Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

15 January, 2017

Newton's Third Law!

Newton's third law is: For every actionthere is an equal and opposite reaction

It feel like this in life too. Days of feeling we are getting our life to head in a
productive direction, and there is an equal and opposite reaction. The last two
nights have been hell. Self harm has been up, and last night we were in crisis
mode. We knew we could not be left alone or we would end up in hospital at
the very least with stitches in our body. After calling every friend we knew who
could at the very least understand the concept, we had nowhere to go.
No safe place to hide for the night. In the end we were forced to stay home and 
depend on our daughter, Miss18. She has done this sort of thing before with 
friends, but never for us. We HATE having to be the one she looks after. We 
don't like putting that sort of pressure on her. She has many other things she 
is trying to deal with. In the end she handled it very well.

She is very understanding and supportive, something for which we are eternally
grateful. We have a wonderful treasure in her. 

Looking back on the last 2 weeks I can see why we have hit the wall, so to 
speak. We have had several flashbacks and triggers into deep things, like the
death of Babies we had in our teens. We have had our period this week too, 
and without going into too much detail, it has been very heavy and highly 
triggering. To the point we went to our GP to get medication to stop it or at the
very least slow it down. Thankfully we could, and now have a way to keep it
manageable and hopefully a lot less triggering each month. 
We have also had trouble dealing with matters of the heart. Never an easy one
for anyone. Made much more complex with the many of us involved. 
We had to use a far whack of our medication  to help sedate us and make us 
sleep, but we made it. We haven't slept at all well the last couple of weeks and
that is not going to help matters at all. We feel a little better after getting a bit 
more sleep lastnight. 
Today I think we will spend having a self care day doing things we enjoy, and 
slowly come to terms with the things that have been brought us this week. 
We miss our babies so much, and just want to hold them. The realization that
our daughter may have lived longer in the group than we first thought has been 
heartbreaking. To die young is better in these groups. The longer you live the 
more abuse you go through, especially as a girl.
We have also been opening up a lot more with our therapist. This is great, but 
it sets off triggers and programs inside to try to stop us. These can include self
harm. So i guess that was a really big factor too. 
This feels like a very very hard life at the moment, and I'm not really sure how
we are doing it. One bonus that did come from last night, was that we weren't 
suicidal.We have been that way for many years, but the changes we have 
made in our lifestyle over the last few months has decreased that dramatically.
Even with all the triggers and everything we went through this week, we didn't 
want to end it.That is a MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT. 
We will just keep fighting, one day at a time. That's all we have left to do. 
Thanks for reading.

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