Poems of pain (may trigger)

Scars

I have given a lifetime to come to know you,

I have swallowed tears, my hopes and dreams.

You have said you truly loved me,

But do you know what that really means.

This life has not been easy,

It has burned in me the scares.

Did you ever truly love me,

Did you ever go that far.

When you walked away you broke the bond,

A bond that’s meant to last.

You had your chance, and gave it up,

And now I’m free the past.

I will never miss you,

I’ve cried too many tears.

It’s hurt too much for me to feel,

The emptiness of years.

Scream

Is it I who truly hates you?

Is it I who leaves you condemned?

Is it I who had to find you?

Would this always be the end?

You have walked away and left me,

You have chosen path so free.

You have chosen to reject me,

Will you ever look back to me?

I have lived this life without you,

I have walked this life alone.

I have chosen my own freedom,

I have found within my home.

Some may say that I will miss you,

Some may say that I may grieve.

Some may say that I will hate you,

But you won’t hear me scream.

 

Cutting

,

I lie here bleeding,
But you cannot see me.

I lie here screaming,

But you cannot hear.

I lie here aching,

But you cannot feel me.

Is it hatred or is it fear.

Medical Letter

I had a medical appointment today with a new doctor. Any medical appointment can be scary but this one was with a Gynecologist. Yep it was time for my 2 yearly check and.....well.....you know, test women regularly have to have. Bacause of the trauma I have been through, this procedure is very traumatic and upsetting. Going to see a new doctor as well doesn't help.

Knowing that I wasn't going to enjoy the procedure and how hard it was going to be, I took advice from the book 'Got Parts?' by ATW
She recommends writing a letter to the doctor about my condition and explaining what I need, as far as limited touching and warning about procedures being performed. I was unsure if this was the right approach as I didn't want to be ostracized for having DID. I also thought that maybe I could fake it through the appointment and the Doctor would never know. The truth is I probably could fake it through the appointment without any obvious switching or dissociation, but I knew it was going to be traumatic and I hoped that if the Dr knew of my disorder, she may be able to somehow make it easier for me.
It worked, I took the letter in and gave it to the receptionist before I went in so the Doc would have time to read it before seeing me. I don't know what she would have been like had I not given her the letter, but she was very compassionate and understanding. She even took my trauma into account when it came to treating one of my medical conditions. The appointment was still traumatic, and  I have had a hard day since the appointment, but it was nice to know that I didn't have to worry about faking it through. I could be myself and she could understand. I am glad I gave the letter a try. So far I have had understanding and compassion from all the Medical staff I have told about my DID.
Below is a copy of the letter I used. It is based on the ones in the book with a few changes. I hope it can be of some help.

To Dr........... and, whom it may concern,

This letter is one which I write to all new health care providers to give then more information about my background.

I am a survivor of long term and extreme abuse. I am in a safe situation now, and am in therapy with a skilled clinician who specializes in working with trauma survivors. My diagnosis is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID – formally Multiple Personality Disorder), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Medical and health care appointments are often difficult and stressful, frightening and triggering for many parts. It would help me to stay present, focused and calmer if you were to call me by name from time to time, especially if I look like I am ‘spacing out’ or getting frightened. It would also be helpful if you would tell me ahead if time before you are going to touch me, or before you do anything, and explain beforehand what you are doing.

I hope you will be patient and know we are working hard to do something very difficult. In return we will always work to try to trust you and to be honest with you, and to cooperate in trying to take good care of our health.

If you have any concerns or questions, please call my therapist, ....................., at the address below. I am happy to sign a release of information if needed.

Thank you for your time and sensitivity to this matter.

Sincerely,

Sleep

It can sound so easy, just close your eyes and sleep. You can barely keep your eyes open anyway, so how hard can it be? HA!
Its been 5 weeks now and I have had only 2 nights of good sleep. My insomnia is kicking in big time. Last night I didn't get to sleep until about 5am. I slept for 4 hours and I am awake again. I am getting a little frustrated and cranky. I need a solid 8 hours to function well.
 I do suffer from restless leg syndrome, which doesn't help, and it can take me a few nights of not being able to get to sleep before I realize what the problem is. But even when that is under control, I still cant get to sleep. Many times it is a teenage alter who wants to stay up late and have some TV time. Sometimes it is a younger alter who doesn't feel safe in bed with my husband, (not his fault, just flashbacks and body memories) and sometimes I have absolutely no idea at all. I will doze off to sleep only to be woken a few seconds later by an alter who says, "I don't want to sleep now". I am so tired I doze off again only to be woken a few seconds later to the same comment. Once again the saying 'Life as a committee' has meaning. We all have to work together to decide on what we do. Not that easy when we are not all acquainted yet.

About 4am this morning, it was stinking hot and our air conditioner wasn't working, so I decided to read a book in our small pool. I was reading "Got Parts?" by ATW.
 It is a great book filled with fantastic information on DID. I highly recommend reading it if you haven't already. In the book they talk about getting to know your alters, mapping and timelines. Writing a timeline of your life of all the things you can remember and the events of your life. Mapping is getting each alter to write about them selves, on a piece of paper and then putting them together so as to get a better picture of who is there and what they do, like or want. I have done some basic mapping and timeline but I did not get each alter to write their own stuff. That is my plan from here. Hopefully it will help me to understand their needs and for us to work together to get some sleep. Now I think it is time for a nap!

Letter to my abuser.

Today I have posted a letter to one of my abusers. It is a big day. It is a day I stand up and not hide the secret any more.
Last week after much thought and consideration I wrote a letter on my computer for one of my abusers. I have known for some time where he lives and what he has done but really wasn't ready to do anything.
The writing of the letter was very cathartic and released a lot of the emotions I have been feeling. (For obvious reasons I will not post it here bit I will give you my thoughts if you are considering doing the same.)
 Firstly, writing a letter to your abuser/s can be very therapeutic. Many of us who have been through abuse were threatened with harm to ourselves or love ones if we told. Some of us were threatened with death. This is very intimidating for a young child, and there is no reason to believe that the adult will not carry out such threats. They have all the power, and so we keep the secret, and they are in control. As we mature and become adults, and are hopefully living a safe life, we realize that often we are still keeping the abuser's secret. Strangely even as adults, the abusers can still hold so much power. The fear of telling can be overwhelming, and many take that secret to the grave. Having the opportunity to get those secrets out can be a hard and painful experience, but it can also free you from the feeling of their control. For me it was a chance to say how it really affected me and to admit to myself that it was NOT OK.
This letter never needs to be sent. Once written it can be burnt, ripped up, or sent out to sea. It is the process of writing that has such a great affect. You may choose to keep it some where as a reminder that you are strong enough now to tell the secret, and in time you may be able to share it with someone you trust. If that is what you choose to do.
But for me, I wanted to let him know that I know, and that I am not willing to keep his secret any more. I also wanted to tell him how his actions had had a devastating affect on my life. I began my letter by explaining to him that I have DID as a result of years of ongoing abuse. I explained to him what it is and how it affects my every day life. Then I went one to tell him that this is the legacy he leaves behind. I didn't mince my words, I said it like it is, I want him to know the truth. I did not threaten him and I was very careful not to use words or terminology that could be considered threatening.( it is wise to take into consideration any legal ramifications on you, should they decide to take it further. There is no point getting your self into trouble with the law for their actions).
Once I was happy with what I had written I took it to my Therapist to get her opinion. We talked extensively about the pros and cons of sending it and anything she thought may be dangerous about the situation. (I just want to add that I never signed my name to the letter or used a return address) I am ultimately not expecting a reply as I am not even sure he will know who is sending it. My entire aim was to let him know the distruction he had caused in my life and possibly others. I hope it will make him uncomfortable.
Please Please Please, if you decide to write to your abuser and to send it, BE CAREFUL. Get advise from your therapist or someone you trust. Your safety is what is most important, and no one wants this to cause more harm than good. I suggest writing the letter and then letting it sit there for days, weeks or even months, so you have time you really consider what could happen. You have to right to be safe and feel safe. If writing and sending a letter is going to stop you from being safe or feeling safe, please don't do it.
I hope that my experiences can be of some help to others out there. I am not expecting anything to happen as a result of me sending it, but if it does I will keep you informed. Please be careful and kind to yourself, you are what is important here.

Fun?

I am not sure I really like weekends. I look on Facebook and hear about everyone having a great time with friends, drinking, partying, laughing. It frustrates me. I want to get together with friends and have a good time but at the same time I don't. I dont want to be with others who make me feel uncomfortable. I dont want to leave my house where I feel safe. I dont want to have to put on a front to try and be polite, and I dont want to be that uncomfortable that all I can think of is going home to rest. There is an internal struggle and fight over it all and what seems like a normal event can be such hard work. Yet I miss laughing and hanging out. There are times when having 20 people inside your head can be very lonely. I feel useless and lost. I feel disconnected, and like I don't fit in, like no one can understand me and how I am. That sort of acceptance  I find only at Bridges. I just feel like I don't fit, I am not able to just let go and have fun and relax. It is hard work to socialize and I wonder sometimes if it is worth it. Some days I feel like such a fraud, but then again I don't know that they could handle the truth. I am not sure I can.

Spouses

Today I have been reading an article written by Rob Spring from PODS. (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors) http://www.pods-online.org.uk/forbetterforworse.html
It is very well written and shows the trials and tribulations of living with someone with DID. Not only is it the every day struggle of having a spouse who changes from moment to moment, but also the after affects of the trauma.
My husband and I met on an online dating site nearly 5 years ago. Our first date consisted of meeting for coffee and then going on to see a movie. Before long we were inseparable, and spent most of our free time together. He is an amazing man and I quickly realized he was not like any other man I had ever met. I love spending time with him and he with me. 
At seemingly the perfect time in our relationship he informed me he had an ongoing health problem that could one day prove life threatening. I had to choose weather to continue in this relationship or to cut my losses and run. There was no guarantee how long he would live or remain healthy and I could, with in a few years, end up having to support him and our family. (together we have 5 boys). It was a decision I put a lot of thought into. In the end I obviously decided that to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all. For me it was the right decision. He is an amazing man. He has a generous and friendly nature. He is kind and honestly believes in treating others how he would like to be treated. On top of all the he is the very first person from whom I have experienced unconditional love. I have never felt so comfortable with any other person in my life. He is my best friend and I depend on him immensely.
All this happened years before my diagnosis of Dissociative Identity disorder. Back then I knew I heard voices but I thought every one did. I knew my head was a bit crazy at times but I really wasn't different to any one else. There was absolutely nothing to warn my husband about. I thought I was normal. As the years went on I began to feel safe, loved and accepted. The first time in my life I had known these things. Many people will tell you that this is the time when they start to remember past abuse, when they finally feel safe. It is because of his love and support that I was about to embark on a journey that would change our lives forever. A year ago I was diagnosed, and it has been an amazing learning experience for us both.

I know I am not easy to live with. I change, I am moody and there are most definitely days/weeks when there is nothing he can say or do that is right. I have Alters who have openly told me that my husband means nothing to them. I have other alters who see him as a father figure, and others who cannot stand him being around. Every day he walks in the front door he can be confronted with any one of these alters. He may have to be there for a scared and frightened child. He may find him self trying to give a kiss too a male teenage alter. (that never goes down well) Some days he can touch me and others he is to stay well away.
Then there is the trauma recovery. The body memories. The things that he innocently does as part of a loving marriage relationship that will instantly send me into a flashback or trigger dissociation or a switch. It is not an easy life to live, and he does it all with no warning of what is to come. He married a vibrant, intelligent, caring and self sufficient woman. Now he is married to at, last count, 20 Alternate personalities, and years and years of trauma recovery.
The tragedy of this disorder, and of child abuse, is that it affects many lives, not just that of the abused child. Those of us with DID are often referred to as resilient survivors, but our spouses are resilient too. They walk so much of this journey with us, and must face the reality of child abuse that most people would rather ignore. They too live the affects of Child abuse.
To my wonderful husband and the other amazing resilient spouses out there,
Thank you for sticking with it and for showing love when you are receiving nothing in return. I cannot promise and easy ride, but know that deep down, I am extremely grateful.

Anxiety

On Friday I started a 6 week course on Alleviating Anxiety. It was very interesting and helpful, even at this early stage. We talked about what causes anxiety, both physical and emotional factors. Like everyone I get anxious at the usual things, but I have an Alter or two who really get anxious. It has always been hard for me to understand why they are so upset when I do not perceive anything to cause the reaction. Anxiety is caused when the body perceives a threat. I realized that although I do not perceive something as a threat that does not mean my Alters feel the same about it. I do not remember most of my trauma but they do, and when I think about it in that way I can see why they react the way they do. They are reacting to the trauma that I do not see and get anxious. It has opened an area of understanding for me. I am now better able to understand where they are coming from and why they are acting as they do. Hopefully this will mean we can work together toward healing.

Complaints department closed!

Some days living this life is just too hard. This disorder can affect so much and I get tired of just trying to go on. A friend I know would probably tell me to take some time for my self and be kind, take a break. She is right of course, but I am grumpy anyway.
I hear my Alters, they talk to me as voices in my head, and if I am not doing as they like they will continue to winge and complain throughout the day until I either do what they want or they give up. It is not always easy to understand or hear what they are saying, so I can spend my time knowing they are upset and listening to a constant mumble of complaints. It is like someone constantly telling you that you are doing the wrong thing or not listening to them but at the same time not really knowing what it is you are supposed to be doing or what they want. It gets so tiring. My thoughts are not my own and my body and time is not my own.
I discussed this with my Therapist this morning and she said it was a bit like raising children. Children need to learn that sometimes when they want things they can have them right away, and at other times we are busy and they will need to wait till we have finished what we are doing before they can have what they want. Same goes for internal children. They too want attention now, and for me to take time for them whenever they want. That does not always work in with what is going on in my life. so I must help them to see that I will be with them soon but for now they must wait. Just like teaching an outside child to have to wait sometimes, so I must teach an inside child to do the same. And yes they may throw a tantrum, but in time if I stand by my word and do what I say I will do, they will hopefully come to trust that I will be there for them, but they don't have the right to take over when ever they want to. It all sounds good in theory, but I am sure any parent will tell you it is not always easy. I always wanted lots of children I just didn't expect it to happen quite this way.