work to be done

We told the boys about our separation on Friday. It was not an easy thing to do. My youngest was in shock and it took him a couple of days to come back to himself. I can cope with stuffing up my life but it is never easy to do some thing that is gong to affect my boys lives negatively. The hunt now goes on for a place to live and a realtor to sell our house. On the DID side of things, everyone has gone  into lock down. We are not dealing with any past issues, all we can do at the moment is focus on the world and issues around us, and get through. In some ways it feels easier as only the most functioning alters are out at the moment. We think clearly, have a good memory and achieve things. But I know so much more is missing. I do worry about my ability to cope once I move out, and what will happen, but for now it is all about getting the things we need done achieved. Some days we do get so tired and lonely, and I want to just cry.

Parting Ways

Being a multiple can be very difficult. Most days choosing breakfast and what to wear in the morning, can be a major operation in conflict resolution. Minor things become major. With this constant battle inside, you can imagine how hard it can be to deal with the"outside" world. Living a life with a family with their own demands and stresses only adds to the chaos. Things have not been easy for me on the home front. Step families are always a big challenge and teenagers add to the"fun". Hubby and I have been struggling in a few areas for a while, and as time goes on its not getting better. We have decided to separate. We feel that while we are good as friends, we just don't work as a married couple. We have been in each others lives for nearly 6 years and we have had many good times. But there are just some issues that we can't seem to resolve, even with professional help. This is going to be a hard time with many changes, and I will need to depend on my friends immensely. I will do my best to keep blogging regularly but if it drops off please understand I will have a lot to do. As a group, (Alters) there is a lot to process through all the layers, and I am not yet sure how we will go. I suspect there will be quite a few tears to come. I will keep you all up to date as best I can.

Sleeeeeep, please sleep!

Well I am up and functioning on only 3 hours sleep. Don't know how, as I feel very alert, but some how I am dong it. I went to bed around 11.30pm last night feeling a little tired and quite relaxed. My mind wasn't racing  and I wasn't in pain. After about an hour I decided to try my calming ocean sounds to get me to sleep. After half an hour of that doing nothing, I headed for the book I am about 3/4 through. It was boring me to tears but still no sleep. Grrr this is getting very frustrating. I am using my usual natural sleeping tablets which usually knock me out. I have also been using some herbal oil rub that smells disgusting but is great for relaxation and sleep. Still nothing. I just lie there calm, relatively happy, and awake. I hope this all breaks soon.

On the up side I am off to see my shrink today. It has been quite a week since I last saw him and I am looking forward to the chance to chat. Not that long ago I was wondering why I was even going as we really weren't doing too much, but now I know why...it is all happening at once. As is usually the way. None of the alters are brave enough to come out for him yet. Some still find him to be a big scary man. Mostly we as a group are worried that the ones that do come out will break the image we have set up of being one whole person. If some of the other alters come out it will be obvious they are not and he will instantly see the difference. Its kind of the point but still very scary.

Struggling

Really struggling at the moment. Sleeping has become a MAJOR challenge. By the end of the day I am so stressed my stomach is so knotted up I cant take the pain. My head is spinning and I cant seem to find direction. I have littles who don't want to sleep in case "HE" gets to them while they sleep.
I have a dear friend going through a crisis too and together we are slowly stepping our way through this me. But I am not finding it easy. I just need it all to stop..and soon. I need good solid sleep and not to be so stressed, but I am not sure how to get there.

So far so good!

Today I am feeling good, I feel happy and relatively care free. I slept well last night once I realised my legs were hurting and took pain killers. I find myself in a hurry to achieve what I want to today, before I lose this sanity. It always seems so delicate and fragile. At any moment some thing will happen or someone inside will take offence at what I am doing or saying, and every thing will change. I have managed to get quite a bit done in my studio lately, lots of sewing which I have enjoyed. It really is so much easier when everything is set up and ready to go when ever I want to be doing something. There is so much more I want to do though, there never seems to be time. So far today ....life is good.

Worthless (may Be Triggering)

At the moment we are struggling with the possibility that there is an other sexual abuser in our history. Taking the total to 4. It is not a count I want to get higher. The emotions are almost overwhelming. The feelings of worthlessness and being used are dominating. Our only function was to be there for others pleasure regardless of the cost to us. We have no rights, no value, no purpose as an individual. Then there is the betrayal. I thought this person loved me, cared for me, but they only used me. Worthless, that's how it makes me feel. There is a long road ahead of us and I don't like the look of the terrain.