Post Op.

Hi everyone, it has been 2 1/2 weeks since my operation and I am doing really well. I haven't posted before now as I have been trying to let my DID fade into the background as much as possible so that I didn't trigger too much, and I could focus on getting physically well without having to deal with too much switching.
The surgery was physically very successful and by all accounts I am healing very well. I am back to doing most of the things I would normally do, just avoiding stretching and heavy lifting.

Mentally the whole surgery was hard work. I was very open with the medical staff about my DID and it seems to have been the right thing for me to do. I wanted to keep my teddy with me for as long as possible going into to operation and then to have it with me in recovery. I asked the surgeon if this was possible and why, she was very understanding. When the anesthetist came to talk to me before the op, I again explained my situation and that I was very scared, and he was great. He spoke to me very kindly and even engaged me in conversation about my bear and how often I needed him. I don't remember being in recovery, so I didn't have to worry about that. I just remember waking up in my room.
I had a private room which are apparently kept for patients with higher needs. Physically I didn't have higher needs but I wonder if my DID helped me to get the room. It was much easier having the room to myself. It gave me a chance to have time alone and as I didn't sleep well at night, I could watch TV and talk to my alters without disturbing other patients. All in all a positive experience.

I did meet 3 new alters in the hospital and learned quite a bit more about myself and some of the trauma I have been through. I was born with a cleft lip, so had operations to fix it at 6mths, 18mths and 3years old. I am now aware that there was a level of trauma associated with these procedures. It explains why I have such a fear of surgery and recovery. I have a very young alter "Baby", who is very very scared of the whole process. Now that I know she is afraid because of that previous operations, I am hoping to be able to work with her to feel more comfortable.
It is always an educational adventure having DID. Learning what has happened, how it has affected me, and how the human brain will work to protect me from the trauma. I have felt rather positive lately about it all. Probably because I haven't delved too deeply into therapy and have had time to recover and relax.
I have been in the process of applying for a Disability Support pension over the last few months. Most of the people who know me would say I am functioning pretty well, and generally I guess I do. What I have noticed since I stopped working is that I am really coping, not just looking like I am coping. My Alters are much more settled and I don't hear the constant reminders that "I am not listening to them". I think it is because I now have time to stop and listen to what they are saying and the flexibility to change my plans if I need to accommodate their needs.
I was reminded the other day how hard I used to find it going to work. I had to be up and moving to get my son to school and sort out some stuff for him. One of my alters was trying to talk to me while I was lying in bed. My son came in to tell me it was time to get up and moving, without thinking I jumped out of bed and into the shower. Unfortunately my alter wanted more time. It was hours later that I managed to take the time they wanted. In the interim I had very nasty anxiety and voices. I remember going to work many times, having that same feeling and not knowing why or how to deal with it.
The day I got out of hospital I found out I had been accepted to get Disability support pension. It is a great relief. The money itself is not a lot but there are a few discounts that will help us out immensely. I can now relax and get on with healing. It is a big help.
Well, I have chatted on quite a bit today. Don't want my posts to get too long. Please leave a comment from time to time. It is great to hear what you think of what I have posted, or if you have a question you wish to ask me. I really appreciate that so many people from all over the world regularly read my blog. Thank you.

The body remembers

I was recently introduced to a website from the UK that also deals with DID and trauma.  I have spent a bit of time browsing through it today. This one of the articles that really grabbed me.
http://www.pods-online.org.uk/thebodyremembers.html
The article speaks of how when the trauma gets too much we do out best to forget, to get away from it and lock the secrets away where we cant see them. The body however, doesn't forget, it remembers the touches, the fear and the trauma.

PODS seems to be a great site with heaps of information. Well worth a look if you have time. Also some information for partners of survivors.

My big operation is tomorrow. I am nervous but not too bad. I made my Will this week, and have done my best to get things in place to help me deal with the whole event. I don't expect to get much sleep tonight. I had to go to pre admission clinic yesterday and see a nurse, surgeon, anesthetist and have an ECG. I also had to have photos taken and blood. By the end of the day I felt quite unsettled and tired. Way to many people had touched me and many more had been around me. By dinner time I had switched in to a child like alter to deal with the rest of the day. It will be interesting to see how we go tomorrow. I am a little concerned, but at the same time know that having DID means I am resourceful and I will get through even if it means switching to someone who can cope with the situation if I can't. I have been quite open about my condition with the Medical staff but they haven't really seemed that interested. We will see how they are tomorrow.
My teddy bear will be with me and my husband (who I have given special instructions on how to calm me down) will be there for as long as he can.
Please send me your good thoughts, hugs and prayers. I may need them.

Rights

One of the biggest casualties of abuse is the loss of rights. When a child is abused they lose their right to be able to say no. They are forced to submit to things he/she does not like or want. This has a profound affect. When abused children are forced to submit to things against their will, they begin to believe they have no right to have a will and what they want is not important. They lose the ability to believe they are worth defending and that they must submit to things others put upon them. As time goes on this becomes ingrained. It becomes a deep seated belief that they are worthless individuals who do not have rights of their own. They must submit to those around them. As you can imagine this is very dangerous, especially as it caries on to adulthood. Not only can they be very easily taken advantage of, but they do not even realize they have the right to a better life. It is a major learning process to accept that they are equal to those around them and have to right to be heard. It is a big thing to learn that NO is an acceptable word and they have as much right to say it as any one else, even if they know it will upset the other person. This has been one of the biggest things for me to learn. I matter, I count, and that I have the right to say no to anything I do not feel comfortable with. My life is mine, it does not belong to some one else and I can say NO. It can be a long hard lesson that can take years to learn and even longer to be able to get the courage to follow through on.  Believing you are a non existent person with no rights and you exist only to be used by others and to serve others is not a life. I am learning to stand up for my self, to believe I matter and that what I want is important, and slowly I am learning to stand up for what I want and need, and that I count. It takes time and patience, but we are worth the time and we are important. We are people, equal to others around us. Deep inside there is a small weak voice saying,"I am here and I matter".