So much has been happening and we have been so busy we have barely thought of blogging. Study this year has been very hard on the body and system. We have never been ill so much before. We have spent most of winter in bed with colds, flu, tonsillitis, Asthma and anxiety. Our anxiety levels are high, every day we go to college we need to take anti anxiety medication and even many days we do not go we need to take it. We have one subject left before we are finished and will have our Certificate 4 in Massage Therapy. Many of us really enjoy doing massages, it is just hard work to get through all the study and pressure. As with most of he courses we have done in the past, we got about half way through and all enthusiasm was gone. No one wanted to continue with the course, but we had decided we would follow through and finish. We are so close, but it is taking such a toll on our health. I will be glad when it is over.
We are now in the depths of dealing with our past and what it holds for us. Flashbacks are common and full on. The things I have learnt about what happened, leave be in shock....how can this be real. We often wonder if it is all worth it. Do we really want to keep going if this is our future and we can never really escape it?
There are so many of us, that I have given up trying to keep count. We just say it is over 200. WE ARE MANY! Trying to get to know everyone is hard and on going. A switch in system can mean I am working with a whole new set of people I have not worked with before. I don't know their names or how they function.
Self harm is a constant thought. It is something we think about every day. Whether it is a small cut, or large slash, or just punches, trying to break our arm. It is always with us. So is suicide. We think of it often, several times a week. We live each day at a time trying to find the fun in it to make it worth our while going on.
Our girlfriend Diamonds makes a lot of difference, and helps us to keep our head above water. She is teaching us how to have fun and enjoy our selves, something we are not good at. We don't really know how to have fun. Diamonds understands the troubles we face, as she faces them too. Sometimes it is harder to watch someone going through what you go through, but sometimes it is a blessing to know that they truly understand. Life is hard, very hard, I we spend many days feeling defeated and only keep going for our sons and for Diamonds.
We want to leave a legacy in this life, we want our life to have some meaning and purpose. But we just don't know how. We NEED to know we have made a difference in this world and that our lives didn't go to waste. 'They' have taken so much from us, 'They' cant have the last word. But we just don't know how to do it.