nature vs nurture (may be triggering)

I have also been considering nature vs nurture. Specifically in relation to my trauma. My sexual abuse began about when I was 4 years old,  at the hands of several men. I can not say I had any safe male role models. From such an early age, I learnt very well how to satisfy and please a man. Many of that stuff still comes naturally now. It really isn't rocket science anyway but when you have spent your whole life learning it doesn't take long to get the hang of it.

Because that is all I have known I have always considered myself to be heterosexual. I find men attractive as that is the only experience I know. The question is....would I still be heterosexual if I had not been taught that way of life as a child. I want to take some time to step back from what I Have always done and known, and look at things from a new perspective. I have known for some time that we have a lesbian alter, and so have been referring to the body as Bi sexual for a while. I wonder if there isn't more to it than that. My/our time with men has not been very successful and I have to say I do not know too many I can really trust.
As we let our lesbian alter "H" more time out and more freedom, I am seeing that she has much to teach me/us. I can not recall if H has had any real life experience with a woman, I don't think so. One thing she has shown us is that we equate men and sex with anger and that it affects our experience of sex. Maybe I was born a lesbian, maybe life has brought me to this path, and maybe this is just a time of searching and trying. Who knows, but this is one of the many adventures we are opening ourselves up to. We want to make a life that is ours. We are not like others, we do not function like others, so why should we constantly adjust who we are for them. This is our life and we are going to make it our own.

Where from here?

Separating from my hubby has opened so many doors for me internally. By the end of my time in the relationship I was having trouble sleeping just about every night. Now with hind sight I can see what was really happening inside. There were of course problems in the marriage, things that I really wasn't coping with.
When things get to hard for me to handle I have an alter who comes over and covers up all the bad stuff so I don't remember it, and tells me every thing is fine. I believe this of course and life goes on. The situation has not changed and life is not OK but externally I don't realise this. But my alters do inside. They know they are still not happy and that nothing has been sorted out. The more it is covered the more unsettled they get. They are not able to just forget the pain we are going through and they need to communicate that to me so I can make the changes to keep us safe. Hence the restless and sleepless nights. As I listen to these signals, I am learning more and more about my system. I am realising that I am only one of many and I am here to serve a purpose in the group. I am not here just to do what I want, but I have a responsibility to the others inside to help keep them safe. More and more I get the sense of being part of a team, working together to make a life.
I am feeling excited and happy but it changes how I see our life and the future. In moving house I have also put aside many of the things I had planned for my future. I have chosen a small house with a small back yard with low upkeep. I know that in the future I have a lot of work to do internally and it can take so much of my time and energy. I have lost days in bed because we just cant get up and face the world. I am slowly filling the freezer with left over meals for the boys so that when I am having a bad day or two, they will still have good food to eat.
 I have had to give up my life long dream of being happily married with children. I now consider marriage, at least in its conventional sense, beyond my reach. I have an alter who loves to garden, and reveled in the challenge our last house presented to create a garden of many hidden spaces and retreats. My/our life is taking a turn I never could have imagined 20 or so years ago. I always wanted to be married and have children. That was my dream from childhood. I guess I have done it, a couple of times now, so cant complain. It is just not going to continue as I had expected. Don't get me wrong I am not unhappy with my life. I am really enjoying myself, more than I have for quite a while. I am just finding now is a time of reflection and consideration of where I have come and where I want to go from here. I think that is the big secret.....Where do I WANT to go from here.

Im back!

HI Everyone, It has been quite a while since I have been on here, partly because of all the moving and changes, and partly because we haven't had any Internet. I have just connected it all and it seems to be running fine. YAY!
We are getting settled in the new house, things are still a bit messy and I don't have homes for all my stuff yet. It is starting to get annoying but there is not much I can do until my old house sells and I have the money to buy some more furniture. I have a mattress that is currently on the floor as I don't have a bed. My clothes are still in bags as I don't have draws to put them in, but the basics are done like the fridge, TVs and washing machine. I have both my boys with me again now and I am slowly adjusting to the 'fun' of having my two teenage boys in the house.
My eldest has been living with his dad for the last 2 years and is now living with me. He moved out the same time I got diagnosed with DID, so he has very little knowledge about it and so far is not coping well with the concept, let alone if I switch. We have already had to have a few serious chats about how he is handling the concept, as he is coming off very arrogant and rude. He is not at all accepting of it and I find it very hurtful to be living in such an environment. He has a lot to learn and I imagine he will have to learn quickly once things settle down and all my alters come out of lock down and I start switching again.
Money is very tight with all the shifting and will be until we get settled. I hate living like this. I find I need a bit if spare cash as mad money or it stresses me out too much. Hopefully not too much longer and we will be on top of it all.
That's about all for today, I just wanted to catch you all up on where I am at. I am hoping to get back to blogging regularly. See how we go.