How does it all work in there?

Hi every one,
I haven't posted in a while, life has been a bit busy. I have had quite the social life, which is great. On top of that I have also lost a couple of days to Anxiety attacks, no fun at all. This week is looking to be a bit of a quieter week so hopefully I can catch up on a bit of blogging and share some of the great things I have been learning on this crazy journey.
As I may have mentioned previously I have a 13year old son who is very curious about my disorder, and asks me many questions about what it is like and how it works. During on of your deep chats about DID he asked me how all the Alters work together and change around. How do they function. I came up with an analogy that I think works pretty well and want to share it here so it may help others to get a better grasp of how a DID brain can work.

Imagine a Combi Van, grab a handful of people and put them in the van. One of those people will drive the van, one may sit next to them. The passenger may just watch where they are going of maybe give directions. They may even pull the steering wheel to try and get the driver to go where they want. The rest of the people are in the back of the van. depending on where they are sitting and if the can see out the windows they may or may not be aware of what is going on and where they are going. They may yell to the driver to go somewhere or slow down. Then right at the back of the van, you may have one or two fast asleep totally unaware of what is happening and where they are going. There may not really even be aware that there are others in the van. At various times throughout life's journey different people may want to drive, or have a greater say in what they do or where they go. They may chose to swap seats with the driver and the driver may be tired and go have asleep at the back.
I am sure you are getting the picture. The Combi van is obviously the mind/body and the people are the Alters. Depending on what is happening they may be relaxing at the back, or acting like kids in the back of the car. All wanting their voice to be heard on what they think should be happening.
It can get pretty noisy in there and chaotic, and good luck to the driver with all that going on. Not everyone with DID hears all the chaos but I think this is a pretty good description of how my situation works and from what I hear form others, it suits them too.
I hope that has given you a better understanding of how we work.
If you have DID and have any other analogies please share them here. I would love to hear your ideas.

Parental Denial

I was commenting the other day at Bridges about how when we disclose our diagnosis to friends and family, particularly family, their response is often some what deflating. Sometimes they take it like it is a weather report. "Hmm that's not good dear!" Subsequent updates on our progress can often deliver the same response. This can of course be a little disappointing when we are expecting our family to be there for us and understanding.
It seems this is often a common response  from family and after exchanging a few of our own experiences with each other we concluded that maybe it was a case of parental denial.
What parent wants to accept that their child is ill or has been abused. Its not easy to take. Maybe they too are struggling to deal with their own denial. Maybe they have hidden their suspicions for years and just hoped they were wrong. I guarantee most parents feel at least some level of guilt for in some way allowing this to happen.
As I mentioned in my previous post, denial must be tacked slowly and when the person is ready. I know we may need or want their support right away, but maybe they need some time to come to grips with what has happened too. There may be a rare few who really just don't care, but I would say most would be now wondering to some to degree or another..what do I do now?

De'Nile, a beautiful place to live!

 Last night I attended my first meeting of Support for Adult survivors of Child abuse. It is run a bit differently from the other groups I attend, and as usual I was nervous going for the first time. Fortunately one of the ladies I know from my Bridges group was there to make me feel more comfortable.
How did I go? Hmmmm, interesting question......it was quite a revealing night. I have felt for most of my life that I had been abused, and of course it is confirmed when I get into therapy with my Psychologist. I have also felt I was pretty accepting of that and the affects it has had on me.

How wrong was I!!!!

The biggest thing I realized last night was that I am in major denial!!

"De'Nile" is a beautiful place to be. Palm trees, blue water, and a selection of interesting sights to see. Nothing bad happens there.
But we all know what does happen, eventually you must leave and return to reality. I'm not sure I like reality...it can seem so harsh.

As the first person started to speak at the SASCA meeting, about how we are not to blame for what happened to us, and how much it affects us even on through adult life. I was thinking to myself "it wasn't that bad, it didn't have that much of an affect on me". It took me a few seconds to realize the stupidity of this statement given my diagnosis of DID, and the life long problems I have faced, like Depression and anxiety. As the meeting went on and I listened to more and more stories of how survivors are coping with life, it really sank in.
We had also been discussing in Bridges the other day, how it is often easy to accept that we had a "bad childhood" or to say "my childhood wasn't that good" or even for us Multiples.."my alter was abused". These things are not that hard to accept because it does not involve connecting it directly to us. To think of one of my alters as being abused pushes it away and makes it feel like it has happened to some one else.(even though they are still a part of me)
But one of the hardest things to say is......"I was abused",
"I had an abusive childhood."
"Someone took advantage of me in a horrible way and I still carry very deep scars."
By talking about it in the 3rd person it makes it easier, it didn't really happen to me, it was just someone I know.
But when we take hold of it and acknowledge it was us...we need to face the truth. The truth that someone we knew, who we trusted and loved, used and hurt us. That those who were meant to be there to protect us, weren't. But most of all we must face the anger and pain. The pain we have fought so hard for so long to forget.
I can understand why I have spent so much time in denial, and why I am reluctant even now to leave its warm embrace. What person would want to live through that? But we must, this is healing, and from all accounts of those who have gone before us... it is worth it! It is hard, and even cruel, and not something we should even have to deal with. But we do and it is worth it!


 I cannot say I am ready to give up my denial. I also know I can not make it happen before I am ready. But at least now I am one step closer to seeing the truth and being able to face reality.
I may miss the palm trees, blue water and scenic views, but in the end I will be able to see a much better view, maybe with tropical waters, sandy beaches, and hopefully without fear, anger and pain.

Flashbacks

The other day at Bridges we were discussing a few very interesting topics one of which being Flashbacks. I thought it was important to explain exactly what we mean when we say 'some one had a flashback'. Modern movies often portray a flashback in some one's life as a bit like having a movie playing in your head. While very entertaining for TV purposes, that is not generally what happens. I often wish it was.
Flashbacks can be seeing a quick flash of a picture in your head of something that happened in your past. It can be a smell, or a feeling, maybe just a sense of touching someone else's skin. An emotion, a sense of warmth, not being alone, or being alone. They are often vague and can be hard to grasp their meaning. Often it is hard to know what they mean until they are put together with other flashbacks or memories.
Flashbacks can be filled with lots of emotions or no emotion at all. They can last not more than a second of for a few minutes and they do not always happen when you want them too or when it is convenient to have them.
When your mind is ready it will  release the secrets of your past....and not a second before.

Dissociation is....

Today I just wanted to post this great poem by Sarah K Reece.

Enjoy

 Poem - Dissociation Is

Posted: 12 Oct 2011 04:41 PM PDT

To touch life with gloves on

To sit at a banquet and taste only ash

The void into which I fall

Colours turning grey.

To touch life with gloves on

Nerves burned out by fire

A room with walls so thick I cannot hear the screaming

To sail my little boat away from shores of pain

To drown in that empty place

To feel dead.

To touch life with gloves on

Mirrors that lie to me

Memories that fall like snow

Not knowing if I'm dreaming or awake

To always be alone

To always be lost and looking for home.

To touch life with gloves on

To laugh at pain

To be wild with recklessness

To never flinch

To turn my face from the world

To stand in sunshine and see only night

To ask 'are you there?' and not hear the answer

To become so cold that I never feel cold again

To be haunted by life

To be forever falling

To touch life with gloves on.

Revelation

I was at Bridges (DID support group) the other day and one of the ladies that was attending the group mentioned an organization called "Adult survivors of Child Abuse". A few days ago I got on the internet to look them up. I found some great information about the services they offer. On of the things they run is meetings, run by facilitators who have been through Child abuse themselves, where survivors can get together and support each other through the journey of healing. Their motto is "From Survivor to Thriver".  
http://www.ascasupport.org/index.php
I suddenly occurred to me that I had really not been putting much time into the cause of my problem but instead spending most of my time in dealing with a rather strong and overwhelming symptom. My DID.
I realized that perhaps I had it the wrong way around. Yes I do need to spend time learning more about my disorder and how to function with it, but I also need to deal with the cause. Years of abuse had got me this way and had obviously affected my life, maybe I should put some more time into working on the abuse recovery.
It was quite a revelation for me as I guess DID had taken so much of my attention because it is affecting my day to day life and is so hard to forget. Where as the trauma is something I would much rather forget and avoid.
For now a new area of my journey begins. Don't think this is going to be an easy one but eventually rewarding.

Being Human

I don't know if anyone else has the same problem as me, but I forget to just be human. I spend so much of my time thinking about my Disorder, reading about it and Dealing with the trauma that I forget I am a human being just like everyone else and I need to have fun times too.

I haven't done many social things for a while because I really haven't felt up to dealing with others without bursting into tears. Last night I had a group of friends around for a fun evening of home shopping. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. It was a wonderful opportunity to catch up with some old friends and enjoy good times.
For several hours, my voices stopped, my mind was clear and I was enjoying the fun and jokes of the evening. For several hours I was not a broken discarded person fighting her way through recovery, but a normal woman having fun with friends. It was wonderful. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it.
I guess in all of this I am trying to learn that my disorder doesn't define me. It affects me, but it is not all of me. I need to laugh and forget just like everyone else. 

Yes I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, yes I am recovering from trauma, but I am also a fun vibrant woman who loves to laugh with some amazing friends. I just need to remember........... to live!!

Less than perfect.

At what point in our lives do we realize, we didn't have a perfect childhood.

Now, I am understating it again. 'Perfect' Who could say their childhood or life for that matter was perfect. Very few people I suspect, if any. We may indeed be able to find quite a lot more who would say they had a good life or childhood, and probably more again who would say 'it wasn't a bad childhood'. At what point in our lives do we come to the true understanding that our childhood was not good at all but indeed bad.
For some, it is probably something that stays with you in constant thought forever, but for some i.e. ME, this truth is hidden in dissociation and loss of memory. I always new it wasn't the best, my parents were divorced and my father disappeared leaving us with no knowledge of where he was. That would cause problems for anyone, and would of course be reason enough for a child to feel deserted.
As time and of course Therapy goes on I realize and remember more and more of the past that has helped to shape me, and it is not good at all.
You have probably guessed by now that I had a session today with my Therapist, and we uncovered some interesting truths. I realize that there is more to this dissociated individual than I first thought and that it may be that I may have learned to dissociate much younger than I previously understood to be true. And that those who I thought were innocent were not. I must clarify that last sentence. Deep down I knew and always suspected there was more to this than I had wanted to consider. But the human brain does what it can to protect us, and I have always tried to see the good in people and not believe the bad.
It hurts, really hurts when you realize your life, your start in this would, perhaps from day one, was not at all good. That this way of survival is all you have ever known for a reason, and although you are a normal human being, your life is far from normal.

I want to name names, but I cant. I want to able to say, but it is not time. I do wonder 'why me', 'what did i do to deserve this' I know I shouldn't, but I do, through every part of my being. It seems my fault.

There is a song by an Aussie artist Belinda Emmett, that she wrote while she was dying of cancer in her early 30's.
called "Less than Perfect".   It really touched me, here it is.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu04Q6RT8-I

 That's how I feel ...Less than perfect, living a life that is less than perfect.








 "So here I am, with my less than perfect life.
Here I stand , with my less than perfect life."

Not today

Today has been a bit of a tough day. Haven't felt the best physically and ended up not feeling the best mentally too. I tried to help my hubby by trying to organize what to have for dinner. Once again I ended up standing in the kitchen with an internal argument about what to eat and do. The problem being it wasn't loud enough for me to clearly hear and I ended up in tears. I have spent the rest of the evening wanting to curl up and cry. Really have very little understanding of why except that someone on the inside has issues with the food I was wanting to eat.I go through fazes of only wanting to eat total junk food and the thought of eating anything healthy turns my stomach. At the same time eating only junk doesn't leave me feeling that good either. Maybe today is just one of those days where I just should have stayed in bed.