Supportive friend

I have had an interesting day today. An old friend who had visited a week or so ago, came back for another visit. The first visit was very stressful and left us shaken for a couple of days. This old friend, lets call him 'R' has known me for nearly 10years, but I have not seen him for at least 4years. He is a very lovely and caring man with a great heart. When he came around a week or so ago it became evident that it was not me he was used to hanging out with. He had obviously spent most of his time hanging out with another one of us from inside. I personally have very few memories of our times together, yet he regaled me with several occasions when we were together and or on the phone together. None of these were familiar and the behaviour he said I exhibited was very much not mine, and definitely belonged to some one else in our system. Needless to say I found his first visit in such a long time to be quite traumatic. He is very tall and a big man, when he enters a room you know it. His size alone can be intimidating. He is a gentle giant and loves to give hugs. I am of course not the one who likes all that hugging and found it to be way too much. It left us all shaken for days. He had said he would pop around another day and I was not looking forward to it.
When he called today to pop in I knew what I was going to do. I welcomed him in, (no hug) made him a coffee and we sat in the lounge. I started to talk to him about my Disorder. I explained that the person he had been friends with most of the time was not me and that it was a totally different part of me. I, personally, am not that keen on all the hugging, touching and conversation matter he had discussed recently. Fortunately R has worked as a carer for people with Disabilities and for some one with DID. He also knew some other people before that with DID so he is quite up to date on the disorder. I was so pleased. Not only did he understand my disorder but he also went on to tell me that he had suspected it for several years now. He remembers how different I was all those years ago and how one day I could be totally different from another.One day I might be more prudish and then the next totally the opposite. How I would forget things we had done or said,  only 3 days previously. It had sparked his curiosity. He is very supportive and I appreciate having someone who not only gets it, but can also remember me in the past. ( I cant! lol)
It is always a struggle to find people who understand this disorder, and who dont expect us to be an axe yeilding murderer. It is always a blessing to get understanding from someone, who can accept all your changes and memory issues. 

my whinge!

'Things have been getting better with my immediate family lately. Things were starting to settle down. I was beginning to feel relaxed, I was even starting to get my sense of smell back. ( My sense of smell is the first thing to go when I am stressed and or dissociated).
Then today hit. Like a tone of bricks. My son 'J' had been home sick for a few days. I didn't think much of it and only took him to the doctors today to just make sure it wasn't anything major. After leaving the doctors surgery I got a phone call from my ex husband, J's dad.  J was in trouble again. It has not been an easy few years with him. He had lulled me into a false sense of calm and trust. I was just beginning to trust him again after the last incident which had involved the police.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....quite honestly, how much stronger can I get. I sat with my Psychologist the other day we listed of the things I have been facing over the last few years. She said she often sees patients with one or even two of these things to deal with, but never this many. I am not sure if I should be pleased or cry. Her is a short list of some of them.
Me
Dissociative Identity disorder
Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic stress disorder
Arthritis
High blood pressure (not really surprising given the list)
( and few relatively minor physical health issues)
 Hubby - degenerative kidney disease
Boys
 ADD
Developmental delay
Low muscle tone
ADHD
gifted child
Gay child
Child in trouble with police
Children skipping school
Step family ( that one is just a tricky little bundle)
This is not including, my own divorce, my parents divorce, my father disappearing during my teens, and of course the abuse I endured as a child.
There are probably a few other incidentals I have forgotten for now, but I am sure we can now safely say.... it is time for a break. A full year without any thing nasty would be nice. I have learnt not to hold my breathe waiting for that. I am sure there are others out there who have suffered far worse than me... but this is my little whinge! Done!

P.S. J turns 14 tomorrow. Happy birthday my son!

Languages of Love

Is it love that I seek, or attention, is it unconditional acceptance. As a child, getting some ones attention makes us feel loved. As adults this can be true too. But not all attention is equal. My abusers gave me attention, and in some cases lots of it. So much so that I attached to one of them far more strongly than my own parents. But this was not love. True love would not take a child and put your needs ahead or a child's safety and sanity. That was merely grooming me, connecting with me and getting me to trust him, so that he had control and power. That was abuse of my innocence, but to this day I still yearn for that 'love'.

There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. In it Gary says that we feel and express love through one of the five languages of love. Some people feel loved through physical contact, like hugs. Enough hugs and cuddles, and these people will know you love them. For others it is buying of gifts, or quality time, word of affirmation, or acts of service. If we can know which language the important people in our lives feel love with , we can make sure they get what they need. We also can learn our own language and what makes us feel loved. Although we generally have a more dominant method of feeling loved, we can feel it through several forms. If I have a partner who needs quality time to feel loved and I am constantly showering them with gifts, because that is how I feel loved. Chances are they will not be feeling the fullness of the love I have to share with them. When I sit down quietly and make time with them to listen to what they have to say, or even do a fun activity they enjoy, they can see how important they are to me.
How many times have fathers gone out day after day working to earn money for their families, when all the family really wanted was time. It is an interesting thought. How we perceive love and its expression may not be that same as how others perceive it.
What I was taught was love, may not really be it. Sex is not love. It can be, but it often is not. The same with touching and holding. Telling me how pretty I am may not be love either. All the languages above can be used and as tool to gain influence over someone. They can feel like love, but it is only manipulation. On the other hand, there are those who love someone immensely and don't have the ability to effectively show it. Love can be a very illusive thing.
It is one of the essentials of life. We are responsible for showing someone love and not manipulation. It is one of life's hardest things bit one of its most needed.

Trying not to Love you.

I recently saw the tittle of a Nickleback album, and it hit me like a cold slap across the face. 'Trying not to love you'
I realised that I was doing exactly that. Trying NOT to love so many people in my life. Trying not to get to close. Because it will hurt.
Love is one of life's essential components - air, water, food and love. The necessities of life. With out them humans either do not survive. I have seemingly done well with the air, water and food parts of my life. ( although I still fight constantly with the food hate love relationship) But Love...that's a big one. My concept of love I think is not too bad. I know what it looks like when I see it, and I can pick where I don't have it ( generally). I give it liberally to my children, and hope like hell I will receive it from others. It is the one area of my life I feel I have missed out.
As a teen I got involved in the Christian church. Many teens search for meaning and understanding at this age, its nothing new. But I was searching for LOVE. I just needed to know a place where it existed, and in the place that I was in at the time I felt the christian god could give me that. My life has indeed been the search for love. Real, true and unconditional love. It has been quite a journey.
In my late 30's I married a man who for the very first time in my life showed me unconditional love. The first person who I felt accepted me just as I am. People say pets, such as dogs, can also give you unconditional love....but I remain a bit cynical about how truly altruistic that all is.
I feel that generally I am a pretty caring and loving person. Many say I have a mothers heart and naturally take people under my wing and care for them. I know that it is something I find natural to do.
But truly loving some one....letting them inside my darkened walls. Hmmm, now that is a different thing. I have always vowed to let love be my guide and to use it to make my decisions. Truly loving someone means letting them have a piece of you. A piece of the most precious part of you, your heart. If I give you that, you can of course take it and destroy it, or worse still you can take it, love it, I give you more and then you destroy it.
I admit I probably sound a bit jaded by life. Yes I have been through one marriage that ended due to my husband having an affair.
But with all the rest that life has handed out to me as well, I reserve the right to be jaded. Those that should of loved me from the beginning, either didn't or couldn't, and those that did show me love, did it for their own evil means. It is a very hard thing to learn to love and give and share. But most of all to Trust.

System Safety

System safety is paramount. A system is the name we often use to refer to all the Alters together. The protection of the internal functioning and all the alters is the most important thing. To many Multiples, the need and desire to maintian a functioning as a cohesive whole image is one of the highest priorities. We MUST  look normal. For us we try to look as age appropriate as possible, within some boundaries. We do not like our little ones out in public. We try our best to make every situation as normal as possible, and we watch people constantly to see how they behave in situations, so we have a clue as to how we should be behaving at that time.
 We had a very hard day a few days ago and stress levels were very high. As the internal distress increased to almost the point of panic, one of us stepped in to calm us all down. It was very affective and certainly made getting through the day a lot easier. In order to do this the pain, emotion and even some of the memory about the incident must be taken deep inside and hidden from view. It works for what it is intended, as it does calm us down, but the emotions and memories are not gone, just buried. It means I /we can function better and that we often don't remember all the abuse and trauma, but it  isn't healed either.
The next day we were exhausted, totally worn out. We had to spend the day relaxing and not doing much to get some energy back. We are not back to full strength today either. It has taken me a while to connect these together. When we are going through a very stressful time it drains us of so much, that it can take a couple of days to recover. The stress experienced in the body must be immense. I would hate to see my blood pressure during those times.

The voices within.

This is the full movie called 'The voices within-The lives of Truddi Chase'. I have just finished watching it. Truddi Chase is the one who's life is told in the book, 'When Rabbit howls'. It is a very hard book to read and there is quite a lot of mention of the trauma she went through. I have tried to read it but can never get though it.
When I found this on YouTube I thought I would give it a go. There were a few scenes which were a bit triggering but generally it was handled well. If you have a couple of hours up your sleeve and are interested, I recommend giving it a watch.
I found they dealt with the whole topic very well....although there is one mention of her being 'Dissassociative' instead of dissociative, which I always find frustrating.
Truddi refers to all her alters as the Troops. and gives a few brief explanations of their functions. I am glad as I was after a rough rundown of how here system worked. A friend had mentioned the other day that it seemed my system had a thing in common with Truddi's, so of course I wanted to check it out. There was no way I was going to the book to do that. But it has helped. I may disclose more later.

I am tired of feeling so numb. (possible trigger)

Some days it just hurts....and it doesn't seem to stop.
Some days I just wish someone would just leave their world for once, and come into mine and see how much I struggle to stay alive.

Your empty words don't heal me,
your cold arms don't give me relief .
I stand alone wondering my worth,
and you just walk on by.
You feed the doubt and hatred,
you tell me I am nothing.
You seem so proud of what you are doing,
of how you appease your guilt.
But deep inside you make no dent on my pain,
you only feed the doubt and hatred.

My insides feel like they are sliced to pieces,
so tender with pain.
It hurts to breathe,
it hurts to feel.
I do my best to make you happy,
but I am dying inside.
Can you see me,
do you care?
Will you enter my world,
.........for me!
Am I worth your time,
am I worth your love?
Am I worth the air I breathe,
or merely an inconvenience in your day.

No Safe place to hide.

The last post was a bit of a mess for which I apologise. I have been without a computer for a few days and have been trying to post on my tablet, with only partial success. But the computer is back to operation mode now, so off we go.
 It has been a rough couple of weeks from a Multiple perspective. Home and family are running pretty well, with no major complaints, but that doesn't mean inside is functioning well. We have had nearly 2 weeks of almost constant arguing and complaining coming from inside. Everything I do, say and wear is wrong. If something goes wrong on the outside then it is always our fault and the nagging voices begin in earnest. It is impossible to have my own thoughts and feelings without them being hijacked by someone else in my brain. There is no peace.
Advice from a friend to tell them to stop, both in calm and angered tones seems to have done nothing but get them more riled up. By lunch time yesterday I was openly yelling at them (in my car) that I had had enough and I don't want to be a multiple any more. I have had enough of the arguing and fighting and everything being my fault. I want to get out of here, I want time alone from everyone inside of here. I want to just spend a day without everyone around me.
 But of course that is not possible. We can not get out of the confines of the brain. We are always together, and we share so many of our thoughts and actions. It is something that gets so annoying. No private thoughts, not private moments when you can just think something through without someone commenting. Not having consistency in the day of who is going to be out, who will be next and will we remember the stuff we need to remember or will I be back out in two or three weeks and no one has done any of the things that needed to be done. It seems so futile to even wish for all these things, and I get so angry. But there is no where to run. No where to get away from everyone inside my head. No safe place to hide.