Living Life

We learnt a valuable lesson today. Things have been pretty tough lately and we haven't been doing to well. We have been in a really bad head space and seemed to be heading for a pretty big crash. Today we got invited to have a picnic with a friend at a park. The weather was perfect so we pushed ourselves out the front door. Not as easy as it seems when everything within us insists we stay home to be here if the boys need us. ( at 20 and 15 years old they don't need us much) So off we headed to the park. There was constant fighting all the way there but as soon as we stepped out onto the grass every one calmed down. We spent about 3 hours sitting in the sun chatting and watching the world go by. We were so relaxed by the time we left, it was awesome. We need to remember how good it feels and do our best to get out and enjoy the world around us. Make the most of the days we can and stop hiding inside. Life is for living, we just need to remember to do it.

Too Broken!!

I am a survivor of Child sexual abuse, mind control and programming. So far we count over 200 members inside us and the numbers grow. We have been programmed to do many things that make us sick to the stomach think about. Our own abilities and past scare us. As I sit here today I really have no idea who we are. I know the image we have portrayed over all these years, but I also know it has nothing to do with who we really are. We were made to be this way so we wouldn't cause trouble. We are a product of the programming. Programs that even now get enacted as we encounter different things in our life. We are little more than who they made us. We are merely robots to achieve what they want and need. We are not individuals.
I really wonder if there is a way out of this. If we will ever really know freedom. Life just feels so hard, and like we will never get out of this. So many people in our head that we have to take into account. So many voices that want to be heard. So many lives they want to live. They want their voices to be heard, but I am so tired of this fight. So tired of being broken. Of not being able to handle relationships with people, of having so few people we can trust and talk to. I've had enough of it all. The fight just seems too much day in day out. I feel like every day we are just faking it to get through until the real life happens, the only thing is we have been doing this for so long we are beginning to wonder if there will ever be the real life.
If this IS the real life.....we are f*#ked.

Merry Christmas

It's that time of year again. Christmas. The time of year when families get together and eat and laugh and enjoy each others company. Well, in a Disney movie maybe, but not if you come from an abusive family environment. We are not that keen on Christmas especially now our boys are older. Our only other family is our mother, and while our relationship with her is improving, it still has a long way to go. Christmas was always a stressful time. Trying to make sure everything was perfect. Around Christmas child abuse usually increases, as men feel unsettled with their lives, they go to find comfort with a child. This makes Christmas a highly triggering time for most survivors. We suffer terribly with loneliness at this time. The feeling that everyone else has family but we don't and once again we face life with only ourselves to depend on. The boys are of to spend time with their father for 5 days on Christmas day. Diamonds is away for 4 days and gets back Christmas eve. She will be spending Christmas day with her family so we won't get to see her on the day. We are trying to do our best to keep busy and hope the loneliness doesn't hit too hard, but at the end of the day when all us said and done, we return to one true fact. We have only us to truly depend on, we are our family.