Last night I attended my first meeting of Support for Adult survivors of Child abuse. It is run a bit differently from the other groups I attend, and as usual I was nervous going for the first time. Fortunately one of the ladies I know from my Bridges group was there to make me feel more comfortable.
How did I go? Hmmmm, interesting question......it was quite a revealing night. I have felt for most of my life that I had been abused, and of course it is confirmed when I get into therapy with my Psychologist. I have also felt I was pretty accepting of that and the affects it has had on me.
How wrong was I!!!!
The biggest thing I realized last night was that I am in major denial!!
"De'Nile" is a beautiful place to be. Palm trees, blue water, and a selection of interesting sights to see. Nothing bad happens there.
But we all know what does happen, eventually you must leave and return to reality. I'm not sure I like reality...it can seem so harsh.
As the first person started to speak at the SASCA meeting, about how we are not to blame for what happened to us, and how much it affects us even on through adult life. I was thinking to myself "it wasn't that bad, it didn't have that much of an affect on me". It took me a few seconds to realize the stupidity of this statement given my diagnosis of DID, and the life long problems I have faced, like Depression and anxiety. As the meeting went on and I listened to more and more stories of how survivors are coping with life, it really sank in.
We had also been discussing in Bridges the other day, how it is often easy to accept that we had a "bad childhood" or to say "my childhood wasn't that good" or even for us Multiples.."my alter was abused". These things are not that hard to accept because it does not involve connecting it directly to us. To think of one of my alters as being abused pushes it away and makes it feel like it has happened to some one else.(even though they are still a part of me)
But one of the hardest things to say is......"I was abused",
"I had an abusive childhood."
"Someone took advantage of me in a horrible way and I still carry very deep scars."
By talking about it in the 3rd person it makes it easier, it didn't really happen to me, it was just someone I know.
But when we take hold of it and acknowledge it was us...we need to face the truth. The truth that someone we knew, who we trusted and loved, used and hurt us. That those who were meant to be there to protect us, weren't. But most of all we must face the anger and pain. The pain we have fought so hard for so long to forget.
I can understand why I have spent so much time in denial, and why I am reluctant even now to leave its warm embrace. What person would want to live through that? But we must, this is healing, and from all accounts of those who have gone before us... it is worth it! It is hard, and even cruel, and not something we should even have to deal with. But we do and it is worth it!
I cannot say I am ready to give up my denial. I also know I can not make it happen before I am ready. But at least now I am one step closer to seeing the truth and being able to face reality.
I may miss the palm trees, blue water and scenic views, but in the end I will be able to see a much better view, maybe with tropical waters, sandy beaches, and hopefully without fear, anger and pain.
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