Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you are having a good day with those you love.
After the last two weeks of high anxiety levels and not really wanting to have Christmas, I am actually enjoying today so far.
I have had breakfast with my boys and now we are waiting for some of my friends from Bridges to come around this after noon. If you cant have an awesome family get together then why not awesome friends. My mum even rang me from the ship she is on in Antarctica. Not bad hey!
Well please take care and have a good day doing things you enjoy.

Coping but not! ( triggering)

We are many, we do not live as one, we function  for your benefit because you cant understand our world. You are not like us and you struggle to see our pain. There are times when I despise you, with your innocence and freedom. Your laughter and your sunshine. My hatred runs deep, not just for you and your life of innocence and joy, but for those who came before you. I wish you were not here and I could be alone. Alone to suffer in my silence. Without you in my space demanding protocols and action I do not have the time for. My world is so different to yours. My pain runs too deep. I wish that you could see it, but you wouldn't last, you wouldn't cope. You would fade and hide. There are no tears where I am, only pain, anger and hatred. We have taken too much. It is time that it is over. I want it over, when will this all end.

Triggering (self harm)

What I want IS important. It DOES matter. I DO count for something. I AM important.

Can you see me? Can you hear? I'm hurting in here. I'm dying and you wont even listen to what I have to say. You need to see me. You need to know I am here.
I do not exist merely for your benefit. I have meaning and purpose all my own.
Don't you want me? Cant you see me? Every day you neglect me, the darkness wins. I lose the will to keep fighting. Hopelessness invades my soul. You are just like the others.
I am too difficult.
It is not as easy as you would like.
I challenge your insecurities.
See me please, hear my cry. I am crying for you to love me, but my heart is starting to die. I want to kill the darkness. I want to fight to live, but you just take what you need, and leave me alone with my thoughts.
I want to cut the pain away. I want the world to see how much it hurts. I want you to know how much you hurt me.
I want to scream until my throat grows numb.
I want to cut until my flesh flows scarlet slowly taking with it my life.
I want to scream until you will listen.
I want to hope that you can hear.
Why don't you listen to me. Why cant you hear my voice.
I am dying , cant you see my pain, just a little, just one voice? Help me!

My Studio

I live in a house with my hubby and our sons, We have 5 altogether, all teenagers, but only 2 are living with us now. I find that at times it can all get too much and I need a place to escape to. I usually hide in the bedroom I share with my hubby. This has worked reasonably well except that is is decorated in a very neutral way. As I have a large collection of girls inside me, I have been getting very frustrated with how the room is not girly enough. I have also found that I need more space that is only mine. Room for pink and purple to reign, where flowers and candles and toys can live freely.
 With the help of a few friends, we enclosed half of our carport to give me a studio and escape room. It is finally finished. I have a TV, radio, bed to crash on, and all my sewing and art supplies in there. It has been quite an adventure getting it done, especially as hubby has been dealing with very painful Gout during its construction. I Thought you might like to see some pics.

Ready to be painted

The finished room

My crash zone

My art and sewing tables.

Feeling exposed

The last week has been a bit of a hard one. I spent several days last week in bed, not anything to do with a physical illness. Just Alters trying to communicate how they were feeling. And it wasnt good. I had severe nausia, I was lightheaded, and often my head would spin. How do I know it was Alter related and not physical? Because as it started to wain I could hear certain alters talking and when they spoke the symptoms would come rushing back. Nausia is a common one for me, I think it is because of what we had to do duing the abuse. It was not a nice feeling and it always takes a while to try and figure out if these feelings are an illness or alter related.
We have been working very hard with our shrink and he is getting very close to us. We have NEVER had anyone know so much about us and how we work. That, and an incident that felt very threatening on Friday, left us feeling exposed and vulnerable. It has taken a lot of 'work' to get us back to a place where we can feel safe again.
My shrink has been very understanding, and has made it very clear that if he is scaring my Alters, he will back off until they feel safe. He doesnt want to cause any added trauma. So far I am very impressed with his approach. He is used to dealing with multiples and this seems to make a lot of difference. He seems to know when to back off. He also has real life reference points to work from.
As usual life as a multiple is never easy, but it is never boring either. Maybe I could use some boring!!

Elliot

This is Elliot, isn't he gorgeous. Elliot sits 70cm high and is 50cm wide from ear tip to ear tip. I found him as a second hand shop. I don't usually buy second hand soft toys, but he still had his store tags on so I thought he was a pretty safe bet. Elliot has been a god send, more than a few times he has soothed my littles, including last night. Being multiple there are of course littles (child/infant alters) inside, and like most small children they love soft toys. We particularly like ones that have a specific extra soft feel. Unlike other small children, my littles are stuck in an extra large size body. For them, what would normally be a big teddy, ends up feeling very small. That's where Elliot comes in. Because of his size, he is in better proportion to the body's size. This is very comforting to those little ones inside. He is also great to snuggle into or sleep on. I really feels like he is giving me a hug. Because he is so big, he can be hard to find a place to keep him. He has spent the last few months sitting on the couch in the family room. My sons often snuggle up against him as they sit and watch TV.

Will she know how much I love her.

Preparing for the Merry season

Well it is not long now until Christmas, and while this time can be a really happy time it can also be very depressing for many people. For those of us with a family trauma history, Christmas can become a nightmare. It can be hard enough facing family you don't spend much time with throughout the year, but to add all the expectations of everyone getting on for a happy Christmas, and it can be a recipe for disaster. On the other hand perhaps you avoid family during this time. Sometimes that is wise, but it can leave us feeling even more alone and unloved.

Knowing all this, I think it is a good idea to prepare for the Christmas season before you get there.
 If you are choosing to spend time with the dreaded family, than maybe think about limiting the time there. Think of other places or things you need to do, especially if you have to make a quick escape. Have a code word or sign to signal to your partner that this is all getting too much and it is time for us to leave. Organise to only go when the people who trigger you the most wont be there. These are all strategies I have employed in the past, and have worked to one degree or another.
I have also invited a friend or two to spend Christmas with my family so there is someone safe with me to support me when I didn't have a partner. Just some one else to deflect conversations, or keep everyone on their best behaviour, can make a great difference to how you can handle the day.
If all of this is too hard, them maybe not spending time with the family is a better idea. You may find you enjoy the time alone, but for most of us, it can serve as a reminder of how stuffed our life really is. Spending Christmas depressed and miserable is not a good idea either. Perhaps it is an option to invite over friends who are also estranged from their families. Surround your self with fun and laughter and it will be much easier to deal with the lack of family. There is also the option of a street party if you have that kind of neighbourhood and others are around. If some one invites you to their Christmas lunch, take them up on the offer and spend some time with people who care about you.
Christmas can be a very hard time for many of us and self care is a high priority. Keeping up old favourites like journaling or blogging can also help. Skype or ring those you miss at this time, sometimes just hearing their voice can make all the difference. If you must spend this time alone, then plan fun activities to do during your day. Things you really enjoy, and treat yourself to something yummy for the day. But most of all please Remember that you are important, and you are worth taking care of. Just because you cant connect with those you love during this time, doesn't mean you are forgotten. I personally really appreciate EVERYONE who comes to read my blog, and I will be checking to see who has dropped in during Christmas. I hope things go well for you all and that we can all make this an enjoyable time.

Split personality

P!nk's Split personality is the closest song I have found that seems to relate to being Multiple. Thought I would share it.

We must be one.

As I delve deeper and deeper into the depths of my mind with my shrink, I realise how important it has been to survive . I have been seeing him for many weeks and I feel quite comfortable around him. We joke and have quite a good rapore. He sits in a chair that is a good safe distance away from me, and he NEVER makes any attempt to touch me in any way. These are all very good things. Slowly we are releasing more and more information about ourselves and the workings going one inside. But we now come to a hitch. 
For our entire lives we have had to work so hard to appear as one united person functioning seamlessly. We do not advertise our differences nor do we point out the changes we go through. It is of course survival, to act as one so that no one can ever know we are different. 

This however can be a problem when it comes to working on healing. We had an alter come out the other day who comes from very deep down in our system. We were in with our shrink. He kept asking questions of this Alter that they had no idea of how to answer because it was not their area. Now you may think that the easy explaination is the tell him that we are not who he thinks we are, and in theory it may be. But that would mean exposing our multiplicity. Dont get me wrong, this shrink knows we are many, but we have not really come out in such a forward way before. Although this alter was out, we still didnt want to let him know that he was talking to someone else. 
I realised that day that we dont, as a rule, let too many of our alters out too often. Even with my multiple friends, we let a few out for a short time, but we are still very protective of keeping up appearances that we are one.  
The need to be seen as one is so very very strong, even infront of a person who has experience and knowledge in dealing with people who are multiples. We have shut up shop a bit today and I feel like we are going into a semi hiding place for a while, to help us not to feel too exposed. I expect for the next few days we will be functioning very much as one person just to bring us back into a sense of security. It may take a while for us to feel safe enough to open up to him and let him see who we really are. It is a very big step. No one gets in here. That how we are safe. This is our world and only we can enter. The trust levels must be very high to let some one in, and I am not sure I have ever trusted anyone that much before. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have someone who knows what it is like inside me.