Welcome to my Blog.

These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

31 January, 2013

Nil By Mouth

Driving home yesterday from a friends house, I was feeling very hungry. It was 3.30 pm so I debated getting something to eat or waiting until I got home. After quite a bit if internal discussion on the matter, someone reminded me we had some nuts stashed in the glove box for just such an emergency. Ahhh saved! But no. As I put some nuts into my mouth I felt almost repulsed by them. One of my alters tells me she doesn't eat food and asks if we can eat it without using the mouth. She doesn't ingest things thru the mouth and there must be a better way to get food in. I don't know of any other way other than IV drip, and that is more traumatic than eating so we are not taking that option. Needless to say we did not eat nuts on the way home and she had gone by dinner time so all was good there. This not the first time she has been forward and it is an interesting challenge dealing with the no mouth thing. On a separate and positive note, I slept heaps better last night hopefully we have broken the cycle for a while.

30 January, 2013

Sleep, why have you forsaken me?

The last week has been tough going. We have had a LOT of trouble sleeping. So far I have managed to get to 4am with no sleep. grrrr.
I think it started about a week ago when one of my dear friends came over for a visit, and we sat up talking till 3am. Something tells me that gave my teens the idea that we could do this all the time. I haven't been able to sleep well since then. Its not that I am not tired, I am exhausted. I will be so desperate for sleep that I am forcing my self to stay up past dinner time so I don't sleep to early. By 9.30pm I head to bed thinking this will be easy....I lie there for a while breathing deeply and waiting for sleep to take me. It does not! Instead my sewing alter comes up with some awesome ideas for quilts she wants to make and how to do it. It is a little easier if I get up and write them down but I cant always be bothered. Eventually my body will give way to sleep....ahhh sleep, until suddenly I am thrust awake by at least one of my alters saying "I don't want to sleep". Yes that is right they wake me up about 2 seconds after I dose off. NO matter how many times I dose off again, they will wake me up. They want to get up and watch TV or do something outside. I was up one night cutting out the fabric for my son's dressing gown at 2am because I refused to just lie there and wrestling with myself.
Today is my son's first day beck at school for the new year, so I had to be up early to drop him off. That meant I had to get some sleep so I could drive. I was determined last night to sleep in my bed, and not get up. It took me quite a while and I was very restless but eventually I got there sleeping with my head at the foot end of the bed. Now to get through today with out having a nap so I am hopefully so tired tonight that no on can argue with me.

21 January, 2013

Integration

I have wanted to cover this topic on my blog for some time but just haven't got around to it. This is a very in depth topic so it may take me a few posts to get out what I want to share. I am aware that a wide range of people read my blog. Some of you are also multiples and so are familiar with what integration is about and may have some very strong feelings on it. Others are new to this whole thing and are just trying to get their head around the idea that they know someone with this strange disorder. So I will start at the beginning and see how we go.
The basic concept behind Integration when used by professionals in reference to people with DID, is to get all the alters to integrate into one functioning personality. To make them a singleton, not a multiple. (as I call them). In essence to get them to be like everyone else. Sounds easy enough really and even quite practical. BUT, it is not that easy, not only from a logistical stand point but also from a psychological one.
Integration is a VERY heated subject amongst multiples. By just writing this and expressing my views, it is possible I may upset some people. That is not my intent at all, but as this is MY blog and MY space to express myself I feel I will share my thoughts on the matter. You are more than welcome to disagree. I am not yet perfect nor is all my knowledge.
Many has been done the the field of Psychiatry over the years that we now realise is not good safe practice. Major changes are happening especially in dealing with DID. Psychiatrists were considered the experts and they were known to pretty much  take control of this "poor messed up persons mind" and bring about some form of integration. Many still practice this type of psychiatry. I have heard of one shrink who says he will have integrated all the patients alters in a year, regardless of how the patient may feel about this. Many patients feel their alters are being killed off in this experience.
We are slowly moving into a better understanding of how DID works and what is best for the patient. One of the greatest achievements I believe, is the understanding that these traumatised people need to have the freedom to receive the treatment they want. We need to be free to decide for ourselves if integration in any form is for us, or if we would rather live our lives as many working together as one.
One of the hallmarks of someone with DID is that hey have had their rights stripped from them. They have not been able to choose for themselves how their life should be. They have been forced to live how someone else saw fit. One of the greatest things they can be given is the right to self determination. The right to choose their future. This can be very scary and many choose to have someone in control like a shrink, and that is their choice. But for those who wish it, there should finally be freedom.
Integration is not for every multiple, but the choice is. WE decide how we want to go, are we happy as many, or would we rather get the numbers back to something more manageable, maybe down to one. We have the right to choose to integrate or not and only through that can real healing come.

18 January, 2013

What causes DID?

I thought I would do a quick run down on the causes of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formally known as Multiple personality disorder). I know I mentioned this more in my earlier posts but might be time for some revision.
DID is caused by trauma. This trauma usually occurs before the age of about 8years old. In many cases this trauma is abuse, physical, sexual or emotional. Even neglect. Trauma can also be things like hospitalisation, accidents, and war. This trauma in most cases goes on for years. I have not yet seen a case of DID caused by one isolated incident of trauma. What I have also seen with DID is that the child has no safe place to land. By this I  mean that the child has no one safe they can turn to help them. There is no safe parent, grandparent or friend, who even though they may not believe them about it, they are there for them in a loving and protective way. Often the older sibling will be the one to develop DID, as the younger children have the older ones to go to. ( this is not always the case as I do know of younger siblings with DID, but it seems to follow that rough pattern).
DID is NOT and illness, there is NOTHING wrong with the functioning of our brain. We do not need medication the fix us. DID is a coping technique. DID is a healthy minds response to overwhelming trauma. In fact if we did not have a normal healthy brain we would not have developed DID. We are not sick, or crazy. We are traumatised! Severely traumatised, to the point where we cant function without having multiple parts in our brain. There is no magic pill to make us better, no perfect therapy that will make us suddenly "well". For those of us with forgotten abuse and abusers, we cannot and should not be made to remember. Our amnesia is there to protect us, from a past we are not yet ready to remember. It WILL take us YEARS to heal, with or without a therapist. Healing for us may not look like what you think it does.
Most of us started our lives by learning about the dark side of the human existence . We know about rape, beatings, abuse. We have been taught that we have no value except to be used by someone else for their release. We didn't learn that what we want and need has value. We become unimportant.
 We have to learn to be loved and to love. We need to learn that we can have a opinion and we have the right to say no! What we want DOES matter, and we can and should be listened too. I am 44 and many of these things are still major revelations to me. I am still amazed that I don't have to do things if I don't want to. I CAN CHOOSE AND DIRECT MY LIFE. It is my life, not someone elses and I can have control. WOW!
What we need is people who will listen and care. People who can be patient with us and let us learn our lessons in our time. We need to be loved and accepted, no matter how many of us there are. And we need to be believed. Because even if what we say is not how you saw it, it is our truth and it has made us who we are. It is important. We are important.

16 January, 2013

Believe me!

The last few weeks have been quite an education for me. I have learnt how my alters are talking to me in their own way but that I am not really listening or getting what they are saying.
My hubby, son and I have just got back from a week staying at my Aunt and Uncle's holiday house. We had a very relaxing time and my husband even managed to catch a few fish. During our stay my Aunt, Uncle and cousin came for a visit and stayed for dinner. While my uncle and hubby were out fishing in the boat, Auntie, cousin and I had time for a good long chat. For a very small part of the conversation we skirted around the subject of my childhood and how it had not been how she thinks it was.
Her obvious disbelief was quite shocking. I spend most of my time with other multiples. We don't even think to questions one an others stories, we know the world is not as rosy as people would like to believe it is. We know that people wear two faces, some of our worst abusers are the nicest people you would ever meet. The world is full of darkness, we see it every day, but I realise that for people who don't live in this world of darkness, it is easy to lose sight of the truth.
Her disbelief was shocking and rocked us inside more than I had realised. It took us to that place where we no one believes us, we are in this torture and no on will believe the truth. No on will rescue me as they don't believe there is anything to be rescued from. Right back to being a child. Later that day I did spend some time quietly thinking and sharing with my inside world, we did 'talk' about what had happened but as it had been out of my ability to change I pushed it aside. I am realising now that was not a good idea. For several days after that they were all very restless inside and I heard complaints and berating. By the day I saw my shrink I was starting to get really down and frustrated. I had by this time totally forgotten about what they were complaining about and I was feeling very abused by everyone on the inside.
Whilst talking to my shrink I realised that my aunts disbelief had had a profound affect on us, and that I had not acknowledged it and taken steps to help us heal from those feelings of abandonment and not being believed. The instant I got it out, all the arguing and berating stopped and I felt peaceful. That is all they wanted, was to be heard!
Know I am trying to remember that these hurts ARE important and to not just let them pass or minimise them. Let them out, journal about them, discuss them with a friend, or shrink, blog, anything that acknowledges that we are here and we are hurting. The time for keeping secrets is over, the truth needs to be told.
Having someone believe your truth is a very liberating thing. I remember the first time my psychologist believed me about one of my abusers. The physical release was tangible, like a major weight was taken off my shoulders that I didn't even realise I was carrying. I didn't carry this secret alone any more. I know we don't all want to know about the evil in the world, we see so much of it on the evening news. It can become overwhelming, but for some of us this is our reality. If I have DID I have known darkness, I didn't get this way because I fell and hit my knee and I am a sook. Please understand that MY world is not yours and if you really want to get to know me you may have to learn more about the dark side of this life than fits inside your rosy view. It is the price we pay for having evil in this world, and we always will until it ends.

14 January, 2013

New year

Hi everyone and welcome to 2013. I had an awesome new year spent with some of my great friends from Bridges.
I feel that so often on here I am complaining about life and how I am coping. That is not my intent but I am finding it is how I am regularly feeling lately. Communication between my alters seems to have stagnated and it seems each day is filled with complaints and corrections. I am finding I do not know who is talking or really what is going on. It is a bit like driving with a car full of complaining children every day. I have also noticed some of my little ones who feel unloved have been out a bit lately looking for reassurance. Self harming has become an issue and I had a binge session last night like I have not had in quite a while. Externally all seems well and no one would know. but every day is a challenge and I am not always sure I am winning.
We had a great time today with some family members who came to visit.I enjoy the company but I find it hard as people don't want to know about how I really am, and it can leave us feeling like they are  not getting the real answer. The truth is I am mourning a life lost, who I could have been and fighting the desire to sit you all down and tell  it how it really is.
No one wants to hear about child abuse and how we struggle with our abusers and what they did. No one wants to see the consequences over afternoon tea, but for me they are always there, they never leave me, and I want to stop the secrecy that has held me bound for so long. Who will listen.