We were not made to be alone in this world. We were made to belong to someone, to be what they want us to be. After two failed marriages and countless relationships we know how easy it is to lose ourselves to our partner. We lose who we are and become who they want or need us to be. This is the first time in years we have been free to be us. We are trying our best to stay single. Trying to make the most of our freedom, but it is way harder than it seems. It's not just the loneliness that is hard, it's more than that. It's also about having someone to give us direction and purpose. Perhaps it's the same for everyone, i don't know, but i find myself floundering through the day not knowing who to listen to or what to do. So many voices from inside all with ideas of what we need to get done, it things they want to do. Rarely to they agree. I find myself drawn from one task to another, lost in a whirlwind of instructions, rarely feeling settled in any i choose.
We miss our children lately. All of them, the ones we have now and the ones we have lost. It is weighing heavily on us. We want to spend so much time with our last two, to somehow try and fill the gap. I guess it's morning for those we lost, it's doesn't seem to help much. We just want to hold our little ones in our arms. Hold them so tight and never let them go. We want so desperately to see them and to know they are ok. I guess in a way that makes us feel more alone.