Christmas

Christmas is only two days away and we are scared. Really scared. At the moment we are crying because some inside are so upset.We haven't slept well in over a week maybe 2. This morning our head is a mess and we are feeling overwhelmed. We didn't get to see out therapist this week and that is showing, we really needed it. We are so worried they will come and get us this year. It's hard to feel safe no matter where I am.  I just want to feel safe. We have tried reaching out to friends to hang out with them but everyone is so busy getting ready for Christmas. Fortunately this year we have a good day planned and I hope we will make it through ok.
I feel like we are screaming inside, yelling so loud, but no one can see or hear us. They just see the body and the smile we are so used to putting on our face. I wish someone could see through that to the fear and mess inside.
All this with lack of sleep and financial stress of christmas and things are not going well. We are so anxious we are physically shaking every day no matter how much medication we take. All I want to do today is cry, but I must get things ready for christmas. I really don't like Christmas at all. To many triggers and memories. To many threats they will find us. They already know where we are, how safe can we be?
My poor next door neighbour got questioned last night. He was coming home but had someone drop in as well. Our front door was open to let in the breeze and all this strange noise and movement near our front door made us scared. We went out to check that it was him. This really isn't the best way to live. Every last noise has us alert. I feel we are in a constant state of fight or flight. We want to get far from here and hide, somewhere dark and quiet, where we are safe. But there is no where to go.
We feel so alone. I just hurts.  I feel exhausted.

Diamonds and Hard Work

Some days are diamonds, some days are just hard work. Today has been both.
Today we had the wonderful opportunity to meet another multiple. It was a chance to spend time with someone who know s how it feels to be multiple. We were nervous at first but they are lovely and we got on like a house on fire. We have agreed to meet regularly to chat and share with each other what life is like living with many. Their system is very different to ours in how it all works, but I'm hoping that we have enough in common that we can still remain friends.
Leaving the meeting we were on a high. We wanted to head to the shops to get some stuff for christmas. While there we ran into our ex girlfriend and fellow multiple. Her system had changed so much she didn't remember us, yet she knew she knew us somehow. We talked for a bit until it got too much for us and we had to leave. Even standing in the shop we were crying, it was only the beginning of the tears that flowed today. So many feelings came back, it was heartbreaking to see her again. The love we felt for her has never really left, just moved to a different place inside. It was very hard to walk away but at the same time, it was the only choice we had. The relationship had not ended well. The rest of our day has been spent with tears and resting.
Seeing her reminded us of how vulnerable we still are and how easy it is for someone to find us if they want to. We were reminded of the times we had with her and the things that went wrong. It's been one of those days when we have wondered if this life is just too hard, but we've made it through another day and we are hoping things will be better tomorrow.
We are still learning the wonders of having fun and just getting out and doing crazy things, like a sunset swim at our local nudist beach with a friend. A great time and a reminder there is still beauty in the world. For us it does take an effort to find it, but we are trying.....and I guess that's the best we can do.

Never Ment To Be Alone.

We were not made to be alone in this world. We were made to belong to someone, to be what they want us to be. After two failed marriages and countless relationships we know how easy it is to lose ourselves to our partner. We lose who we are and become who they want or need us to be. This  is the first time in years we have been free to be us.  We are trying our best to stay single.  Trying to make the most of our freedom, but it is way harder than it seems. It's not just the loneliness that is hard, it's more than that.  It's also about having someone to give us direction and purpose. Perhaps it's the same for everyone, i don't know, but i find myself floundering through  the day not knowing who to listen to or what to do. So many voices from inside all with ideas of what we need to get done, it things they want to do.  Rarely to they agree.  I find myself drawn from one task to another,  lost  in a whirlwind of instructions, rarely feeling settled in any i choose.

We miss our children lately.  All of them, the ones we have now and the ones we have lost.  It is weighing heavily on us.  We want to spend so much time with our  last two, to somehow try and fill the gap.  I guess it's morning for those we lost, it's doesn't seem to help much.  We just want to hold our little ones in our arms. Hold them so tight and never let them go. We want so desperately to see them and to know they are ok. I guess in a way that makes us feel more alone.  

DID versus Programmed DID

Tonight I want to talk about the differences between DID and DID in mind control/programming.
There are some distinct differences and when it comes to healing those differences grow even larger.

As we know DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder) is a very normal reaction and safety mechanism when a child is in a very abnormal and abusive situation. With DID the child finds a way to continue living in situations that seem unlivable. It is the best way to cope with the trauma they are going through, and in most cases it proves to be a very helpful and successful mechanism for survival.
Inside parts (Alters) are made as the child needs them to handle a new situation. The severity and length of the abuse will affect how many Alters the child will need.

Programmed DID, has its roots in the same concept, What the child needs to survive the unimaginable. However, the key difference here, is that many of these Alters are intentionally made by the abuser/s. That s right, these people know that the child's mind with split under certain circumstances, so they set it up to make the child have the alters they want the child to have. They torture a child to make them split and then they continue to rape and torture the child to programme that Alter to do certain things. I won't go into the process of programming because it can be quite traumatic ( apparently it is something like the programming they used in the recent movie Captain America Civil War..if you have seen it, I have not...I was warned it was too triggering. I am hoping to one day.). The key point is that it is not always the child choosing who to split into and who this Alter will be. The child is not the one who decides the function this alter will have in the system, it is the Abuser, and he/she does it for his/her own benefit. If they want the child to be a sex toy or prostitute, they will make the new Alter into exactly that.
In the programmed DID brain there are many many Alters who are created for the Abusers needs, not that of the child. They are not there to help the child to survive, they are there to help the Abuser achieve whatever they want. Basically they are trying to make small human robots, to do their bidding. Because their plans are so complex and wrong, they do not want to be discovered, so they must include many other programs and Alters in the system to help protect what they have done. Even years after the abuse has ended and the survivor seems free, these programs can kick in and change the survivor's life forever. ( and Yes these people do think this far in advance).

We have Programmed DID, and as we continue on our healing journey we become even more aware of the challenges ahead of us. It's not just about our Therapist getting to know our Alters and helping them to find new things to do within the system. It's not just about heading towards integration. Its not even about trying to get everyone in the system to work together to make it easier to function in adulthood. Programmed DID is much more complex than that. It is set up so that you will not be able to find your way around inside. It has 'booby' traps set, in that if you get to close to a truth, programmes will be set off and you will be sent on a wild goose chase following flashbacks or losing memories or time. Other programs can be set off the make the survivor go back to the abusers or try to hurt or kill themselves. It is like walking through a minefield never knowing where the next step will take you. There are hundreds of Alters, all with their own trauma and abuse, all with their own story they need to heal from, and many with secret hidden agenders that no one else may know about. It, by its very nature, is designed to not be figured out. It is designed to hold secrets that even the other Alters have no idea exist.

I have heard of several very strong systems who have managed to work their way through all of this to healing. I do not know any of them personally. I know of a specialist overseas who knows how to treat this type of DID and has written books to help others. I have all her books. To stand and see the road ahead is to feel overwhelmed. Most of the time we truly wonder if we can make it, but we are reminded by some very supportive friends that we must keep trying. It feels as if this is just one blow after another and that somehow we do truly live a cursed life. I do not know the meaning of life or why we are here going through all this. Most of the time we want to give up. It has been a very long and hard life. For now we have people who need us and so we are here.

Just Lie Here And Dream

Just lie here and dream.  Dream of a world with heroes and saviors. Where everything works out in the end, and the damsel is rescued. They ride off into the sunset to begin again, and the villan is vanquished.  A world where there is honor and hope,  Goodness and kindness.  Where evil people are easy to see,  and can be fought. Where the wounds seems to disappear and all is right with the world.  Dream today if this world,  in the desperate hope that you will forget the truth, and rest in the lie for another day. 
This is not my world and never has been.  There are no heroes or saviors. The damsel must stand on her own.  The evil is hidden and spread so widely it out measures those who do good.  There is no safe place to rest.  No haven or refuge. No peace, then no hope.  
I hear stories of those who have made it to a place they call home.  But who knows if it's real.  I have no map or directions to lead me.  
But once again for tonight, i dream of a world made in movies,  and my hero who comes to my aid. I escape just for now from the truth.  Just for now i will feel safe.  

A Lonely Life

My therapist had been sick.  I haven't seen him for two weeks.  I usually see him twice a week.  We miss the chance the talk to someone who knows and understands.  Someone who we won't scare.  Someone we are not afraid to lose with our truth.  So much has happened over the last couple of weeks that we want to talk about.  We now have no other friends who are multiple,  only others in online groups. We miss having someone who understands and who will listen.  It's a lonely life. 
Something is going on inside.  Most days i feel sick and sore and upset to the point of not being able to function.  I know it's coming from inside,  but they won't tell me what it is.  The past is here again.  I wish we could just leave it all behind.

Abuser Alters

I don't know if I have spoken much about Abuser Alters before but thought I might try and explain abit now.
To most outsiders it must seem a horrible concept to have alters inside who go around abusing other alters. Surely the system would want to work together and help each other out. That's good in theory, but you have to remember that this is a child, a young very helpless and lost child. "There are no safe places to go, no safe people to get them out of this, and there are horrific things this child must see, do and experience.
How does this child cope with the horrors of what they have seen and experienced. They have no control over it, there is no way to stop it, and they feel powerless to do anything about it.
One way to cope with what is happening, is to try and make yourself feel stronger, more incontrol. If you have someone who is like the abuser inside, then they are not a victim, they are not weak. They are just like the one who has the power, even though their power and strength is only ever used on others inside the system. In a very large way they are taking away some of the powerlessness the child feels and giving them a sense of strength. Like they are in control of something in their life. That they too have power. And yes these abuser alters do go around inside abusing other alters. It's not fair, nor does it help on the road to healing, but in truth, it is one of the reasons that system is even alive to this day.
How do you cope with the pictures in your mind of the horrific things you have seen .....you identify with the abuser, you think like them, you see it like them. Then you see it from a very different view. Yes it is about power and control. That's what abusers use. So to have an abuser alter gives the child/system a sense of power and control in a world in which they really have none.

To be or not to be?

One of the hardest decisions we have to make, is do we tell new friends about 'us'.
When meeting new people we always present ourselves as a singleton. "Hi my name is Lonnie and i am a multiple" is a bit too much of an opening statement for most people. But at some stage as the relationship develops, even just a friendship, there comes the question......"should we tell this person that we are not who they think we are?"
Do they need to know? Do we want or need to tell?
The whole point to hiding it is for our own self protection. We HAD to hide it when we were young. No one could know or they would find out our other secret......that very bad things were happening to us. It was the primary objective, to hide it all. Thats why we had DID, to get through all that was happening to us and still go on to live a seemily normal childhood. 
But we are adults now, and we are not living that life anymore. All the old rules still seem to apply though.....hide, hide, hide!!!
It deosnt work so well now in the adult world. Having a 5 year old pop out because she wants to say Hi, doesnt make sense to someone who has no idea about who we are. Its not fair on the other hand to make everyone inside have to hide if they dont fit into our age appropriate activities. We are many, and there is no original person. No one person in our system holds a greater position of importance than another, so it seems unfair that only a select few get to come out and socialize with others.
When we are socializing with other multiples, or those who know us well and understand, we can have much more freedom to just be us, just be who we are. Otherwise we are living a life of pretend. Pretending to be who we are not, so that those around us are comfortable. Dont get me wrong, I know that to a degree that will always be our life, but like most people we just want to have times and places where we can just be free to be us, and be accepted for who we are. 
This brings me back to my original question, how and when do we tell new friends that 'I' am 'We'?
How do we also deal with the fear of going against a life long self protection training that screams 'we must never let anyone in and they must never now about us'?
I dont have the answers..........

Can You Know Me And Still Love Me?

Am I loveable as We?  Can anyone really love me when I am many?  Can anyone truly have that look in their eyes that says, 'you are my world,  yes all of you! '
Can i feel that special?

Greatest Sorrows

One of the greatest Sorrows of my life, has been learning that no matter how much you love someone,  how much you sacrifice yourself for them,  and how much give to them. You cannot save them.  You may improve their life,  but only they can save themselves.  I wish i was wrong.



  

Can You See Me.

All my life,  I remember whenever we went out to a show or play or even to the shops, we would be looking at the people around us.  Or even the people in the show,  begging, pleading with them with our eyes to please please notice us.  Please see us in the crowd. Please somehow see us and know that we are special and save us from the life we live.  Please please notice us and know that something is wrong and do something to help us.  We still do it today as adults and still no one ever does. 
When they don't notice as they never do,  we leave feeling we are invisible and not important, and that 'they' are right and we have no value. Otherwise someone would have noticed the girl/woman in the 5 row dying inside.
 But i guess we can't be seem.  

We Miss It

We spend a lot of time looking after others.  We tend to be the carer, the mother,  the sensible one.  The one who remains in control when others lose the plot. It's seems natural to us to be that way , but sometimes we are envious of those who can let go.  I can't remember the last time our Littles really came out. There is no one around who can really handle them,  so they stay inside. Not that they are hard work, but not everyone knows how to deal with it all. We miss the changes.  We miss having that place where they felt safe enough to come out. Deep down we want to be the ones who fall apart.  The ones who have scared Littles out and someone comforts them and makes them feel special. 

One Little Whisper

It's in the background.  It's in the words you don't hear,  the whispers.  No matter how hard you try, there is that voice that reminds you. ...you are worthless!  
You work so hard to belive a new truth.  To try to accept you may have value,  and then just when you think you may be getting there,  that voice reminds you, ' you are fooling yourself, you will never have value'. Without a second thought you accept the words they say.  After all if they were wrong, your life would be better.  People would like you.  You would have more friends.
 It doesn't leave,  it nags at you.  Finding you at your weakest. Hitting you when you are down. It is merciless, unrelenting, and once again you wonder why you are even here. 
One little voice.  One little whisper,  with so much power. 

Ten things I have learned about Child Sexual Abuse

http://www.pods-online.org.uk/index.php/information/articles/article-categories/childsexualabuse-menu/96-ten-things-i-have-learned-about-child-sexual-abuse

The above link will take you to the PODS website. PODS stands for Positive outcomes for Dissociative survivors. The have some great information and even have a newsletter with great articles written buy survivors. Well worth a look. This article caught my eye as a good one to share. I hope it is of help to you.