19 February, 2012
Fun?
I am not sure I really like weekends. I look on Facebook and hear about everyone having a great time with friends, drinking, partying, laughing. It frustrates me. I want to get together with friends and have a good time but at the same time I don't. I dont want to be with others who make me feel uncomfortable. I dont want to leave my house where I feel safe. I dont want to have to put on a front to try and be polite, and I dont want to be that uncomfortable that all I can think of is going home to rest. There is an internal struggle and fight over it all and what seems like a normal event can be such hard work. Yet I miss laughing and hanging out. There are times when having 20 people inside your head can be very lonely. I feel useless and lost. I feel disconnected, and like I don't fit in, like no one can understand me and how I am. That sort of acceptance I find only at Bridges. I just feel like I don't fit, I am not able to just let go and have fun and relax. It is hard work to socialize and I wonder sometimes if it is worth it. Some days I feel like such a fraud, but then again I don't know that they could handle the truth. I am not sure I can.
16 February, 2012
Spouses
Today I have been reading an article written by Rob Spring from PODS. (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors) http://www.pods-online.org.uk/forbetterforworse.html
It is very well written and shows the trials and tribulations of living with someone with DID. Not only is it the every day struggle of having a spouse who changes from moment to moment, but also the after affects of the trauma.
My husband and I met on an online dating site nearly 5 years ago. Our first date consisted of meeting for coffee and then going on to see a movie. Before long we were inseparable, and spent most of our free time together. He is an amazing man and I quickly realized he was not like any other man I had ever met. I love spending time with him and he with me.
At seemingly the perfect time in our relationship he informed me he had an ongoing health problem that could one day prove life threatening. I had to choose weather to continue in this relationship or to cut my losses and run. There was no guarantee how long he would live or remain healthy and I could, with in a few years, end up having to support him and our family. (together we have 5 boys). It was a decision I put a lot of thought into. In the end I obviously decided that to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all. For me it was the right decision. He is an amazing man. He has a generous and friendly nature. He is kind and honestly believes in treating others how he would like to be treated. On top of all the he is the very first person from whom I have experienced unconditional love. I have never felt so comfortable with any other person in my life. He is my best friend and I depend on him immensely.
All this happened years before my diagnosis of Dissociative Identity disorder. Back then I knew I heard voices but I thought every one did. I knew my head was a bit crazy at times but I really wasn't different to any one else. There was absolutely nothing to warn my husband about. I thought I was normal. As the years went on I began to feel safe, loved and accepted. The first time in my life I had known these things. Many people will tell you that this is the time when they start to remember past abuse, when they finally feel safe. It is because of his love and support that I was about to embark on a journey that would change our lives forever. A year ago I was diagnosed, and it has been an amazing learning experience for us both.
I know I am not easy to live with. I change, I am moody and there are most definitely days/weeks when there is nothing he can say or do that is right. I have Alters who have openly told me that my husband means nothing to them. I have other alters who see him as a father figure, and others who cannot stand him being around. Every day he walks in the front door he can be confronted with any one of these alters. He may have to be there for a scared and frightened child. He may find him self trying to give a kiss too a male teenage alter. (that never goes down well) Some days he can touch me and others he is to stay well away.
Then there is the trauma recovery. The body memories. The things that he innocently does as part of a loving marriage relationship that will instantly send me into a flashback or trigger dissociation or a switch. It is not an easy life to live, and he does it all with no warning of what is to come. He married a vibrant, intelligent, caring and self sufficient woman. Now he is married to at, last count, 20 Alternate personalities, and years and years of trauma recovery.
The tragedy of this disorder, and of child abuse, is that it affects many lives, not just that of the abused child. Those of us with DID are often referred to as resilient survivors, but our spouses are resilient too. They walk so much of this journey with us, and must face the reality of child abuse that most people would rather ignore. They too live the affects of Child abuse.
To my wonderful husband and the other amazing resilient spouses out there,
Thank you for sticking with it and for showing love when you are receiving nothing in return. I cannot promise and easy ride, but know that deep down, I am extremely grateful.
It is very well written and shows the trials and tribulations of living with someone with DID. Not only is it the every day struggle of having a spouse who changes from moment to moment, but also the after affects of the trauma.
My husband and I met on an online dating site nearly 5 years ago. Our first date consisted of meeting for coffee and then going on to see a movie. Before long we were inseparable, and spent most of our free time together. He is an amazing man and I quickly realized he was not like any other man I had ever met. I love spending time with him and he with me.
At seemingly the perfect time in our relationship he informed me he had an ongoing health problem that could one day prove life threatening. I had to choose weather to continue in this relationship or to cut my losses and run. There was no guarantee how long he would live or remain healthy and I could, with in a few years, end up having to support him and our family. (together we have 5 boys). It was a decision I put a lot of thought into. In the end I obviously decided that to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all. For me it was the right decision. He is an amazing man. He has a generous and friendly nature. He is kind and honestly believes in treating others how he would like to be treated. On top of all the he is the very first person from whom I have experienced unconditional love. I have never felt so comfortable with any other person in my life. He is my best friend and I depend on him immensely.
All this happened years before my diagnosis of Dissociative Identity disorder. Back then I knew I heard voices but I thought every one did. I knew my head was a bit crazy at times but I really wasn't different to any one else. There was absolutely nothing to warn my husband about. I thought I was normal. As the years went on I began to feel safe, loved and accepted. The first time in my life I had known these things. Many people will tell you that this is the time when they start to remember past abuse, when they finally feel safe. It is because of his love and support that I was about to embark on a journey that would change our lives forever. A year ago I was diagnosed, and it has been an amazing learning experience for us both.
Then there is the trauma recovery. The body memories. The things that he innocently does as part of a loving marriage relationship that will instantly send me into a flashback or trigger dissociation or a switch. It is not an easy life to live, and he does it all with no warning of what is to come. He married a vibrant, intelligent, caring and self sufficient woman. Now he is married to at, last count, 20 Alternate personalities, and years and years of trauma recovery.
The tragedy of this disorder, and of child abuse, is that it affects many lives, not just that of the abused child. Those of us with DID are often referred to as resilient survivors, but our spouses are resilient too. They walk so much of this journey with us, and must face the reality of child abuse that most people would rather ignore. They too live the affects of Child abuse.
To my wonderful husband and the other amazing resilient spouses out there,Thank you for sticking with it and for showing love when you are receiving nothing in return. I cannot promise and easy ride, but know that deep down, I am extremely grateful.
11 February, 2012
Anxiety
On Friday I started a 6 week course on Alleviating Anxiety. It was very interesting and helpful, even at this early stage. We talked about what causes anxiety, both physical and emotional factors. Like everyone I get anxious at the usual things, but I have an Alter or two who really get anxious. It has always been hard for me to understand why they are so upset when I do not perceive anything to cause the reaction. Anxiety is caused when the body perceives a threat. I realized that although I do not perceive something as a threat that does not mean my Alters feel the same about it. I do not remember most of my trauma but they do, and when I think about it in that way I can see why they react the way they do. They are reacting to the trauma that I do not see and get anxious. It has opened an area of understanding for me. I am now better able to understand where they are coming from and why they are acting as they do. Hopefully this will mean we can work together toward healing.
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