Hi everyone,
I haven't been on here for a while, It has taken a bit of effort to get on here today. I have been working with my Therapist about some of the abuse I went through and she has been wanting me to dig a little deeper. I guess we have felt a little unready or unwilling to go deeper as I have spent the last 2 weeks totally stable and not changing, I have been able to work well, get heaps done and been very emotionally stable. It has been great.
The off shoot of all that is of course I have not wanted to acknowledge I have DID at all. I have not felt like I have had it. I have barely heard any voices in my head and with no switching I have been "normal".
But I know I must face the past at some time to be able to heal from it. I decided this weekend that it was time to face the past again. So I am here to accept that I have DID and that I have issues to face. It is not easy but it must be done.
Already I can feel my energy decreasing. I can feel the voices increasing and I feel less stable. I guess it is a long road to recovery and it is scary and some days I really don't want to face it. But here goes. Please keep me in your thoughts.
28 August, 2011
15 August, 2011
Smile
I haven't been posting that much lately, but there is as always much to tell. I was just rereading a few of my previous posts on the Blog. It is interesting to see how far I have come in such a short time.
I have met some amazing people over the last few months and I have to say I now can't imagine not having them in my life. As I may have already said on here, I have for some time been attending a support group for people who hear voices. Well recently at the same place a group was started for people with Dissociative disorders. Oh my goodness what an amazing thing it is to be in a room with others who have what you have and can totally understand what is happening. Don't get me wrong, every one is different and every one experiences their disorder in a different way. But for the very first time in my life I didn't feel like a broken discarded person, I felt normal. It is such an amazing feeling, knowing that you are not alone and that others struggle with the same struggles you do and that they have made it too. One of the group leaders is a fountain of knowledge and an amazing woman. They are all so accepting, I don't have to put on a front or pretend to be better than I am. If I am having a bad day that is fine.
I highly recommend joining a support group for any condition you may be dealing with. I can't guarantee they will all be as good as what I am experiencing but it may very well be worth a try.
On the Weekend we had a social get together for those of us who attended the voice hearers group. a campfire at one members house with baked spuds, lavish toppings, and marshmallows.
What a night. We started early but finished late. We just talked and talked. Because we were already used to talking in our group I think that made it easier. It was one of the most relaxing and open events I have been too. We all hear voices, some because of Schizophrenia others due to Dissociative disorders, and we talked openly about what we are going through, what is important to us and how we are coping with life. We laughed and laughed. An amazing weekend, with amazing people.
I have met some amazing people over the last few months and I have to say I now can't imagine not having them in my life. As I may have already said on here, I have for some time been attending a support group for people who hear voices. Well recently at the same place a group was started for people with Dissociative disorders. Oh my goodness what an amazing thing it is to be in a room with others who have what you have and can totally understand what is happening. Don't get me wrong, every one is different and every one experiences their disorder in a different way. But for the very first time in my life I didn't feel like a broken discarded person, I felt normal. It is such an amazing feeling, knowing that you are not alone and that others struggle with the same struggles you do and that they have made it too. One of the group leaders is a fountain of knowledge and an amazing woman. They are all so accepting, I don't have to put on a front or pretend to be better than I am. If I am having a bad day that is fine.
I highly recommend joining a support group for any condition you may be dealing with. I can't guarantee they will all be as good as what I am experiencing but it may very well be worth a try.
On the Weekend we had a social get together for those of us who attended the voice hearers group. a campfire at one members house with baked spuds, lavish toppings, and marshmallows.
What a night. We started early but finished late. We just talked and talked. Because we were already used to talking in our group I think that made it easier. It was one of the most relaxing and open events I have been too. We all hear voices, some because of Schizophrenia others due to Dissociative disorders, and we talked openly about what we are going through, what is important to us and how we are coping with life. We laughed and laughed. An amazing weekend, with amazing people.
02 August, 2011
Rebecca
For as long as I can remember I have always gone through times of extreme insecurity about being loved. The desire was insatiable and no matter what my partner did to reasure me of how much he loves me I couldnt feel it and would often just keep asking "do you love me?"
My husband is very understanding and will give me a big cuddle or say he loves me 'this much' as he spreads his arms as wide as he could.
It never really made a difference to how I felt. Deep down I still felt unloved. Last night it happened again and i asked myself why I felt this way. I found out.
A little girl named Rebecca kept repeating "Do you love me Daddy, do you love me?" She said it several times. I did my best to reassure she is loved and slowly she left.
I realized that although I am very aware with my conscious mind that I don't often feel love from my father, I didn't realize it went so deep and that a separate person held that feeling so deeply that no amount of reassuring could comfort her. What I needed as a child going through the horrors I experienced was love and reassurance. It never came. I am now 43yo, and I still feel that need for his acceptance, that love is missing, "Why am I this way that he couldn't love me?" My conscious mind knows it is not my fault, but I know that does not run very deep. Not far below the surface I feel it is all my fault, the abuse, the lack of love, somehow I deserved it. I was Evil. I am unlovable.
We have a very long way to go.
My husband is very understanding and will give me a big cuddle or say he loves me 'this much' as he spreads his arms as wide as he could.
It never really made a difference to how I felt. Deep down I still felt unloved. Last night it happened again and i asked myself why I felt this way. I found out.
A little girl named Rebecca kept repeating "Do you love me Daddy, do you love me?" She said it several times. I did my best to reassure she is loved and slowly she left.
I realized that although I am very aware with my conscious mind that I don't often feel love from my father, I didn't realize it went so deep and that a separate person held that feeling so deeply that no amount of reassuring could comfort her. What I needed as a child going through the horrors I experienced was love and reassurance. It never came. I am now 43yo, and I still feel that need for his acceptance, that love is missing, "Why am I this way that he couldn't love me?" My conscious mind knows it is not my fault, but I know that does not run very deep. Not far below the surface I feel it is all my fault, the abuse, the lack of love, somehow I deserved it. I was Evil. I am unlovable.
We have a very long way to go.
01 August, 2011
The weight of your disapproval
Why is it that I suffer under the weight of your disapproval?
Why is it that nothing I do seems enough?
Why is it that I never seem to know that you love me,
and why is it that you cannot see my tears?
Why is it that you never know my heartache?
Why is it that you never see my fear?
Why is it that you never know my heartbreak
and why is it that you cannot feel my tears?
Why is it that you never hold my hand close?
Why is it that you never call my name?
Why is it that you do not know my heartbeat,
and why is it that you cannot hear my tears?
Why is it that I still want your approval?
Why is it that I still want you to care?
Why is it that your rejection still can hurt me
and why is it that i wish you'd calm my tears?
Why is it that you never seem to love me?
Why is it that you never seem to care?
Why is it that i never hear your heart beat
and why is it that you hide behind your fears?
Why is it that you cannot face my future?
Why is it that you cannot see my past?
Why is it that I have no hope with in me,
and why is it that my dreams are fading fast?
Why is it that you chose to even have me?
Why is it that you even said hello?
Why is it that you dare to say you love me,
and why is it that you somehow never go?
Why is it that I cannot live without you?
why is it that I cannot stand alone?
why is it that I long for your affection,
and why is it that you never stay too long?
Why is it that I can never get a word in?
why is it that you are always right?
why is it that I never have the answers,
why is it that you never hear me speak.
When will it be that I can know your loving?
When will it be when I can know you care?
When will it be that you can hear my heartbeat,
and when will it be when my heart can live complete?
When will it be when I can know your approval?
When will it be when you say,' you are my pride'?
When will it be when you look at me with honour,
and when will it be when I know that you are mine.
When will it be that I am with you?
When will it be that I am free?
When will it be when choice is mine for taking,
and when will it be, when i am free.
In this world there is one thing we all need and want, Love. True, unconditional love. In this world it is one of the hardest things to come by.
Deep down every one, and yes I do mean everyone, wants to know they are important to those in their lives. They want to know they count, that they have a place in someone's heart.
More than anything, no matter what they do or what they say, that place that love will never change. Living your life with someones disapproval is a heavy weight to have to carry. A burden that in time damages and disables. I'm never going to be good enough, I am always at fault. I can never be that perfect.
It breads death, and kills hope.
Why is it that nothing I do seems enough?
Why is it that I never seem to know that you love me,
and why is it that you cannot see my tears?
Why is it that you never know my heartache?
Why is it that you never see my fear?
Why is it that you never know my heartbreak
and why is it that you cannot feel my tears?
Why is it that you never hold my hand close?
Why is it that you never call my name?
Why is it that you do not know my heartbeat,
and why is it that you cannot hear my tears?
Why is it that I still want your approval?
Why is it that I still want you to care?
Why is it that your rejection still can hurt me
and why is it that i wish you'd calm my tears?
Why is it that you never seem to love me?
Why is it that you never seem to care?
Why is it that i never hear your heart beat
and why is it that you hide behind your fears?
Why is it that you cannot face my future?
Why is it that you cannot see my past?
Why is it that I have no hope with in me,
and why is it that my dreams are fading fast?
Why is it that you chose to even have me?
Why is it that you even said hello?
Why is it that you dare to say you love me,
and why is it that you somehow never go?
Why is it that I cannot live without you?
why is it that I cannot stand alone?
why is it that I long for your affection,
and why is it that you never stay too long?
Why is it that I can never get a word in?
why is it that you are always right?
why is it that I never have the answers,
why is it that you never hear me speak.
When will it be that I can know your loving?
When will it be when I can know you care?
When will it be that you can hear my heartbeat,
and when will it be when my heart can live complete?
When will it be when I can know your approval?
When will it be when you say,' you are my pride'?
When will it be when you look at me with honour,
and when will it be when I know that you are mine.
When will it be that I am with you?
When will it be that I am free?
When will it be when choice is mine for taking,
and when will it be, when i am free.
In this world there is one thing we all need and want, Love. True, unconditional love. In this world it is one of the hardest things to come by.
Deep down every one, and yes I do mean everyone, wants to know they are important to those in their lives. They want to know they count, that they have a place in someone's heart.
More than anything, no matter what they do or what they say, that place that love will never change. Living your life with someones disapproval is a heavy weight to have to carry. A burden that in time damages and disables. I'm never going to be good enough, I am always at fault. I can never be that perfect.
It breads death, and kills hope.
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