Update

So much going on at the moment. I have found a house and we are in the process of moving in. We (alters) have been in an emotional shut down for most of this. It has served us well as we have been able to get a lot done with little or no event. But as the final day comes for moving in the reality is beginning to hit. Fear is as usual the biggest. Today i'm not coping so well. I'm very scared, and I feel like I just want a big warn hug and someone to tell me its all going to be ok. I don't feel particularly sure of myself at the moment and any reassurance would be a good thing. I just want to cry. I am so angry this even had to happen. My life is not even close to where I thought it was going to go. I would never have been able to see this all coming. As much as we shouldn't let the past rule the future, as a multiple I feel there will always be an element for which this will happen. Just by being many I am affected by the past actions of others. I am starting to see the world from a very different angle. My life is less my own than I had first thought. Yes I have control over where I choose to go but with me I take all those inside me. Like raising a family I must make decisions that work for all of us not just what I want. And then there are my outside family I must think of. I am merely one of many who's desires and needs will be put into the pot with all the others to be taken into account. I am one of many, I will never be just me. Maybe that is a good thing, I don't know but I do feel a bit lost in a crowd.

work to be done

We told the boys about our separation on Friday. It was not an easy thing to do. My youngest was in shock and it took him a couple of days to come back to himself. I can cope with stuffing up my life but it is never easy to do some thing that is gong to affect my boys lives negatively. The hunt now goes on for a place to live and a realtor to sell our house. On the DID side of things, everyone has gone  into lock down. We are not dealing with any past issues, all we can do at the moment is focus on the world and issues around us, and get through. In some ways it feels easier as only the most functioning alters are out at the moment. We think clearly, have a good memory and achieve things. But I know so much more is missing. I do worry about my ability to cope once I move out, and what will happen, but for now it is all about getting the things we need done achieved. Some days we do get so tired and lonely, and I want to just cry.

Parting Ways

Being a multiple can be very difficult. Most days choosing breakfast and what to wear in the morning, can be a major operation in conflict resolution. Minor things become major. With this constant battle inside, you can imagine how hard it can be to deal with the"outside" world. Living a life with a family with their own demands and stresses only adds to the chaos. Things have not been easy for me on the home front. Step families are always a big challenge and teenagers add to the"fun". Hubby and I have been struggling in a few areas for a while, and as time goes on its not getting better. We have decided to separate. We feel that while we are good as friends, we just don't work as a married couple. We have been in each others lives for nearly 6 years and we have had many good times. But there are just some issues that we can't seem to resolve, even with professional help. This is going to be a hard time with many changes, and I will need to depend on my friends immensely. I will do my best to keep blogging regularly but if it drops off please understand I will have a lot to do. As a group, (Alters) there is a lot to process through all the layers, and I am not yet sure how we will go. I suspect there will be quite a few tears to come. I will keep you all up to date as best I can.