Supportive friend

I have had an interesting day today. An old friend who had visited a week or so ago, came back for another visit. The first visit was very stressful and left us shaken for a couple of days. This old friend, lets call him 'R' has known me for nearly 10years, but I have not seen him for at least 4years. He is a very lovely and caring man with a great heart. When he came around a week or so ago it became evident that it was not me he was used to hanging out with. He had obviously spent most of his time hanging out with another one of us from inside. I personally have very few memories of our times together, yet he regaled me with several occasions when we were together and or on the phone together. None of these were familiar and the behaviour he said I exhibited was very much not mine, and definitely belonged to some one else in our system. Needless to say I found his first visit in such a long time to be quite traumatic. He is very tall and a big man, when he enters a room you know it. His size alone can be intimidating. He is a gentle giant and loves to give hugs. I am of course not the one who likes all that hugging and found it to be way too much. It left us all shaken for days. He had said he would pop around another day and I was not looking forward to it.
When he called today to pop in I knew what I was going to do. I welcomed him in, (no hug) made him a coffee and we sat in the lounge. I started to talk to him about my Disorder. I explained that the person he had been friends with most of the time was not me and that it was a totally different part of me. I, personally, am not that keen on all the hugging, touching and conversation matter he had discussed recently. Fortunately R has worked as a carer for people with Disabilities and for some one with DID. He also knew some other people before that with DID so he is quite up to date on the disorder. I was so pleased. Not only did he understand my disorder but he also went on to tell me that he had suspected it for several years now. He remembers how different I was all those years ago and how one day I could be totally different from another.One day I might be more prudish and then the next totally the opposite. How I would forget things we had done or said,  only 3 days previously. It had sparked his curiosity. He is very supportive and I appreciate having someone who not only gets it, but can also remember me in the past. ( I cant! lol)
It is always a struggle to find people who understand this disorder, and who dont expect us to be an axe yeilding murderer. It is always a blessing to get understanding from someone, who can accept all your changes and memory issues. 

my whinge!

'Things have been getting better with my immediate family lately. Things were starting to settle down. I was beginning to feel relaxed, I was even starting to get my sense of smell back. ( My sense of smell is the first thing to go when I am stressed and or dissociated).
Then today hit. Like a tone of bricks. My son 'J' had been home sick for a few days. I didn't think much of it and only took him to the doctors today to just make sure it wasn't anything major. After leaving the doctors surgery I got a phone call from my ex husband, J's dad.  J was in trouble again. It has not been an easy few years with him. He had lulled me into a false sense of calm and trust. I was just beginning to trust him again after the last incident which had involved the police.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....quite honestly, how much stronger can I get. I sat with my Psychologist the other day we listed of the things I have been facing over the last few years. She said she often sees patients with one or even two of these things to deal with, but never this many. I am not sure if I should be pleased or cry. Her is a short list of some of them.
Me
Dissociative Identity disorder
Depression
Anxiety
Post Traumatic stress disorder
Arthritis
High blood pressure (not really surprising given the list)
( and few relatively minor physical health issues)
 Hubby - degenerative kidney disease
Boys
 ADD
Developmental delay
Low muscle tone
ADHD
gifted child
Gay child
Child in trouble with police
Children skipping school
Step family ( that one is just a tricky little bundle)
This is not including, my own divorce, my parents divorce, my father disappearing during my teens, and of course the abuse I endured as a child.
There are probably a few other incidentals I have forgotten for now, but I am sure we can now safely say.... it is time for a break. A full year without any thing nasty would be nice. I have learnt not to hold my breathe waiting for that. I am sure there are others out there who have suffered far worse than me... but this is my little whinge! Done!

P.S. J turns 14 tomorrow. Happy birthday my son!

Languages of Love

Is it love that I seek, or attention, is it unconditional acceptance. As a child, getting some ones attention makes us feel loved. As adults this can be true too. But not all attention is equal. My abusers gave me attention, and in some cases lots of it. So much so that I attached to one of them far more strongly than my own parents. But this was not love. True love would not take a child and put your needs ahead or a child's safety and sanity. That was merely grooming me, connecting with me and getting me to trust him, so that he had control and power. That was abuse of my innocence, but to this day I still yearn for that 'love'.

There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. In it Gary says that we feel and express love through one of the five languages of love. Some people feel loved through physical contact, like hugs. Enough hugs and cuddles, and these people will know you love them. For others it is buying of gifts, or quality time, word of affirmation, or acts of service. If we can know which language the important people in our lives feel love with , we can make sure they get what they need. We also can learn our own language and what makes us feel loved. Although we generally have a more dominant method of feeling loved, we can feel it through several forms. If I have a partner who needs quality time to feel loved and I am constantly showering them with gifts, because that is how I feel loved. Chances are they will not be feeling the fullness of the love I have to share with them. When I sit down quietly and make time with them to listen to what they have to say, or even do a fun activity they enjoy, they can see how important they are to me.
How many times have fathers gone out day after day working to earn money for their families, when all the family really wanted was time. It is an interesting thought. How we perceive love and its expression may not be that same as how others perceive it.
What I was taught was love, may not really be it. Sex is not love. It can be, but it often is not. The same with touching and holding. Telling me how pretty I am may not be love either. All the languages above can be used and as tool to gain influence over someone. They can feel like love, but it is only manipulation. On the other hand, there are those who love someone immensely and don't have the ability to effectively show it. Love can be a very illusive thing.
It is one of the essentials of life. We are responsible for showing someone love and not manipulation. It is one of life's hardest things bit one of its most needed.