Separating from my hubby has opened so many doors for me internally. By the end of my time in the relationship I was having trouble sleeping just about every night. Now with hind sight I can see what was really happening inside. There were of course problems in the marriage, things that I really wasn't coping with.
When things get to hard for me to handle I have an alter who comes over and covers up all the bad stuff so I don't remember it, and tells me every thing is fine. I believe this of course and life goes on. The situation has not changed and life is not OK but externally I don't realise this. But my alters do inside. They know they are still not happy and that nothing has been sorted out. The more it is covered the more unsettled they get. They are not able to just forget the pain we are going through and they need to communicate that to me so I can make the changes to keep us safe. Hence the restless and sleepless nights. As I listen to these signals, I am learning more and more about my system. I am realising that I am only one of many and I am here to serve a purpose in the group. I am not here just to do what I want, but I have a responsibility to the others inside to help keep them safe. More and more I get the sense of being part of a team, working together to make a life.
I am feeling excited and happy but it changes how I see our life and the future. In moving house I have also put aside many of the things I had planned for my future. I have chosen a small house with a small back yard with low upkeep. I know that in the future I have a lot of work to do internally and it can take so much of my time and energy. I have lost days in bed because we just cant get up and face the world. I am slowly filling the freezer with left over meals for the boys so that when I am having a bad day or two, they will still have good food to eat.
I have had to give up my life long dream of being happily married with children. I now consider marriage, at least in its conventional sense, beyond my reach. I have an alter who loves to garden, and reveled in the challenge our last house presented to create a garden of many hidden spaces and retreats. My/our life is taking a turn I never could have imagined 20 or so years ago. I always wanted to be married and have children. That was my dream from childhood. I guess I have done it, a couple of times now, so cant complain. It is just not going to continue as I had expected. Don't get me wrong I am not unhappy with my life. I am really enjoying myself, more than I have for quite a while. I am just finding now is a time of reflection and consideration of where I have come and where I want to go from here. I think that is the big secret.....Where do I WANT to go from here.
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