12 September, 2011
Dinner
I have just finished dinner with my wonderful 18 year old son. He has lived with his father since the beginning of the year so I don't get to see much of him but every now and then we catch up for dinner. Tonight we went to a nice little restaurant/cafe.
I found the beginning of the dinner difficult...you see I am not sure who was forward at the time but whoever it was they were not very familiar with my son and I spent the first half hour feeling like I was having dinner with a stranger..I felt like a stranger myself. Even his face seemed strange to me.
I expect a little bit of the strangeness given it has been a couple of months since we have had dinner together, but we often chat on line or on the phone. This was more than this..it is the strangest feeling. I have known him all his life and feel like I know him very well. We have been very close. By the end of the dinner we were back to us and I knew him again. Obviously whoever was forward at the beginning was not that used to seeing him and not that comfortable around him. Strange feeling when your won son seems a stranger.
On a side note, my son who we shall call 'R' for now, is an amazing young man. Like most parents I worry about how I did raising him, especially as I had undiagnosed DID throughout his childhood. I know I was not a perfect parent. R also has some mild disabilities himself and has spent many years attending Physios, occupational therapist, and doctors. When his father and I divorced many years ago it was very hard on him.
Even with all this, what I see now is a young man who is confident, motivated, and fun loving. He knows how to have a good time, like most boys his age, but he is also applying himself at school and doing very very well. 10years ago I think I could only have hoped for this. Now I see a wonderful intelligent young man who I didn't totally stuff up. I am very very proud to be his mum, R and his brother are still and will always be my greatest achievements.
With all life's trials tears and hardships, I am a very blessed woman.
I found the beginning of the dinner difficult...you see I am not sure who was forward at the time but whoever it was they were not very familiar with my son and I spent the first half hour feeling like I was having dinner with a stranger..I felt like a stranger myself. Even his face seemed strange to me.
I expect a little bit of the strangeness given it has been a couple of months since we have had dinner together, but we often chat on line or on the phone. This was more than this..it is the strangest feeling. I have known him all his life and feel like I know him very well. We have been very close. By the end of the dinner we were back to us and I knew him again. Obviously whoever was forward at the beginning was not that used to seeing him and not that comfortable around him. Strange feeling when your won son seems a stranger.
On a side note, my son who we shall call 'R' for now, is an amazing young man. Like most parents I worry about how I did raising him, especially as I had undiagnosed DID throughout his childhood. I know I was not a perfect parent. R also has some mild disabilities himself and has spent many years attending Physios, occupational therapist, and doctors. When his father and I divorced many years ago it was very hard on him.
Even with all this, what I see now is a young man who is confident, motivated, and fun loving. He knows how to have a good time, like most boys his age, but he is also applying himself at school and doing very very well. 10years ago I think I could only have hoped for this. Now I see a wonderful intelligent young man who I didn't totally stuff up. I am very very proud to be his mum, R and his brother are still and will always be my greatest achievements.
With all life's trials tears and hardships, I am a very blessed woman.
The Gatekeeper
The night of my last post I hit crashed. Lost the plot and ended up in bed crying and cuddling my favourite big pink bunny, (a comfort toy for my little ones). I had just been doing a bit too much and forgetting to say no to things. I had been going so well for so long i was beginning to feel invincible. As usual we learn all too soon how that is not true and we need to slow down.
It didn't last long and by the next morning I was back to what I call my normal self, hearing the voices and feeling everyone inside again. This has been great, now I have a chance to get to know them better.
After yet another amazing discussion with a friend of mine on the weekend I have learned a great deal about my system and how it works. I was discussing the fact that I have an alter who I was calling the "watcher" who seemed to watch everything that was happening to the body. My friend suggested that it could be a gatekeeper.
With Multiple personalities the gatekeeper is the one who usually controls the information that comes out of the body, the memories and often who will be able to come forward. In my case in particular My gatekeeper tries to control most of the things I do. This is so the little ones don't get out of control in public and so we do our very best to look like a 43 year old woman and basically hide that the others are in there.
My gatekeeper likes to keep the body running with in some pretty tight boundaries so that she knows things will be safe. This can include foods I eat, money I spend and activities I do throughout the day. I definitely involves the words I say, the things I can remember and how I feel.
It is frustrating at times to have someone who insists on things always being done a particular way and not being very open to change. At first I was very angry with her but now I realize that she has been key in getting me to where I am today. Her job has always been to make us look normal so that no one will know what is going on inside. To keep us getting through the day with order and control so that we don't fall in a heap on the floor or spend all day dancing around and playing with toys. It is most likely because of her that I have managed to raise my boys so well on my own. I am grateful for all the work she has done, and now we can work together to let her take a break sometimes when it is safe so the others can have time out too.
This is an amazing time of discovery.....I am fascinated with the goings on in my own mind.
It didn't last long and by the next morning I was back to what I call my normal self, hearing the voices and feeling everyone inside again. This has been great, now I have a chance to get to know them better.
After yet another amazing discussion with a friend of mine on the weekend I have learned a great deal about my system and how it works. I was discussing the fact that I have an alter who I was calling the "watcher" who seemed to watch everything that was happening to the body. My friend suggested that it could be a gatekeeper.
With Multiple personalities the gatekeeper is the one who usually controls the information that comes out of the body, the memories and often who will be able to come forward. In my case in particular My gatekeeper tries to control most of the things I do. This is so the little ones don't get out of control in public and so we do our very best to look like a 43 year old woman and basically hide that the others are in there.
My gatekeeper likes to keep the body running with in some pretty tight boundaries so that she knows things will be safe. This can include foods I eat, money I spend and activities I do throughout the day. I definitely involves the words I say, the things I can remember and how I feel.
It is frustrating at times to have someone who insists on things always being done a particular way and not being very open to change. At first I was very angry with her but now I realize that she has been key in getting me to where I am today. Her job has always been to make us look normal so that no one will know what is going on inside. To keep us getting through the day with order and control so that we don't fall in a heap on the floor or spend all day dancing around and playing with toys. It is most likely because of her that I have managed to raise my boys so well on my own. I am grateful for all the work she has done, and now we can work together to let her take a break sometimes when it is safe so the others can have time out too.
This is an amazing time of discovery.....I am fascinated with the goings on in my own mind.
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