Too Broken!!

I am a survivor of Child sexual abuse, mind control and programming. So far we count over 200 members inside us and the numbers grow. We have been programmed to do many things that make us sick to the stomach think about. Our own abilities and past scare us. As I sit here today I really have no idea who we are. I know the image we have portrayed over all these years, but I also know it has nothing to do with who we really are. We were made to be this way so we wouldn't cause trouble. We are a product of the programming. Programs that even now get enacted as we encounter different things in our life. We are little more than who they made us. We are merely robots to achieve what they want and need. We are not individuals.
I really wonder if there is a way out of this. If we will ever really know freedom. Life just feels so hard, and like we will never get out of this. So many people in our head that we have to take into account. So many voices that want to be heard. So many lives they want to live. They want their voices to be heard, but I am so tired of this fight. So tired of being broken. Of not being able to handle relationships with people, of having so few people we can trust and talk to. I've had enough of it all. The fight just seems too much day in day out. I feel like every day we are just faking it to get through until the real life happens, the only thing is we have been doing this for so long we are beginning to wonder if there will ever be the real life.
If this IS the real life.....we are f*#ked.

Merry Christmas

It's that time of year again. Christmas. The time of year when families get together and eat and laugh and enjoy each others company. Well, in a Disney movie maybe, but not if you come from an abusive family environment. We are not that keen on Christmas especially now our boys are older. Our only other family is our mother, and while our relationship with her is improving, it still has a long way to go. Christmas was always a stressful time. Trying to make sure everything was perfect. Around Christmas child abuse usually increases, as men feel unsettled with their lives, they go to find comfort with a child. This makes Christmas a highly triggering time for most survivors. We suffer terribly with loneliness at this time. The feeling that everyone else has family but we don't and once again we face life with only ourselves to depend on. The boys are of to spend time with their father for 5 days on Christmas day. Diamonds is away for 4 days and gets back Christmas eve. She will be spending Christmas day with her family so we won't get to see her on the day. We are trying to do our best to keep busy and hope the loneliness doesn't hit too hard, but at the end of the day when all us said and done, we return to one true fact. We have only us to truly depend on, we are our family.

Royal Commission

In Australia, our government is looking into Child sexual abuse in institutions. They are calling it a Royal Commission. They are asking for any one who went through child sexual abuse in an institution such as a school, sporting group, church etc to contact them and share their story. It is an attempt to affect a change in regards to child abuse in this country, and hopefully get some form of justice for the victims.
We have known about it for some time now and have already made one attempt to contact them. But we switched and got on with life. Two days ago we rang them and left our details, and some basic information about what happened, with them. They will apparently get back to us in a couple of months to hear our full story.
We have many people who abused us. Most of whom will never come to justice. But there are a few who we knew more closely and even some who we knew through organisations like school. We cannot get everyone to pay for their crime but we can get as many as possible.
The Principle of your primary school is one of those men. We know he is still alive and it is not right that he gets to walk free for what he has done.
The act of ringing the commission has left us with many mixed feelings.
Disappointed, and disheartened. There are so many who hurt us and this is only ONE of our stories, and this will rise to the surface. What he did was wrong, but compared to so much else that has happened, it is relatively minor.
Shame, anger, and helplessness. When faced with someone to tell these truths to, it is amazingly hard to get it out. We cry (something we try not to do), we don't know how much they can tolerate and really want to know. And with every word we step deeper into the pain and reality of it. It hurts so much  just to remember. How could someone do this to me, how could they violate a child to the point of breaking their soul. There are no words only streams and streams of tears and a pain inside that we just don't know how to heal.
Will we be believed, are memories are only small and we are not sure they will seem that much. What if they think we are lying, how will we deal with that. It is a long road to walk and it feels like once again we walk it alone.
Injustice. What if through all we go through, nothing is done or achieved. Will we ever get justice? Is there truly anyone who can help us, or are we truly on our own once more.
Safety, will we be safe sharing this information, They say they have protocols in place to protect us, but do we trust them.
And lastly, and the reason we are even doing this in the first place:
The is a hope that maybe, just maybe he will be brought to justice. Especially if others who he hurt will come forward.  And maybe somehow we can help to prevent this from happening to others in the future.

Weak and hopeless

I hate myself for being who I am. For not being capable. For not being better. For not being thinner. I hate it. So many things I could have done with my life both good and bad..So many experiences we could have had, but we have lived in fear. I hate that life has turned out this way and I am who I am. I want to hurt myself for being weak and vulnerable. For not being able to stand up for myself and be stronger. We feel so weak and a failure. Hate, hate who we are, weak and helpless.

In the eyes of evil.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of the devil. Some days I feel I have.
Looking into the eyes of a man who knows he has been pure evil and yet is totally unable to acknowledge it. I have seen many people who are that way. Mothers, brothers, fathers, who have done unspeakable things to their children/siblings, yet refuse to acknowledge their actions.
They know they are guilty of doing all the things that society despises. They have beaten, raped, abused and murdered. They know they have hurt someone beyond repair.
If they were ever caught, they face a life in prison.
But every day they get on with the life they live, a life of presumed innocence.
A life where no one would even suspect them of the evil they have committed. They are seen as a loving, generous, thoughtful, friend. No one can see the secrets they hold so very deep inside their soul. But we know.
We know the darkness inside them, and there is nothing they can do tho hide it from us. It is as plain as day on their faces.
A great personality cant hide who they are, it seeps out through the cracks.
They are living a lie hoping no one ever finds out.
But what they don't realise is that many already know, and their secret is a secret no more.
You look into their eyes, even for only a while and there is a hint, a dark shadow that lingers.
You need to look carefully for they are masters of covering it up, but it is there.
It is behind the friendly smile they give you, the reassuring handshake, the warm friendly hug. They know how to hide it, but if you look very very carefully you can see it. Ask a child they can see it too.