Lost memories

As you can probably tell from my previous post I was not feeling to good today. My husband and I decided to get out for a few hours for a drive. We just headed south to see what we could see. We came across a beach I never knew existed, about and hour south of where we live. As we approached the foreshore my Alters started to chime in. "you have been here before, this is where the H family used to bring you". The place did not look at all familiar, but in a strange way I kind of knew they were telling the truth. The H family had baby sat my sister and I after school from when I was about 7years old to about 11 or 12. I have one memory of going with them to their shack, but it was at night and I was going to bed, so have no idea of what the rest of the house or surrounding area were like.
I spoke to my mum this afternoon and mentioned it to her and she laughed that I didn't remember it. Apparently we went there a few times. I don't remember a single thing about the place but that one memory. Even as we walked around the beach today nothing seemed familiar. It is the strangest feeling to be in a place that you know you should remember but there is nothing.
We walked along the rocks and found a spot with hundreds of small shells and pebbles. My 'littles' were so excited. I sat down amongst the shells and rummaged through to find the prettiest ones. As much as they all wanted to come out and play at once, it was hard. We don't like to be seen that way, as a little child in an adults body and we are very guarded about letting them come out. They were forward enough to enjoy the fun and to collect some shells for later.
My memories must be locked up pretty tight to not come out even when I am in the same place. What was I feeling there, did I feel safe there, which alter was there for that time as a child and why don't they come forward now? I saw a shack like the one the H family used to take me too, I only know this because my alters told me, again I don't remember it. It is a strange feeling, a very strange feeling. Its like its some else's memory that I have been told about but have no personal recollection of. I remember so little of my life, even events in my late teens are gone. How much more is locked up in the mind of a scared little child?

Undertow

Life goes on as usual, I am achieving things and getting on with life. Slowly my Alters are introducing themselves. I feel like life is progressing, I have a great bunch of people around me for support and I feel like I am part of something good.
But underneath there is an undertow of self hatred. I have had enough of being me, of living my life. I don't want to do it any more. I hate myself. I don't want to be this way. I hate the brokenness I feel. I don't like that days are such a challenge. Some days I just want to spend the day in bed and hide from everyone.  I am angry that this has happened to me. I want to be able to go to those who have hurt me, and hurt them back. To make them pay, to make it so they know what they have done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu7QvOQKcKk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTjLxXFg0k&feature=related

They haunt my life, they have too much affect over my life. Some days it just gets too much. I live this way because of them. some days it is just to hard to smile.
But on the outside you would never know.

The Role of Denial

Most of us see denial as the enemy to healing. It seems that we can't heal unless we face what happened to us, and to a degree this is very true. But denial has a purpose too, as I discovered yesterday while reading 'The courage to Heal' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. (quoted below) It is not any easy book to get through in the healing process, but it is highly recommended.
Survivors can go to great lengths to deny what happened to them. We can pass it off as a dream, or minimize its affect on us by saying, 'it wasn't much and it didn't have much of an affect on me'. I would rather have believed I was crazy than to believe the truth. Maybe my mind is just perverted and it thinks up these things by itself. It is hard to reconcile the people in our lives doing these things to a child, especially when they are people we love and trust.
But denial does have a purpose:

"Denial gives you a respite when you cannot bear to align your self with that small, wounded child for another minute. It allows you to go to work, to make breakfast for the kids. It is a survival skill that enables you to set a pace you can handle.
Often in the beginning stages, belief in your memories comes and goes."

I know for me, when I first realized how real it all was, I would find it too hard to accept for days on end. Having Alters helps to hid the truth, but ultimately things like body memories reveal the truth. Its OK to take time away from the trauma. Its OK to not be a survivor or a multiple for a day. Its OK to just let it go and get on with life for a while. It will all come back to you when you are ready, as it has many times before. We need to pace ourselves and remember we are building a life, it will take time and patience. Patience with ourselves.  No one, survivor or not, wants to hear about horrible things being done to a child. So it is OK for you to take time to accept the truth of what you have been through.