Less than perfect.

At what point in our lives do we realize, we didn't have a perfect childhood.

Now, I am understating it again. 'Perfect' Who could say their childhood or life for that matter was perfect. Very few people I suspect, if any. We may indeed be able to find quite a lot more who would say they had a good life or childhood, and probably more again who would say 'it wasn't a bad childhood'. At what point in our lives do we come to the true understanding that our childhood was not good at all but indeed bad.
For some, it is probably something that stays with you in constant thought forever, but for some i.e. ME, this truth is hidden in dissociation and loss of memory. I always new it wasn't the best, my parents were divorced and my father disappeared leaving us with no knowledge of where he was. That would cause problems for anyone, and would of course be reason enough for a child to feel deserted.
As time and of course Therapy goes on I realize and remember more and more of the past that has helped to shape me, and it is not good at all.
You have probably guessed by now that I had a session today with my Therapist, and we uncovered some interesting truths. I realize that there is more to this dissociated individual than I first thought and that it may be that I may have learned to dissociate much younger than I previously understood to be true. And that those who I thought were innocent were not. I must clarify that last sentence. Deep down I knew and always suspected there was more to this than I had wanted to consider. But the human brain does what it can to protect us, and I have always tried to see the good in people and not believe the bad.
It hurts, really hurts when you realize your life, your start in this would, perhaps from day one, was not at all good. That this way of survival is all you have ever known for a reason, and although you are a normal human being, your life is far from normal.

I want to name names, but I cant. I want to able to say, but it is not time. I do wonder 'why me', 'what did i do to deserve this' I know I shouldn't, but I do, through every part of my being. It seems my fault.

There is a song by an Aussie artist Belinda Emmett, that she wrote while she was dying of cancer in her early 30's.
called "Less than Perfect".   It really touched me, here it is.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu04Q6RT8-I

 That's how I feel ...Less than perfect, living a life that is less than perfect.








 "So here I am, with my less than perfect life.
Here I stand , with my less than perfect life."