening is all they need me to do. Through this I have found a wonderful door has opened up to communication.
Many of us experience reoccurring dreams, or dreams with a reoccurring theme. This has often left me confused as to what is meant by it. For me a common dream is the ocean crossing over a road or path I am trying to take. The ocean may have sharks or even whales in it, but it is always blocking my path.
About the time I started Therapy I had several dreams about the end of the world. They were very frightening and left me shaken when I woke up. I guess in a sense it was the end of a world. Not sure I really understood it then but it makes more sense now.
Although I have not managed to really understand some of these dreams, have been told by a friend that if I paint or draw a picture of what is happening in the dreams it may stop them reoccurring. I haven't as yet done it but I intend to soon.
None of us at Bridges, nor my Therapist could remember any research done on DID and dreams. It is an amazing topic.
I would love to hear from you if you have DID and have experienced anything like this. Or if you know of any other topics we can share.
01 November, 2011
Put it down!!!
Hi there,
I have been learning a big lesson over this last week or so.
Like most people I guess, when I am diagnosed with a condition I like to spend as much time as I can learning as much about it as possible. This goes for my DID too. I have spent the last few months scouring the internet and reading books to find out as much as I can. It as all been very informative and combined with talking to other DIDers, my knowledge has grown immensely. I feel much more comfortable and aware if what is happening to me than I did several months ago.
But in my desire for knowledge and my need to go from one book to another I forgot one very important point. Early in my journey after diagnosis I had a wonderful chat to two alters on an internet forum. They were quite happy to answer any questions I had to ask. After picking their brains about life on the inside, one of them gave me some great advise. He said that it is great to ask all these questions of others but everyone's system is different and not to presume mine is the same as anyone else's. What was most important was to get to know my own system.
Of course that sent me on a mission to get to know my system. You may have realized where I am going with all this. DESPERATELY studying and listening and looking for answers but not doing the one thing I really needed to get where I want to be.
My final wake up call came from a friend of mine the other day. She said that life can become one big illness and we can forget to get on with enjoying life. Sure spend time learning but just as importantly PUT DOWN the time of searching and studying, and rest. Make sometime for fun, have a break between books on the subject. Life is not just about the disorder, life is about many other things too and it is important to make time for "NORMAL" life activities.
So if you are like me and often charge headlong into sorting yourself out, take some time. Put down the disorder or disease for a while and remember who you are as a whole person.
Since taking this advice I have noticed I am hearing my alters much better and there is much more peace in my head. Who would have thought, by not doing it I was doing it. lol
Tomorrow I want to share with you a revelation from Bridges group.
Take care and put it down!!!
I have been learning a big lesson over this last week or so.
Like most people I guess, when I am diagnosed with a condition I like to spend as much time as I can learning as much about it as possible. This goes for my DID too. I have spent the last few months scouring the internet and reading books to find out as much as I can. It as all been very informative and combined with talking to other DIDers, my knowledge has grown immensely. I feel much more comfortable and aware if what is happening to me than I did several months ago.
But in my desire for knowledge and my need to go from one book to another I forgot one very important point. Early in my journey after diagnosis I had a wonderful chat to two alters on an internet forum. They were quite happy to answer any questions I had to ask. After picking their brains about life on the inside, one of them gave me some great advise. He said that it is great to ask all these questions of others but everyone's system is different and not to presume mine is the same as anyone else's. What was most important was to get to know my own system.
Of course that sent me on a mission to get to know my system. You may have realized where I am going with all this. DESPERATELY studying and listening and looking for answers but not doing the one thing I really needed to get where I want to be.
My final wake up call came from a friend of mine the other day. She said that life can become one big illness and we can forget to get on with enjoying life. Sure spend time learning but just as importantly PUT DOWN the time of searching and studying, and rest. Make sometime for fun, have a break between books on the subject. Life is not just about the disorder, life is about many other things too and it is important to make time for "NORMAL" life activities.
So if you are like me and often charge headlong into sorting yourself out, take some time. Put down the disorder or disease for a while and remember who you are as a whole person.
Since taking this advice I have noticed I am hearing my alters much better and there is much more peace in my head. Who would have thought, by not doing it I was doing it. lol
Tomorrow I want to share with you a revelation from Bridges group.
Take care and put it down!!!
30 October, 2011
How does it all work in there?
Hi every one,
I haven't posted in a while, life has been a bit busy. I have had quite the social life, which is great. On top of that I have also lost a couple of days to Anxiety attacks, no fun at all. This week is looking to be a bit of a quieter week so hopefully I can catch up on a bit of blogging and share some of the great things I have been learning on this crazy journey.
As I may have mentioned previously I have a 13year old son who is very curious about my disorder, and asks me many questions about what it is like and how it works. During on of your deep chats about DID he asked me how all the Alters work together and change around. How do they function. I came up with an analogy that I think works pretty well and want to share it here so it may help others to get a better grasp of how a DID brain can work.
Imagine a Combi Van, grab a handful of people and put them in the van. One of those people will drive the van, one may sit next to them. The passenger may just watch where they are going of maybe give directions. They may even pull the steering wheel to try and get the driver to go where they want. The rest of the people are in the back of the van. depending on where they are sitting and if the can see out the windows they may or may not be aware of what is going on and where they are going. They may yell to the driver to go somewhere or slow down. Then right at the back of the van, you may have one or two fast asleep totally unaware of what is happening and where they are going. There may not really even be aware that there are others in the van. At various times throughout life's journey different people may want to drive, or have a greater say in what they do or where they go. They may chose to swap seats with the driver and the driver may be tired and go have asleep at the back.
I am sure you are getting the picture. The Combi van is obviously the mind/body and the people are the Alters. Depending on what is happening they may be relaxing at the back, or acting like kids in the back of the car. All wanting their voice to be heard on what they think should be happening.
It can get pretty noisy in there and chaotic, and good luck to the driver with all that going on. Not everyone with DID hears all the chaos but I think this is a pretty good description of how my situation works and from what I hear form others, it suits them too.
I hope that has given you a better understanding of how we work.
If you have DID and have any other analogies please share them here. I would love to hear your ideas.
I haven't posted in a while, life has been a bit busy. I have had quite the social life, which is great. On top of that I have also lost a couple of days to Anxiety attacks, no fun at all. This week is looking to be a bit of a quieter week so hopefully I can catch up on a bit of blogging and share some of the great things I have been learning on this crazy journey.
As I may have mentioned previously I have a 13year old son who is very curious about my disorder, and asks me many questions about what it is like and how it works. During on of your deep chats about DID he asked me how all the Alters work together and change around. How do they function. I came up with an analogy that I think works pretty well and want to share it here so it may help others to get a better grasp of how a DID brain can work.
I am sure you are getting the picture. The Combi van is obviously the mind/body and the people are the Alters. Depending on what is happening they may be relaxing at the back, or acting like kids in the back of the car. All wanting their voice to be heard on what they think should be happening.
It can get pretty noisy in there and chaotic, and good luck to the driver with all that going on. Not everyone with DID hears all the chaos but I think this is a pretty good description of how my situation works and from what I hear form others, it suits them too.
I hope that has given you a better understanding of how we work.
If you have DID and have any other analogies please share them here. I would love to hear your ideas.
19 October, 2011
Parental Denial
I was commenting the other day at Bridges about how when we disclose our diagnosis to friends and family, particularly family, their response is often some what deflating. Sometimes they take it like it is a weather report. "Hmm that's not good dear!" Subsequent updates on our progress can often deliver the same response. This can of course be a little disappointing when we are expecting our family to be there for us and understanding.
It seems this is often a common response from family and after exchanging a few of our own experiences with each other we concluded that maybe it was a case of parental denial.
What parent wants to accept that their child is ill or has been abused. Its not easy to take. Maybe they too are struggling to deal with their own denial. Maybe they have hidden their suspicions for years and just hoped they were wrong. I guarantee most parents feel at least some level of guilt for in some way allowing this to happen.
As I mentioned in my previous post, denial must be tacked slowly and when the person is ready. I know we may need or want their support right away, but maybe they need some time to come to grips with what has happened too. There may be a rare few who really just don't care, but I would say most would be now wondering to some to degree or another..what do I do now?
It seems this is often a common response from family and after exchanging a few of our own experiences with each other we concluded that maybe it was a case of parental denial.
What parent wants to accept that their child is ill or has been abused. Its not easy to take. Maybe they too are struggling to deal with their own denial. Maybe they have hidden their suspicions for years and just hoped they were wrong. I guarantee most parents feel at least some level of guilt for in some way allowing this to happen.
As I mentioned in my previous post, denial must be tacked slowly and when the person is ready. I know we may need or want their support right away, but maybe they need some time to come to grips with what has happened too. There may be a rare few who really just don't care, but I would say most would be now wondering to some to degree or another..what do I do now?
18 October, 2011
De'Nile, a beautiful place to live!
Last night I attended my first meeting of Support for Adult survivors of Child abuse. It is run a bit differently from the other groups I attend, and as usual I was nervous going for the first time. Fortunately one of the ladies I know from my Bridges group was there to make me feel more comfortable.
How did I go? Hmmmm, interesting question......it was quite a revealing night. I have felt for most of my life that I had been abused, and of course it is confirmed when I get into therapy with my Psychologist. I have also felt I was pretty accepting of that and the affects it has had on me.
How wrong was I!!!!
The biggest thing I realized last night was that I am in major denial!!
"De'Nile" is a beautiful place to be. Palm trees, blue water, and a selection of interesting sights to see. Nothing bad happens there.
But we all know what does happen, eventually you must leave and return to reality. I'm not sure I like reality...it can seem so harsh.
As the first person started to speak at the SASCA meeting, about how we are not to blame for what happened to us, and how much it affects us even on through adult life. I was thinking to myself "it wasn't that bad, it didn't have that much of an affect on me". It took me a few seconds to realize the stupidity of this statement given my diagnosis of DID, and the life long problems I have faced, like Depression and anxiety. As the meeting went on and I listened to more and more stories of how survivors are coping with life, it really sank in.
We had also been discussing in Bridges the other day, how it is often easy to accept that we had a "bad childhood" or to say "my childhood wasn't that good" or even for us Multiples.."my alter was abused". These things are not that hard to accept because it does not involve connecting it directly to us. To think of one of my alters as being abused pushes it away and makes it feel like it has happened to some one else.(even though they are still a part of me)
But one of the hardest things to say is......"I was abused",
"I had an abusive childhood."
"Someone took advantage of me in a horrible way and I still carry very deep scars."
By talking about it in the 3rd person it makes it easier, it didn't really happen to me, it was just someone I know.
But when we take hold of it and acknowledge it was us...we need to face the truth. The truth that someone we knew, who we trusted and loved, used and hurt us. That those who were meant to be there to protect us, weren't. But most of all we must face the anger and pain. The pain we have fought so hard for so long to forget.
I can understand why I have spent so much time in denial, and why I am reluctant even now to leave its warm embrace. What person would want to live through that? But we must, this is healing, and from all accounts of those who have gone before us... it is worth it! It is hard, and even cruel, and not something we should even have to deal with. But we do and it is worth it!
I cannot say I am ready to give up my denial. I also know I can not make it happen before I am ready. But at least now I am one step closer to seeing the truth and being able to face reality.
I may miss the palm trees, blue water and scenic views, but in the end I will be able to see a much better view, maybe with tropical waters, sandy beaches, and hopefully without fear, anger and pain.
17 October, 2011
Flashbacks
The other day at Bridges we were discussing a few very interesting topics one of which being Flashbacks. I thought it was important to explain exactly what we mean when we say 'some one had a flashback'. Modern movies often portray a flashback in some one's life as a bit like having a movie playing in your head. While very entertaining for TV purposes, that is not generally what happens. I often wish it was.
Flashbacks can be seeing a quick flash of a picture in your head of something that happened in your past. It can be a smell, or a feeling, maybe just a sense of touching someone else's skin. An emotion, a sense of warmth, not being alone, or being alone. They are often vague and can be hard to grasp their meaning. Often it is hard to know what they mean until they are put together with other flashbacks or memories.
Flashbacks can be filled with lots of emotions or no emotion at all. They can last not more than a second of for a few minutes and they do not always happen when you want them too or when it is convenient to have them.
When your mind is ready it will release the secrets of your past....and not a second before.
Flashbacks can be seeing a quick flash of a picture in your head of something that happened in your past. It can be a smell, or a feeling, maybe just a sense of touching someone else's skin. An emotion, a sense of warmth, not being alone, or being alone. They are often vague and can be hard to grasp their meaning. Often it is hard to know what they mean until they are put together with other flashbacks or memories.
Flashbacks can be filled with lots of emotions or no emotion at all. They can last not more than a second of for a few minutes and they do not always happen when you want them too or when it is convenient to have them.
When your mind is ready it will release the secrets of your past....and not a second before.
14 October, 2011
Dissociation is....
Today I just wanted to post this great poem by Sarah K Reece.
Enjoy
Posted: 12 Oct 2011 04:41 PM PDT
To touch life with gloves on
To sit at a banquet and taste only ash
The void into which I fall
Colours turning grey.
To touch life with gloves on
Nerves burned out by fire
A room with walls so thick I cannot hear the screaming
To sail my little boat away from shores of pain
To drown in that empty place
To feel dead.
To touch life with gloves on
Mirrors that lie to me
Memories that fall like snow
Not knowing if I'm dreaming or awake
To always be alone
To always be lost and looking for home.
To touch life with gloves on
To laugh at pain
To be wild with recklessness
To never flinch
To turn my face from the world
To stand in sunshine and see only night
To ask 'are you there?' and not hear the answer
To become so cold that I never feel cold again
To be haunted by life
To be forever falling
To touch life with gloves on.
11 October, 2011
Revelation
I was at Bridges (DID support group) the other day and one of the ladies that was attending the group mentioned an organization called "Adult survivors of Child Abuse". A few days ago I got on the internet to look them up. I found some great information about the services they offer. On of the things they run is meetings, run by facilitators who have been through Child abuse themselves, where survivors can get together and support each other through the journey of healing. Their motto is "From Survivor to Thriver".
http://www.ascasupport.org/index.php
I suddenly occurred to me that I had really not been putting much time into the cause of my problem but instead spending most of my time in dealing with a rather strong and overwhelming symptom. My DID.
I realized that perhaps I had it the wrong way around. Yes I do need to spend time learning more about my disorder and how to function with it, but I also need to deal with the cause. Years of abuse had got me this way and had obviously affected my life, maybe I should put some more time into working on the abuse recovery.
It was quite a revelation for me as I guess DID had taken so much of my attention because it is affecting my day to day life and is so hard to forget. Where as the trauma is something I would much rather forget and avoid.
For now a new area of my journey begins. Don't think this is going to be an easy one but eventually rewarding.
http://www.ascasupport.org/index.php
I suddenly occurred to me that I had really not been putting much time into the cause of my problem but instead spending most of my time in dealing with a rather strong and overwhelming symptom. My DID.
I realized that perhaps I had it the wrong way around. Yes I do need to spend time learning more about my disorder and how to function with it, but I also need to deal with the cause. Years of abuse had got me this way and had obviously affected my life, maybe I should put some more time into working on the abuse recovery.
It was quite a revelation for me as I guess DID had taken so much of my attention because it is affecting my day to day life and is so hard to forget. Where as the trauma is something I would much rather forget and avoid.
For now a new area of my journey begins. Don't think this is going to be an easy one but eventually rewarding.
09 October, 2011
Being Human
I don't know if anyone else has the same problem as me, but I forget to just be human. I spend so much of my time thinking about my Disorder, reading about it and Dealing with the trauma that I forget I am a human being just like everyone else and I need to have fun times too.
I haven't done many social things for a while because I really haven't felt up to dealing with others without bursting into tears. Last night I had a group of friends around for a fun evening of home shopping. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. It was a wonderful opportunity to catch up with some old friends and enjoy good times.
For several hours, my voices stopped, my mind was clear and I was enjoying the fun and jokes of the evening. For several hours I was not a broken discarded person fighting her way through recovery, but a normal woman having fun with friends. It was wonderful. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it.
I guess in all of this I am trying to learn that my disorder doesn't define me. It affects me, but it is not all of me. I need to laugh and forget just like everyone else.
Yes I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, yes I am recovering from trauma, but I am also a fun vibrant woman who loves to laugh with some amazing friends. I just need to remember........... to live!!
For several hours, my voices stopped, my mind was clear and I was enjoying the fun and jokes of the evening. For several hours I was not a broken discarded person fighting her way through recovery, but a normal woman having fun with friends. It was wonderful. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it.
I guess in all of this I am trying to learn that my disorder doesn't define me. It affects me, but it is not all of me. I need to laugh and forget just like everyone else.
Yes I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, yes I am recovering from trauma, but I am also a fun vibrant woman who loves to laugh with some amazing friends. I just need to remember........... to live!!
05 October, 2011
Less than perfect.
At what point in our lives do we realize, we didn't have a perfect childhood.
Now, I am understating it again. 'Perfect' Who could say their childhood or life for that matter was perfect. Very few people I suspect, if any. We may indeed be able to find quite a lot more who would say they had a good life or childhood, and probably more again who would say 'it wasn't a bad childhood'. At what point in our lives do we come to the true understanding that our childhood was not good at all but indeed bad.
For some, it is probably something that stays with you in constant thought forever, but for some i.e. ME, this truth is hidden in dissociation and loss of memory. I always new it wasn't the best, my parents were divorced and my father disappeared leaving us with no knowledge of where he was. That would cause problems for anyone, and would of course be reason enough for a child to feel deserted.
As time and of course Therapy goes on I realize and remember more and more of the past that has helped to shape me, and it is not good at all.
You have probably guessed by now that I had a session today with my Therapist, and we uncovered some interesting truths. I realize that there is more to this dissociated individual than I first thought and that it may be that I may have learned to dissociate much younger than I previously understood to be true. And that those who I thought were innocent were not. I must clarify that last sentence. Deep down I knew and always suspected there was more to this than I had wanted to consider. But the human brain does what it can to protect us, and I have always tried to see the good in people and not believe the bad.
It hurts, really hurts when you realize your life, your start in this would, perhaps from day one, was not at all good. That this way of survival is all you have ever known for a reason, and although you are a normal human being, your life is far from normal.
I want to name names, but I cant. I want to able to say, but it is not time. I do wonder 'why me', 'what did i do to deserve this' I know I shouldn't, but I do, through every part of my being. It seems my fault.
There is a song by an Aussie artist Belinda Emmett, that she wrote while she was dying of cancer in her early 30's.
called "Less than Perfect". It really touched me, here it is.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu04Q6RT8-I
That's how I feel ...Less than perfect, living a life that is less than perfect.
"So here I am, with my less than perfect life.
Here I stand , with my less than perfect life."
For some, it is probably something that stays with you in constant thought forever, but for some i.e. ME, this truth is hidden in dissociation and loss of memory. I always new it wasn't the best, my parents were divorced and my father disappeared leaving us with no knowledge of where he was. That would cause problems for anyone, and would of course be reason enough for a child to feel deserted.
As time and of course Therapy goes on I realize and remember more and more of the past that has helped to shape me, and it is not good at all.
You have probably guessed by now that I had a session today with my Therapist, and we uncovered some interesting truths. I realize that there is more to this dissociated individual than I first thought and that it may be that I may have learned to dissociate much younger than I previously understood to be true. And that those who I thought were innocent were not. I must clarify that last sentence. Deep down I knew and always suspected there was more to this than I had wanted to consider. But the human brain does what it can to protect us, and I have always tried to see the good in people and not believe the bad.
It hurts, really hurts when you realize your life, your start in this would, perhaps from day one, was not at all good. That this way of survival is all you have ever known for a reason, and although you are a normal human being, your life is far from normal.
There is a song by an Aussie artist Belinda Emmett, that she wrote while she was dying of cancer in her early 30's.
called "Less than Perfect". It really touched me, here it is.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu04Q6RT8-I
That's how I feel ...Less than perfect, living a life that is less than perfect.
"So here I am, with my less than perfect life.
Here I stand , with my less than perfect life."
02 October, 2011
Not today
Today has been a bit of a tough day. Haven't felt the best physically and ended up not feeling the best mentally too. I tried to help my hubby by trying to organize what to have for dinner. Once again I ended up standing in the kitchen with an internal argument about what to eat and do. The problem being it wasn't loud enough for me to clearly hear and I ended up in tears. I have spent the rest of the evening wanting to curl up and cry. Really have very little understanding of why except that someone on the inside has issues with the food I was wanting to eat.I go through fazes of only wanting to eat total junk food and the thought of eating anything healthy turns my stomach. At the same time eating only junk doesn't leave me feeling that good either. Maybe today is just one of those days where I just should have stayed in bed.
29 September, 2011
Shoes
I haven't post on here in a few days, I would like to say I have been busy but I am not sure I have. Now that I am not working I am finding there seems to be less spare time than I had when I was working. lol
Yesterday was spent trying to get my Tax sorted out, I was hoping that after my appointment with my tax agent I could sit back and relax and wait for the refund to come rolling in. Hmmmm, that was just foolishness. I now have even more stuff to look for in order to get my tax done than before and the process is going to take even longer than I expected. Grrrr.
I have finished my shoes! What do you think?
I was very nervous about the part where I had to put them in the oven to set the paint. I was imagining melted rubber and flames. It was only for 2 mins and I watched to clock very carefully to make sure I didn's leave it too long. Dissociating at this point could have turned out very bad.
I do need to clean the oven, what a mess!...there was a bit of smoke and I had to open the front and back doors of the house to let it all out.
Because the oven must be so hot, I put tea towels on the oven shelves so as to not melt the base of the shoes. My oven is not the best and tends to burn everything we cook on the bottom and still have the top of the food partially uncooked. I had forgotten this when I put the shoes in and didn't raise the level of the shelves to compensate. When I got the shoes out and had left them on the sink to cool I found that the tea towels hadn't feared so well. I had to toss them out. Turns out they were 100% cotton and could have burnt quite easily.
As I have been saying in my posts, I have been very stable lately, and I was starting to do the whole, "maybe I don't really have DID thing". Forgetting of course all the stuff that has happened over the years and focusing on the last few days/weeks.
Yesterday brought me back to reality. After seeing my tax agent, I felt quite unstable and by the end of the day I wasn't coping anywhere near as well as I thought I would. After a small afternoon nap I felt a bit better, but I had definitely lost the thoughts of not having DID.
Before bed I thought I better get to my journal. There was quite a bit I wanted to say and even had one of my alters decide he wanted to have a go at writing. An interesting idea given he is not very old and right handed where I am left handed. It was good though, he would write something and I was able (in time) to reply. It gave us a small moment of communication. Such a special thing and what I long for so much. To know what the others are feeling and to be able to help and talk to them if I can is amazing.
Later I got into bed laying next to my husband, and that small voice said to me "is that Grandpa?" I replied, "No that's Hope's Husband" He was happy with that answer and that was the end of our chat.
I did not sleep well though and there were obviously others who were restless as well. I ended up sleeping in my son's bed (he's not home at the moment) There are many times, as I may have mentioned on here before, when particular alters don't like to be in the same bed as my husband. Especially my teenage alters, so I will not be able to get comfortable and have to move to the couch or spare bed. I guess after all the stress of yesterday there are a few more alters who have things they want to say. I must try to spend some more time today with my journal.
Yesterday was spent trying to get my Tax sorted out, I was hoping that after my appointment with my tax agent I could sit back and relax and wait for the refund to come rolling in. Hmmmm, that was just foolishness. I now have even more stuff to look for in order to get my tax done than before and the process is going to take even longer than I expected. Grrrr.
I have finished my shoes! What do you think?I was very nervous about the part where I had to put them in the oven to set the paint. I was imagining melted rubber and flames. It was only for 2 mins and I watched to clock very carefully to make sure I didn's leave it too long. Dissociating at this point could have turned out very bad.
I do need to clean the oven, what a mess!...there was a bit of smoke and I had to open the front and back doors of the house to let it all out.
Because the oven must be so hot, I put tea towels on the oven shelves so as to not melt the base of the shoes. My oven is not the best and tends to burn everything we cook on the bottom and still have the top of the food partially uncooked. I had forgotten this when I put the shoes in and didn't raise the level of the shelves to compensate. When I got the shoes out and had left them on the sink to cool I found that the tea towels hadn't feared so well. I had to toss them out. Turns out they were 100% cotton and could have burnt quite easily.
As I have been saying in my posts, I have been very stable lately, and I was starting to do the whole, "maybe I don't really have DID thing". Forgetting of course all the stuff that has happened over the years and focusing on the last few days/weeks.
Yesterday brought me back to reality. After seeing my tax agent, I felt quite unstable and by the end of the day I wasn't coping anywhere near as well as I thought I would. After a small afternoon nap I felt a bit better, but I had definitely lost the thoughts of not having DID.
Before bed I thought I better get to my journal. There was quite a bit I wanted to say and even had one of my alters decide he wanted to have a go at writing. An interesting idea given he is not very old and right handed where I am left handed. It was good though, he would write something and I was able (in time) to reply. It gave us a small moment of communication. Such a special thing and what I long for so much. To know what the others are feeling and to be able to help and talk to them if I can is amazing.
Later I got into bed laying next to my husband, and that small voice said to me "is that Grandpa?" I replied, "No that's Hope's Husband" He was happy with that answer and that was the end of our chat.
I did not sleep well though and there were obviously others who were restless as well. I ended up sleeping in my son's bed (he's not home at the moment) There are many times, as I may have mentioned on here before, when particular alters don't like to be in the same bed as my husband. Especially my teenage alters, so I will not be able to get comfortable and have to move to the couch or spare bed. I guess after all the stress of yesterday there are a few more alters who have things they want to say. I must try to spend some more time today with my journal.
23 September, 2011
How smart are we?
I admit I am posting on this topic because my friend Sarah started me thinking because of her post on her blog.
http://sarahkreece.blogspot.com/2011/09/mental-illness-and-intelligence.html#comment-form
Intelligence, high IQ, smart. There are definite advantages in life to being smarter, more intelligent. But it is not the only factor in life that determines success. I have actually had my IQ tested many years ago and it was found that I did score very high in many areas. So yes I am classed as intelligent. Does that make me an instant success? Does that mean I am exempt from the hardships in life? NO!
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I am quite high functioning. I am able to work part time and run a household with several young males in it. To talk to me, I appear a confident capable woman, and to a degree I am.
This however does not prevent me from suffering the same mental illness problems as everyone else.
I have had Depression for most of my life and have been medicated for it for over 10years now. My Doctor says I may never be able to come off my medication as my body may never be able to make the serotonin I need to stabilize my mood. ( I do maintain an unhealthy self medication of chocolate to help with the lighter stresses and symptoms. lol)
My high IQ does not help me in anyway in dealing with this illness. On the contrary, sometimes I make it worse, as I as am inclined to expect more of myself and push myself harder. I expect I should be able to do more.
But the one that hurts the most and I find most frustrating is..."isn't it good you are so intelligent so that you can cope so well and deal with your DID" Why do i find that so hard? Because DID is caused by trauma. If my life had been without serious trauma at such a young age and I had not had to survive by Dissociating to such an extent, I could now be just about anything. A Doctor, lawyer, maybe even the Psychologist I had wanted to be.
There are positives and negatives to every situation and I am by no means sitting here having a pity party. There are many far worse off than I. But please remember, we all equal, my intelligence doesn't save me from these things, and in some cases may make things worse.
We all need a friend and a shoulder to lean on, and just because we may appear to be coping on the out side, doesn't mean we are coping inside. We all have out hardships and we all suffer pain, and to us what we have been through is big for us.
http://sarahkreece.blogspot.com/2011/09/mental-illness-and-intelligence.html#comment-form
Intelligence, high IQ, smart. There are definite advantages in life to being smarter, more intelligent. But it is not the only factor in life that determines success. I have actually had my IQ tested many years ago and it was found that I did score very high in many areas. So yes I am classed as intelligent. Does that make me an instant success? Does that mean I am exempt from the hardships in life? NO!
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I am quite high functioning. I am able to work part time and run a household with several young males in it. To talk to me, I appear a confident capable woman, and to a degree I am.
This however does not prevent me from suffering the same mental illness problems as everyone else.
I have had Depression for most of my life and have been medicated for it for over 10years now. My Doctor says I may never be able to come off my medication as my body may never be able to make the serotonin I need to stabilize my mood. ( I do maintain an unhealthy self medication of chocolate to help with the lighter stresses and symptoms. lol)My high IQ does not help me in anyway in dealing with this illness. On the contrary, sometimes I make it worse, as I as am inclined to expect more of myself and push myself harder. I expect I should be able to do more.
But the one that hurts the most and I find most frustrating is..."isn't it good you are so intelligent so that you can cope so well and deal with your DID" Why do i find that so hard? Because DID is caused by trauma. If my life had been without serious trauma at such a young age and I had not had to survive by Dissociating to such an extent, I could now be just about anything. A Doctor, lawyer, maybe even the Psychologist I had wanted to be.
There are positives and negatives to every situation and I am by no means sitting here having a pity party. There are many far worse off than I. But please remember, we all equal, my intelligence doesn't save me from these things, and in some cases may make things worse.
We all need a friend and a shoulder to lean on, and just because we may appear to be coping on the out side, doesn't mean we are coping inside. We all have out hardships and we all suffer pain, and to us what we have been through is big for us.
21 September, 2011
Haunted (may be triggering)
I feel as if 'he', my abuser, has so much of me, no matter where I go, what I do he is with me.
The memory of him is always with me, he haunts my life. In every corner I see him. In every moment he is near, times of joy are tinged with fear and sadness. He is in my thoughts more than those I love.
In my quiet times I think of him. He has the power, he is ever present. He has moulded me into who I am today, he has changed the direction for my life. He has stolen who I could have become. Lost within his clutches, unable to escape.
Feeling his breathe heavy in my ear, close, warm and wet.
Let me go, let me out of here. you have too much of me, you don't need me.
Set me free from your pain, let me live my life.
Let me hold my future in my hands and not fear the night within my heart.
You have had me, you have held me, you have made me your own.
Will you ever let me go, to wander free among the others. Those who do not know your way. who live without the knowledge of the darkness deep inside.
I dont want to live with the shame, the hiding and the tears. I dont want to know your ugliness the darkness you try to hid. I dont want to hold your secrets.
Give to me my innocence. Give to me a life away from pain and fear.
Give to me my freedom and let me fly again.
http://youtu.be/RYVm0qbWIZU
Evanescence - Going Under
The memory of him is always with me, he haunts my life. In every corner I see him. In every moment he is near, times of joy are tinged with fear and sadness. He is in my thoughts more than those I love.
In my quiet times I think of him. He has the power, he is ever present. He has moulded me into who I am today, he has changed the direction for my life. He has stolen who I could have become. Lost within his clutches, unable to escape.
Feeling his breathe heavy in my ear, close, warm and wet.
Let me go, let me out of here. you have too much of me, you don't need me.
Set me free from your pain, let me live my life.
Let me hold my future in my hands and not fear the night within my heart.
You have had me, you have held me, you have made me your own.
Will you ever let me go, to wander free among the others. Those who do not know your way. who live without the knowledge of the darkness deep inside.
I dont want to live with the shame, the hiding and the tears. I dont want to know your ugliness the darkness you try to hid. I dont want to hold your secrets.
Give to me my innocence. Give to me a life away from pain and fear.
Give to me my freedom and let me fly again.
http://youtu.be/RYVm0qbWIZU
Evanescence - Going Under
Yesterday
Yesterday was a very interesting day. As I said in my blog I was going to learn how to decorate some shoes. It is amazing how learning a new skill can be so taxing on your energy.
This is the next part of my shoes. I had to decide on the design and the draw it on the shoes and then go over it with a black waterproof texta. It all took a lot longer than I had expected and I was so tired by the end of this stage. I didn't have the energy to start painting. I am happy with the design so far and am looking forward to having the chance to paint. I am feeling a bit inspired to get back into other painting projects now.
On the journalling front, I did manage to find some time yesterday to journal, mostly because I had regular reminders from inside to get it done. I learned a good lesson. When I make the time to journal what has happened in day both good and bad, and the feelings that have been aroused, I am much more settled to sleep in the evening. Last night I slept so well. I cant remember when I last slept like that.
My aim now is to try and write something in my journal every day, even if it is only basic boring stuff, and hopefully I will be in better communication with my alters and we will work better as a system. I hope.
I have never been very good at regularly writing in diaries or journals. I seem to get a good start and then within a week really cant be bothered. I am hoping with all this new spare time I will be able to find time to express more of what is happening and how I am feeling. It seems to be quite an effort to really get to know myself, it is so easy to avoid spending time on the things that are important.
I have started taking the dog for a walk this week after I drop my son to school. Babe (my dog) loves it.
It is good exercise for me too as my job was quite physical and I don't want to spend my time just sitting around gaining weight and losing fitness.
There is only one draw back, because I have taken her for a nice big walk in the morning, Babe then thinks we are best friends and spends the rest of the day following me every where I go. If I go to the bathroom she will wait outside the door and snort under it if I take too long. She is definitely a faithful friend. Maybe not the smartest dog in the world but very very loving and will do anything to be where you are. As I sit at the dinning table typing this out, she is asleep on her beanbag on the floor in the sun right next to me.
Well that's enough from me today, hope you have a good day, and thanks for reading.
On the journalling front, I did manage to find some time yesterday to journal, mostly because I had regular reminders from inside to get it done. I learned a good lesson. When I make the time to journal what has happened in day both good and bad, and the feelings that have been aroused, I am much more settled to sleep in the evening. Last night I slept so well. I cant remember when I last slept like that.
My aim now is to try and write something in my journal every day, even if it is only basic boring stuff, and hopefully I will be in better communication with my alters and we will work better as a system. I hope.
I have never been very good at regularly writing in diaries or journals. I seem to get a good start and then within a week really cant be bothered. I am hoping with all this new spare time I will be able to find time to express more of what is happening and how I am feeling. It seems to be quite an effort to really get to know myself, it is so easy to avoid spending time on the things that are important.
I have started taking the dog for a walk this week after I drop my son to school. Babe (my dog) loves it. It is good exercise for me too as my job was quite physical and I don't want to spend my time just sitting around gaining weight and losing fitness.
There is only one draw back, because I have taken her for a nice big walk in the morning, Babe then thinks we are best friends and spends the rest of the day following me every where I go. If I go to the bathroom she will wait outside the door and snort under it if I take too long. She is definitely a faithful friend. Maybe not the smartest dog in the world but very very loving and will do anything to be where you are. As I sit at the dinning table typing this out, she is asleep on her beanbag on the floor in the sun right next to me.
Well that's enough from me today, hope you have a good day, and thanks for reading.
20 September, 2011
Sleepy
Today I would usually be at work. I decided to keep today reasonably busy so that I don't feel too lost not working. With 3 boys in the house there is always something to get done but I do not want to spend all this time cleaning up after them and just pottering around the house getting little jobs done. I have decided to attend an Art group at MIFSA (Mental Illness Fellowship of South Australia). As you may know by now I am trying to increase my skills in drawing and painting, and hopefully be able to use these to aide my healing and express myself. It has been a while since my last painting and I am keen tt learn more.
Today my friend Sarah is going to teach me how to paint canvas shoes. These are my new white canvas shoes, washed dried and ready to go. I will keep you posted on how I go.
I have not been sleeping well for a couple of nights now and last night was unsettling. I kept waking up every few hours with scary images in my head and feeling like I had been seeing flashbacks. I can not remember any of them now I am awake but I am keenly aware that someone inside is not feeling safe.
I have reverted to using my 'U' pillow as it snuggles around my body and makes me feel more secure. I have also found the need to cuddle my big soft bunny at night. This is what I usually need when I am dealing with some of the trauma in therapy. Strangely enough I had not felt the need for either the pillow or bunny for quite some time.
I am hoping to get some time today to be able to sit down quietly and see if anyone on the inside has anything they wish to communicate about how they are feeling and what triggered all these feelings.
I have not been sleeping well for a couple of nights now and last night was unsettling. I kept waking up every few hours with scary images in my head and feeling like I had been seeing flashbacks. I can not remember any of them now I am awake but I am keenly aware that someone inside is not feeling safe.
I have reverted to using my 'U' pillow as it snuggles around my body and makes me feel more secure. I have also found the need to cuddle my big soft bunny at night. This is what I usually need when I am dealing with some of the trauma in therapy. Strangely enough I had not felt the need for either the pillow or bunny for quite some time.
I am hoping to get some time today to be able to sit down quietly and see if anyone on the inside has anything they wish to communicate about how they are feeling and what triggered all these feelings.
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