For as long as I can remember I have always gone through times of extreme insecurity about being loved. The desire was insatiable and no matter what my partner did to reasure me of how much he loves me I couldnt feel it and would often just keep asking "do you love me?"
My husband is very understanding and will give me a big cuddle or say he loves me 'this much' as he spreads his arms as wide as he could.
It never really made a difference to how I felt. Deep down I still felt unloved. Last night it happened again and i asked myself why I felt this way. I found out.
A little girl named Rebecca kept repeating "Do you love me Daddy, do you love me?" She said it several times. I did my best to reassure she is loved and slowly she left.
I realized that although I am very aware with my conscious mind that I don't often feel love from my father, I didn't realize it went so deep and that a separate person held that feeling so deeply that no amount of reassuring could comfort her. What I needed as a child going through the horrors I experienced was love and reassurance. It never came. I am now 43yo, and I still feel that need for his acceptance, that love is missing, "Why am I this way that he couldn't love me?" My conscious mind knows it is not my fault, but I know that does not run very deep. Not far below the surface I feel it is all my fault, the abuse, the lack of love, somehow I deserved it. I was Evil. I am unlovable.
We have a very long way to go.