Being Human

I don't know if anyone else has the same problem as me, but I forget to just be human. I spend so much of my time thinking about my Disorder, reading about it and Dealing with the trauma that I forget I am a human being just like everyone else and I need to have fun times too.

I haven't done many social things for a while because I really haven't felt up to dealing with others without bursting into tears. Last night I had a group of friends around for a fun evening of home shopping. I haven't laughed that much in a long time. It was a wonderful opportunity to catch up with some old friends and enjoy good times.
For several hours, my voices stopped, my mind was clear and I was enjoying the fun and jokes of the evening. For several hours I was not a broken discarded person fighting her way through recovery, but a normal woman having fun with friends. It was wonderful. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it.
I guess in all of this I am trying to learn that my disorder doesn't define me. It affects me, but it is not all of me. I need to laugh and forget just like everyone else. 

Yes I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, yes I am recovering from trauma, but I am also a fun vibrant woman who loves to laugh with some amazing friends. I just need to remember........... to live!!

Less than perfect.

At what point in our lives do we realize, we didn't have a perfect childhood.

Now, I am understating it again. 'Perfect' Who could say their childhood or life for that matter was perfect. Very few people I suspect, if any. We may indeed be able to find quite a lot more who would say they had a good life or childhood, and probably more again who would say 'it wasn't a bad childhood'. At what point in our lives do we come to the true understanding that our childhood was not good at all but indeed bad.
For some, it is probably something that stays with you in constant thought forever, but for some i.e. ME, this truth is hidden in dissociation and loss of memory. I always new it wasn't the best, my parents were divorced and my father disappeared leaving us with no knowledge of where he was. That would cause problems for anyone, and would of course be reason enough for a child to feel deserted.
As time and of course Therapy goes on I realize and remember more and more of the past that has helped to shape me, and it is not good at all.
You have probably guessed by now that I had a session today with my Therapist, and we uncovered some interesting truths. I realize that there is more to this dissociated individual than I first thought and that it may be that I may have learned to dissociate much younger than I previously understood to be true. And that those who I thought were innocent were not. I must clarify that last sentence. Deep down I knew and always suspected there was more to this than I had wanted to consider. But the human brain does what it can to protect us, and I have always tried to see the good in people and not believe the bad.
It hurts, really hurts when you realize your life, your start in this would, perhaps from day one, was not at all good. That this way of survival is all you have ever known for a reason, and although you are a normal human being, your life is far from normal.

I want to name names, but I cant. I want to able to say, but it is not time. I do wonder 'why me', 'what did i do to deserve this' I know I shouldn't, but I do, through every part of my being. It seems my fault.

There is a song by an Aussie artist Belinda Emmett, that she wrote while she was dying of cancer in her early 30's.
called "Less than Perfect".   It really touched me, here it is.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu04Q6RT8-I

 That's how I feel ...Less than perfect, living a life that is less than perfect.








 "So here I am, with my less than perfect life.
Here I stand , with my less than perfect life."

Not today

Today has been a bit of a tough day. Haven't felt the best physically and ended up not feeling the best mentally too. I tried to help my hubby by trying to organize what to have for dinner. Once again I ended up standing in the kitchen with an internal argument about what to eat and do. The problem being it wasn't loud enough for me to clearly hear and I ended up in tears. I have spent the rest of the evening wanting to curl up and cry. Really have very little understanding of why except that someone on the inside has issues with the food I was wanting to eat.I go through fazes of only wanting to eat total junk food and the thought of eating anything healthy turns my stomach. At the same time eating only junk doesn't leave me feeling that good either. Maybe today is just one of those days where I just should have stayed in bed.