Some days living this life is just too hard. This disorder can affect so much and I get tired of just trying to go on. A friend I know would probably tell me to take some time for my self and be kind, take a break. She is right of course, but I am grumpy anyway.
I hear my Alters, they talk to me as voices in my head, and if I am not doing as they like they will continue to winge and complain throughout the day until I either do what they want or they give up. It is not always easy to understand or hear what they are saying, so I can spend my time knowing they are upset and listening to a constant mumble of complaints. It is like someone constantly telling you that you are doing the wrong thing or not listening to them but at the same time not really knowing what it is you are supposed to be doing or what they want. It gets so tiring. My thoughts are not my own and my body and time is not my own.
I discussed this with my Therapist this morning and she said it was a bit like raising children. Children need to learn that sometimes when they want things they can have them right away, and at other times we are busy and they will need to wait till we have finished what we are doing before they can have what they want. Same goes for internal children. They too want attention now, and for me to take time for them whenever they want. That does not always work in with what is going on in my life. so I must help them to see that I will be with them soon but for now they must wait. Just like teaching an outside child to have to wait sometimes, so I must teach an inside child to do the same. And yes they may throw a tantrum, but in time if I stand by my word and do what I say I will do, they will hopefully come to trust that I will be there for them, but they don't have the right to take over when ever they want to. It all sounds good in theory, but I am sure any parent will tell you it is not always easy. I always wanted lots of children I just didn't expect it to happen quite this way.