It's Hurting Inside

It's late, we have taken pills to sleep but i can't. I'm scared. Scared we are not safe. I have checked on the children 3 times,and triple checked the doors are locked. I still don't feel safe or free. I'm waiting for'them' to come. I'm waiting for safety but it never comes. I don't want to die. I want to live but i don't know how. I'm scared they are going to come and get me. I can't sleep, i must stay awake. They are hurting inside, but it doesn't show. I can't sleep, it's not safe.

Freedom

Even now, all these years on, we are still told, 'don't tell all your story, it is too shocking, people won't believe it. ' Where do we go from here. It's too shocking for people to believe, once again the abusers have power. When will the truth be free.

One Thousand Years

One thousand years of pain in one life time, is to much to bare.

Becoming me.....us!

So much has been happening and we have been so busy we have barely thought of blogging. Study this year has been very hard on the body and system. We have never been ill so much before. We have spent most of winter in bed with colds, flu, tonsillitis, Asthma and anxiety. Our anxiety levels are high, every day we go to college we need to take anti anxiety medication and even many days we do not go we need to take it. We have one subject left before we are finished and will have our Certificate 4 in Massage Therapy. Many of us really enjoy doing massages, it is just hard work to get through all the study and pressure. As with most of he courses we have done in the past, we got about half way through and all enthusiasm was gone. No one wanted to continue with the course, but we had decided we would follow through and finish. We are so close, but it is taking such a toll on our health. I will be glad when it is over.
We are now in the depths of dealing with our past and what it holds for us. Flashbacks are common and full on. The things I have learnt about what happened, leave be in shock....how can this be real.  We often wonder if it is all worth it. Do we really want to keep going if this is our future and we can never really escape it?
There are so many of us, that I have given up trying to keep count. We just say it is over 200. WE ARE MANY! Trying to get to know everyone is hard and on going. A switch in system can mean I am working with a whole new set of people I have not worked with before. I don't know their names or how they function.
Self harm is a constant thought. It is something we think about every day. Whether it is a small cut, or large slash, or just punches, trying to break our arm. It is always with us. So is suicide. We think of it often, several times a week. We live each day at a time trying to find the fun in it to make it worth our while going on.
Our girlfriend Diamonds makes a lot of difference, and helps us to keep our head above water. She is teaching us how to have fun and enjoy our selves, something we are not good at. We don't really know how to have fun. Diamonds understands the troubles we face, as she faces them too. Sometimes it is harder to watch someone going through what you go through, but sometimes it is a blessing to know that they truly understand. Life is hard, very hard, I we spend many days feeling defeated and only keep going for our sons and for Diamonds.
We want to leave a legacy in this life, we want our life to have some meaning and purpose. But we just don't know how. We NEED to know we have made a difference in this world and that our lives didn't go to waste. 'They' have taken so much from us, 'They' cant have the last word. But we just don't know how to do it.

Mind Control

It's 4.30am and I have been awake for several hours reading Alison Miller's book Becoming Yourself, Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse. It is a great book and after only 2 chapters I have learnt a lot. It can be overwhelming but I need to know the truth. As she says in the book. ... 'It is worth the fight. Even a day of freedom is better than a lifetime of slavery. ' To my fellow survivors. .... Keep up the fight, we are doing this together.

Learning Love

DID is about survival. It is about having the skills to get through the horror you are living. You learn to adjust, adapt, you develop amazing survival skils. You may however not learn so many things that others take for granted. Things like how to recieve love, how to give love, what real love looks like. How to show love. Things most people do without thinking can take time and effort for a multiple to learn. The greatest of these to learn is deserving love. It is never an easy thing but ultimately worth the work, but it will take time and patience.

Every Day

Every day is so hard. I fight every day to stay alive. I want so much for this all to end, life shouldn't be this hard. We are fighting all the time, there are so many of us and we can never meet everyone's needs let alone wants. It's so complicate. There are no simple answers just many many inside and more trauma than I can recall in one sitting. I don't see it any easier with any of my other friends who have DID. They are all struggling. Every day is a fight. Where is the hope. How can it get better when there are so many of us with stories to tell. It seems never ending and I just don't know where to go from here.

Survivourship Movie

I don't know what to add except this is a very good video. Please watch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BONGdkCuSiw

What is ritual abuse?

I really haven't written much on here lately as I don't know where to start. Things have just got so much deeper and heavier over the last few months that I am just lost, I have been reading a bit lately and thought I might just quote some information I have found. Be careful it may be triggering. I hope it helps.

From S.M.A.R.T ritual abuse pages

What is Ritual Abuse?

“…is methodical abuse, often using indoctrination, aimed at breaking the will of another human being. In a 1989 report, the Ritual Abuse Task Force of the L.A. County Commission for Women defined ritual abuse as: “Ritual Abuse usually involves repeated abuse over an extended period of time. The physical abuse is severe, sometimes including torture and killing. The sexual abuse is usually painful,humiliating, intended as a means of gaining dominance over the victim.The psychological abuse is devastating and involves the use of ritual indoctrination. It includes mind control techniques which convey to the victim a profound terror of the cult members …most victims are in a state of terror, mind control and dissociation” (Pg. 35-36) “Safe Passage to Healing”, by Chrystine Oksana, 1994, HarperCollins, which is an excellent source for survivor and co-survivors on the topic, though there is a newer edition out by iuniverse.com (2001)

 Abuse experiences were reported to have affected every aspect of their adult functioning. Subjects began therapy with little or no knowledge of the phenomenon of ritualistic abuse, and only one patient reported vague memories of ritualistic abuse before entering therapy. Reports from this sample reflect striking convergence among subjects and with data from previous research and clinical reports. A composite clinical case study is presented based on these data.
excerpts from the article:
“Skeptics question the legitimacy of these reports,but many factors point to the reality of the phenomenon of ritualistic abuse. First of all, the degree of consistency between reports of individuals from different parts of the country is very high. The fact that children as young as 2 and 3 report ritualistic abuse experiences that mirror those reported by adult victims is especially striking in light of the fact that young children do not have access to the kind of printed information that might conceivably allow an older person to fabricate such experiences (Gould, 1987). Second, experiences of ritualistic abuse reported by victims of all ages are virtually identical to written historical accounts of Satan worship and the like (Hill & Goodwin, 1989; Russell, 1972), findings that substantiate our present-day understanding of Satanism and ritualistic abuse as intragenerational phenomenon. Third, the symptoms from which individuals reporting histories of ritualistic abuse tend to suffer are consistent with our current understanding of post-traumatic stress disorder and the dissociative disorders. The progression in which ritualistic abuse survivors respond to psychotherapy places these victims squarely within the category of individual who have suffered real-not imagined-trauma.
That is, when memories of the dissociated traumatic event have been fully surfaced into conscious awareness and re-associated in all their aspects, the often extremely debilitating symptoms from which the individual has suffered abate dramatically and over the course of treatment frequently disappear altogether (Ray & Reagor, 1991).
Comments on study: Shaffer and Cozolino (1992) interviewed 19 women and one man who reported types and aftereffects of ritualistic abuse consistent with those reported by Young et al. All subjects reported witnessing the murder of animals, infants, children and/or adults. All reported suicidal ideation and half reported suicide attempts. The majority reported severe and sadistic forms of abuse by multiple perpetrators. Some reported continued recontact/revictimization into their adult years.

As a result of the psychologically intolerable nature of their early childhood experiences, victims of ritual abuse frequently develop multiple personality disorder (MPD). Therapists who treat these victims often assume that all MPD stems from a system of spontaneously created defenses against overwhelming trauma. As a result, these therapists tend to focus on treating the post-traumatic stress elements of the disorder and on integrating alter personalities. Recent experience with victims of ritual abuse suggests the presence of “cult-created” multiplicity, in which the cult deliberately creates alter personalities to serve its purposes, often outside of the awareness of the victim’s host personality. Each cult-created alter is programmed to serve a particular cult function such as maintaining contact with the cult, reporting information to the cult, self-injuring if cult injunctions are broken, and disrupting the therapeutic process that could lead to the individual breaking free of the cult. A majority of ritual abuse victims in psychotherapy may maintain cult contact unbeknownst to either the host personality or the treating therapist.

Thats a lot to read so that is all I will add. Yes we are a product of Ritual abuse, a revelation that has taken quite a bit of time to digest. It is shocking but real. 

One hellish step closer to freedom!

Haven't been posting much lately as my other blog has had so much more of our attention. It has been hard to water life down so we can write it on hear. So much has been severe flashbacks of things we aren't even sure of HOW to write about. Its been 5 days since things hit the fan for mothers day. At 15 we were raped and became pregnant. We were not permitted to keep the baby and were forced to have an abortion. The insider that went through this, was mourning terribly the night before mothers day. It was not easy and she wanted so much to be able to have and hold your little angel. But she had no choice, there was no way she would be allowed to keep it. It was his and he held ALL the cards. They took it out by force and killed it there in front of her. Then mothers day hit with programs that were used on us and because we don't have our mother in our life now, we couldn't/wouldn't  follow through with them. 5 Days later we are slowly coming out of flashbacks, memories, exhaustion and anxiety. We have had to see our Therapist about getting some sedatives and sleeping tablets as it has been just too hard to go on.( we have never used sedatives before, but we were just that desperate) We have had trouble breathing, standing, focusing, and our body shook. In all of this, we have learnt about two special people inside and what they went through because of this programming and the evil sick minds that raised us. We will never be free but at least we will be one step closer the freedom.

Mended With Gold

In our time of healing let us hope we are being mended worth gold.

Imaginary Friend.

It's been so hard lately, we really haven't known what to post. Easter was very hard with so many triggers and flashbacks. We are just getting over that and there are more things to deal with. We have met 5 insiders in the last 24 hours. Stuff is popping up all over the place. As a child of about 4 or 5 years old we used to have an imaginary friend. He used to be with us and get up to all sorts of trouble. We even used to get our parents to buy him a meal when we went out to lunch. Our mother used to tell the story of how we got her to go out into the middle of the street, and tell off or imaginary friend for being on the road. I am not quite sure when we stopped having him around but tonight for the first time in decades we heard his name again. Maybe he wasn't an imaginary friend after all, maybe he was one of us. Maybe he has been inside with us the whole time. I'm not sure but I am very curious to know more about him. Somedays this is an amazing journey through history, learning so much about what has happened. Then there are the days that are just hard work.

Alone

I have no father, I have no mother, i have no sister or brother. At the end of the day, when I am tired and alone, there is no one to hold me and say it will be ok. I am alone. No one to hold me. Each day one step in front of the other. When does it end and we can feel safe and free?

Easter overload

Easter has been so hard. so many triggers and programs. We have had so much trouble functioning in the real world. The house hasn't been cleaned, we just cannot seem to get our head around cooking food for the kids, and as for study, well that just hasn't happened. Its now Tuesday after Easter, and while things have improved dramatically from what they were say Good Friday, we are still not back to the functioning people we usually are. Tired of this.

Why Can't We Have Fun?

Why can't we have fun? Seriously, we struggle to have fun. If there is something fun to do we feel paralysed and all that keeps going through our head is "we can't, we can't". Is it some form of programming? If we do something fun, like joking around with friends, then someone inside tells us off and brings us back down to "normal" again. Something is not right but I can't figure out what it is. We don't even really seek out fun things to do. Any ideas anyone? We are open to suggestions. Does anyone else have this problem?

But how?

I want to tell everyone what has happened to us, I want to get it out there so that we are not holding all this to ourselves any more, I want to broadcast it on every channel for the world to see. This is what they did to me and they still roam this earth free. But will anyone really listen or care. Do people really want to know how badly one girl from Adelaide was hurt and abused. I don't think they do. When friends and family don't want too, who else is there to care.
Will we leave a mark big enough in this life to make the changes this world needs, or will we merely be another lost sole who passes into insignificance? Another child to be forgotten.
I want to make a difference, I want to make a change. But how?

Chosen

Do you have any idea the affect you have on me? Do you have any idea that our lives are entwined? They always will be. Every day you are in my heart, and every day I fear for you. I hate that I cannot protect you, that I have no power but to wait. Will you ever understand what you mean to me and how this takes its toll. Your fights are mine and mine yours. If only I could make you see, what you truly mean to me.

Living Life

We learnt a valuable lesson today. Things have been pretty tough lately and we haven't been doing to well. We have been in a really bad head space and seemed to be heading for a pretty big crash. Today we got invited to have a picnic with a friend at a park. The weather was perfect so we pushed ourselves out the front door. Not as easy as it seems when everything within us insists we stay home to be here if the boys need us. ( at 20 and 15 years old they don't need us much) So off we headed to the park. There was constant fighting all the way there but as soon as we stepped out onto the grass every one calmed down. We spent about 3 hours sitting in the sun chatting and watching the world go by. We were so relaxed by the time we left, it was awesome. We need to remember how good it feels and do our best to get out and enjoy the world around us. Make the most of the days we can and stop hiding inside. Life is for living, we just need to remember to do it.