That time when you tell someone close to you a bit of what you went through, and they look at you like you are crazy and say "I don't believe in all this memories stuff you keep saying, but I will support you."
That heartbreaking moment when you realise they are humouring you. Their support is great but belief would be better. Being believed is healing. It is someone else saying it is real, and helping you to feel normal. The greatest healing comes from when we can be open about the truth of what happened and be believed.
We don't want to have these memories, we don't want to be making them up either. We don't want to know that our mind is crazy enough to just go making up random and horrific memories about the ones we love, We don't want to be many when we can be one. If we have DID we have it is for a reason. We didn't get it by stubbing our toe on the couch, There had to be serious abuse that happened in childhood or we would never have DID in the first place.
Having DID, and remembering things I never want to believe about family members, who I thought loved me, is heartbreaking. It takes ages to come to terms with. You DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IT EITHER. But there it is on your mind. and when your body shows signs of this abuse being real, you begin to wonder if maybe it is. Them comes the earth shattering realization the the people you loved and trusted were the ones who did this to you. That takes weeks, months, years to come to terms with, and you try every explanation you can to try and make it not real. But slowly more evidence comes forward, and slowly you lose more and more hope, that is is all a dream or some confused thought process. Slowly you realise that these memories ARE real, and you did live that life and you are now forever changed. Those people you loved and trusted.....were and are the very same people who hurt you so bad that you now live with DID.
Your sense of trust is broken, your view of the world is shattered. The world is a totally different place now, and always will be . If you can't trust them, who can you trust. Life is never the same again. And those memories you have inside you...they stay forever, they are as much a part of your life as learning to ride a bike.
This is NOT a life I have chosen. This is NOT a life I wanted. Because of these memories I have no family except my remaining children. I have had to leave those people I don't feel safe with in order to heal. Yes it has helped a lot but it comes at a price. A very high price. This is not a game I am playing, this is not a way to get attention. If you want attention break your arm, you get heaps more sympathy and attention for that than you ever will for being a trauma survivor. I want to live a life just like anyone else, have friends, hobbies, laugh, live. I DO NOT want to live with this amount of trauma every day. Why would I choose this life and hold up this charade for so long, to only be shunned. There are no benefits spending years in therapy remembering horrific things. Having your body relive these experiences. You are left a broken person. Even in the off chance you are making up these very sick and disturbing memorise, what is so very wrong with you and your mind that you would do that.
I end this by saying....I just asked Miss 18, my daughter, if she believed my memories were real. She said yes, I asked her why....she said "because I have repressed memories" I knew she did. but just that little piece of validation made me cry. She had no idea what that little affirmation means to me.
It is Real.