How does it all work in there?

Hi every one,
I haven't posted in a while, life has been a bit busy. I have had quite the social life, which is great. On top of that I have also lost a couple of days to Anxiety attacks, no fun at all. This week is looking to be a bit of a quieter week so hopefully I can catch up on a bit of blogging and share some of the great things I have been learning on this crazy journey.
As I may have mentioned previously I have a 13year old son who is very curious about my disorder, and asks me many questions about what it is like and how it works. During on of your deep chats about DID he asked me how all the Alters work together and change around. How do they function. I came up with an analogy that I think works pretty well and want to share it here so it may help others to get a better grasp of how a DID brain can work.

Imagine a Combi Van, grab a handful of people and put them in the van. One of those people will drive the van, one may sit next to them. The passenger may just watch where they are going of maybe give directions. They may even pull the steering wheel to try and get the driver to go where they want. The rest of the people are in the back of the van. depending on where they are sitting and if the can see out the windows they may or may not be aware of what is going on and where they are going. They may yell to the driver to go somewhere or slow down. Then right at the back of the van, you may have one or two fast asleep totally unaware of what is happening and where they are going. There may not really even be aware that there are others in the van. At various times throughout life's journey different people may want to drive, or have a greater say in what they do or where they go. They may chose to swap seats with the driver and the driver may be tired and go have asleep at the back.
I am sure you are getting the picture. The Combi van is obviously the mind/body and the people are the Alters. Depending on what is happening they may be relaxing at the back, or acting like kids in the back of the car. All wanting their voice to be heard on what they think should be happening.
It can get pretty noisy in there and chaotic, and good luck to the driver with all that going on. Not everyone with DID hears all the chaos but I think this is a pretty good description of how my situation works and from what I hear form others, it suits them too.
I hope that has given you a better understanding of how we work.
If you have DID and have any other analogies please share them here. I would love to hear your ideas.

Parental Denial

I was commenting the other day at Bridges about how when we disclose our diagnosis to friends and family, particularly family, their response is often some what deflating. Sometimes they take it like it is a weather report. "Hmm that's not good dear!" Subsequent updates on our progress can often deliver the same response. This can of course be a little disappointing when we are expecting our family to be there for us and understanding.
It seems this is often a common response  from family and after exchanging a few of our own experiences with each other we concluded that maybe it was a case of parental denial.
What parent wants to accept that their child is ill or has been abused. Its not easy to take. Maybe they too are struggling to deal with their own denial. Maybe they have hidden their suspicions for years and just hoped they were wrong. I guarantee most parents feel at least some level of guilt for in some way allowing this to happen.
As I mentioned in my previous post, denial must be tacked slowly and when the person is ready. I know we may need or want their support right away, but maybe they need some time to come to grips with what has happened too. There may be a rare few who really just don't care, but I would say most would be now wondering to some to degree or another..what do I do now?

De'Nile, a beautiful place to live!

 Last night I attended my first meeting of Support for Adult survivors of Child abuse. It is run a bit differently from the other groups I attend, and as usual I was nervous going for the first time. Fortunately one of the ladies I know from my Bridges group was there to make me feel more comfortable.
How did I go? Hmmmm, interesting question......it was quite a revealing night. I have felt for most of my life that I had been abused, and of course it is confirmed when I get into therapy with my Psychologist. I have also felt I was pretty accepting of that and the affects it has had on me.

How wrong was I!!!!

The biggest thing I realized last night was that I am in major denial!!

"De'Nile" is a beautiful place to be. Palm trees, blue water, and a selection of interesting sights to see. Nothing bad happens there.
But we all know what does happen, eventually you must leave and return to reality. I'm not sure I like reality...it can seem so harsh.

As the first person started to speak at the SASCA meeting, about how we are not to blame for what happened to us, and how much it affects us even on through adult life. I was thinking to myself "it wasn't that bad, it didn't have that much of an affect on me". It took me a few seconds to realize the stupidity of this statement given my diagnosis of DID, and the life long problems I have faced, like Depression and anxiety. As the meeting went on and I listened to more and more stories of how survivors are coping with life, it really sank in.
We had also been discussing in Bridges the other day, how it is often easy to accept that we had a "bad childhood" or to say "my childhood wasn't that good" or even for us Multiples.."my alter was abused". These things are not that hard to accept because it does not involve connecting it directly to us. To think of one of my alters as being abused pushes it away and makes it feel like it has happened to some one else.(even though they are still a part of me)
But one of the hardest things to say is......"I was abused",
"I had an abusive childhood."
"Someone took advantage of me in a horrible way and I still carry very deep scars."
By talking about it in the 3rd person it makes it easier, it didn't really happen to me, it was just someone I know.
But when we take hold of it and acknowledge it was us...we need to face the truth. The truth that someone we knew, who we trusted and loved, used and hurt us. That those who were meant to be there to protect us, weren't. But most of all we must face the anger and pain. The pain we have fought so hard for so long to forget.
I can understand why I have spent so much time in denial, and why I am reluctant even now to leave its warm embrace. What person would want to live through that? But we must, this is healing, and from all accounts of those who have gone before us... it is worth it! It is hard, and even cruel, and not something we should even have to deal with. But we do and it is worth it!


 I cannot say I am ready to give up my denial. I also know I can not make it happen before I am ready. But at least now I am one step closer to seeing the truth and being able to face reality.
I may miss the palm trees, blue water and scenic views, but in the end I will be able to see a much better view, maybe with tropical waters, sandy beaches, and hopefully without fear, anger and pain.