Fun?

I am not sure I really like weekends. I look on Facebook and hear about everyone having a great time with friends, drinking, partying, laughing. It frustrates me. I want to get together with friends and have a good time but at the same time I don't. I dont want to be with others who make me feel uncomfortable. I dont want to leave my house where I feel safe. I dont want to have to put on a front to try and be polite, and I dont want to be that uncomfortable that all I can think of is going home to rest. There is an internal struggle and fight over it all and what seems like a normal event can be such hard work. Yet I miss laughing and hanging out. There are times when having 20 people inside your head can be very lonely. I feel useless and lost. I feel disconnected, and like I don't fit in, like no one can understand me and how I am. That sort of acceptance  I find only at Bridges. I just feel like I don't fit, I am not able to just let go and have fun and relax. It is hard work to socialize and I wonder sometimes if it is worth it. Some days I feel like such a fraud, but then again I don't know that they could handle the truth. I am not sure I can.