I have been struggling the last week or so with stomach ache. Every day it is there and it gets worse whether I eat or don't eat. Even drinking water hurts. I found that by yesterday afternoon I was not even standing up straight as it was too painful. I have been trying to think about what I have been eating lately, we have had Christmas so maybe I have been eating too much junk food. Maybe I am ill and should see the Doctor? Amongst this I had about 24 hours of dizzy spells. They were strange ones though, they only occurred when I was not concentrating on something or if I was lying down with my eyes closed. Once I clued into what was happening it didn't take long for me to figure it out. The dizzy spells are caused by an alter who is trying to communicate something to me. I took some time to myself and started writing in my journal. After half an hour of non stop writing about nothing much in particular and a small nap, the dizzy spells have gone.
The stomach ache is much harder. It is caused by stress. Now given it is holidays and I am really not doing that much each day I am inclined to wonder what is causing me stress. Apparently it doesn't always take much. With the boys home from school and hubby home from work, I am not getting my usual time alone.
We also have two baby cockateels that we are hand feeding, as they keep jumping out of the nest box and mum wont feed them. There is an amazing amount of apricots coming off our tree and that has kept me busy with making jam (my first time) and drying. I have been in far more stress than this in my life, but it seems to be taking hold at the moment. It could be one alter who suffers with it more than others. I am not quite sure.
A friend told me of a great product for helping to make me feel less agitated., It doesn't smell the best but it will decrease the pain to a bearable level. Its called 'Melissa Oil" and you can get it from HERE. It is also good for helping me sleep and for decreasing an anxiety attack when it starts. I recommend it.
For today I am trying not to worry about anything...(not that easy) and to do some fun things I enjoy so as to be a bit more stress free.
31 December, 2011
26 December, 2011
Losing Time
Losing time is when we dissociate to the point where we switch so a different alter is in control and we are not aware or conscious of what is going on while they are in control. After sometime we can switch back. These times can go on for years or moments or anything in between. I have heard stories of multiples who come back from lost time years later to find their life is totally different, as the alter who was in charge all those years changed their life completely. Imagine sitting on the couch watching TV and then seeming to 'come too' in a shopping center and its a week later. You have no idea how you got there or what you have been doing, and the last time you were conscious you were home watching TV. Did you go to work, who has been looking after the kids etc. It is very scary and probably one of the worst part of having DID. But again it is a survival technique for DID.
Earlier on in my Blog I mentioned that I don't lose time, I was wrong. I don't lose a lot of time but I do lose it. I have lost it driving my car. For me it is like suddenly coming out of blackness to reality. It is very scary, but when it happened in my car, I was still driving fine and heading down the road as if nothing had happened. It was not, however, that same piece of road I had been on minutes ago.
It is not uncommon to have someone in a system who will watch what is going on with the body and will help ease the fear and panic after a time loss by showing or telling what has just happened. Therefore making it seem as if time was not really lost at all. Stress can increase times of time loss, triggers are also causes. For some it is very frequent, for others, not so much, but either way it is part of the DID experience.
Earlier on in my Blog I mentioned that I don't lose time, I was wrong. I don't lose a lot of time but I do lose it. I have lost it driving my car. For me it is like suddenly coming out of blackness to reality. It is very scary, but when it happened in my car, I was still driving fine and heading down the road as if nothing had happened. It was not, however, that same piece of road I had been on minutes ago.
It is not uncommon to have someone in a system who will watch what is going on with the body and will help ease the fear and panic after a time loss by showing or telling what has just happened. Therefore making it seem as if time was not really lost at all. Stress can increase times of time loss, triggers are also causes. For some it is very frequent, for others, not so much, but either way it is part of the DID experience.
24 December, 2011
Do we have to remember?
Yesterday we had our Christmas break up for Bridges. It was a casual time with yummy food, to chat and discuss whatever came up. We had much discussion on many topics but one that did come up was the subject of remembering trauma. Is is essential for treatment? This can be especially interesting question for a multiple who does not remember much of the trauma. I have only a very few memories of the trauma, most of the memories are well hidden by my alters.
Question being, do I need to dredge up the memories of the past to heal? Does every alter need to reveal the secrets they hold, in order for me to move on.
There are many trains of thought on this as you can probably imagine. Those that believe that the past is better off left where it is.
Memories are interesting things, and the mind has an amazing ability and desire to protect us. Memories are rarely stored in complete form. By this I mean that a memory may be nothing more than a feeling, or part of an activity. People often don't have faces, or even different faces from what they should. A memory of a traumatic event may be stored with none of the emotion attached with it, so that you can see it but not have any recall of the feelings felt at the time. Memories can often be stored out of sequence. With all of this confusion why even bother with remembering what has happened. Can it be trusted?
Others who of course think that in order to heal we must know what is hidden in the past.
The past certainly affects the future, and seems in a sense logical to know what has happened and to allow the body to heal of the trauma. Trauma can have a very dramatic affect on the body. The body remembers things done to it where there are often not words to express it. A flinch away from a certain touch, a dislike of a type of food. We may not know why we are reacting this way, but the body does and this can last for years. Especially if the trauma is experienced in childhood and no treatment is received. It can become in ground into our behaviour, with no logical reasoning behind it. I have never like people putting their hand on the back of my neck. It creeps me out and I have to get it off immediately. I never really knew why. (I do now!)
Whichever opinion you may have, one thing is thing is seems to be true. When the time is right, and/or the need is there, the memories will resurface. It can be dangerous to force people to remember traumatic events before they are ready. It can traumatize them further, and cause even more problems. It is not uncommon for many child abuse survivors to not remember their abuse at all until their late 30's or 40's. This of course causes a problem if you want to prosecute the abuser, but it is a protection mechanism for the survivor. By this time in life they are often feeling safer and stronger than before, and emotionally better able to deal with what has happened.
In my own case, I knew for years that something had happened to me but I could never remember what. I often searched to internet for ways to open up my memory, I even saw a councilor or two to see if they could help me figure out what had happened to me. Repeatedly the same message came through,"when you are ready you will remember." It was very frustrating, but it is true.
When I hit my 40's, I was in a stable and loving marriage, in a nice home, my children were getting older, and the truth started to reveal itself. Although I wanted to know earlier, I really wasn't ready. I didn't have the support systems I was going to need and I was not emotionally able to deal with the truth.
Remember one thing above all else, human beings are designed to survive and they will do almost anything to make that happen, both physically and mentally. Protecting you is what it is all about. When you are safe, it can relax and let things go, until then, it must protect you from what ever it feels is here to hurt you. As frustrating as it is, be patient, chances are, you are moving at the right pace for you. In time, what needs to be reveled will.
Question being, do I need to dredge up the memories of the past to heal? Does every alter need to reveal the secrets they hold, in order for me to move on.
There are many trains of thought on this as you can probably imagine. Those that believe that the past is better off left where it is.
Memories are interesting things, and the mind has an amazing ability and desire to protect us. Memories are rarely stored in complete form. By this I mean that a memory may be nothing more than a feeling, or part of an activity. People often don't have faces, or even different faces from what they should. A memory of a traumatic event may be stored with none of the emotion attached with it, so that you can see it but not have any recall of the feelings felt at the time. Memories can often be stored out of sequence. With all of this confusion why even bother with remembering what has happened. Can it be trusted?
Others who of course think that in order to heal we must know what is hidden in the past.
The past certainly affects the future, and seems in a sense logical to know what has happened and to allow the body to heal of the trauma. Trauma can have a very dramatic affect on the body. The body remembers things done to it where there are often not words to express it. A flinch away from a certain touch, a dislike of a type of food. We may not know why we are reacting this way, but the body does and this can last for years. Especially if the trauma is experienced in childhood and no treatment is received. It can become in ground into our behaviour, with no logical reasoning behind it. I have never like people putting their hand on the back of my neck. It creeps me out and I have to get it off immediately. I never really knew why. (I do now!)
Whichever opinion you may have, one thing is thing is seems to be true. When the time is right, and/or the need is there, the memories will resurface. It can be dangerous to force people to remember traumatic events before they are ready. It can traumatize them further, and cause even more problems. It is not uncommon for many child abuse survivors to not remember their abuse at all until their late 30's or 40's. This of course causes a problem if you want to prosecute the abuser, but it is a protection mechanism for the survivor. By this time in life they are often feeling safer and stronger than before, and emotionally better able to deal with what has happened.
In my own case, I knew for years that something had happened to me but I could never remember what. I often searched to internet for ways to open up my memory, I even saw a councilor or two to see if they could help me figure out what had happened to me. Repeatedly the same message came through,"when you are ready you will remember." It was very frustrating, but it is true.
When I hit my 40's, I was in a stable and loving marriage, in a nice home, my children were getting older, and the truth started to reveal itself. Although I wanted to know earlier, I really wasn't ready. I didn't have the support systems I was going to need and I was not emotionally able to deal with the truth.
Remember one thing above all else, human beings are designed to survive and they will do almost anything to make that happen, both physically and mentally. Protecting you is what it is all about. When you are safe, it can relax and let things go, until then, it must protect you from what ever it feels is here to hurt you. As frustrating as it is, be patient, chances are, you are moving at the right pace for you. In time, what needs to be reveled will.
22 December, 2011
Flashbacks and Christmas.
Life has held a few challenges for me lately. One of the hardest being flashbacks. You never know when they will occur and how disturbing they will be. There are times when I just want to spend the rest of the day crying in bed.
After some rather upsetting flashbacks the other day, all I could keep saying to my Therapist is "how does someone live through this." How does a child keep going after these things happen to them? I was heart broken, it all seemed too much to bare. Too much for a person, let alone a child to experience.
My therapist told me how I survived, what got me through and to this day I am still not sure it has really clicked together in my head. I survived by dissociating and splitting. Letting other 'people' take the abuse and memories while I got on with life. I guess it sounds so simple and obvious to everyone but strangely not too me. You see, I forget everyone isn't like me. I forget that everyone's brain doesn't work like mine. To me I am normal, this is how all people function. So when I see the trauma, it is amazing that you can live with that and move on.
I may not be making much sense at this time, and I am not sure how to explain it. I guess I was lucky to dissociate and split, it kept me alive and living. Sometimes reality is really hard to comes to terms with.
Its only a few days to Christmas now, and everyone is getting busy. I know that for many people Christmas is a very hard time. While people are getting together with family members, many of us are alone. Many more are spending time with people that they don't feel connected to, or that may even be their abusers. Please, please take care this year. Be kind to your self and do something for yourself. Something you enjoy. Make it a safe Christmas and special in your own way. I will be thinking of you. If you get particularly lonely please send me an email, I would love to hear from you.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and that 2012 is a year of healing and hope for us all.
After some rather upsetting flashbacks the other day, all I could keep saying to my Therapist is "how does someone live through this." How does a child keep going after these things happen to them? I was heart broken, it all seemed too much to bare. Too much for a person, let alone a child to experience.
My therapist told me how I survived, what got me through and to this day I am still not sure it has really clicked together in my head. I survived by dissociating and splitting. Letting other 'people' take the abuse and memories while I got on with life. I guess it sounds so simple and obvious to everyone but strangely not too me. You see, I forget everyone isn't like me. I forget that everyone's brain doesn't work like mine. To me I am normal, this is how all people function. So when I see the trauma, it is amazing that you can live with that and move on.
I may not be making much sense at this time, and I am not sure how to explain it. I guess I was lucky to dissociate and split, it kept me alive and living. Sometimes reality is really hard to comes to terms with.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and that 2012 is a year of healing and hope for us all.
13 December, 2011
What a day!
Throughout my day yesterday it was in my mind and I spent most of the day feeling close to tears. It had answered some questions for me but also created some more. There will be plenty to talk about when I see my Therapist tomorrow.
On top of that, I had troubles with one of my sons who is not making the wisest choices at the moment. I had a very very long week previous to this, trying to get advice on how to deal with his situation. It is one of those nasty ones where he is pretty much grounded from everything until further notice, and he, of course, hates me.
It can take a lot to be stable enough to deal with all this at times. While all my Alters love and accept my boys, not all of them know how to handle a situation that may arise. If things get too heavy and I am having trouble coping, I can (not by choice) switch to Denial who makes the world seem all Roses and Rainbows and truly makes me believe all is fine. Sounds like a nice place to be, and at times it is, but it is not an affective method of parenting. Also not helpful when you have calls to make and people to see. Suddenly all is well and the problem doesn't exist any more. Denial has helped me many times before in just getting through life. When the truth of the abuse comes too close to the surface, she takes over and it becomes merely some strange dream or story I made up, and very quickly and easily forgotten. In reality I should be very grateful for her help. Without her I would never have made it this far. She has made life enjoyable, bearable, manageable. I can believe it is all a bad dream and life really is good and I am truly happy.
To top off my day yesterday, my dog decided to raid the rubbish bin and eat about 6 moldy sandwiches that had been in my sons school bag for at least 3 months. Not a wise move, but then again, when are dogs wise, well mine isn't anyway. Within a few hours she was vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. We drove her down to the nearest emergency pet hospital, where they said she needed to be on a drip over night to help wash the toxins out of her system. They also gave her muscle relaxants to stop the shaking and help her sleep. I picked her up today, paying $850.00 and brought her home. She is totally back to normal and following our chooks around eating their poo. Very gross dog!!
08 December, 2011
Multiples
To those of you who are not multiples, the DID world must seem rather confusing. ( it is confusing for us too) Well her comes some more to confuse you. It is not uncommon for there to be sub groups within a system.
As you know we generally call our group of alters a system or family. I use system. This system can have sub groups which are separated for various reasons and in various ways. If the child suffered trauma over time from different groups of people or in different ways, it is possible for the child to develop different groups of alters to deal with the different dangers they face.
These groups may not be aware of the other groups and there is often no communication between the groups. A multiple can function for years with just one alter being forward, so it is also possible to function for long periods of time with only alter from one group being forward.
That could mean that if you have a DID friend or family member, and you are getting to know some of their alters, that one day the whole group could switch and you are starting again with another lot. The other alters haven't disappeared, they have just gone away for now and another group of alters are dealing with things for now. Yes it is confusing, and yes it is a lot of work to live with and figure out, but once you get a handle on it, it makes so much more sense. Remember, the idea behind DID is to protect the child/person and keep them functioning as well as possible, and not to be detected. Flexibility is the key.
It is common for multiples to be a bit like chameleons, in that we can often change to suite the environment we are in. I have often arrived at an event and stood there totally lost because I don't know who to be. For non multiples you would probably say "just be your self" but for multiples there are many 'selves' we can be and it is not always easy to find the right one to be out at the right time.
As you know we generally call our group of alters a system or family. I use system. This system can have sub groups which are separated for various reasons and in various ways. If the child suffered trauma over time from different groups of people or in different ways, it is possible for the child to develop different groups of alters to deal with the different dangers they face.
These groups may not be aware of the other groups and there is often no communication between the groups. A multiple can function for years with just one alter being forward, so it is also possible to function for long periods of time with only alter from one group being forward.
That could mean that if you have a DID friend or family member, and you are getting to know some of their alters, that one day the whole group could switch and you are starting again with another lot. The other alters haven't disappeared, they have just gone away for now and another group of alters are dealing with things for now. Yes it is confusing, and yes it is a lot of work to live with and figure out, but once you get a handle on it, it makes so much more sense. Remember, the idea behind DID is to protect the child/person and keep them functioning as well as possible, and not to be detected. Flexibility is the key.
It is common for multiples to be a bit like chameleons, in that we can often change to suite the environment we are in. I have often arrived at an event and stood there totally lost because I don't know who to be. For non multiples you would probably say "just be your self" but for multiples there are many 'selves' we can be and it is not always easy to find the right one to be out at the right time.
02 December, 2011
Jaycee Dugard
Just wanted to let everyone know I am feeling much better now. It has taken a bit of work and with a few tears but we are getting there. As is the way with parenting, the job is never over and you spend the rest of their lives worrying about them. At least for now the crisis period is passing and I can breath again. Yay!
I found a book the other day that I have been wanting to read for a while. It is called "A Stolen life" by Jaycee Dugard.
Jaycee is the woman who at 11years old was abducted and held captive for nearly 20years. She has had 2 children to her abuser Phillip Garrido. He is now in prison. Her story is an honest and open depiction of what she suffered at the hands of a very sick individual, yet it is so hopeful and inspiring. Something that really touched me in her book is a bit about hate.
"In my heart I do not hate Phillip. I don't believe in hate. To me it wastes too much time. People who hate waste so much of their life hating that they miss out on all the other stuff out there. I do not choose to live my life that way. What is done is done. I am looking to the future. For the first time in a long time I get to look to the future instead of the present. I have lived one day to next never daring to look ahead. I never knew what was going to happen. If all of my heart was filled up with hate and regrets and what ifs, then what else would it have room for? I wont say every day has been glorious and wonderful, but even on the bad fays I can still say one thing -I am free...free to be the person I want to be...free to say I have my family and now new friends...I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......"
As a survivor of abuse it is so easy to hate those who hurt me. I can not say that I am as well healed as Jaycee is yet, but she truly inspires me to try. My favourite part is where she says .."I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......" I hold on to these words, they give me strength.
Thanks you Jaycee for writing your story, is inspiring.
I highly recommend reading it if you can. There is mention of some of what she went through and I know that can be triggering for some. Please feel free to contact me if you want any further details.
On the road to healing!
I found a book the other day that I have been wanting to read for a while. It is called "A Stolen life" by Jaycee Dugard.
Jaycee is the woman who at 11years old was abducted and held captive for nearly 20years. She has had 2 children to her abuser Phillip Garrido. He is now in prison. Her story is an honest and open depiction of what she suffered at the hands of a very sick individual, yet it is so hopeful and inspiring. Something that really touched me in her book is a bit about hate.
"In my heart I do not hate Phillip. I don't believe in hate. To me it wastes too much time. People who hate waste so much of their life hating that they miss out on all the other stuff out there. I do not choose to live my life that way. What is done is done. I am looking to the future. For the first time in a long time I get to look to the future instead of the present. I have lived one day to next never daring to look ahead. I never knew what was going to happen. If all of my heart was filled up with hate and regrets and what ifs, then what else would it have room for? I wont say every day has been glorious and wonderful, but even on the bad fays I can still say one thing -I am free...free to be the person I want to be...free to say I have my family and now new friends...I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......"
As a survivor of abuse it is so easy to hate those who hurt me. I can not say that I am as well healed as Jaycee is yet, but she truly inspires me to try. My favourite part is where she says .."I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I am strong and want to continue writing my story......" I hold on to these words, they give me strength.
Thanks you Jaycee for writing your story, is inspiring.
I highly recommend reading it if you can. There is mention of some of what she went through and I know that can be triggering for some. Please feel free to contact me if you want any further details.
On the road to healing!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)