Alone

I was just reading a post from a friends blog that she wrote several years ago. Although it was written some time ago, I believe it is still very relevant and real for today, in both her life and my own. Butterfly says "

Ive been really sick for the better part of a week now...

And not just sick, but scary sick... I haven't been able to breathe properly for most of the time Ive been sick and that has really brought home to me, the fact that I am here alone most of the time and no-one would know if I died... Well, not until it was time for my girls to be dropped off for the weekend again, or until the stench of my rotting corpse hit the street... Its left me feeling very lonely at times and craving the intimacy of real human touch;

This really caught my attention. I am wondering if it is linked back to the trauma again and the feeling that we are forgotten and that no one really would know or care if we died.
 I know that before I got remarried I had a terrible time with being home alone. When that boys were at their fathers I would often have a week to myself. Even times when I had the boys with me, I felt like no one seemed to know or care that I existed. Sure the boys were there but I was their carer not them caring for me. As I had not long come out of a divorce, my friends were few and far between. I spent many a night just wishing some one, anyone, would be there for me. I felt as if I didn't matter, as if no one really cared for me unless it suited them. I too felt like no one would know if I died  until the boys came home or the smell got too bad. I remember wanting to go and stand on a table in the middle of McDonalds and yell at the top of my lungs: "SOMEONE NOTICE ME!" I guess I felt inconsequential and unimportant in peoples lives.
It seems to me to be a very similar feeling to the lost and lonely child who is dealing with abuse that no one can know about, and no one can save her from. Deep down I had the hope and deperate desire for someone, anyone, to notice what was happening to me and save me. To the best of my knowledge, no one ever did. 
That sense of desertion from the human race can take a long time to leave.
Times when I feel alone, I am left wondering again, if anyone would every miss me. Do people REALLY see me or am I just someone in the back ground who can come and go without anyone noticing. Am I merely a bigger version of that lost forgotten little girl, screeming for someone to notice her, while everyone else is in their own world, busy getting on with the task at hand.

In reply to the conversation we had the other day "C", Maybe that is why being home alone for long periods does our heads in. The panic and fear is still there and we feel truly deserted by the human race. Forgotten and unneeded. Only there for those who want to take advantage.  Better to grab what we can, imperfect as it is, than to have nothing at all and be ALONE! 
By the way "C".....I would miss you!
 

Why does it still hurt so much?

I find myself in a strange place tonight. I have not long got home from my eldest son's year 12 photography exhibition. It was a great chance to see his work and the other year 12 students. My ex husband and his wife were there too. His wife is the woman he left me for about 15years ago. She has a bitter dislike for me and shows it whenever we are in the same place at the same time.
I feel no emotional connection to my ex husband and there is no way in hell I would ever get back with him, but I find my head in a strange place at the moment. When I got home I actually felt sick, like I wanted to throw up. It still seems to hurt so much, but I don't know why. We are years past it all and I have totally moved on.
The only thing I can think of is that some of us inside are stuck back there attached to him. When I look at my new husband tonight all I can see is my ex. My brain is having trouble adjusting to the truth of my new relationship. Maybe for some of us we are still with my ex and still feeling the pain of the separation and divorce.
I know we are very frustrated that his wife acts so vindictive in public and wont even be nice on the surface for the sake of my kids. It frustrates me that all she can do is judge me, and that she doesn't like me. Why doesn't she like me? It is like a hurt little child wanting to be liked. But still we are stuck with our mind on our ex. Again I feel like this is haunting me and I cant just get over it and let it go. It just doesn't seem fair. When they are not around I do not give them a second thought, but if I see them, I will be in pain and confusion for ages. I hate being like this. I wish we really didn't care, but for some reason we do. I hate it. I want so much to be free from the past.

Death of Innocence

One of the big things that has been bugging me lately is the power that a paedophile has over a child. My first preditor was very good at grooming. He knew what he was doing and won me over very well. For most of my life I have felt closer to him than my own parents. This angers me. To this day my connection to him is very strong and I will have a dream with him or one of his family members at least once a week. He is never too far from my mind.
I have also been working with my psychiatrist about my dislike of being touched, especially if that person is being nice to me at the same time. It can send me into a fit of tears, and has as far back as I can remember. My psych says it could be because when I was young and being groomed, my abuser "John" would have said nice things to me, and then abuse me. The connection between it all is deeply ingrained in me. (he started abusing me when I was 4 years old) He knew that I needed to be made to feel special and he made the most of a vulnerable child. 40 years on and I am still unable to accept kind and loving touch without fearing what is coming next.
My friends have learnt to give me a hug and then pull away before they say anything nice,  or as a friend did yesterday, she started to call me silly insults and names as she went in for a hug. I had to laugh it was so sweet. But deep down it is sad that I have so much trouble accepting love.
When I got my wrist tattoo the other day I also got a very small white tear tattooed just below my right eye. I wanted a very small reminder of the Death of innocence.