Shoes

I haven't post on here in a few days, I would like to say I have been busy but I am not sure I have. Now that I am not working I am finding there seems to be less spare time than I had when I was working. lol
Yesterday was spent trying to get my Tax sorted out, I was hoping that after my appointment with my tax agent I could sit back and relax and wait for the refund to come rolling in. Hmmmm, that was just foolishness. I now have even more stuff to look for in order to get my tax done than before and the process is going to take even longer than I expected. Grrrr.

I have finished my shoes! What do you think?
 
I was very nervous about the part where I had to put them in the oven to set the paint. I was imagining melted rubber and flames. It was only for 2 mins and I watched to clock very carefully to make sure I didn's leave it too long. Dissociating at this point could have turned out very bad.
I do need to clean the oven, what a mess!...there was a bit of smoke and I had to open the front and back doors of the house to let it all out.
Because the oven must be so hot, I put tea towels on the oven shelves so as to not melt the base of the shoes. My oven is not the best and tends to burn everything we cook on the bottom and still have the top of the food partially uncooked. I had forgotten this when I put the shoes in and didn't raise the level of the shelves to compensate. When I got the shoes out and had left them on the sink to cool I found that the tea towels hadn't feared so well. I had to toss them out. Turns out they were 100% cotton and could have burnt quite easily.

As I have been saying in my posts, I have been very stable lately, and I was starting to do the whole, "maybe I don't really have DID thing". Forgetting of course all the stuff that has happened over the years and focusing on the last few days/weeks.
Yesterday brought me back to reality. After seeing my tax agent, I felt quite unstable and by the end of the day I wasn't coping anywhere near as well as I thought I would. After a small afternoon nap I felt a bit better, but I had definitely lost the thoughts of not having DID.
Before bed I thought I better get to my journal. There was quite a bit I wanted to say and even had one of my alters decide he wanted to have a go at writing. An interesting idea given he is not very old and right handed where I am left handed. It was good though, he would write something and I was able (in time) to reply. It gave us a small moment of communication. Such a special thing and what I long for so much. To know what the others are feeling and to be able to help and talk to them if I can is amazing.
Later I got into bed laying next to my husband, and that small voice said to me "is that Grandpa?" I replied, "No that's Hope's Husband" He was happy with that answer and that was the end of our chat.
I did not sleep well though and there were obviously others who were restless as well. I ended up sleeping in my son's bed (he's not home at the moment) There are many times, as I may have mentioned on here before, when particular alters don't like to be in the same bed as my husband. Especially my teenage alters, so I will not be able to get comfortable and have to move to the couch or spare bed. I guess after all the stress of yesterday there are a few more alters who have things they want to say. I must try to spend some more time today with my journal.

How smart are we?

I admit I am posting on this topic because my friend Sarah started me thinking because of her post on her blog.
http://sarahkreece.blogspot.com/2011/09/mental-illness-and-intelligence.html#comment-form

Intelligence, high IQ, smart. There are definite advantages in life to being smarter, more intelligent. But it is not the only factor in life that determines success. I have actually had my IQ tested many years ago and it was found that I did score very high in many areas. So yes I am classed as intelligent. Does that make me an instant success? Does that mean I am exempt from the hardships in life? NO!
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I am quite high functioning. I am able to work part time and run a household with several young males in it. To talk to me, I appear a confident capable woman, and to a degree I am.
This however does not prevent me from suffering the same mental illness problems as everyone else.
I have had Depression for most of my life and have been medicated for it for over 10years now.  My Doctor says I may never be able to come off my medication as my body may never be able to make the serotonin I need to stabilize my mood. ( I do maintain an unhealthy self medication of chocolate to help with the lighter stresses and symptoms. lol)
My high IQ does not help me in anyway in dealing with this illness. On the contrary, sometimes I make it worse, as I as am inclined to expect more of myself and push myself harder. I expect I should be able to do more.
But the one that hurts the most and I find most frustrating is..."isn't it good you are so intelligent so that you can cope so well and deal with your DID" Why do i find that so hard? Because DID is caused by trauma. If my life had been without serious trauma at such a young age and I had not had to survive by Dissociating to such an extent, I could now be just about anything. A Doctor, lawyer, maybe even the Psychologist I had wanted to be.
There are positives and negatives to every situation and I am by no means sitting here having a pity party. There are many far worse off than I. But please remember, we all equal, my intelligence doesn't save me from these things, and in some cases may make things worse.
We all need a friend and a shoulder to lean on, and just because we may appear to be coping on the out side, doesn't mean we are coping inside. We all have out hardships and we all suffer pain, and to us what we have been through is big for us.

Haunted (may be triggering)

I feel as if 'he', my abuser, has so much of me, no matter where I go, what I do he is with me.
The memory of him is always with me, he haunts my life. In every corner I see him. In every moment he is near, times of joy are tinged with fear and sadness. He is in my thoughts more than those I love.
In my quiet times I think of him. He has the power, he is ever present. He has moulded me into who I am today, he has changed the direction for my life. He has stolen who I could have become. Lost within his clutches, unable to escape.
Feeling his breathe heavy in my ear, close, warm and wet.
Let me go, let me out of here. you have too much of me, you don't need me.
Set me free from your pain, let me live my life.
Let me hold my future in my hands and not fear the night within my heart.
You have had me, you have held me, you have made me your own.
Will you ever let me go, to wander free among the others. Those who do not know your way. who live without the knowledge of the darkness deep inside.
I dont want to live with the shame, the hiding and the tears. I dont want to know your ugliness the darkness you try to hid. I dont want to hold your secrets.
Give to me my innocence. Give to me a life away from pain and fear.
Give to me my freedom and let me fly again.

http://youtu.be/RYVm0qbWIZU
 Evanescence - Going Under

Yesterday

Yesterday was a very interesting day. As I said in my blog I was going to learn how to decorate some shoes. It is amazing how learning a new skill can be so taxing on your energy.

  This is the next part of my shoes. I had to decide on the design and the draw it on the shoes and then go over it with a black waterproof texta. It all took a lot longer than I had expected and I was so tired by the end of this stage. I didn't have the energy to start painting. I am happy with the design so far and am looking forward to having the chance to paint. I am feeling a bit inspired to get back into other painting projects now.





On the journalling front, I did manage to find some time yesterday to journal, mostly because I had regular reminders from inside to get it done. I learned a good lesson. When I make the time to journal what has happened in day both good and bad, and the feelings that have been aroused, I am much more settled to sleep in the evening. Last night I slept so well. I cant remember when I last slept like that.
My aim now is to try and write something in my journal every day, even if it is only basic boring stuff, and hopefully I will be in better communication with my alters and we will work better as a system. I hope.

I have never been very good at regularly writing in diaries or journals. I seem to get a good start and then within a week really cant be bothered. I am hoping with all this new spare time I will be able to find time to express more of what is happening and how I am feeling. It seems to be quite an effort to really get to know myself, it is so easy to avoid spending time on the things that are important.


I have started taking the dog for a walk this week after I drop my son to school. Babe (my dog) loves it.
It is good exercise for me too as my job was quite physical and I don't want to spend my time just sitting around gaining weight and losing fitness.
There is only one draw back, because I have taken her for a nice big walk in the morning, Babe then thinks we are best friends and spends the rest of the day following me every where I go. If I go to the bathroom she will wait outside the door and snort under it if I take too long. She is definitely a faithful friend. Maybe not the smartest dog in the world but very very loving and will do anything to be where you are. As I sit at the dinning table typing this out, she is asleep on her beanbag on the floor in the sun right next to me.
Well that's enough from me today, hope you have a good day, and thanks for reading.

Sleepy

Today I would usually be at work. I decided to keep today reasonably busy so that I don't feel too lost not working. With 3 boys in the house there is always something to get done but I do not want to spend all this time cleaning up after them and just pottering around the house getting little jobs done. I have decided to attend an Art group at MIFSA (Mental Illness Fellowship of South Australia). As you may know by now I am trying to increase my skills in drawing and painting, and hopefully be able to use these to aide my healing and express myself. It has been a while since my last painting and I am keen tt learn more.
 

Today my friend Sarah is going to teach me how to paint canvas shoes. These are my new white canvas shoes, washed dried and ready to go. I will keep you posted on how I go.


I have not been sleeping well for a couple of nights now and last night was unsettling. I kept waking up every few hours with scary images in my head and feeling like I had been seeing flashbacks. I can not remember any of them now I am awake but I am keenly aware that someone inside is not feeling safe.
I have reverted to using my 'U' pillow as it snuggles around my body and makes me feel more secure. I have also found the need to cuddle my big soft bunny at night. This is what I usually need when I am dealing with some of the trauma in therapy. Strangely enough I had not felt the need for either the pillow or bunny for quite some time.
I am hoping to get some time today to be able to sit down quietly and see if anyone on the inside has anything they wish to communicate about how they are feeling and what triggered all these feelings.

Robert Oxnam

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am reading the Book 'Fractured Mind' by Robert B Oxnam. Not only is the book very interesting but also not triggering.
This is an interview done with Robert about his DID. It is very informative and inspiring.
http://youtu.be/C12QD4A5bDE
I recommend watching it.
This is another video done by Robert, including other people and their stories, also very interesting.
http://youtu.be/MUDbB5zB9xY
 Enjoy

The end and the beginning

Today was my last day at work. I had many mixed emotions about it, including anger and frustration at the company I worked for, for not being a better company.
My hope and plan for this time is to be able to spend the spare time I have attained, studying and learning more about my disorder.
With the revelation I had the other day about my gate keeper and being able to now address her by name, I have already increased to level of communication with in my system. I am hoping that as time goes on and with the extra time I will have, I will be able to communicate better and learn even more about the wonders of Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Disclosure

I have only 2 more days working at my job, and today was my final day working at a particular store. During my time there I had become friends with a wonderful lady who has been a great support and source of parenting information for me. She has adult children so was able to advise me on how to deal with some of the troubles I was having with my teenagers. We decided to get together today after work for a farewell coffee. she is such a wonderful kind lady with a mothers heart and I feel so comfortable with her that I decided to tell her I have DID.
She took it so well and was amazed at how well I was coping with working and raising a family. It was a relief that she took it well and I was pleased that I was able to share with and inform someone about the realities of the disorder. We exchanged phone numbers and hugged good bye.
I don't know how much I have achieved today, but at least one more person out there has a better understanding of what our life is like and is able to see past the stigma to the real people trying to live normal lives.
Thank you "J" for your friendship and support.

Fractured Mind

I have just started reading a great new book. Written by Robert B. Oxnam called Fractured Mind, my life with Multiple Personality Disorder.
I am only 40 pages in, but love how it is written. So far I have not encountered anything triggering, which is great. This man is an amazing scholar in Asian Studies. He achieved so much in his life and was not diagnosed until his late 40's. Robert has integrated into down to 3 alters and wants to tell their story of life on the inside not so much what happened on the outside. It is easy to read and very interesting. I highly recommend this book.

Strength

Dinner

I have just finished dinner with my wonderful 18 year old son. He has lived with his father since the beginning of the year so I don't get to see much of him but every now and then we catch up for dinner. Tonight we went to a nice little restaurant/cafe.
I found the beginning of the dinner difficult...you see I am not sure who was forward at the time but whoever it was they were not very familiar with my son and I spent the first half hour feeling like I was having dinner with a stranger..I felt like a stranger myself. Even his face seemed strange to me.
I expect a little bit of the strangeness given it has been a couple of months since we have had dinner together, but we often chat on line or on the phone. This was more than this..it is the strangest feeling. I have known him all his life and feel like I know him very well. We have been very close. By the end of the dinner we were back to us and I knew him again. Obviously whoever was forward at the beginning was not that used to seeing him and not that comfortable around him. Strange feeling when your won son seems a stranger.
On a side note, my son who we shall call 'R' for now, is an amazing young man. Like most parents I worry about how I did raising him, especially as I had undiagnosed DID throughout his childhood. I know I was not a perfect parent. R also has some mild disabilities himself and has spent many years attending Physios, occupational therapist, and doctors. When his father and I divorced many years ago it was very hard on him.
Even with all this, what I see now is a young man who is confident, motivated, and fun loving. He knows how to have a good time, like most boys his age, but he is also applying himself at school and doing very very well. 10years ago I think I could only have hoped for this. Now I see a wonderful intelligent young man who I didn't totally stuff up. I am very very proud to be his mum, R and his brother are still and will always be my greatest achievements.
With all life's trials tears and hardships, I am a very blessed woman.

The Gatekeeper

The night of my last post I hit crashed. Lost the plot and ended up in bed crying and cuddling my favourite big pink bunny, (a comfort toy for my little ones). I had just been doing a bit too much and forgetting to say no to things. I had been going so well for so long i was beginning to feel invincible. As usual we learn all too soon how that is not true and we need to slow down. 
It didn't last long and by the next morning I was back to what I call my normal self, hearing the voices and feeling everyone inside again. This has been great, now I have a chance to get to know them better.
After yet another amazing discussion with a friend of mine on the weekend I have learned a great deal about my system and how it works. I was discussing the fact that I have an alter who I was calling the "watcher" who seemed to watch everything that was happening to the body. My friend suggested that it could be a gatekeeper.
With Multiple personalities the gatekeeper is the one who usually controls the information that comes out of the body, the memories and often who will be able to come forward. In my case in particular My gatekeeper tries to control most of the things I do. This is so the little ones don't get out of control in public and so we do our very best to look like a 43 year old woman and basically hide that the others are in there.
My gatekeeper likes to keep the body running with in some pretty tight boundaries so that she knows things will be safe. This can include foods I eat, money I spend and activities I do throughout the day. I definitely involves the words I say, the things I can remember and how I feel.
It is frustrating at times to have someone who insists on things always being done a particular way and not being very open to change. At first I was very angry with her but now I realize that she has been key in getting me to where I am today. Her job has always been to make us look normal so that no one will know what is going on inside. To keep us getting through the day with order and control so that we don't fall in a heap on the floor or spend all day dancing around and playing with toys. It is most likely because of her that I have managed to raise my boys so well on my own. I am grateful for all the work she has done, and now we can work together to let her take a break sometimes when it is safe so the others can have time out too.
This is an amazing time of discovery.....I am fascinated with the goings on in my own mind.

Dissociation

I wanted to add a personal note to the post on the 31/8/11 from Sarah.
13/14years ago my first husband left me for another woman. 4 days later I found out I was 5 months pregnant with our second son. The next few months/years were some of the hardest of my life, especially in regards to my DID. ( although I was not diagnosed at that time )
One of the things I did not really notice until a few years later was the loss of my sense of smell. Obviously in order to deal with all the stresses of that time I lived most of my life at least partially dissociated.
My sons are now 18 and 13, and over the last few years as my life as improved immensely. I have learned so much about my condition, and my sense of smell has started to return. It is spring here in Australia and I am for the first time in years able to smell the fresh cut grass. Such a wonderful smell. I have also noticed that my sense of touch is improving. Not so much a problem in my hands but my face. My exfoliating cream I have been using for months now actually seems abrasive, I can feel my husbands arm and jumper fabric when I rest my head on it to watch TV. It is like coming alive again after a hibernation.
I guess ultimately it is a sign that I am in a much better place in my life, and that is good.

At Bridges they keep saying there is HOPE for people with DID and at times when you are dealing with the trauma and hurt it can be hard to see. But I can see now that my life will go on and there is much I can do. I see and feel the HOPE. I hope you can too.

Update

Hi everyone,
You may have noticed some small changes to my site. I have added some book recommendations. There is so much information out there and I am hoping to be able to share that which I have found helpful.
On a personal level, I resigned from my part time job a few weeks ago and will be finishing there next week. I have decided to take some time to heal. Financially we can afford for me to be off for a few months and I am hoping to be able to spend more time reading up about DID and journaling and generally doing some of the things I enjoy. Hopefully allowing me more time to deal with my past.
I haven't done much lately as I have been very stable and haven't changed much at all for the last 4 weeks. I have hardly dissociated and am getting heaps done around home. I think this is mostly because I am avoiding dealing with some of the more intense memories. On the home front my husband has been working hard at his full time job and the part time business we run. I think I am also trying to remain helpful and stable to him so as to not leave him with another mess to have to deal with in a day. On top of all that life is good at the moment. I will be glad to not have to deal with the pressure and problems at work.
One of the many mysteries of DID is the fact that for periods of time we can be stable. Not change, live what may seem a normal life. It can be very strange. It is often a time when I doubt my diagnosis as the symptoms don't seem relevant. When I go back and reread all the posts on here and the other things I have written I remember that it is all real and in time I will return to the confused and seemingly lost state I was in. Hopefully a little wiser than before.
With the weekly Bridges meetings (Dissociative disorders support group)  I am attending I am finding myself feeling supported and not alone. I know others with the condition and I can chat to them and learn from their experiences. It can be a difficult time as I can dissociate and switch during our meetings but having the support is worth so much that I cant imagine not having it.

We are holding and information forum on Dissociative Identity Disorder on Friday 23rd September 2011 in Adelaide. This is for people with the disorder and friends and family who wish to learn more. Speakers will explain the disorder and share from some of their personal experiences with DID. Very informative.
If you wish to attend please let me know. 

I am feeling very positive this week and i hope that you are the same. 

From Sarah

I have included this week a piece from the blog of a friend of mine, from whom I am learning heaps. (Bridges is a support group we attend weekly for people with Dissociative disorders, including DID) 


 In Bridges last week we shared the incredible experience of surfacing from chronic sensory dissociation. Sometimes people experience short episodes of dissociation, lasting hours to days. Some of us experience chronic dissociation that can last for years, sometimes punctuated by little episodes of reconnecting. When this happens, it is a very precious experience and important to make time to treasure. I've experienced chronic dissociation where for months my sight has been dim, colours seem dark and dull to me, my hearing is poor, my taste and smell are dulled, and my skin doesn't perceive touch clearly. Everything is dulled, far away, darkened. It feels like being a zombie, alive but dead.

Coming back to life, even if it's only brief, is glorious. To taste, smell, or feel things clearly, sharply, is intense. Being numbed by dissociation can be like walking about muffled in a huge overcoat. Taking this off and feeling the breeze on your skin, the sunlight, the smell of gum trees or grass, is an intense and sensual experience. Chronic dissociation can leave you raw, like feet kept in shoes all winter long, they are tender when you first walk barefoot in the spring. If you experience chronic dissociation, treasure any moments it subsides. Take time to touch life, to breathe it in, to remind yourself what it feels like to be alive. These are the memories that keep us going when our world goes dark again. This is what we are fighting for.
Sarah Reece: Holding my childhood to ransom. 


In case you are interested Sarah is also an accomplished artist and some of her work is displayed on her site.