Christmas

Christmas is only two days away and we are scared. Really scared. At the moment we are crying because some inside are so upset.We haven't slept well in over a week maybe 2. This morning our head is a mess and we are feeling overwhelmed. We didn't get to see out therapist this week and that is showing, we really needed it. We are so worried they will come and get us this year. It's hard to feel safe no matter where I am.  I just want to feel safe. We have tried reaching out to friends to hang out with them but everyone is so busy getting ready for Christmas. Fortunately this year we have a good day planned and I hope we will make it through ok.
I feel like we are screaming inside, yelling so loud, but no one can see or hear us. They just see the body and the smile we are so used to putting on our face. I wish someone could see through that to the fear and mess inside.
All this with lack of sleep and financial stress of christmas and things are not going well. We are so anxious we are physically shaking every day no matter how much medication we take. All I want to do today is cry, but I must get things ready for christmas. I really don't like Christmas at all. To many triggers and memories. To many threats they will find us. They already know where we are, how safe can we be?
My poor next door neighbour got questioned last night. He was coming home but had someone drop in as well. Our front door was open to let in the breeze and all this strange noise and movement near our front door made us scared. We went out to check that it was him. This really isn't the best way to live. Every last noise has us alert. I feel we are in a constant state of fight or flight. We want to get far from here and hide, somewhere dark and quiet, where we are safe. But there is no where to go.
We feel so alone. I just hurts.  I feel exhausted.