Alone

I was just reading a post from a friends blog that she wrote several years ago. Although it was written some time ago, I believe it is still very relevant and real for today, in both her life and my own. Butterfly says "

Ive been really sick for the better part of a week now...

And not just sick, but scary sick... I haven't been able to breathe properly for most of the time Ive been sick and that has really brought home to me, the fact that I am here alone most of the time and no-one would know if I died... Well, not until it was time for my girls to be dropped off for the weekend again, or until the stench of my rotting corpse hit the street... Its left me feeling very lonely at times and craving the intimacy of real human touch;

This really caught my attention. I am wondering if it is linked back to the trauma again and the feeling that we are forgotten and that no one really would know or care if we died.
 I know that before I got remarried I had a terrible time with being home alone. When that boys were at their fathers I would often have a week to myself. Even times when I had the boys with me, I felt like no one seemed to know or care that I existed. Sure the boys were there but I was their carer not them caring for me. As I had not long come out of a divorce, my friends were few and far between. I spent many a night just wishing some one, anyone, would be there for me. I felt as if I didn't matter, as if no one really cared for me unless it suited them. I too felt like no one would know if I died  until the boys came home or the smell got too bad. I remember wanting to go and stand on a table in the middle of McDonalds and yell at the top of my lungs: "SOMEONE NOTICE ME!" I guess I felt inconsequential and unimportant in peoples lives.
It seems to me to be a very similar feeling to the lost and lonely child who is dealing with abuse that no one can know about, and no one can save her from. Deep down I had the hope and deperate desire for someone, anyone, to notice what was happening to me and save me. To the best of my knowledge, no one ever did. 
That sense of desertion from the human race can take a long time to leave.
Times when I feel alone, I am left wondering again, if anyone would every miss me. Do people REALLY see me or am I just someone in the back ground who can come and go without anyone noticing. Am I merely a bigger version of that lost forgotten little girl, screeming for someone to notice her, while everyone else is in their own world, busy getting on with the task at hand.

In reply to the conversation we had the other day "C", Maybe that is why being home alone for long periods does our heads in. The panic and fear is still there and we feel truly deserted by the human race. Forgotten and unneeded. Only there for those who want to take advantage.  Better to grab what we can, imperfect as it is, than to have nothing at all and be ALONE! 
By the way "C".....I would miss you!
 

Why does it still hurt so much?

I find myself in a strange place tonight. I have not long got home from my eldest son's year 12 photography exhibition. It was a great chance to see his work and the other year 12 students. My ex husband and his wife were there too. His wife is the woman he left me for about 15years ago. She has a bitter dislike for me and shows it whenever we are in the same place at the same time.
I feel no emotional connection to my ex husband and there is no way in hell I would ever get back with him, but I find my head in a strange place at the moment. When I got home I actually felt sick, like I wanted to throw up. It still seems to hurt so much, but I don't know why. We are years past it all and I have totally moved on.
The only thing I can think of is that some of us inside are stuck back there attached to him. When I look at my new husband tonight all I can see is my ex. My brain is having trouble adjusting to the truth of my new relationship. Maybe for some of us we are still with my ex and still feeling the pain of the separation and divorce.
I know we are very frustrated that his wife acts so vindictive in public and wont even be nice on the surface for the sake of my kids. It frustrates me that all she can do is judge me, and that she doesn't like me. Why doesn't she like me? It is like a hurt little child wanting to be liked. But still we are stuck with our mind on our ex. Again I feel like this is haunting me and I cant just get over it and let it go. It just doesn't seem fair. When they are not around I do not give them a second thought, but if I see them, I will be in pain and confusion for ages. I hate being like this. I wish we really didn't care, but for some reason we do. I hate it. I want so much to be free from the past.

Death of Innocence

One of the big things that has been bugging me lately is the power that a paedophile has over a child. My first preditor was very good at grooming. He knew what he was doing and won me over very well. For most of my life I have felt closer to him than my own parents. This angers me. To this day my connection to him is very strong and I will have a dream with him or one of his family members at least once a week. He is never too far from my mind.
I have also been working with my psychiatrist about my dislike of being touched, especially if that person is being nice to me at the same time. It can send me into a fit of tears, and has as far back as I can remember. My psych says it could be because when I was young and being groomed, my abuser "John" would have said nice things to me, and then abuse me. The connection between it all is deeply ingrained in me. (he started abusing me when I was 4 years old) He knew that I needed to be made to feel special and he made the most of a vulnerable child. 40 years on and I am still unable to accept kind and loving touch without fearing what is coming next.
My friends have learnt to give me a hug and then pull away before they say anything nice,  or as a friend did yesterday, she started to call me silly insults and names as she went in for a hug. I had to laugh it was so sweet. But deep down it is sad that I have so much trouble accepting love.
When I got my wrist tattoo the other day I also got a very small white tear tattooed just below my right eye. I wanted a very small reminder of the Death of innocence.

Tattoo

 This is one of my new Tattoos. On my Right wrist I have the word hope written with a ribbon going down to my thumb with a key on it.
I recently saw something online about hope being the key to getting through things and I loved it. It really spoke to me. After considering several options of how to remind myself, I decided on the tattoo. Without hope we give up, we lose sight of the way out and we can lose ourselves in hopelessness and depression. I remember reading somewhere once about how the Jews who survived in concentration camps were the ones that never gave up hope. It can get us through so much. Sometimes we do lose hope but that is the time when we must ask for hope from others. This is from a book a friend told me about and I find it really speaks to me.


Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,
Pain and confusion are my companions.

I know not where to turn;
looking ahead to future times does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see troubled times,
painful days and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for a while,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand by me,
offer me your presence, your heart and your love.

Acknowledge my pain,
it is so real and ever present
I am overwhelmed
with sad and conflicting thoughts.

 Lend me your hope for a while,
A time will come when I will heal,
and I will share my renewal,
hope and love with others.
                    
               by Author unknown

From the Book- Victory over the darkness by Neil T Anderson.

As trauma survivors it is very easy to get lost in the hopelessness of the pain and endless reminders of the past, but hopefully we will always have someone who will be there to help us get through.

Numb!

Socialising with Multiples

The opportunity to spend time with others like me has changed my life immeasurably. I must admit I spend most of my free time with other multiples. There is an ease associating with others who understand how your brain works. We have our in jokes and sometimes our very dark humour. We have our days when we are working together to get us through some of our toughest issues, and then there are those times when we can barely breath for the laughing. We know how important it is to use effective communication, like writing things down, and we have a knowing patience for things being forgotten. We understand that while we are laughing some days, it is often hiding a pain so deep we can't bare to speak of it. We can talk openly about our struggles with self harm and hatred. We regularly encourage each other to slow down and practise self care. To me, these people are my family. They know me, they understand me, and when I need them, to the best of their ability, they are there. Life is easier because of them. Having a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on, is one of the greatest gifts of life.

More than Bridges

Things are gong really well for me at the moment. Bridges is going along nicely and I have made some great friendships. As we get to know each other better we brave stretching our relationships to new levels. Socialising outside the Friday meeting is now becoming not only the norm, but also essential to getting through my week. It can seem to take forever to get though one week so we can see each other again.
This of course has not been without its challenges, we do have DID after all. While I have been thoroughly enjoying spending time with my friends from Bridges, I  have felt a distance or a wall between us. Totally on my side and by my doing, but nun the less still there. It has taken some time for me to realise it is even there. A couple of weeks ago I realised what it was and why it was there. I haven't had close female friends for years, not really close ones. I have been shutting myself off from it all so I didn't get hurt again. It takes a lot to trust someone and to let them in, and the resulting rejection if things fall apart, can be devastating. It has been so long on my own that I had forgotten how it feels to let someone in. (except my husband)

Once we realised what was happening and the wall came down, I was literally able to see the world in a different way. It was like I had been looking at things through a dirty window on a dark day. Suddenly the view is clear and the sky are blue. I feel like it is a new part of my life. I cannot say I am not anxious about letting people back in. It is always fraught with danger and possible pain, but for now I am enjoying being able to hug my friends again. Not being afraid of every thing I say and do. ( just parts of it) I feel I am able to let these people really get to know me. One way or another. I am pleased to have achieved it and that I am one more step along the road to healing.

Unconditional Love

What is it?
Unconditional Love: affection with no limits or conditions; complete love (online dictionary)

From Wikipedia:
Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism, complete love, or "mother's love." Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. An example of this is a parent's love for their child; no matter a test score, a life changing decision, an argument, or a strong belief, the amount of love that remains between this bond is seen as unchanging and unconditional.

True love, love without conditions. What are the conditions that can so often get in the way?
You are not good enough, you are not what I thought you would be. You are not making me proud by doing what I want. You are embarrassing me in front of my friends. I want you to be different from who you are. You are not tall enough, fast enough, skinny enough. I never really wanted you, you are in my way. You are not perfect. You do not work hard enough. There are thousands of them of course, and we can all name a few.
We all know many people who we would never expect to give us unconditional love. But there are a select few from whom we hope or even expect it from. Family is often one of them. We hope/expect that these people will love and accept us no matter what we do. No matter how hard we push.
What happens when these people do not give us unconditional love. What happens when maybe they are unable or unwilling to give it. It is possible that you learn that your worth becomes entirely based on what you do. You, on your own, have not value. Who you are as a person is not important. What is more important is what you can achieve, who you can impress. If you are not achieving then you have no value. I'll say it again....you have no value!
It is a horrible thing to say to someone. But would we ever say it to someone.  Most of us never would, not directly anyway. But are we saying it indirectly?  Where are are priorities? We often hear someone say they would die for that person. This is rarely tested as there are not many opportunities where are lives are on the line. But a better point is, do you die for them daily? Are they important enough to you to give them time today. Are the other things in your life more important than them. Of course not you say..nothing is more important than a person! But I just can't be there for them today, or this week really...I am just to busy. I will be there for them next week or maybe the week after. They will understand, they know that I love them.
The question is, Do they? Do they really know that you love them, or do they know that actions speak louder than words? Would you die for them daily? Would you give up the life you have made, for them? If the answer is yes, they mean the world to you, then you had better hope that they know it too and that it is seem in your actions. Words are cheap, but actions show dedication and time. Things that are so precious to us now. Can we give of these for the ones we are supposed to unconditional love? Can we stop running in our busy modern lives to enjoy the presence of those around us?
 

OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder)

My husband and I have several cockatiels. It is breading season and we often have to hand raise one or two. This time I am hand raising one. She is becoming very cute and sweet but it has not been without its challenges. Most multiples that I know have at least one Alter that is at least a bit germ obsessed. I too have an alter who is very conscious of germs and mess. With the baby bird inside the house and having to clean up after her, it has been quite a challenge. The desire to clean every thing several times, wash my hands and change my clothes if the bird touched them, can be very overwhelming. It has caused me quite a bit of stress. It has also taken me a bit by surprise. I didn't realise how strong it was.
As time goes on, and as I am better able to hear my Alters, I am learning what they are saying and what is bothering them. I am also able to carry out there wishes more effectively.
When an alter has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) they need to be clean and germ free. They need order. I know many people with DID who carry sanitiser with them constantly. I like to always have clean hands and need to wash them frequently. As yet I have not quite got to the sanitiser stage, but at times I get close. ( I am on medication to help decrease the intensity of the compulsion). I also have an obsession for having clean teeth. I carry a tooth brush with me in my handbag and if I am caught without it I can feel quite distressed. I have even left friend's houses early because I couldn't stand not being able to clean my teeth.
As the baby bird grows and gets less messy, I am finding it a bit easier to cope. She may be the last we hand raise for a while, as it is stressing me out too much. I do enjoy it but the worry about all the germs is doing my head in.